#1037 Own It
John was diagnosed in 1975 with T1D. A little over 20 years later he lost his sight.
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Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 1037 of the Juicebox Podcast.
Have a treat for you today I'll be speaking with John. He's 54 years old diagnosed with type one diabetes in 1975. About 20 years after his diagnosis, he had a major complication. John's a guy who's been giving himself his own insulin. since third grade, he didn't have a glucose meter, and he would go sometimes years without testing his blood sugar. While you're listening, please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming bold with insulin betterhelp.com forward slash juice box save 10% off your first month of therapy. Drink ag one.com forward slash juice box get a free year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs a big one with your first order and save 40% off of your entire order at cosy earth.com When use the offer code juice box at checkout. Don't forget to check out the remastered diabetes Pro Tip series it begins at episode 1000 and runs through episode 1026. You can also find them at juicebox podcast.com and diabetes pro tip.com. Today's conversation is sponsored by Omni pod makers, the Omni pod dash and the Omni pod five, learn more and get started today at Omni pod.com. Forward slash Juicebox. Podcast is also sponsored by the contour next gen blood glucose meter. Contour next.com forward slash juicebox. You too can have an incredibly accurate meter. Oh, did you think maybe yours was? Did you check? It might not be contour is contour next.com forward slash juicebox.
John 2:09
Alright, so hey, I'm John was diagnosed in 1975 with type one, a little over 20 years after that I lost my sight completely from complications.
Scott Benner 2:21
Well, how old were you in 70 577 years old?
John 2:26
I'm 54. So Wow. I know you hate math. So how
Scott Benner 2:31
are you Ellison junk? Let's just get past that, you know? 1975 Do you remember the management?
John 2:38
I saw I have like, kind of like, pictures in my head. It's mostly. I mean, I remember certain times and places and I remember by either later that year, possibly early next year, I saw my mom holding the syringe and her hand was shaking. I'm like, no, no, no. Like, give me that. And that was it. Like, from third grade on I was given my own shots. Now she would draw it up.
Scott Benner 3:03
But it's not something she was comfortable with.
John 3:06
Maybe it was just a bad day. I don't know. Again, it's not a it's not like a color film. I'm looking back on. It's just one picture. I remember.
Scott Benner 3:15
But it was enough to make you step up. Yeah, yeah. And what were you getting? Were you getting a shot a day or two shots a day? How are you sure
John 3:23
I was getting that was? Yeah, I was getting two day that you know, NPH and regular. And what's funny is I don't ever remember forgetting to take my insulin. My went to junior high one time and I'm like, oh my god, I forgot. And I actually just ran home and took it and ran back. No big deal.
Scott Benner 3:43
The 70s nobody cared. Nobody cared.
John 3:48
Where's that diabetic kid?
Scott Benner 3:49
Oh, he's gone. He'll be alright. Are you? Well, yeah, no matter. See, you're trying to tell me that you think you were consistently taking what you were supposed to take?
John 3:59
Yeah, but I think as we get into this conversation further, those doses don't work. One year 2022.
Scott Benner 4:10
So nobody ever adjusts anything for you
John 4:13
know, maybe. And again, the like the doctor's visits where, you know, my story isn't much different than I've heard people talk about but a lot of threats, a lot of shaking the head. And well, it's better. You're higher than lower.
Scott Benner 4:30
Yeah. And then that's what you do. And then this is where it goes. Yeah. And so are you seeing I mean, I can't imagine but were you weren't seeing an endocrinologist as a child? Were you?
John 4:42
Great question. I it's funny. I remember the some of the names of the doctors. I don't remember what they did. I mean, at one point, later, probably when I was 18, I went up to University of San Francisco and did like a week long class there and They had a big type diabetes program. But that was like the first thing I did on my own. And I was 18. So,
Scott Benner 5:07
and that's 11 years after you're diagnosed? Yes. Yes. Was there ever a moment where you thought I'm not taking enough insulin?
John 5:15
Now? Because I didn't, I didn't understand the dynamics of diabetes. It was, oh, yeah, take a shot. What's the big deal about that? Like, almost like it's, I mean, back then, I didn't know what an epi pen was. But like, oh, as long as I take this on fine,
Scott Benner 5:34
like a pill almost like somebody tells you like a multivitamin. multivitamin. You got to take this twice a day. And you're like, Alright, I know you do it. Yeah. But with no understanding of the actions or reactions, or anything that's going on behind the scenes, and no one ever explains it to you and try to. I mean, keep in context, if you're listening now, and you're like, why didn't he just look on his own, like, the internet didn't exist? Like, oh, like, that wasn't really a thing, you know, until, I mean, long after? I mean, right around the time you started having problems, honestly, I'm trying to think of when I had email the first time. And
John 6:10
blood meters didn't exist. Right.
Scott Benner 6:11
Right. For me. Were they doing blood tests at your visits?
John 6:16
I believe so. And again, this this stuff is real hazy. And it's, it's, it's funny, because a lot of my memories that will actually all my memories are visual. They sort of have to be but yeah, it's very hazy. And they're, you know, there's a lot of stuff going on in the family. Dynamics. My parents were divorced. I don't know if it was a year before I was diagnosed or the same year. Was there stuff was getting lost. Yeah. In the fray.
Scott Benner 6:43
You know, anybody else have diabetes in the family? No, I'm
John 6:47
the I'm the youngest of five. And something I listened to recently made me think back to so my, my mother's mom. So um, my grandparents came over from Ireland. And so records are Irish. I'm big on records, by the way. We do about that. Okay. Yeah, well, I didn't know or statues either. I heard that the other day. That was a good one.
Scott Benner 7:12
What did I say about oh, by your wife?
John 7:15
Irish statue.
Scott Benner 7:18
They're like an Irish statue. I like you here. You heard it here. First. The Irish don't take good records. Not
John 7:26
maybe they do. They
Scott Benner 7:28
just don't talk about it. Well, maybe that's true. I don't know. I also don't think has anything to do with being Irish, but it's so hilarious.
John 7:35
Makes me feel bad.
Scott Benner 7:38
Oh, like, like, there was no choice that they were just following their programming. I gotcha. Exactly.
John 7:43
But I did I remember in dosh when I was in sixth grade, so I remember my my grandmother dying. My mom's mom, and nobody knows what she died from. And my grandfather lived for another 15 years, but, but she actually now back then, I swear she was 100. But as I do the math, I'm like, gosh, she was only in her 70s. She just seemed that old to Yes. And she had a leg amputated. Jesus. I never knew, probably about a year before she died, maybe. And no one ever knew. Like, why? They just wasn't talked about.
Scott Benner 8:22
Nobody spoke about that. No, huh. It's interesting.
John 8:25
And then I'm like, Could she have had some autoimmune? I don't, she wasn't taking insulin as far as I know. But who knows?
Scott Benner 8:35
Maybe I mean, for a family member to have an amputation. And for no one to know why. That is? That is a strong example of how some families don't talk about things.
John 8:48
Yeah. And I know, I know, my grandfather took care of her. It wasn't that wasn't a question of that. But it's kind of that you know, rub some dirt on it. And let's go
Scott Benner 8:57
Yeah. Oh, you didn't mean take care of her like got rid of her. You meant like cared for? Because you said she knew how I thought maybe
John 9:04
I'm not Italian.
Scott Benner 9:07
Well, just maligned everybody. John today. Well, there's
John 9:12
too much Sopranos. I guess.
Scott Benner 9:14
What a good show. Awesome. It was really great. I'm seeing here by the way that AOL was founded in 1985, but became popular. It went public in 92. And they say became popular in 97. I remember having the internet on my computer. When I was like 1920 years old, which would have been around like, like 90, like in there and we were pretty, like we were pretty ahead like we were going to computer shows and buying parts and building computers and stuff like that. Yeah. Back then. I was like, sorry,
John 9:49
I was a late comer. Because well, I was losing my eyesight. So a computer was the last thing on my mind. But then I realized, wait actually need a computer like I I need to, I need to figure this stuff out. So I came on in like 99 2000. Yeah,
Scott Benner 10:05
I remember going to go into a computer show and like the armory, like, you know, just the place where they had. And there was just tables everywhere. And you'd go to one guy and buy the motherboard. And you'd go to another table and buy the RAM. And you'd go to another table and buy the case and the power supply. Yeah, went home and put it all together and loaded Windows on it. And you had a computer back then RAM used to cost $100 A Meg. So eight Meg's of Ram was $800. Just keep that in mind. That's amazing. I love when people complain about things. I'm hearing it today. You know, they, this will be months later when somebody hears this, but Dexcom is getting really close to release in the g7. And all people want to know is when is it going to work with my mighty slim? When's it gonna work with my Omnipod five, and then there's always a couple of angry voices, like they don't care. I'm like, they don't care. They care plenty. Like there's a company, they're trying to make their thing work with a thing. Like they care plenty, everybody just they lose sight of what things used to be. And I think I think things happen so quickly. Now. It's hard to have compassion for it anymore. Like, well, how come this isn't happening immediately? It was it because it takes time. You know, and, and by the way, I used to pay $100 a meg for RAM. So stop saying
John 11:22
the good old days when I complained about the size of a syringe. I mean, stop saying
Scott Benner 11:27
things are getting worse. They're not getting smaller and faster and cheaper. But anyway, okay, so. So there's kind of turmoil in your house. This is the entire time you're growing up. Because you said your parents split up around the time you were you were diagnosed? Do you end up living with your mom or your dad?
John 11:49
Mom and actually Mom, mom went to work. And the cool thing about well, at the time, it wasn't so cool. But I look back and appreciate what she did. She she got a job and worked from like 5:30am till about three. So she was home.
Scott Benner 12:10
Oh, she wanted to be home when you guys got home from school? Yes, yes. It's a good I just didn't
John 12:14
always work with my plants. But
Scott Benner 12:19
when you try to bring girls or reading to the house, your mom was home already was going on junk. Whatever. Whatever. I liked that. You've been willing to say everything you've said so far. When I asked what you were bringing to the house. You're like, I don't really want to comment on that.
John 12:34
Well, I think I just answered it.
Scott Benner 12:38
And, and health. So health care is not on the forefront of anyone's mind like you in I'm assuming in your family's mind. John takes a shot takes this other shot. We know what we're doing there. Nobody's thinking about that. Again, right. Like that doesn't come up for for reconsideration at any point. All only
John 12:57
when the paramedics come. Oh height.
Scott Benner 13:00
How often did that happen?
John 13:02
I remember in those days, maybe three or four times? For a low one? Yes. Yes. One was walking to school sixth grade. And it's funny. I kind of remember this a little bit better up until a certain point but my art our schools were walking distance High School in junior high. And I was in sixth grade. So I'm walking with a friend I just kept tripping and he's laughing Of course, like they was probably look pretty funny. And my older sister I have three sisters. But one of my older sisters, someone ran back and got her or she was on her way to high school and saw and ran back and call called Mom Mom called 911 Whatever. Here's what's interesting. And this gives you just a little sense of kind of family life little bit. And I I love all my sisters, but one of my sisters, a different sister told me this was only like four or five months ago. But I we live close to her now. And yeah. And she's like, I gotta tell you something. I'm like what I mean, this is 42 years later, she goes, I remember that day I was across the street. And she goes, I didn't want to get involved. I just put my head down and walked to school. Oh, wow. I'm like, What
Scott Benner 14:25
did she say? Why?
John 14:26
Because that's, that's what was kind of going on in our world.
Scott Benner 14:32
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John 16:27
Like he just didn't, he didn't talk about things. And which is funny because I'm like, I kind of rebound actually, we've all rebounded. I think we all want to talk about a lot of things now. In a healthy way.
Scott Benner 16:40
Yeah. But back then, like that was going on across the street. Something else like I don't want to be involved even though it's my brother. Yeah. Wow. That hurt your feelings when you heard that.
John 16:53
I thanked her. I'm like, I mean, look, forgiveness is a real thing. And I didn't know I needed to forgive her. And I'm like, Oh my God, you know, 54 of like, you will need one more thing to carry here.
Scott Benner 17:08
Exactly. I'd be mad about this. Yeah. When I could be mad that the insulin pump companies aren't making Dexcom integration phase. Right. Right, right. No, I take your I mean, I agree with you. I there's, I mean, as you get older, you figure things out, right? But that's why being mad. It's just, it's ridiculous. It's just, it's without sense. I mean, you stop. The easiest way to consider this. Is that wherever you are in your life right now, if you think back past five years, you don't remember a damn thing, let alone what you were upset about. Rice just it's just a waste of time. I mean, you can address things in the moment but sure, carrying it or carrying it around with you is just is meaningless.
John 17:51
You got to look back a little bit to look for a lot of people. And I've been guilty this too. A lot. Go to look back and then they're stuck.
Scott Benner 18:01
Yeah, yeah. You can get you can get past and, and not be able to let go of something. That's for sure. Yeah. Yeah. How old? How much older? Was she the new or is she i guess? Two years? Two years older. Alright. So she was I mean, if you're in sixth grade, she's an eighth grade. She's she's an eighth. She's not looking to be does that carry forward in her personality? Like, do you see that in her now?
John 18:25
No, she's not not Not that side. Yeah, she's she's, she's a stand up person. She has four boys. And just great mom, great sister. I mean, that's, I can't stress that enough. But, you know, I was probably a little punk. Brother two times. Yeah.
Scott Benner 18:46
I don't think she looked over and thought, oh, maybe we'll get rid of him today. She probably didn't understand. Well, the seriousness of it even like, because this has happened to you in the past, but you're always okay afterwards. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. When do you when do you have your first complication? And what is it?
John 19:10
Well, I'm just gonna go right to the eyes then because I don't know what I'm sure I was having complications. In my, you know, my preteen years and but but I didn't know there were complications, like when you're running around with. I mean, who knows what my blood sugar was? Got. I didn't test. Yeah. I mean, that's part of my story. And I hope people don't like oh my god, I'm not gonna listen to scan anymore. But I went probably five years at a time without ever testing. Yours. Yes. Oh, my gosh, what you didn't even when did you get a meter? Like when's the first time you had an at home meter? I don't remember. I know I got one. But I don't remember. Like, I should, but you don't
Scott Benner 19:56
even know. And it wasn't and you didn't grow up with It was the idea that this was part of the process. So this was basically just someone adding another step that you had lived a long time without and probably figured, like, this isn't necessary. Yeah, yeah. When you did test you ever remember what your blood sugar's were?
John 20:16
No, I mean, not until not until the age of 25 was a whole lot of years in there. Right? And I who I played baseball, I played football. I worked I, I did it all. And you know, the whole thing, the whole Don't be low. Don't be low. You know?
Scott Benner 20:37
Yeah, don't pass out. Yeah, at 18 years, you didn't know what your blood sugar was? No. Wow. And that was not outrageous. You didn't feel like you were doing something wrong? Or did you know,
John 20:51
I don't I don't know when I crossed the line from it don't know. I don't care, too. I care. But I'm still kind of in denial about it. Do you
Scott Benner 21:01
think of yourself that way as being in denial about having diabetes?
John 21:05
No, no, no, I don't. But I did. You did
Scott Benner 21:08
then. Yes. And it was easy to ignore. Because you just if you just did these two shots, then you didn't die? And then that was enough. Yeah. And
John 21:17
you know, people talk about, you know, DKA and all that stuff. I think with DK DK, once you feel it, it's probably a little too late. You should have dealt with it five hours earlier, but I could actually feel it. I'm like, Yeah, this doesn't feel right. And then we'll take some more, more insulin, and then you
Scott Benner 21:37
would give yourself more insulin. Yes. This doesn't feel right. So what did we give context now? Like for how high you like, can you guess how high you were when you have that feeling of like, This doesn't feel right.
John 21:50
Oh, I'm gonna guess 600.
Scott Benner 21:54
Okay, so you're probably right in the four hundreds, at least most of the time.
John 21:59
Yes. Wow. And young enough to fool it.
Scott Benner 22:05
Like power. Throw it? Yeah.
John 22:07
And I really, I didn't come on and talk about every other podcast. But I really enjoyed that conversation about, I don't let diabetes, stop me or whatever. I'm like, That is such a double edged sword, man.
Scott Benner 22:21
I'm so glad I was worried when we did that one.
John 22:24
Now you are on it. I mean, you That was seriously, just there's two ways to look at that.
Scott Benner 22:30
Yeah, no, I just I imagine. It's obviously everyone's not the same. But when I hear people say that, and I can kind of sift through what they're getting at. I imagine the story you're telling being their life. Yeah. Were like, I have my blood sugar's 400. But I still went to school. And I still did that. And then blah, blah, blah. I don't let diabetes get in my way. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad that that resonated with you. I appreciate you sharing that with me. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. So when do you notice your site? And does it wane? Does it go right away? Or how does it happen? Every one of us gets a blood glucose meter. But we don't always get to choose. Sometimes the doctor just gives you one or they write a prescription for the one that they like, or the one they're comfortable with. But do you know if your meter is accurate, there are levels of accuracy and blood glucose meters, I think you should check out the contour next gen blood glucose meter at contour next one.com Ford slash juice box. It's possible in fact that the contour next gen could be cheaper for you in cash than you're paying right now for your test strips through your insurance company. And these test strips offer Second Chance testing. So you can kind of you know, hit the blood, not quite download, but gonna move your hand and I quite get it right, bump into the blood not good enough, and go back and get the rest. That happens without impacting the quality of the test. We're ruining a test trip. And none of this is to say that the meter needs a lot of blood. It certainly doesn't. The drop is really small. I'm just saying you know if you fumble around or like hit the blood and then toss the thing on the floor by mistake and pick it back up. Boom, go right back. You're still doing it. Contour next one.com forward slash juicebox. Your blood glucose testing is very important. And you deserve accuracy. I know a lot of us have CGM is nowadays but you still need a rock solid meter art in tests number of times a week even while she wears a Dexcom G seven contour next.com forward slash juice box. There's a button there where you can actually buy your strips and your meter online through like I don't know like six different retailers. Check around see where you can get the best price contour next.com forward slash juicebox
John 25:02
I had I had two problems. So I had a lot of problems, but all I'll just talk about two of them. 9091 I was getting ready to start a, an electrical apprenticeship. Okay, it was I was actually living in San Diego. Now I don't, I'll just tell you that because I used to live in Northern California. And then, at that time in 91, I was down in San Diego for a short period of time. And then I moved back up to the Bay Area. To start this apprenticeship I was noticed in my vision one day, and I'm 23 that the peripheral vision in my right eye had a little blind spot. It's like letters would shift. And it's hard to focus on your peripheral vision. But I'm like, well, that's a trip, you know. And I found out when I did move up and start start working in the trades and going to school had cataracts, which I think is still a little bit rare for I've ever heard of cataract being a
Scott Benner 26:07
diabetes thing. Yes. Yeah.
John 26:10
And maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But but at some point, I'm like, it's getting worse and worse. And I'm, I'm now testing. I'm like, starting to change some stuff, but not not fast enough. When I when I finally Three years later, I better get my eyes checked. Yeah, you have cataracts and and I did those surgeries and I'm like God's a piece of cake. But what happened was the doctor the doctor did that. That Seinfeld thing, or George Costanza is there and the doctor goes, Ah, he's like, what does that mean? That's that's what the doctor did. I'm like, oh, here it comes. So they couldn't see the retinas very clear until they got the cataracts out. And then then they had a clear window in and said, um, you need to go upstairs.
Scott Benner 27:06
Basal damaged that was bad they did.
John 27:09
They saw some some, you know, little hemorrhaging and all that stuff.
Scott Benner 27:13
Right? Did you get the injections? Was it too late for that? Was it a different kind of damage?
John 27:18
I got Wait, what injections?
Scott Benner 27:20
I don't know. I people are on here all the time talking about taking needles in their eyeballs. And like did any of that happen? Yeah, but
John 27:27
that was a that was a different type of injection. That was that was nerve killing alcohol. I'll get to that. It's for the Irish story. It's an Irish story.
Scott Benner 27:40
You got your you got your eyes drunk at a doctor. So pretty much yeah. Hey, let me tell you this before we move on. What causes cataracts as you age, the lenses of your eyes become less flexible, less transparent and thicker. When you have diabetes, high blood sugar levels over time can lead to structural changes in the lenses of the eye that can accelerate the development of cataracts. So there you go. Yeah. Did by any chance the cataract look like snowflakes to
John 28:09
No, I just look like cloudy. bowtie wasn't blurry and the like I played at this point in life. I was playing like adult league softball. And I wouldn't play the outfield because I go, I don't want to look stupid. Yeah. So what do I do I play I play the closest position to the batter. Third pace. I go I have fast reflexes. I can't see the ball off the bat. Like Dammit, I'm gonna catch it. And most of the time I did that or take it down this road. Yeah,
Scott Benner 28:40
I tell you there's as my son got older and older, I it was less and less fun to catch a baseball he threw at me. Yeah, and even as the person would, you know, sided. And, you know, I have like, I need reading glasses, you know, because I'm, I'm old but I mean, like, that's pretty much it. He lets go of a ball. And it almost felt like it would disappear and reappear. It was moving so fast. Yeah. And that was just I couldn't focus on it quickly enough anymore. And just appearing fastball. Yeah, like it's there. And you're like, I've got it. And then the next time you see it, it feels like it's 15 feet closer to you. Yeah. And he's like, what's wrong? I'm like, please, like, Don't Don't kill me. Please don't kill me. But I took one. I caught the edge of my glove. I didn't get completely in front. And luckily I redirected and it went like by my cheek and like caught the side of my face. Yeah. And I get what a crushed me if it hit me. So I don't know what you were thinking. You should have stopped playing softball.
John 29:41
Yeah, sure. I did eventually. But yeah, imagine.
Scott Benner 29:44
So. What's that, like you're in that office and you recognize there's something seriously wrong? Is that a? Is it like a come to Jesus moment or what happens? Well,
John 29:55
it was a literal, come to Jesus fallen and but it didn't come I'd happen yet I'm, I seen an endo who, let's face it I did not like and you know, put the denial aside put the I don't want to hear it, you know, stubbornness he was an ass. And I realized that I needed him to clear me to get the cataract surgery. My a one See, you're gonna die? Well, maybe the number will kill you but my attitude about it was it was 16 and a half. Wow. And I looked at it like it was that bad.
Scott Benner 30:38
So that's not an attitude you don't know. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't really know. When you look back and you you feel yourself saying that? Is there something you could have done differently? Or were you really that far out in the cold as far as being informed?
John 30:54
I should have owned it earlier. I mean, obviously. I mean, that's that's kind of an obvious statement. But ownership. Like that's what I like, that's my phrase in life. Now you got to own it. You got to own it, no matter what, own it good or bad. And I just didn't want to own it. I wanted someone else to own it.
Scott Benner 31:16
And if you're going to therapy, do you know why the did you feel like your parents should have helped you or? And they didn't like that day? You took it from your mom? Was it too soon?
John 31:28
I don't. I don't know. I mean, I wish there was more. Like I went I did the diabetic camps. I did the but honestly, you don't really learn it. I didn't learn anything there. You just learn like, oh, yeah, there's a bunch of other kids flopped on the ground, too. She's gonna give us some trouble today. Like, is he okay? Yeah, he's fine. It was fun. It was fun. But but it was the education side of it wasn't there yet, yet. And, you know, I needed I, I'm like, I need this cataract surgery. I need to, I need to go on with my life. And then I'm going to fix it. And then I'm going to fix it. Oh, no, I was doing better. But it wasn't quite there yet. I did find a new Endo. And by the way, he was Irish. I loved him. But he he told it to me straight. And I still had sight at this point. Not not good sight. He sat me down. He wasn't wasn't a lecture. It's like he put his hand on my shoulder and said, I've seen this. It's not going to work out well for you. I remember that going. That was the best thing. Someone could have said to me. definitive. Yeah, yeah. No shame. No, no, you know, yeah. You know, you die mess. It wasn't any of that. And he told me, he said, I think it's time that we look into finding different ways you can draw your insulin up, if you can't see well enough. And that was the first step. I'm like, yeah. All right, let's go.
Scott Benner 33:09
So what we're talking about here is, is that at one point, there's just no help. If you go back far enough. I don't, I don't even know that it's anybody's fault. I think that diabetes back then, you know, went from a thing that kills you pretty immediately to a thing that killed you a little fast, like a little slower. You know, like, you know, people come on with time, they're like, Well, I was diagnosed, they told me I wouldn't live till 40. They told me, one woman was told not even bother going to college, like, go enjoy your life. Like somebody was told, you know, and so and so that's not just right, right. Like, you can hear that today in 2023. And think that's bad advice. But back then, that might have been what they had, right? Like, which is like, look, this is what this is, it's not going to go well probably don't think about having children. They didn't know that things were going to change in that person's lifetime. They were giving them good advice, or, you know, whatever advice for that time period. That makes that make sense to me. And I know and I think that's where a lot of those like, stories come from people like you talked about with your first No, just like getting scolded and yelled at and told, like do this or you're gonna die. Because I think that's what the doctors really believed. And I talked about this with Jenny the other day, and this is going to be disjointed. But Jenny and I are we're recording a type two series right now. Yeah. And And at one point, I said to her, I'm like, I don't think like on the recording, I said, I don't think we're getting we're gonna help anybody if we're too polite about all this. You know, like, I think people really need to understand, like, what like, like what you did, and what you just said, made me feel good about that decision. Like you're like, Look, someone put it in concrete terms for me. This is where we're at. Yeah, there's no like, hopefully it'll go better. Or maybe if you're the guys like, look, here's where we're going right now. This is it. And you have to accept it and like you said, own it, and then deal Whether you can't just keep pushing it off and pretending, and I'm a little worried that we've seen an overcorrection with feelings, like, you know, back, you know, back then nobody cared like they were just Look, John do this or this bad things gonna happen and now everybody's so nice to everybody. I wonder if they're losing a little bit of what it was that helped you, which was honestly, you know, yeah, possibly here. I would you know, I hope that's not the case. But usually, historically people overcorrect. And we have the pendulum swings back too far the other direction when you're trying to fix a problem. So yeah, well, anyway, I'm sorry. So you. So he tells you, this is it, here it comes. And you're now preparing for a life of not being able to see like, what do you have any vision now? Like, what? How do you know? Nothing?
John 35:54
No, what? So when I started seeing the retina specialists, they started with the, like, all the laser treatments, and they're pretty intense, I guess, because I could feel a pinprick in the back of my eye. And then they're like, so they did all these attract dummies. And I do remember, I had four of them. So my memory is a little hazy. But I remember on the table, and, you know, like an operating room was like 20 people, but he only see one of them. And he's he's reading it to me like vitrectomy I'm like, Did you spell that? Equals? Yeah, I go, Can you spell it for me? I'm just totally Massimo. Because why I go because I don't want to wake up and find out ahead of a sec to me. I swear to you do 20 People started bursting out laughing and then boom, I was out. You're gonna. Yeah. Like I had this. It's funny because denial that sounds like denial. But I think I was owning it so much that I'm like, Well, what? What did I expect? You know? So, you know, let's, let's do it.
Scott Benner 37:05
But John, how old were you before you knew what was happening? Even though it wasn't impacting you yet? Like, when is the moment? I don't know what the question here is. It's like, you've been walking around your whole life in in in a health situation that is hurting you? And you didn't know. But then there was a day when you knew? Is it in the is it in the doctor's office with a cataract? Is it before that? Like, when are you aware versus when do you try to do something
John 37:36
I'm aware of the whole time, but awareness and, and being proactive? to different things? No, I agree. And I think every now and again, if I had a low blood sugar, and I was alone, that would be a sort of a hey, you guessed wrong today. You know, it's such a small step. And people are guessing when he guess I'm like, well, guess things better than completely. Just not taking your insulin? Maybe? I don't know. I don't know. I don't. I don't look back and regret it in the way. Maybe I should because it's too late. And I don't think regret turns to anything good.
Scott Benner 38:18
Yeah, no, I don't think you should regret it. I'm just trying to lay it out for people like I think you're been dealing with it, obviously, as well as anybody could be. I don't want you to go backwards and beat yourself up. I want to understand how I mean, if I'm being honest, John, what I want is for people to hear your story and then recognize in themselves that they're aware of something they should be doing, but they're not doing if I'm being 100% Honest.
John 38:42
I'll just I'll jump to at working as an electrician. Yeah, okay. Um, you know, lots of it was industrial, commercial. Big stuff. And, and it was probably the neuropathy that caught my attention more because neuropathy, there's pain involved. Yeah, in your feet. My feet were tingling, but where I felt it was in my abdomen. Oh, no kidding. You like I could, I could someone could punch me in the stomach and I'd laugh but if I was in a, in a like a, my buddy had a CJ five we're in the jeep and I'm wearing a t shirt and the t shirt flapping against my stomach hurt.
Scott Benner 39:26
Just because of the nerve endings on your skin like to feel tired. Yeah, yeah. Do you have gastroparesis?
John 39:33
I don't believe so. That's interesting. Now that's gone. That that stuff and that's all gone. Yeah, I have a couple of numb spots like under some toes. But that's been like that for 25 years. It hasn't changed. And so when pains involved I'm like, huh let's let's start
Scott Benner 39:59
trying Trying to make paints though. What were you talking about earlier about injecting alcohol into your eyes.
John 40:06
So So, losing my eyesight was not the hardest thing I was going through, the hardest thing I was going through was because of all the surgeries, I went from being able to recognize someone in a room to being completely blind in about six months. I had four major surgeries in that time, my body was shutting down, like bodies are not made to go under the knife that that much. So when I came out of it, I had the most excruciating pain in my eyeballs. I could even imagine. I couldn't, I didn't even care. I mean, it was still under this doctors, you know, the endos help, and it was doing better. But all of a sudden, I can't eat. I can't eat because I'm, I'm in so much pain. And they're they're just, they're pumping these pills down my throat. And I'm like, I'm not gonna survive, I lost 45 pounds. Like, in that time?
Scott Benner 41:12
What were the four surgeries? The vitrectomy. They just those nothing like nothing on the rest of your body. But just those on your eyes just speech up like that.
John 41:23
Yeah, and I could describe the pain to you. But I don't know if you really want to hear it.
Scott Benner 41:28
I mean, we've already maligned Italians and Irish people, we could talk about the pain if you like, I can take it. All right. And
John 41:35
I actually told this to someone recently, they're like, Okay, that's enough. So it was like, somebody took my testicles and put it in my eye sockets, and then put a vise grip around them. And so the alcohol shots were just to kill pain, and it worked for a day.
Scott Benner 41:57
So you'd go to the doctor, they do these injections, and you'd have relief for a day and then it would come back. Yeah. And I come out with like, huge Blackeye for one day's worth of refuge. Yeah. Yeah. Did that ever subside?
John 42:11
There was a moment, okay, there was a moment at my mom's house before I think I had one surgery left to do, and I shouldn't have done it, I should have just throw the talent. But I'm like, I'm sitting there. I had to move back in with mom. And which is fine. When she helped. And I couldn't draw my insulin up yet. So I'm sitting there gone. Yeah, I'm never gonna see again, like, and I had, you know, had some anger issues earlier in life. And, but it was different. It was, this is where the attitude change happen. And I'm sitting there going, you know, how you like people, they talk about near death experiences in their life flashes before their eyes. It was wasn't quite like that. But it was like the last five years of my life, kinda, it was like a slideshow. Now, I still had light perception, but I couldn't see. But it was like these clear, vivid, really stupid things I'd done in life, like, you know, rolled my truck few times and just bad situations I was in. And it was like, it was kind of rolling through. And I'm like, What am I thinking about this now? And, you know, you talked about this come to Jesus moment earlier. Yeah. I'm gonna be honest with you. I think God smacked me and said, Hey, dump it, you know, you know, all those times. I was there. And I'm like, Oh, that's it. Like, that's it. Like that's, you know, we grew up going to church, but it was just that it was just going to church. Like I didn't, yeah, say the prayer. I man cool. Let's go. But that was the moment where I go, like, god dammit. Grace is real. That's a real thing. Grace, and I just go and I'm like, Alright, and that's that was that was the attitude change. And you know, I wait for people talk about prayer and prayer. And I'll pray for this. Pray for that. And I, I believe in that stuff. But Scott, you got to imagine the guy about to lose his sight. And as a brand new foil drive and dirt bikes. Yeah, there's a lot going away. I'm praying. I call it the great bargaining table in the sky, like God, give me one eye. And in a year, you can take a toe. I mean, just stupid stuff like that. And, and what I understood in that moment is a quick moment and it wasn't like, I saw bright light or I wasn't elevated out of my chair. It wasn't anything weird. It was just this moment, right? Change something I got instead of give me like, make me make me you know, people like what does that mean? And examples like God, give me a great wife. Well, how about God make me a great husband. And that's it's a it's a subtle shift. But that's where that's where it did change for me like not just diabetes wise, but life lifestyle?
Scott Benner 45:06
Yeah. You experienced that, like a clarity of thinking? Yes, yeah. And was that precipitated by the knowledge that this loss was coming and there was no way around it?
John 45:19
What I lost my sight, I felt the biggest relief I've ever felt.
Scott Benner 45:26
Okay, do you know why?
John 45:28
Because I was, I was trying to carry this around. I didn't want people to know, I couldn't see well.
Scott Benner 45:36
Oh, you're pretending? A lot. Yeah. And
John 45:39
I'm like, Well, hell, if I'm gonna go blind, you might as well take it all. Because there's no denial about that.
Scott Benner 45:47
What is the shift? Like, going from some site? To no site? Like, how could you live with your mom when it happens? I assume you don't live with your mom anymore? No, we're not married?
John 45:59
Yeah, we have a son. And it, it was easy. It was the pain that was killing me. I'm like, can we get rid of the pain? And that that goes into this whole other chapter? And I'm like, Well, I don't know, this might be an after dark thing. I'll let you decide. But so the pills kept coming. And I think you probably know where I'm going with this. Yeah, I imagine I do. Oh, my God, on and off for years on and off any kind of congestion a call? Like, oh, my gosh, like, my eyes are killing me. And so you know, Vikon left and right. And during that time, I met my girlfriend who's my wife now? And no, I've never seen it. And it was just kind of off and on. And then. So we got married, you know, few years after that. So then we're up to like, 2003. And first of all, anyone listening who's who's engaged or going to get married, don't do a major surgery, the same year of your marriage, because what happened and don't do it on or on your wife's birthday, either? Which things I did? I had my eyes removed. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. Yeah, they it's like, it's kind of like a Halloween pumpkin. They just slice them open, suck everything out. And they put marbles in. So I literally have marbles on my head, which some people are like, yeah. So are you gonna have to make some bleeps and stuff? Oh,
Scott Benner 47:37
that's fine. If you're gonna say stuff like that you curse as much as you want.
John 47:45
What it did, and this is where it got real tricky what it took acute pain and made a crock. Okay. So, you know, picture like a stabbing pain and all of a sudden that pain moves around your head. And you don't know where you don't know where it's radiating from. Like, there are days My teeth hurt. I'm like, Why did my teeth hurt? That's just the nerves. The nerves are all confused. And yeah, and that's, that's when a doctor and I'm not gonna blame doctors ever, ever. Because, you know, part of ownership is like, well, you're asking for it. So someone had the bright idea to, Hey, there's this oxycontin stuff. Here we go. Oh, wow. Here we go. And, and I'll just I'll go through this fast. But they there's a line between drug dependency and drug addiction. And I crossed that line. Yeah. Are sure
Scott Benner 48:45
you're using hillbilly heroin? Is that what they call it? That's what they
John 48:51
call it. I remember giving it up.
Scott Benner 48:53
No kidding. Is that how when?
John 48:56
Yeah, they've changed that now. But and then the fentanyl and the the methadone and, and, you know, and I'm a what's funny is you and I have this common like, I'm a stay at home dad during this time. And I know it sounds nuts to manage it during the day, which, please, no, I did. It wasn't till my wife got home and it's like, Okay, now it's time. You know? You kind of can't live that way.
Scott Benner 49:26
Yeah, yeah. So you you manage the pain all day long, and then got away from it when somebody was there for your son.
John 49:33
I took the very minimum amount, okay. And she she had she has a job that she could work from home a couple days a week or get home by, you know, four o'clock. But as time went on, I'm like, I have to stop. I have to stop. I didn't care about pain anymore. It's like, pain is much better than withdrawal. Yeah. And so I just so 2009 Now, my son's four I called the Stanford Pain Clinic. And they had this I heard about it through someone else. And I called them up and got this, you know, consultation visit and I show up and I tell him everything I'm taking, like they're writing everything down. And they're like, what's, what's your goal? I go, What do you mean? Well, people come in here, what they do is they reset the pain sensors in the brain. They give you all these weird trippy cocktails and, and it kind of resets all your pain sensors. And they said, Some people leave here. Taking half Some people leave here, taking an eighth quarter. I go, Oh, no, you don't get it. I go, I'm done. I'm leaving here with Tylenol and ibuprofen, like, I'm done. And they all my wife said they all looked at each other and scribbled something again. Okay, when can you start?
Scott Benner 50:53
What do you think they screw? Lunatic?
John 50:56
Like? No, like, get him in now?
Scott Benner 51:01
Oh, he's ready. Oh, I see. Yes. Oh, I see. I see. I see. And that that worked.
John 51:08
10 days done. To kidding. Yep.
Scott Benner 51:13
They make my knees stop hurting.
John 51:16
Yeah, it's funny after that, you know, at this point, I'm, you know, I'm like, 40s. And I cannot and I'm like, Well, I have a lot of other pains. I never really knew I
Scott Benner 51:26
had, oh, all of a sudden you were aware kind of my back and
John 51:30
all sudden, I can feel you know, like cheese. Yeah.
Scott Benner 51:33
Oh, you were covering a lot up with those meds. Oh, my God
John 51:37
so much. And I do real quick. I do remember my first night in there. And I was waiting. I don't know, probably too long for the special cocktail to get on. And so the doctor comes in. And he's, you know, here's a cool guy. And he's like reading my stuff. And he leaves and he comes back and he goes, You were taking what like, finally it clicked in his head when he looked at what I was taking and how much was I was honest, I revealed it all. He's like, Are you kidding me?
Scott Benner 52:12
Wow. And no problems getting the meds back then. Right? You could just they fill those prescriptions endlessly, then
John 52:19
then they would and I made sure and this is what, you know, when when you're in, you're in. I told every doctor I saw I said, Look, I'm done. I went through this. I go, I don't. I won't ask you for anything. But I'm just letting you know that this is not part of my life anymore. You never went backward and off. I had two other cert. I had a knee surgery and a couple of shoulder. Shoulder surgeries. And yeah, there were some and it was like, you know, a few and done. Yeah, like I didn't, I didn't keep it. I didn't refill it. I didn't it was I hand it to my wife. I go give me two if I ask but you know, I'm not gonna,
Scott Benner 52:58
I did my shoulder rack reconstructed. And at first the guy is like, you know, here's the meds and I was like, I'll be alright. And he's like, you not gonna be alright. And I was like, No, I will. And we got home from the from the surgery center. And I looked at my wife and I was like it. I'm like, give me one of those pills. And I don't do anything and I took it and the minute I could move to like the step down whatever the guide said the step down bottle was, I was excited to get off of the pills I was on. Because I just they messed I mean, I couldn't feel how badly my shoulder hurt. But, you know, I felt messed up otherwise.
John 53:37
Yeah, I'd say one of the biggest things when I when I did the thing at Stanford and came home I'm now dealing with my blood sugar's were really high. I never had to deal with that. Like did you know I don't care what people say those pills lower your your blood sugar's
Scott Benner 53:52
your anxieties. There's probably don't have any anxiety, right? Yeah, there's no adrenaline, like, you're just all like, relaxed. And yeah, it's it has a lot to do with that. Well, how do you manage your diabetes today? Like what technology to use?
John 54:05
So I have a G six. I have a tandem. And that same doctor back in 2002. He was like, I think, I think you should be on the pump. And I was like, what? I can use a pump. And he's like, he's kind of like, Dude, you can figure anything out. So let's go and it was the old mini med. I think the five weight and very mechanical. Like, I could change an infusion set along easily. Okay, like, you just you pull it out yet fill it up, you lick it and pray and squeeze it through and go. And then I moved to the the paradigm a little bit harder. But it was still dealing with three buttons and I by this time I was it was right before I got married. And so my wife was helping me when I needed it. I had instruction written out for the for that pump just in case I got in a situation. And then moving down south here. I'm like, I gotta I gotta find a doctor. I found a good one I think. And he's he's all about like, doing what works for me. He's not stuck to one or the other pump companies. He's just like, I want you to try this. I think you can
Scott Benner 55:22
help. How do you manage? Like, I mean, seeing the screen and knowing what you're doing? How does all that work?
John 55:29
So when I met with the first rep, I, she brought one in for me to check out and, and I asked her, she had an iPhone. I said, Yeah, I think I asked her. Do you have an iPhone six? Yeah, I go. Do you mind if I check it out? Like, I go, or do you mind turning your voice over? Because I wanted to see the app that the pump I was playing with wasn't connected to her, thankfully. But I go, I just want to check out the app. She's trying to turn on VoiceOver and I go here, let me see your phone, like hits here. I go turn VoiceOver on. And her phone starts talking. She's like, Oh, my God, I had no idea did that. And I look at the app. And I'm like, Okay, you're at nine. feeling okay. Right. Like I'm asking her how she feels. I just wanted to see the app. And to see what, what I can see for the app. Now the Dexcom. I've been on the Dexcom for over two years. And that that was great. It's all the app and you know, I could that's easy. tanam little bit harder. And I just go I want to be able to Bolus with the quick Bolus button. And then obviously, I have to clear notifications. That's the only time I have to use the touchscreen. Do you use the algorithm?
Scott Benner 56:48
Yeah, usually? Yeah, using that?
John 56:50
Yeah. Yeah.
Scott Benner 56:52
What's your agency? No.
John 56:55
Six, eight was the last Wow,
Scott Benner 56:57
that's exciting. How long do you think it's been since you saw 16 and a half aliens?
John 57:02
I have had moments in time of down around six, you know, the last 20 years, but but then they jump way back up for whatever reason, whether it's pain related, or, you know, I had moments but what I noticed since being on the tandem, I started a little over a year ago. I think I was a eight too. And then went to it. And I wasn't always at an eight to it's just for me, stuff just fluctuated so much. Jump up and down. But it went to like a seven, two and a six, eight. And so the trajectory is looking good. Like it's always the direction right? And I'm where you're at.
Scott Benner 57:45
How do you evaluate? I mean, the CGM is not is does it? Excuse me? Does it lack value for you? Because you can't really like infer from the graphs. So does someone do that? Who are you? Are you just like it for knowing what your blood sugar is? In the moment? It's both
John 58:03
I have to I have to remember trends. And I do pop on the clarity app to look. Yeah, you're right. I can't see the graph. But I can remember like, wow, this time every day. I might my numbers go up. At this time I go down, I go, Well, I'm taking enough insulin, that's a Basal thing. It's got to be and I had just a small surgery over the summer, nothing big. But I had to fast for a day. I'm like, perfect. I sat there and watched the Dexcom like I have no food. Yeah. And I saw like, even though the early afternoon, I'm like a cam creeping up to 150. Okay, with food, even even Bolus incorrectly, that's going to be a bigger problem later. So I was able to see it and go, Okay, I'm gonna jump it up here down around noon. You know, for a couple hours and but I can't make those changes on my own. Yeah, right. That that was my original thing about coming on here. Like, you know, I talked about the iPhone and the voiceover. I'm like, I always wished pump companies could throw that little voice chip in.
Scott Benner 59:21
And let you just say, you know, this button does this I just clicked. So on a pump. The way it would work I'm imagining is you'd want it to be like you'd click it and it would say menu and then you'd say it down and it would tell you what submenu and then you would know where you were constantly before you push the button.
John 59:40
How the iPhone works is you turn VoiceOver on. It's what's funny is watching a sighted person trying to use an iPhone with VoiceOver because they're just completely lost. Because what you have to do is I scroll my finger and I'm like okay, messages. The last thing you type in and out CES now you can move your finger anywhere on the screen and double tap real quick, it'll open messages because it'll remember the last thing you touched. Okay? And I open it reply to so and so I double tap on that, and then the keyboard pops up. It's the same thing like, hey, find the H. quickly tap it twice.
Scott Benner 1:00:21
That's every letter happens that way with VoiceOver.
John 1:00:26
Yes, but when it's like anything, it's like, you get good at it. Yeah, I'm not going to win any texting competitions of speed. But, you know, I tried Siri for a while. And I'm like, wow, Siri really sucks.
Scott Benner 1:00:41
I was gonna call this episode on it. But maybe texting champion will be the way I will be the way to go.
John 1:00:52
I don't have any awards. But in my mind, I'm good. Manners.
Scott Benner 1:00:57
Can I ask you a little bit about like meeting a person after you've lost your sight and telling them you have died? Because you're like, you're a double whammy? Right? Like
John 1:01:09
I must be good luck.
Scott Benner 1:01:11
I'll tell you what, I'm handsome. And I the reason I know that is because the lady married me after I had diabetes. And I was blind. And this blind the right word, by the way.
John 1:01:20
I don't care. I really don't care blind, visually impaired. And I don't know the difference between the two. Some might but I get it. And I don't.
Scott Benner 1:01:32
But, but well, how does that like? How do you somebody set you up on a date?
John 1:01:36
No, I was I was working with high school youth. And no, she was not a student. Let me get that out of the way. Right right away.
Scott Benner 1:01:47
Tell a story about how we got a high school junior today. That was like what's happening?
John 1:01:53
Like, I really don't like this guy now. I was doing stuff with youth and she was she come to this church, in this coastal town. And and now we have two different stories of when we met, she swears she met me at a mutual friend's house. And I know she was there. But I ever talked to her. I go that doesn't count. Apparently, I'm gonna embarrass her. Now. She went on some work trip, and told one of her best friends like, I think I met the guy I'm gonna marry.
Scott Benner 1:02:26
No kidding. Yeah, look at you.
John 1:02:29
And then later on, we started doing stuff. And so I'm, you know, I'm pretty good on a computer now. And this little funny stories. We like we went out to lunch or something and more dating yet, but I'm like, well, here, do you want to write your email address down? I can have someone look at it, whatever. You know, I think I might have had her number. So she, I have to say her name. And I know she won't care.
Scott Benner 1:02:59
That's why it's so
John 1:03:03
name's Kyrsten. And I'm like, so she had a website. It's not there anymore. So go ahead. And look, it's not there. But it was kyrsten@kearson.com. So I'm like, I'm gonna send her an email that night. And I'm like, No one's home. And I'm like I spoke Kiersten. So I started typing in. You would not? Or maybe you would believe the site that popped up and I'm like, Oh, my God, she's a porn star.
Scott Benner 1:03:31
Finally, things are going my way.
John 1:03:35
Like, I obviously spelled it wrong. This is why you just don't type random things. Yeah, and hit Enter.
Scott Benner 1:03:43
So don't do that. I was at a job once. And I needed an image. I was doing graphic design, I needed an image from like a government building. And I typed, I think I something.com. And it should have been.org. And that did not go well. And it was so bad that I had to go immediately to my employer and say, Listen, I need to tell you what just happened. Because I think if this comes up in a report later on, I'm going to be in trouble. Right and and so that's as crazy as it was that the White House has has since like, wrestled like that that link actually go somewhere else now. But it didn't then and it freaked me out. So anyway. I know how you feel is what I'm getting at. Yeah, so
John 1:04:43
we I mean, we dated a few years and we were old. I mean, not super all but we're in our you know, probably mid 30s. And we just we kind of have this. We knew what we were getting into like we're both like All or no doubt screwing around? And yeah, like we had we had calls and you know, the marriage question came up. We talked about it, like, and then, you know, finally popped the question. So
Scott Benner 1:05:14
it's interesting. So you don't know what she looks like at all right
John 1:05:17
now. But what's funny is we've been, we were actually at the same high school prom, she went to another high school in the same town. And I did, but I went with a girl that went to her school. So we're actually at the same prom. We're at like, three YouTube concerts to get knocked together, but at the same concerts, and so we're places here during life. So maybe in the back of my mind, I've seen her I don't know,
Scott Benner 1:05:43
do you do a thing where you do people describe, like famous people that you would have recollection of, like, how do you or do you just do it by touching their face? And that's it? How do you handle like understanding
John 1:05:58
that, like people like come in contact with or Yeah, like
Scott Benner 1:06:02
if you and I met, and we were trying to give you context, when I pick somebody famous from before you lost your sight and say, Hey, I kinda look like this. Or
John 1:06:13
I don't think you want me touching your face.
Scott Benner 1:06:15
I don't know. You seem nice enough. I'm worried you're due at one time as your hands are clean. But but you don't fall for that one again. John, it's my face. You'll be fine. Come here. Listen, you understand embarrassment. You're 40 Niners fan.
So I know. I'll get to it.
I want to know how you watch football.
John 1:06:40
I do. Which is funny because I listened to your podcast on the Odyssey app. And I got the Odyssey app to listen to the Northern California sports talk stuff. And it feels weird, though. Because if it's a game I care about, like, if it's another game, I want the my radio guys. Okay, and so that was free for a while then I had to get a VPN and it's like 10 bucks a month. And I'm like, it's worth it. Other sports? If it's on TV, it's fine. Like I can follow it well enough. Except basketball. I can't watch basketball on TV. Like they talk about everything but the game. You need this false good.
Scott Benner 1:07:20
Yeah. Baseball play by play is amazing. Yeah. Like usually, two guys do a good job or whoever does a good job. Yeah.
John 1:07:28
Well, that's not. Yeah, it's fine. I mean, we actually got engaged at a Giants game.
Scott Benner 1:07:35
San Francisco Giants. Yeah. You don't want to just learn that my podcast is on Odyssey.
John 1:07:42
There you go. Sounds good for something.
Scott Benner 1:07:46
I was like, I don't think I want honestly.
John 1:07:51
I'll figure it out. If you don't now, if I have to. That's just what pops up for the week. If I see something on the Facebook group, I'll just do a Google search. And it'll tell I'll find it that way. If I see a title, or a topic, and then I'll just download it.
Scott Benner 1:08:10
That's really interesting. I don't Yeah. Does it have? Does it have all the episodes?
John 1:08:15
I don't know how to find older episodes on there. Okay. It has the most current like, there's usually five or six. Cool.
Scott Benner 1:08:24
Well, that's great. Excellent. I honestly use that that and I had to stop myself from going get out of here. Really? It's like, I'm like, let me look.
John 1:08:33
Yeah. Back to the what do you look like thing people have to know they have the cut off is about 1996.
Scott Benner 1:08:42
Yeah, right. Yeah. And then you say
John 1:08:45
someone that's popular now. I'm like,
Scott Benner 1:08:47
so you can watch a baseball game because you've seen a baseball game? Yes, I
John 1:08:53
had. And that's that's a great point about being blind. I I had years of sight. So I know how I know how people behind the wheel are mostly idiots. So I, I can anticipate. Yeah, don't trust that guy. No. Yeah, that that motors revenue a little high. I'm gonna wait. I'll wait here
Scott Benner 1:09:12
at the corner for a second. Yeah. And so have you ever tried watching a sport that you had never seen prior to being excited?
John 1:09:19
Yeah, we're in. We're in Ireland a couple of years ago. And they have this giant like, nationwide hurling playoffs and term and I'm just like, it's just a lot of screaming and I don't I don't really get this game yet. Everybody was into it.
Scott Benner 1:09:36
That's how I feel when I watched soccer.
John 1:09:42
won the World Cup was on I said, my sisters and my son, my nephews were into it. And they had it on the TV. And I go, Hey, can you turn the sound up so I can check and follow the action? I'm like, Oh, wait, it's soccer.
Scott Benner 1:09:55
So I'm just gonna run back and forth and nothing's gonna happen.
John 1:10:00
I'm sorry, soccer fans. Oh, my son. I
Scott Benner 1:10:02
tried to watch that list game. And we just sat there incredulous. We were like what is happening? Like, when is something going to happen? Yeah, I know. I know. Listen, I don't want to hear about I know people love soccer and I'm whatever. It's just I didn't grow up with it. And it just doesn't grab me. But anyway, I'm sure people are like, But baseball is boring. Like, that's fine. Don't like baseball. I don't care. Anyway, so how do you? I mean, obviously, audio is a big thing for you. But still, how do you find a podcast?
John 1:10:35
I was on a different URL. For years, I was on a different Facebook group. It was a tandem room. And everyone kept talking about this juice box thing. Everyone the bad? Ah, yeah, just I'm like, let me let me try it. Let me just did a quick search and boom or so. And I think somebody put a link and I just hit it. And like, ah, like, Okay, how do I listen? You know, because I've obviously know what a podcast is. I've been on a podcast, but I've never really listened to podcasts. And what's funny is it took me What 40? I don't know. 4647 years of type one is like, Well, yeah, there's a whole community out there. Be interested.
Scott Benner 1:11:28
Yeah. And learn more about it. Oh, that's really, that's really interesting. Yeah, I know, people are so kind about how they talk about the show. I mean, generally speaking, there's I did get a review recently. I don't think the lady likes me very much. But that's okay. And, but But generally speaking, like, listeners are very kind about how they share the show. Yeah. And and it really is how it ends up growing. But what did you expect when you got there? Like, I mean, you don't you can't care that much about them. I'm talking for you. But do you care much about management talk?
John 1:12:00
Yeah, I care. Like, I guess I break it down in two ways. There's educational and there's stories like mine is going to be a story. Yeah. I mean, there's some education in it, but but I think it's interesting people's paths. But the stuff I've really gotten into, you know, is the stuff on, you know, thyroid and what's the the iron deficiency stuff? Because I see a nephrologist. I mean, you could probably imagine what my kidneys look like, but they've been, they've been stable. Like for for many years? Well, it just so much damage was done early. That, um, you know, it's hard with the CIQ. Sometimes, because with compromised kidneys, insulin can have a prolonged half life. Oh, I see. No kidding. So yeah, so even though I have zero on board, I might have three units on board. Like I've discovered that probably discovered that 10 years ago, the insulin I never knew it.
Scott Benner 1:13:07
Insulin seems to have a longer effect with you in time,
John 1:13:10
let's say yeah. And usually on the back end,
Scott Benner 1:13:12
do you spend any time wondering what's gonna happen next, if something's gonna happen next? No,
John 1:13:19
no, I, it's kind of like when I lost my sight. If I thought if I thought a week ahead, I get all jumbled up. And I know it's such a sports cliche one day at a time. It's, it's so stupid, but it works so well. Like, you go, I'm gonna I'm going to deal with it. You know, dialysis is my future. I'll deal with it. You know? I don't want it and I'm doing all I can to, to not do that. But yeah, you can drive yourself crazy with anything. What's What am I gonna look like in a year from now? I don't know.
Scott Benner 1:13:55
Yeah, just do the best you can take care of yourself and hope everything how about the pain in your you said in your abdomen is gone? So that stuff is is cleared from just bring your blood sugar's down? Yes. Okay. How do you eat you have an eating style that you, you maintain, or just whatever you're thinking about,
John 1:14:16
generally two meals a day. I get up and I don't, I have a lot of insomnia. And that's just kind of this whole other thing that I noticed my numbers can be off, sleeps an amazing thing. You know, and just not sleeping can cause your learner's to go off. But I think that's more of the blindness stuff. Like I have no like perception. And my body is like, my clock is like,
Scott Benner 1:14:44
Oh, you don't have a circadian rhythm at all. Yes, yes. There's nothing you can do about that.
John 1:14:51
More drugs. And I'm like, You know what? I take enough stuff. Okay. Just it's not what happens is probably twice a month. I get into this rhythm of falling asleep at 345 am. And I, I try not to sleep till noon. Sometimes I get two hours and I go, okay. Okay, the the sooner I get up the quicker my
Scott Benner 1:15:15
you're bound to come back. Yeah, you can get back to bed at a reasonable time. How do you? I mean, what about I hate to ask like this, but like you can't Can you work?
John 1:15:27
Well, a lot of the stuff I did with the youth that was all volunteer. I did a run with the California State rehab, you know, for to find a job. I'm going to tell you, son, I was not impressed. Didn't feel that I didn't have to work. But I'll give you a quick example. Like I signed up, said, Okay, you go to San Francisco, like, for three days, all day, I got a ride up there and figured out where I was going in the building. And I'm sitting there, and this guy comes in, he starts giving me all these different tests. Now he's writing stuff down. But then he comes in with an algebra test. Now I know algebra. But when you can't see algebra, you don't know algebra. I'm like, Are you serious? Because yeah, we got to find it. I go in it, it was actually multiple choice. And I'm like, Alright, see? Like, like, I'm not done. This is ridiculous. Like, there was no there was no computer anything. I thought it'd be more like, what can you do on a computer? Yeah, I mean, I was I was a forum moderator for 12 years, without eyesight, right? Like, I can do anything on a computer. But the state of California says, We're not making a difference for anyone. And we're gonna give you an algebra test. All right. How did I do?
Scott Benner 1:16:53
You don't just lie to me.
John 1:16:56
Yeah. So I looked into that. And then I, again, the volunteer stuff was great. We moved down here about four years ago. And so it's kind of like restarting everything over. And then of course, the big COVID hit, and it's like, alright, well, yeah, this will don't have to work. I. Yeah, there's stuff I'd like to do. Not sure what it is. But do you
Scott Benner 1:17:19
have that thought? Like, like, there's something you should be? How do you how do you feel your day, I guess, was my question.
John 1:17:27
Exercise? That's big. Reading music, and just just the normal stuff around the house. Yeah, dishes. All of it. How old's your son? He just turned 18. Oh, my gosh.
Scott Benner 1:17:41
That sounds like Yeah, yeah. I reminded myself a couple of times to this story that you've been married a while, haven't you?
John 1:17:47
Yeah. 20 years. Next month? Yeah. Well,
Scott Benner 1:17:49
good for you. Any worry about? I didn't ask you. Do you have any other autoimmune stuff? It's that you said thyroid at one point.
John 1:17:58
Yeah, I thought you might ask me that. And I quickly jumped on my medical stuff online and TSH, right. Yeah. I think it's point eight three. Wow. Yeah, they've
Scott Benner 1:18:11
got that manage, though. So you have I've
John 1:18:13
been on Synthroid and now it's the thyroxin stuff and, and I remember like, Doctor years ago was like, always get Synthroid, nothing else. Yeah. And so I asked this doctor that question, he says, well, that the other generics have caught up. And I've listened to the one you were talking to an endo about the shape and color of these things. I'm like, that's, that's a good thing to know. Because since I've been down here, the shape or about the color, but the shape is always the same. So
Scott Benner 1:18:50
So you have shirts the same man because you have hypothyroidism you have type one. Anemia.
John 1:18:55
Yeah, a little bit. Little.
Scott Benner 1:18:57
Okay. Does your son have anything? No, no. Is it I have such a we're coming towards the end. I saved what I think is the worst question for the end title. That's okay. Awesome. Awesome. I'm sorry.
John 1:19:11
I'm gonna I'm a fortnight fan forever. No,
Scott Benner 1:19:14
no, John, I've stopped myself three times from asking you
John 1:19:19
what you guys deserve no.
Scott Benner 1:19:21
Question about the football now you're making me feel as we'll get to how the Eagles destroyed the Niners in a second okay. How God How does it feel to have never seen your son?
John 1:19:36
That's, that can be tough. I ain't gonna lie to you that that can be because people, people can be brutal without being brutal. And so I know my son during part of his life look like so my nephews, but a lot of those nephews I haven't seen either And so, you know, God, I love Facebook, but my wife posted a picture of him. Me and her, three of us or something. And someone that I don't know that knows my wife. Oh, he looks so much like your family. Oh my gosh, like, does he look like anyone or your husband's family? And I'm like, you suck.
Scott Benner 1:20:26
Thank you. This is I don't know this person. You suck. This has been fun. Thank you.
John 1:20:33
There's no malice. Oh, sure. Oh, my God. He's People say he, yeah, there's pictures I put up for a profile picture. And I put a picture of me up from eighth grade. And people are like, Oh, there he is.
Scott Benner 1:20:48
Yeah, see it? I never think my son looks like me. And then I saw a photo of him. Kind of like hamming it up as a freshman in college, next to a picture of me like five years old. And we look oddly similar. And yeah, and I, of course, I'm adopted. So I don't have any. I've never known anyone who's looked like me. So I don't see it the same way. And I think I kind of feel like no one looks like me. So I don't even see myself and my kids sometimes. Right. Right. But it's hard. I mean, it's hard to miss sometimes, you know,
John 1:21:21
but sometimes the mannerisms kick in to that home add more. Yeah. Now last night on the on the live thing, people like, oh, I finally see you and I'm like, I wanted to go, what does he look like? I guess I want to talk to him tomorrow.
Scott Benner 1:21:36
I asked him, I don't even know. I couldn't even begin to tell you what I look like I have no idea. I think my head's too big. I have a critique of the creation or whoever did this to me
John 1:21:46
and asked me what's wrong with you?
Scott Benner 1:21:49
I don't know. I think I have brown wavy hair. That's, I mean, I keep it not short, not long. So I used to have tighter curls when I was younger. They're wavy or now that I'm that I'm dyeing my potty skin and my body is giving it up. I am not thin, I'm not overweight. I am not attractive. And I'm not ugly. I think I'm an average looking not bad guy. My wife told me I was handsome at lunch the other day and I was like what? Like I don't even I don't feel that about myself if that's true. Alright, five now if you've been to
John 1:22:27
therapy, because I'm hearing a lot of what you're not
Scott Benner 1:22:30
know, I don't know how to say what I am. As far as like visually speaking.
John 1:22:34
I mean, this is described like Bernie Cozaar I don't
Scott Benner 1:22:37
know. I you know what, that's fair. I look like Bernie Cozaar but I'm right handed. And but you know what? I don't look like Bernie Kosar jump, but that's not oddly far off. Okay, that's interesting. Yeah. Oh, that's very interesting that you did that visual
John 1:22:55
memory that I don't I couldn't even describe a Bernie Kosar looks like but I you know, I saw him in like 1982 or something.
Scott Benner 1:23:02
Yeah, I'm gonna put Hold on a second. No one else if you're driving you don't look for a picture. Bernie Cozaar obviously also, most people are like, I have no idea who that is. quarterback of the browns. Back when they sucked less. Yes. Not that they didn't suck. They just suck the last two. I write Bernie Cozaar I'm looking at a picture on what he played for the dolphins because he was older. Boy, you know what, John? Yeah, okay, not that's not oddly far off. Okay, I'm gonna get a Bernie crows are Jersey CFTC.
John 1:23:35
If I could make money doing stuff like that. The awesome.
Scott Benner 1:23:39
Also not for nothing, but CBS News reports. The Browns have cut ties with Bernie Cozaar after he made a $19,000 bet on the team Season Finale versus the Steelers. Oh, I wouldn't bet on the Steelers to the analyst on the pregame show. I guess he does the pregame analysis. Just 16 years old. How about that? Bernie? You can't bet on sports when you're working on buddy. Yeah, that doesn't work. You can't do that. All right now. In fairness, when I was growing up and probably the way you became a Niners fan, they were a monster right? Joe Montana, then Montana leaves you think oh, they're never gonna be good again. And the next guy is just as good if not better, seemed unfair, even right. But the other night now, not that you guys haven't been through a thing this season like with the quarterbacks getting hurt in every Sure, sure. But I'm gonna tell you, John, the kid, the injury the kid got I. I mean, when's the last time you heard anybody get a UCL injury in a football game? I've never heard of a UCL right. It's a base. It's a baseball. It's a baseball entry. And all I can tell you is he had his arm was cocked back and the guy came in, slapped at the ball caught enough of his forearm that it just yanked his elbow back like that. And it sprung out these young kids still like I mean, I know he's a big strong athlete, but he's I Don't know how people think about he's still young, his body's not even mature all the way yet. And that was it. And they played. Not that you don't know. But did he throw one pass after they? Then they brought the next guy in. Who by the
John 1:25:12
way was Josh Johnson is played for like 48 teams.
Scott Benner 1:25:15
Yeah. And he's been in the league 20 years. Yeah. And by the way, but somehow it looks like he's 23 years old, so good for him. But like, because they you're looking him in the face like he's been in the league 19 years and like, that's not possible. He's 25 Like, what are we talking about? But apparently just the young looking guy, and he was outmatched, which he should have been like, don't get me wrong, but the Eagles fly around on defense, and he looked like a deer in headlights.
John 1:25:40
Oh, yeah, you guys were I mean, in all phases. You guys are better. You guys are better. You guys are better all year. Like we flew up and went to the Christmas Eve game. Like that. Song gave us tickets. And that was a lot of fun. My son met Jerry Rice, by the way that day, not a picture that. He said, No, I was happy. I was super happy, but better, just better. And they you know, they say homefield advantage is a thing.
Scott Benner 1:26:10
Also, and I'll tell you that, contextually the end of last season, I was one of those people who was like, We got to replace Jalen Hertz. Like he's not going to do it. And then I don't know what that kid did over the over the offseason, but he came back in like a pickup a focused person, you know, and he's just he doesn't have I don't think he's got an even a terrific arm. He's a new age quarterback. And I think I think you're gonna see them pluck as many guys like him out of college as they can move him forward. He's he's just it's it's interesting and fun to watch him play. But anyway, you know, once they gave the concussion to the backups, backup to the backups, backups, backup, you know, like to the fourth quarterback you guys have used this year. I'll use check was next in line. Well, I thought they were gonna put but they let McCaffrey throw a pass. That's like how? There's a screen. Yeah. And by the way, he missed. He hit the field, but there was no one in the television image when the ball hit. Where it was.
John 1:27:14
Especially went down. I'm like, Alright, what do you guys want to do?
Scott Benner 1:27:17
You know, and it was a peewee football game. After that. They handed off the ball until the game was over. Remember Eric Allen? Sure.
John 1:27:26
This is a kind of a name drop. And I actually didn't ever meet him. But my son played varsity football last couple years when Eric Allen sons was on his team. Really? Yeah, because he went, Eric Allen went to the high school here. My son goes to
Scott Benner 1:27:42
Eric Allen returned an interception for like, 101 yards when I was a kid. It was Oh against Boomer, one of the craziest things I ever saw in my life
John 1:27:51
when Boomer was just the chats, right? Yes, I
Scott Benner 1:27:53
believe. Yeah, I believe so. It was just amazing. It was it's, it was just incredible. You know, I met Troy Vincent a Best Buy once. Okay. It was ridiculous. We were walking out together, and like walking to our cars. And I looked at him I went Troy Vincent, and he goes, What's up? And I was like, hey, and then we just walked.
John 1:28:14
That's the best way to do it. Right.
Scott Benner 1:28:18
Like, that's insane, like, the quarterback for and it was like he was still playing. You don't I mean, he was the best by grabbing something.
John 1:28:25
Yeah, we've lost half the listeners by now. But Oh, you think so?
Scott Benner 1:28:29
So reason I did this at the end, John. Oh, yeah, man, I really appreciate you doing this like sincerely. It was a it was lovely talking to you. I feel like I could do it forever. So that's yeah.
John 1:28:41
And I And Scott, the more I listen, the more I go. Yes, it'd be fun. Like, this will just be fun. And it's not, you know, I. And what's funny is last night I saw post, well, blind guy, I actually went on to the Facebook group and just typed in blind. And I saw this post come up, and I'm like, why should they answer this? It's a week old. So I wasn't way far off. But I did. And I'm like, it just it's, it's helping people. But it's, it's, it's also having humility, and being able to learn at the age of 54. You know, you have to have both. You got to be confident and be be a little humble. And don't get involved with the drama.
Scott Benner 1:29:26
But I want you to me, this is a compliment. I hope you take it this way. But I said to somebody recently, there are basically two different kinds of guys that come on the show. They're either really in touch with their feelings, or they're really kind of manly men, like there's but you're in the middle. You're interesting. I would love to talk to more men that think like you do. And just keep them guessing. Well, no, just like you've like you've lived it's like you have two different lives that you're drawing. Yeah, that's what it feels like to me. Like you were. You were a guy who was going to be an electrician, and you're a guy who knows what it's like to live without sight and to be humbled by your health and to not give up and to fight back like, Oh, that's a, you're an interesting mixture of a person. For sure. Yeah. No, it's been. It's been really good talking to you. I appreciate it. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Would you hold on for a second, please? Yeah, thanks
I can't thank John enough for coming on the show and sharing his story. And honestly, I can't thank the contour next gen enough for being a longtime supporter of the podcast. They even supported the remastering of the diabetes Pro Tip series. So check them out. Contour next one.com forward slash juicebox. And of course, on the pod beyond the pod dash, or the on the pod five, whichever is a, you know, the one you're looking for, you can find it at Omni pod.com forward slash juicebox links in the show notes links at juicebox podcast.com.
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#1036 Fancy Tractor
Emily is a baking farmer with type 1 diabetes.
You can always listen to the Juicebox Podcast here but the cool kids use: Apple Podcasts/iOS - Spotify - Amazon Music - Google Play/Android - Radio Public, Amazon Alexa or wherever they get audio.
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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.
Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 1036 of the Juicebox Podcast.
Today on the podcast I'll be speaking with Emily, she's 21 years old has had type one diabetes for 16 years, and also has hypothyroidism, celiac, and a number of other issues. While you're listening today, please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming bold with insulin. If you'd like to save 40% at cozy earth.com on sheets, towels or clothing, just use the offer code juice box at checkout. That's all you have to do to save 40% off of your entire order to get 10% off your first month of therapy, use my link better help.com forward slash juicebox. And those of you who are going to start drinking ag one, it's drink ag one.com forward slash juicebox. You're gonna get five free travel packs in a year supply of vitamin D with your first order when you go to my link. Don't forget to check out the diabetes Pro Tip series. It's completely remastered and running in your audio app right now between Episode 1001 1026. This episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by Dexcom, makers of the Dexcom G seven and G six continuous glucose monitoring systems. Find out more and see if you're eligible for a free trial@dexcom.com Ford slash Juicebox Podcast is also sponsored today. By us med us med is the place where my daughter gets her diabetes supplies from and you can to us med.com forward slash juicebox or call 888721151 for use the link or call the number get your free benefits check and get going with us med
Emily 2:14
My name is Emily Ben Reagan mortar. I am 21 years old. I have had diabetes for around 16 years now. And so I've also have a lot of other conditions that have come up through the years. So
Scott Benner 2:30
yeah. Diagnosed around five. Yes, yep. Okay, what other things have come up?
Emily 2:37
So I was diagnosed with let me look at my note again.
Scott Benner 2:43
You know, you're in trouble, Emily, when you have to make notes about your medical conditions, if you're going to talk about it. Are you scrolling back to the first page?
Emily 2:57
No, it's one page at least. No, I was I also have the dates. So I'm making it kind of easy for you.
Scott Benner 3:04
Go ahead. Well, let's start with let's start at the beginning what was first?
Emily 3:08
So diabetes was first and I was about five years old. Yep. So that would have been like 2006 ish. That I got that. And then I got hypothyroidism around 11 celiac disease around 11. And then, working with my doctor, I've also like have a variant of efficiency, which they don't really know if that's linked or not
Scott Benner 3:35
with ovarian insufficiency or efficiency. insufficiency I was gonna say, I think they don't say anything when they're efficient. Sorry. I might have misheard you. Primary over ovarian insufficiency? Correct. When the ovaries stop functioning as they should be for age 40. This happens when this happens. Your ovaries don't produce typical amounts of hormone estrogen or release eggs regularly. condition is also called premature ovarian failure. And it could lead to infertility but it might not
Emily 4:12
yet. That's what I've been told. So
Scott Benner 4:16
how old were you when that happened?
Emily 4:18
That was I was 17 when that happened because I never had a cycle. And so they basically just pushed it off until I was 17. I was like okay, we should probably do something about this now. Like all right.
Scott Benner 4:32
Anything else?
Emily 4:35
That is pretty much it. And then I guess I've also struggled with like mental health side I've had like, I've had a little bit with depression a little bit with like anxiety and body dysmorphia and stuff like that. So yeah. All right, all across the board.
Scott Benner 4:55
You're covering you're checking all the boxes as they say. Yes, bye bye.
Emily 5:00
Definitely the expensive kid.
Scott Benner 5:03
I never thought of it that way. The Hypothyroidism is that Hashimotos never has been mentioned to me. Do they ever feel your thyroid and tell you there's like bumps on it or anything like that?
Emily 5:13
They do. But no, they've never seen anything. So no.
Scott Benner 5:17
Have you had testing for your thyroid? They do the blood testing. Yeah, but not not antibody testing?
Emily 5:25
I don't know. Yeah, probably. I would assume so. Okay.
Scott Benner 5:30
Okay. Well, where do we want to begin? I think I want to begin with anxiety. Have you always had it to the college a certain age? Say that again? I'm sorry. For people listening. Emily lives, what we're going to call in the heartland of America. And she's getting her Wi Fi with two tin cans, a string and a RadioShack. Fan. So anxiety, I was gonna ask you about anxiety? Like when did it start? Have you always had it? Or did it start at a certain time?
Emily 6:06
Oh, that's a that's a really good question. I guess. I don't really remember a ton like growing up either. And so I don't know. I feel like it's something I've always kind of had, but it's just always been there, I guess. So. I also recognize a lot more of what it is now that I'm older too.
Scott Benner 6:29
So what does it look like day to day?
Emily 6:32
I mean, it's really not terrible. It's just that I always expect the worst and I get very overwhelmed when I have a lot of things on my plate. So between I work on a farm also. And so I just things consistently stack up and it's just gets very overwhelming.
Scott Benner 6:52
Was that a hay bale Pong things just back up or no? No, right. Okay. Wait, so you work on what you did you grow up on a farm?
Emily 7:02
Yeah, yep. I actually work on my family farm.
Scott Benner 7:05
Oh, God, we get to call this episode E I E I O. Thank you. Fantastic. Okay. So you grew up on a family farm and you work it now as an adult? Right. Okay. So you have a ton of responsibilities at your job, but your job is also a family commitment. Tiny hits twice, right? Yes, yeah.
Emily 7:29
Actually, when there's a lot of things I need to do on my own. I also because I also have a home bakery. Because baking is my passion. I went to college for Pastry Arts. And so I tried to do that in the mix. And it just
Scott Benner 7:46
you weren't able to get a job doing that, or are you? I'm trying to understand like, did you want to be a baker and it didn't work out or you felt pulled to the family farm and so you didn't want to leave home. My daughter has had type one diabetes for over 15 years. And through all that, we've gotten our diabetes supplies from a couple of places. I've never really enjoyed the experience until now until I found us med us med.com forward slash juicebox or call 888721151 for use the phone number or the link to get your free benefits check. And then once you know that US med takes your insurance, you're on your way. Actually us med takes over 800 private insurers and they accept Medicare nationwide. They have an A plus rating with the Better Business Bureau and they always provide you with 90 days worth of supplies. And they have fast and free shipping. They carry everything from insulin pumps and diabetes testing supplies to the latest CGM like the FreeStyle Libre three and the Dexcom G seven but if you want the G six of libre two, they have that as well. US med is gonna give you better service and better care. As a matter of fact, they've offered that service to over 1 million diabetes customers since 1996. Us med.com forward slash juice box the number one distributor for FreeStyle Libre systems nationwide. Number one specialty distributor for Omni pod dash us med is where we got Omni pod five from the what else they got their tandem distributor they're the number one fastest tandem distributor nationwide, number one rated distributor index comm customer satisfaction surveys. Come on us med.com forward slash Juicebox Podcast Omnipod dash they have it went to Dexcom g7 They have it with a tandem T slim they have it well one on the pod five they they have it they have it they have it us med.com forward slash juicebox head on over now or call 888721151 for links in the show notes links at juicebox podcast.com.
Emily 9:58
Yeah, so I I actually did a few baking jobs here and there. But as I liked having growing on up on working on the farm, I kind of also can just manage myself. And so I've kind of been used to that. And so I wanted to do my own thing. But I'm also in as stated, the middle of nowhere. And so, and there's a lot of Dutch people around here and Dutch people don't like spending money.
Scott Benner 10:29
You're saying you can't sell a scone, where you live because people are frugal? What if you move somewhere to where people would pony up for for a scone?
Emily 10:42
We're working on that. I still live at home. And my because my partner is finishing college. And so and he's going to be an engineer, so he doesn't know where he's planning to end up either. Okay, and so I'm kind of just holding out until I say he's done with college, because I don't want to spend the money to have a place and then have to leave either. So I want to say saving money, I guess. Okay, so
Scott Benner 11:08
you're saving money. You're working at home, but you're also not practicing your craft. Right? You need to are you baking at home for your family? Well, I
Emily 11:14
bake and sell out of my home to people. It's just not enough to actually make a living on it currently. So I want to say for the Russian project that gets done on the
Scott Benner 11:26
side. That's nice. That's nice. I want to say for the record, I don't like scones. I have no idea. I said that. Like I don't know why something that I so don't enjoy was my example. What do you think? That's true? Yeah. It's weird, right? Like, why didn't I say something? I
Emily 11:40
like, Scania was kind of a completely random one. I will say, yeah. And they're dry.
Scott Benner 11:44
And I don't know. I shouldn't have said that. I'm going to regret that for the next 10 minutes or so you think maybe you feel
Emily 11:52
better. I sell a lot of cheesecake.
Scott Benner 11:54
So Oh, cheesecake. A good cheesecake is hard to hard to say no to. It's mostly about the consistency that cheesecake and the juxtaposition against the cross, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah. Very important. Where did you go to school to learn this?
Emily 12:11
I did online out of Boulder, Colorado, at a Augustus Gauthier. So it was actually a culinary school. And I'm very glad I did it online, because that's when the whole world shut down. So I was able to continue getting my stuff done.
Scott Benner 12:29
You learn to bake online?
Emily 12:31
I did. Emily. It takes a little bit of skill. I will say.
Scott Benner 12:36
Yeah, cuz, wow. I don't know. Would you just follow along with the videos?
Emily 12:41
Yeah. So like, I would watch a video and have like a live lecture basically. And then you just had to take pictures of like, eight or 10 steps along the way while you're baking. And like, the chef's can tell that if it's right or not, and then just fill out like a whole little form. Did you have to consistency in flavors and everything? No, no?
Scott Benner 13:04
That's pretty. That's pretty interesting. A way to get around that. Did you have to take pictures of people's faces while they were biting into it to prove it tasted good? No, no, I thought I would have done if I was the I would have been like now you have to feed it to somebody and show me the reaction. Can you imagine there's someone running around right now, with a baking degree and they suck at it. Nobody knows. Because nobody ever ate their food.
Emily 13:27
I mean, there there was a few questionable people in my program. I will I will say we had a Facebook group. And there was there was some interesting things that I got went through.
Scott Benner 13:38
I have to ask you, do you know that I went to baking school? I did not. Okay. In high school. I was faced leaving Middle School. I don't know how people like, break up their schooling and all around the country. But where I was, I think we went to middle school. That's what we call it right? elementary, middle school, high school and middle school ended at like eighth grade. And then you went with the high school I went ninth 10th 11th and 12th at high school. But like the first year, ninth grade was still in the middle school building. So I don't know. You don't I mean, anyway, when I had to go to high school. I am not a good student. Emily, is a matter of fact, I am really bad at going to school. I was worried to say the least. And one day there was a trip to the technical school. There is a technical school you could go to in conjunction with the high school and I went and I on the tour figured out that the way the schedule worked back then was that for half the month for two weeks of the month, you'd go to tech school, and then for the other two weeks, you'd go to to the high school and I was very easily I had my math was great back then. And I took three years and I divided in half. And I realized I only have to go to high school for a year and a half if I went to tech school, and I was like, I could probably get through that, you know. So I went to the building, and I had no interest in any of the trades. Like none. But I figured out I'll pick one. And then, you know, I don't know that I'll get a year on half off from high school, obviously, I was not planning for my future, Emily. And I went around the building like small engine repair, there was like the restaurant there, there was a place where you could learn to be a hairdresser, like like all this like, like pretty great stuff, you know. And then I walked into the bakery. And Emily, there were more pretty girls in the bakery than anywhere else in the building. So I went to baking school and Dexcom for the pretty girls were so that's where I went. And then I discovered I really liked baking. So I did it for three years. And I got out of high school and got a job immediately in a bakery. And about a week and a half into it, I was like that, my friends is called a cliffhanger. dexcom.com forward slash juicebox. Head over now and get yourself a Dexcom g7 Or a Dexcom G six dexcom.com forward slash juicebox. Let's do it together, shall we dexcom.com. Forward slash juice box. Click. Now what's going to happen web page lovely person pops up. We're in a Dexcom g7. I scroll down to New Dexcom g7, the most accurate CGM system and there's like a little thing I wonder what the little thing means, because it says it's the most accurate, but then it's like you gotta go read this to agree with this thing. Oh, is where the hecky who Oh, finger sticks required for diabetes treatment decisions, if symptoms or expectations do not match readings, okay. That's the thing. dexcom.com forward slash juicebox. lots of lovely photograph offers, photographs, pictures, let's call them here on the website. So you can really see what you're getting. And the size of the new Dexcom g7 is kind of astonishing. So you'll, you'll take a look and see what you think. Personally, for me, my daughter is using the g7. And I can tell you that she enjoys the size, and the quick warmup period, which is 30 minutes. But there's this kind of this overlap you can do that eliminates the 30 minute period. So you can see if I can explain this correctly, you can put a new G seven on before the old G sevens done, then just wait 30 minutes, and then turn off the old one and turn on the new one and a law, a number appears. So you still have the numbers from the old one. Until the numbers from the new one showed up. It's I was I didn't mean to I was cursed. It's really great. You're gonna love it. These things work with these things, the Dexcom work, the Dexcom g7 and G six work with Android or iPhone. And they come with a receiver if you'd like if you'd rather use the Dexcom receiver, you absolutely can. Or you can use your smartphone. Speaking of smartphones, up to 10 people can follow the blood sugar. So your kid could wear this or you could wear it. And I don't know whoever you want can follow up the 10 people, they can get their own alerts and alarms. Oh, I didn't mention the alerts and alarms. You can set alerts and alarms for yourself highs and lows. You know, you can tell tell the thing like I want to know when I'm dropping quickly I want to know when I get to this number, you know a lot of different configurations. And then it'll just beep and tell you now we have our settings that let's see Arden's phone is 70 and 130, low 70, High 130, my phone, low 70, High 120 You can do whatever you want. It's completely user settable. That's not the word, adjustable. Whatever you can decide. That's really what this is about. It's about you making good decisions. And trust me when you can see not just your blood sugar, right, the number but the speed and direction that it's moving in. That's the kind of feedback you need to make terrific decisions dexcom.com forward slash juicebox head over now, get started. You're gonna love it, there's actually a Get Started button, you can just click on that. I actually think you can also hold on a second. You can fill out some information here that you can get started right now. Just go to the link dexcom.com forward slash juicebox they've actually made it really easy. Anyway, while you're there, read about the clarity app too. That's a great little aspect of Dexcom that you're going to love. links in the show notes links at juicebox podcast.com. Hey, are you on Medicare? There's a link there too. For G seven, head over now. I just realized they made this ad really long so Dexcom bonus for you. Everybody else thanks for listening if you skip through it, let's just say I understand bout a week and a half into it. I was like what the fuck? Why are we starting work at one o'clock in the morning? And then I quit that job.
Emily 20:04
Yeah, I worked at a patisserie for a few about a year. I was lucky enough that I lived far away that they never scheduled me for opening. Then I didn't have to be there till like nine o'clock.
Scott Benner 20:16
Are you allowed to say Patisserie? Do I have to block bleep that is not a bad word.
Emily 20:20
No, that's just a style of bakery. Oh, oh, french french bakery.
Scott Benner 20:26
Okay, so anyway, I quit that job because I was not going to get up in the middle of the night and work and that was ridiculous. And then I realized I'd wasted the prior three years of my life, and then I moved on. So anyway, it's a cautionary tale. We, um, how do you make out in the bakery? type one, because you're always like tasting things while you're baking. Right?
Emily 20:50
Yeah, most of the time. Yeah. But I've also kind of just a lot of the times I'm moving around and running around so often that it almost helps just bump me up a little bit.
Scott Benner 21:01
Oh, so Oh, that's interesting. So you're just you're tasting a little bit, but you don't really need insulin for it. Because you're moving around so much. Yeah, yeah. Oh, cool.
Emily 21:11
And I know that. I don't know. I never really taste that much, either. So
Scott Benner 21:16
now, what's your favorite disgusting bakery thing? I have mine. In my mind first. Sure. I like taking cinnamon bun dough that's raw, and then dipping it into butter wash and then throwing it in the cinnamon sugar and then eating it wrong.
Speaker 1 21:35
Yeah, I understand. You're like Emily's like, that'll work. Alright, so Okay. What do you recall about the first years of your diabetes? Like, do you have any recollection from being five years old?
Emily 21:49
I really don't remember it at all. I know that. It was It wasn't really that bad. And my parents caught it right away. Because my dad is also type one runs in my family. So my dad is also in my dad's paternal grandfather also has type one. Wow. Okay. So they were able to keep catch it right away. And then I was in and out of the hospital and a few days. And I know I wasn't actually on injections super long, because they wanted me to get on a pump before going to kindergarten that year. So I think really only a few months. I actually only did injections.
Scott Benner 22:30
So you've been wearing a pump your whole life pretty much with diabetes.
Emily 22:33
Yes, yeah. Yep. And so like back when I started, Medtronic was really top tier. So I've always been used to a tube pump. So now I used to a few years back I actually finally switched to tandem because I was very sick of Medtronic. And I was ready for because and then when like CGM is became popular. I used the Dexcom for a few years. I think it was like the four back then four or five, maybe, okay. And then Medtronic came out with theirs, which is terrible. It did not work for me at all. Medtronic
Scott Benner 23:13
CGM didn't work for you. How did how did that? Like? What does that mean? You say it didn't work for you?
Emily 23:21
I use both me and my dad I guess. I don't know. It was constantly always like 30 to 40 Points off. Didn't never caught trends, right. And it was just very unreliable.
Scott Benner 23:35
Gotcha. You're um, when do you start working on the farm? Like how old did they get you doing stuff? What kind of farm is it? By the way? What do you do? Is it dairy? Is it beef? Is it like what kind of farm Well,
Emily 23:47
we have hogs? Oh,
Scott Benner 23:51
do tell me is this for bacon, other delicious things like that?
Emily 23:55
It is for bacon. Another delicious thing?
Scott Benner 23:58
Bacon. Let's think about bacon for a second, shall we?
Emily 24:02
I think it was wonderful.
Scott Benner 24:05
It really is. It really really is. So weak. So you, really so you farm like your farm just sustains hogs and nothing else.
Emily 24:15
We do hogs and then we do corn and soybeans,
Scott Benner 24:17
corn and soybeans. Interesting. So what do you do? What are you what are your responsibilities?
Emily 24:23
So we do farrow to finish on our hogs. So we we do breeding all the way to when they're grown ready to go to market. And so really on day to day, I'm out. I go probably outside by like eight o'clock, and I do chores. And then I also am the person who grinds feed most days. And then we do a lot of dry bedding for them to feel like they actually going to be outside and stuff. So that's most of what day to day is. Depending on the season.
Scott Benner 24:58
It's just keeping up with the hot And yeah, when you say grind feed, it's the is it the corn that you grow that you grind down? Yep, we do that. Yep. I like how you're like, yeah, that's normally what happens in the rest of us. Like, Wow, it's amazing. You grow corn and feed it to a pig Holy crap. You know, you just changed the episode title again. Really? Well, what is it going to be now this little piggy went the market. Tell me you've never said that as they were driving away.
Emily 25:27
We have made jokes about the bacon's going, that the little sausages are ready to go be to the market. So I mean, sometimes, like the little piglets will just be laying in a perfect little line with like their feet under them. And so I'll take a picture and send it to my family and just say it's cute little sausage link today.
Scott Benner 25:51
You know, when I was young, we used to say I smell bacon when we saw a cop. And then one day, then one day I grew up when I was a cop, and then it seemed uncomfortable. So let me ask you, I have a lot of questions about being type one on the farm. But first, I want to ask you about like, Do you get any connection to the animals? Is it hard to see them leave?
Emily 26:10
Not really, because I know, I don't know. They get to the point. I also have the understanding of like, they kind of feed our live and feed our people and that their timeframe of like when they go to market is really, it's quite long, really. But
Scott Benner 26:26
I don't know. Are you saying they get to live a good long time before we turn them into baking?
Emily 26:31
Up? Do you send them out? Yeah.
Scott Benner 26:32
I'll be honest with you 30 days, I'm almost ready to be vacant. Like I've done this enough. I'm good. It's really interesting. And how long has your family been doing that? Generation?
Emily 26:48
A longtime? Gen. Yeah, I think three or four generations now.
Scott Benner 26:53
So your grandfather worked a farm with type one diabetes, back in the like, early part of 1900s and 40s.
Emily 27:02
I don't actually know when he got it. I know my dad got it at 16. So the ABS and he's been working the farm, though his whole life too. So
Scott Benner 27:15
and without back then no pumping. I mean, but they were probably your grandfather's doing. He'd be lucky to be doing, you know, some of the first insolence still so and your father just ever talked about his type one?
Emily 27:28
Yeah, we talked. We talked about it a lot. We're both quite open. But we definitely have different management styles.
Scott Benner 27:36
How so what's different?
Emily 27:38
So I do. He's very old school about like, he doesn't like to run as low and just is more comfortable with higher numbers and everything. And is a lot about just not changing things and waiting to go to the endo and stuff like that. Whereas I think 90 is getting low. Where I'm like, Well, I mean, I have a few numbers that can go down before I actually need some to do something. So.
Scott Benner 28:08
So where do you think he keeps his blood sugar? Where is he comfortable? I mean,
Emily 28:13
a lot of days, he's around 150 I think what I see.
Scott Benner 28:19
But he incredibly, I imagine.
Emily 28:23
It depends on the day, honestly, because like, I guess even for me like a normal day. I go out to do chores, and I dip low and then just out walking around the whole cold day around now but like come harvest time. So in the fall, I sit in a tractor 75% of the day, so I have a lot of less activity. Okay. But then like in the spring, I'll work from eight o'clock in the morning to nine o'clock 10 o'clock at night. And so
Scott Benner 29:00
it's that's such a long day. Are you wealthy from that? Do they pay you a $2 million a year, Emily?
Emily 29:07
I mean, that would be great. But
Scott Benner 29:10
it's not what it pays. You just said you just said you were to 13 hour day and I was like, I would need $5 million every six months. Yeah. Well, so do you have How did you have time to meet a boy who's in college becoming an engineer if you're doing this the whole time?
Emily 29:30
My best friend. I always went to go see the marching band at the college where my best friend goes to school. So I just went out there to do that with her the one day and then we just randomly met.
Scott Benner 29:43
I don't know. Is he a band geek? Yes, yes. It was he wearing one of those big fuzzy hats when you met him. You broke up Emily. Emily's gone. She lives in a field. You guys heard Emily. He wasn't actually And Emily, you broke up. I'm sorry. Big fuzzy hat was the last thing I said that you heard. Can you hear me? Hello? Hello? I think one of the pigs she was. Yes, I can hear you. Okay. Good. Oh, so he does not have a hat with a feather in
Emily 30:15
band that he was not in band at that time. But he was there.
Scott Benner 30:19
I see. A band had is called a shake goes by the way. Really? Yeah. shakos
Emily 30:26
I was in band through all of high school. I never knew that. You never
Scott Benner 30:31
you never. You never shot goes to anything in high school. Oh,
Emily 30:35
no, but I did keep a juice box in my marching band had
Scott Benner 30:38
I thought you were gonna say in my tuba.
Emily 30:41
No, I was a flute. So I had no such luck with that.
Scott Benner 30:45
A flutist? Yes. Can you play the flute? Yeah, really? Like I mean,
Emily 30:51
I don't know if I can't anymore. I've been touched it in years, but I could. Okay,
Scott Benner 30:55
so I was gonna say like, I got a flute right now you could pick it up and play something. Please don't. I was just asking for good. Okay. Yeah,
Emily 31:04
no, I never prided myself on being good. I was very good. Second chair flute.
Scott Benner 31:10
But you So you did it in the orchestra and in the marching band?
Emily 31:15
Yeah. Well, you didn't have an option at our school. But yes,
Scott Benner 31:18
if you did one you did the other. They were giving you the flute you were coming through.
Emily 31:24
Yeah, I didn't flute for two years. And then I did Color Guard. So the flags for people that don't actually know, for the other two years, and I did like colorguard a lot more to do
Scott Benner 31:34
that for football? Not really not really. Alright, so you talked about some depression too. When did that happen?
Emily 31:44
Oh, that was definitely like later high school that just got a lot on my plate. Like I said, and I just I don't know, I always struggled with how I looked in that played a lot in how I viewed myself and how I carried myself.
Scott Benner 32:00
Okay, so can you explain that to me like so you said Body Dysmorphia earlier? Like, do you not appear the way you feel?
Emily 32:10
No. So, and I mean, I don't really care. I'll say the numbers. But I'm like five foot 10. And like 160 pounds. And so I'm definitely pretty thin, thinner. But I just feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm bigger than that. And it just is something I've always kind of struggled with and feeling comfortable with how I look.
Scott Benner 32:38
Is it? Is it your height that makes you feel like that? Do you think?
Emily 32:41
Not really, like I used to always be from celiac, I had a growth stunt. And so I was always like, the shortest one of my kid until I was probably a junior in high school. And then I finally actually grew. So I don't know if that may be played a part of it, too, that I was just having adjusted to how I changed so rapidly. I don't know.
Scott Benner 33:07
I mean, I'm sorry to do this, but I'm looking at a photo of you from two years ago. And you are tall and like slender. And pretty. And I know. And that's interesting. So you don't you don't feel that way. Not always, how do you feel when you don't feel that way?
Emily 33:27
I just get really hard on myself and judge every, like, I judge what I eat, and I judge how active I am and stuff like that, and then just kind of beat myself up over that.
Scott Benner 33:41
Where does that come from? Did somebody put that in your head? Like do like are you around family members who, like make comments about food or the way people look or anything like that?
Emily 33:53
I mean, my mom's maiden made comments. Never to me. It's just, I think, kind of how she holds herself accountable. But then also, I think that just kind of also affected me a little bit. I don't know, but I've always it's always been there. And I've always struggled with it. So I don't really no,
Scott Benner 34:13
this part of the conversation ruins any ability for me to mention the pigs or the hogs or anything like that. And the title of the episode. I hope you appreciate me that we've completely gotten away from that now. Do you see it? Do you see what I'm saying? You're like you're you are. Are you a very serious person. You cut out again, I'm sorry.
Emily 34:35
I mean, a little bit, but I don't know specifically, I
Scott Benner 34:38
guess. Right. But like, what am I asking? Am I not funny to you?
Emily 34:45
No, I just I don't know. You are it was funny.
Scott Benner 34:49
I mean, listen, it wasn't like falling down for me or anything like that. But there was a pause where I was like, oh, but But I I was I'm being serious. I wasn't joking, but I was I I think that some people would be upset if I referenced like hogs in in the title of the show or farm animals in general. And then 30 minutes into it. You talked about having body dysmorphia, I don't think I'd be able to like, I don't think people would be okay with that somebody wouldn't be okay with that. I don't think it's funny. I just, I thought it just struck me out of nowhere, just how I was like, oh, gosh, I guess I can't do that now. And then your response? I
Emily 35:23
never, I never would have connected those dots. Oh, okay.
Scott Benner 35:27
Maybe I'm overthinking it.
Emily 35:29
Honestly. I'm also just so used to pigs that I would just think straight about pigs and not think about that at all either, though. So.
Scott Benner 35:42
I don't want to be like too, like, philosophical because this is stupid, because they're pigs. But do you think there's anything about being around like, kind of? I mean, generally speaking on attractive, slovenly animals that makes you like, that puts you into a mindset? I know. That's ridiculous. But have you ever equated yourself to the animals in your own mind?
Emily 36:05
No. Okay.
Scott Benner 36:06
I mean, I wouldn't think I mean, I wouldn't think you would, I just I'm trying to figure out like, I guess it's hard to understand that, from an outside perspective, like not that I don't know that it happens, or that people don't struggle with it. I'm completely aware of that. But trying to understand it like you don't like, I mean, there's nothing about you visually, that would make me feel like, like, if I had to guess, who was at home feeling bad about how they look? It just wouldn't be you. I wouldn't think that. And I'm trying to figure out how, yeah, how it happens. And it's, you talked a little bit about depression, but not a lie, a little bit about anxiety, but not a lot. So I'm not sure like, you're like, you just kept saying, like, I have a lot on my plate. But I don't know what that means, like, you get overwhelmed when you have too much to do.
Emily 36:56
Yeah, I struggle with change a lot. And so just like, having a lot of things, the farm really takes up a lot of time. And so I feel like finding the balance of getting things I need to do done. Besides farm work and getting like things I want to do slash, like, having time to do my hobbies is just gets very overwhelming. And there's very few hours that I actually get to do those things. Because I work six, sometimes every day of the week. And it's just
Scott Benner 37:34
Okay, so I think we're getting to it now. So you, you have in every six of the seven days a week, you're working 13 hours. And this is not a job like that you can just turn to your boss and go, you know, I don't want to do this anymore. Because it's your family and you feel beholden to them, I would imagine. Okay,
Emily 37:56
yeah, def, definitely a little bit. And then it's just hard to actually, you know, get like time away, because my boyfriend lives goes to school four hours away. And so if I'm going, I want to actually go in like, I can't drive up there and drive back the next day. Yeah, because that's barely time to actually do anything. See him. And you're. Yeah. And so like, I forget that time off, but then I also have to work around like, what our farm schedule is, and if my parents are doing anything, because it's me and my dad on the farm, so
Scott Benner 38:33
the amount of money you get paid to work on the farm, would that be enough money to hire a different person?
Emily 38:37
Maybe, but there's really not a lot of people around here that wants to do the work. Gotcha. People like working a lot more with cows. And we have a lot older of facilities and a lot of other hog farmers too. So
Scott Benner 38:51
hard to get people to work because that was like, even if they could just hire somebody for a few days a month to offset your schedule. That may be because it feels like I mean it. Emily listen to you're 21 and I don't know you but it sounds like you feel like you're trapped. Yep. Okay. And, and not that it's even a bad thing. But that. I mean, here's what I'm thinking. I'm not saying that your family's business is a bad thing. I'm saying that you don't have options. Like maybe if you had options you would choose hog farming. I have no idea. I don't it's possible you don't even know either. But without options, there's no way to know and then it feels like the thing you're doing you're stuck doing my right about that.
Emily 39:36
Yeah, I would agree. I definitely feel like I was kind of just pushed into it and never really given a true because I've been working since I was 13 Probably I would. I never got a snow day from school because we had a snow day I would be working and so I definitely just kind of got pushed into it and it's just never stopped.
Scott Benner 39:57
And so and but your parents don't have much recourse either because it's hard to hire people for the reasons that you suggested and this business needs to happen or nobody gets anything. And we gotta buy insulin pumps, food and everything. Can't just eat bacon all day. I mean, you could for a day or two. Yeah, but then you'd have to eventually stop. Yeah, yep. Is the bacon better? Where you live than where I live?
Emily 40:23
I mean, I think we have very good bacon. You guys.
Scott Benner 40:28
Can I buy it? No, no, no. Okay. But you make do you make your own there?
Emily 40:35
We will we send our hogs to and we take a few to a local butcher, and then they do it. And then we get all of our own back.
Scott Benner 40:48
Why did you want to do this? Why did you want to come on?
Emily 40:50
I just feel like I don't. I have a very different story from a lot of people. And I like being able to share and just kind of get my input out.
Scott Benner 40:59
Yeah. I'm sorry. It feels like we're going through a lot of difficult things, but the ovarian insufficiency? Are you worried about not being able to have kids? Is that something you wanted to do?
Emily 41:11
I don't really No, at this point. I've never, for a long time. I didn't care didn't really want to. But it's and I've brought it up like with my partner before. And like he's aware of it. And he's very supportive and knows like, it's not really my father, anything they? They say it's like a 5% chance that I'll actually be able to. Okay, but no, no, it's not something on the forefront of my mind, at least at this point. Yeah. It's
Scott Benner 41:43
a tough thing to be faced with at your age, I would imagine because you're not thinking about having children. And now you're forced to think about what it would mean to not be able to have them at a time. Yeah, you don't I mean,
Emily 41:56
I remember sitting in the doctor's office, my mom's like, bawling. And I'm like, I don't. What's, what's the problem? Like, I don't know.
Scott Benner 42:05
Mom, I can't eat. I can't eat gluten. My thyroid doesn't work. I can make I can make
Emily 42:12
one more problem. And it's fine.
Scott Benner 42:16
Hey, Wouldn't it be funny if you left the farm, opened a bakery, had children and then forced them to work in the bakery?
Emily 42:26
You will do this
Scott Benner 42:33
I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing. Oh, you'll be like listen, you imagining your stories. You'll be like, Look, I had to grind feed for hogs. You'll just make the lemon drops and shut your mouth.
Emily 42:51
I want to work outside in the cold you at least get to be in the warm Yeah,
Scott Benner 42:55
go stand next to the oven. Warm yourself right up.
Emily 42:59
While you're in there, negative 20 here and it's not fun.
Scott Benner 43:02
While you're in there spin though she cakes. There's a lot of Dutch people's birthdays this weekend. So Pennsylvania Dutch, by the way, like that, like kind of like Mennonite Dutch like that thing?
Emily 43:15
No, no, no. Like, just Dutch descent from
Scott Benner 43:19
gotcha. I hear this is something. So if you have a question, it's gonna seem like it's out of left field. If you magically if I picked you up off your farm and put you somewhere and you had money and you had health insurance, all of a sudden, do you know how to manage your different issues, you are just somebody helped you with them. So you kind of cut out again, I didn't cut out I live in a metropolitan area with amazing internet access. Somewhere in the lines, what you were saying I cut out on the wire, they shouldn't do that. But in there are trying to escape because you look at them and you think they're sausages. So they have like a Bugs Bunny cartoon, you look down at them, and they're a little like wiggly. Alright, what I was saying was, this is a little out of left field, because it's not following along. But I'm interested. You're 21 you have I mean, a number of things you're dealing with, how well equipped are you to manage your own health? Like if you didn't live at home anymore? Would you be able to stay on top of all this?
Emily 44:24
No. Oh, yes. A year ago? No.
Scott Benner 44:28
How did you learn?
Emily 44:29
So when I was 19, I finished college. And so I had to switch from the pediatric endo to adult Endo. That was a very rough transition. And so the first few times I totally just, I definitely have an endo where change your basil and you'll be fine. Awesome. Not great. Thanks a lot. And so and then I just remember multiple times I would go and they would tell me eat less carbs. And so the first few times I just didn't really take it seriously. Yeah. And then one time, it just kind of stuck with me. And I was like, okay, whatever, I'll try it, I get you keep telling me this. And so I started eating less carbs slowly. And I don't really know the timeframe of when this was happening. But I just remember, I really just stopped eating carbs in general, not purposely, it's not like I was saying, Oh, I'm gonna try low carb and see what happens. I just, and then I got to the point where I got scared to take a large Bolus, so I was eating 20 carbs max at a meal. So I was taking like less than two units. And then I was seeing that my line was flattening. And so I was fell into a lot of over management, seeing that flatline at a lower number. Okay, and then I think I lost 30 pounds doing this, because I just wasn't eating. And then I got to the point where I want to eat a snack unless I was low. So I ran myself low often so that I would allow myself to eat a snack. And then I was in the midst of this when I actually met my boyfriend. And then that also kind of helped me because he could see like, what I was doing to myself, because I didn't realize I was doing these things. And so then I started my Endo, praise me because I was do having good numbers and everything. And it was just, it felt good to be praised. Because I didn't realize how much I was actually hurting myself. Because I remember, like I would, I would check, check my Dexcom every five minutes to see what was happening. And it was just, I got to the point where I didn't know how long I could continue doing that, because I was just burned out between managing that and everything else. And so then I actually, I started looking stuff up online. And that's actually how I found the podcast. And I'm not a huge podcast listener. But I think I started at like the pro tip. And just kind of jumped around and listened to a few. And then I found a lot followed some people on Instagram. And I found a coaching program that I was very unsure about, just because I didn't know if I wanted to pay that. Yeah. And so I ended up do, I did like a little trial of it. And it was a group of ladies. And they really do a wonderful job of like teaching you about your nutrition and so like your fat fiber protein, and just helping you to get your baselines and like your blood sugar on activity. And they had a really great section about like, your blood sugar and management around like your cycle. And it just really changed my life and was such a helpful thing that now I can actually function and manage without it taking up every moment of my day.
Scott Benner 48:26
Yeah, that's wonderful. I'm glad you found something that helped you. So to kind of recap, the doctor was pushed like, didn't like you're a one see, I guess or something. And then so that was like,
Emily 48:38
the crazy thing is my A one C was like 6.7 at that point.
Scott Benner 48:42
And so the doctor's advice was the Eat less carbs, which by the way, if they said that, you should have said it's actually fewer carbs, but that probably wouldn't have gotten anywhere. And so they tell you to eat fewer carbs. And then it just turns into like a like a cycle like you kind of spin out of control. Like you start limiting carbs. And then from there, you get scared about insulin. And now you're only eating when you're low and you lose weight. So it all feels like wow, this is going well. And it took another person to say hey, Emily, I don't think this is like good for you. Is that about right? Yep. Okay, yes. Then you went and found some better advice, and were able to put it into practice. I gotcha. So had you found these people, the coaching or whatever you found before the Doctor, do you think you would have avoided that?
Emily 49:33
Yeah. Because at that, before my doctor sent me down my little spiral, I was perfectly fine. I didn't I think I didn't manage as well as I could have. But I was managing fine. And before I did that, like I didn't really understand Basal carb ratio or anything. I didn't know how they all mattered, and I didn't know what they did because I had this since I was five everybody had been doing ever I think for me, and nobody really took the time to inform me about what does what?
Scott Benner 50:06
Don't you think that they don't? Did they really know either? Like, don't you think somebody set it up for them, then they had the same struggle that you probably had, then years later. And then we found some sort of a, I don't know, some sort of a rhythm that kept your a one C under seven surveys like, well, this is fine. And then you just go about your day and rinse and repeat over and over again, keep doing the same things and you're not doing anything. Like purposefully. It's just, you don't I mean, you just get stuck doing something. And it's kind of working. And it's good enough. And that's that.
Emily 50:37
Yeah, yeah.
Scott Benner 50:41
Well, that's depressing. Sorry. It really is. Yeah, yeah.
Emily 50:46
Well, I was I'm on control IQ. And so my doctor always hated the fact that my pump would suspend during the day. But I was like, Well, it's because my activity is constantly changing through the day, I don't need to lower my Basal because that one day, I just work a lot more that and like, now I'm comfortable with changing them on my own. And so I know like, this is right for when I'm not being super active. So I just need to work around being why I'm being active.
Scott Benner 51:20
So your doctor didn't like that the control like he was doing what it was supposed to do.
Emily 51:24
Yeah, it said it was suspending too much
Scott Benner 51:27
too much. So he wanted you to have more insulin.
Emily 51:30
You wanted to lower my Basal, because it had suspending too much. But I wasn't it was suspending to keep me and I wasn't, but I actually wasn't like getting low.
Scott Benner 51:41
Yeah. I think it's possible. Your doctor didn't understand how that algorithm worked? Potentially? Yeah. Do you understand it better now?
Emily 51:51
Yes, yeah. I in it. For a long time, I was just trying to run myself under the 112. And so I get frustrated at it. But now, knowing that it like strives to be at the 112 Warren, I can actually get around it more. And for a while, I was terrified to take it out of control IQ. Because I didn't know if any of my stuff was right. Yeah. And so I didn't know what would happen if I actually like took it out and had it in manual mode. And but now I'm totally comfortable. Have some days, I'll just run it in manual and flip it over at night, just because I do like the fact that I can change things overnight. And you
Scott Benner 52:33
can do that now because you know your settings are are pretty tight. Yes. And you know how to Bolus for your food. Okay. Did you ever think of having it of that time as being an eating disorder? Or just you got a little confused for a while and you pulled yourself out of it?
Emily 52:49
At the time? I No, I did not at all think that it was an eating disorder. But now looking back it definitely was. I just didn't
Scott Benner 52:56
know it. I see. Oh, Emily, you've been through a lot. Seriously, and on top of that, you drive a tractor. That sounds like bouncy. And that must be unpleasant on your back. Am I right? I mean, driving tractors is fun. It's fun. For nine hours a day.
Emily 53:15
I mean, I do have a very fancy tractor, I will say. So. I mean, it has Bluetooth, and it has a massaging seat.
Scott Benner 53:26
Get out of here. Are you serious with a cooler? Wow,
Emily 53:30
I'm serious. It has a cooler it has a massaging seat. And it has like suspension. So the cab barely moves. You just has auto steer. So I just sit there wait like a
Scott Benner 53:41
Tesla. Like he just keeps it in the lane kind of thing. Yeah,
Emily 53:44
I marked that. I'm where I am. And then it just drives straight until I have to turn around. Yeah,
Scott Benner 53:51
I almost cursed Emily. That's amazing. And you finally named the episode something that can use fancy tractor. Emily's fancy tractor. Maybe that's an icon. That'll be nice. Okay,
Emily 54:05
I do call it my tractor because I feel like I drive it the most out of everybody so
Scott Benner 54:10
Fair's fair. I imagine that you had to drive the tractor to visit your boyfriend. And that's why it took four hours to get to him.
Emily 54:16
No, it just takes four hours to get to him. That's an four hours on the interstate.
Scott Benner 54:21
I was gonna say it takes four hours to get everywhere, doesn't it?
Emily 54:23
I mean, the nearest big city is like 45 minutes. So it could be worse. To get to a target after drive, 45 minutes,
Scott Benner 54:34
you have to drive 40 There are times I go to Target and I walk in and I'm like, Why did I come here? Then I walk out again. I'm so irritated. It took five minutes and I'm pissed about it. If I drove 45 minutes and got to a target. I'd I'd be out of my mind. I'd be out of my mind.
Emily 54:50
I have to drive 15 minutes to go somewhere to get groceries. Yeah.
Scott Benner 54:57
You're describing a hellscape to me. Are there Are there tornadoes? Where your? Yes, like Twister, like the movie where the cows fly like that.
Emily 55:07
I mean, we did have a tornado come through a few years ago that ripped the roof off one of our buildings. Yeah.
Scott Benner 55:15
Did you say rough? Say it again? The thing on top of the buildings called what? Emily, you keep cutting out? Did dusk get in the way of the signal for the Wi Fi this time? What happened? Hello, this poor girl. The Bluetooth on the tractor is interfering. Hello? Emily, you back? She's kind of there. And she's kind of not Emily densidad today it is. Hey, I'm sorry. I was doing the music from the Wizard of Oz. And I was using that maybe the Bluetooth from the tractor interfered with your Wi Fi while you were gone. You were gone for so long. I don't remember what I was gonna ask you. How do you how do you how do you feel about your life? Are you hopeful?
Emily 56:04
I would say yes. I I look forward to what's going to come in the next few years because I feel like I'm at a point in my life now where stuffs gonna start changing. And I'm not going to be in as much of a same place every day.
Scott Benner 56:22
Yeah, so you think you'll move out and go somewhere? Where the bakery idea is possible or working in the bakery as possible. Emily? Yes. Did you hear me?
Emily 56:40
I can hear you now.
Scott Benner 56:41
Okay. Do you think that you'll actually go work in a bakery? And, and that you'll move away from home?
Emily 56:48
Um, I'm probably going to move away. I I do like that. I have my own little home bakery. And because like right now I just do buy individual orders for people. I mean, I would love to one day have like a little coffee shop bakery that also sells books, but
Scott Benner 57:08
Gotcha. Let's see bacon, by the way, because I know you can get wholesale really good prices. Also cookies and bacon would be amazing. Can you imagine? If I ordered have done that before? Yeah, like if I ordered from you online and I got like a small tin of cookies. Like a half a pound of what we'll call artisan bacon. We'll dress it up by calling it artisan or something like that charge people like $20 for a half plan. Oh my God. And the yuppies are buying up Emily? The love it. The vegan got this bacon from a farm. It's it comes by Oh, they would eat it up. Eat it up. You talk to me. We'll get you the website. Be on your way. What we call what we call the alright, but we call the business.
Emily 57:56
I mean, my current business is takers kitchen by Emily kickers kitchen. Because my dad. Yeah, because my dad gave me the nickname takers before I ever started baking.
Scott Benner 58:06
I like that. That's lovely. Do you you don't sell online, though? Is that right? Just locally?
Emily 58:12
No, not I'm not legally allowed to actually sell things and ship them. So
Scott Benner 58:19
I wonder how many people aren't legally allowed to do what they're doing right now. I'm like,
Emily 58:24
I also don't want to get sued by the state. So
Scott Benner 58:27
Oh, I see. Because you I get what you're saying. Right? You would never do. Gotcha. I hear state
Emily 58:34
has a lot of rules that are annoying.
Scott Benner 58:37
The state might want to work on getting Wi Fi to people that get us on the internet so we can live like the rest of the world understand things. Right, right. See photos and news and interesting things. I'm going to ask you when we're done recording in a second what state you're in, because I am interested. But I don't want Oh, actually, you could just tell me now I'll bleep it out. Where are you at? I say okay.
Speaker 1 59:00
All right. I just once heard that there was a huge diabetes population at at the college. In which one that I mean, is there only one really, right, the big one? I'm trying not to say where you live. Like I'm trying not to make too many edits. But apparently there's like a huge population there.
Emily 59:19
I'm not really by college, I'd say no.
Scott Benner 59:21
Okay, gotcha. All right. Emily, listen, your signal is worsening by the second. So we're going to wrap this up. Is there anything that I haven't asked you that you wanted to say?
Emily 59:32
I don't believe so. I think that was we did okay. kind of covered all the bases. Yeah.
Scott Benner 59:36
You feel good about this? I think we did. Okay. All right. I thought you did turn Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, especially since you apparently have on Mars. So I thought you did really well. I feel like the moon landing had better like radio signals than you have where you live. Can you just say one small step from man, one giant leap for mankind for me rock.
Emily 1:00:03
So one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
Scott Benner 1:00:07
Right now it works. All right. Well, Emily, I really appreciate you doing this with me. Thank you very much. Hold on one second for me, okay
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#1035 Comparison and Blame
Erika and Scott enjoy a thought excercise about blame and comparison and then the conversation grows from there.
Erika is a licensed marriage and family therapist who herself has had Type 1 diabetes for over 30 years and who specializes in working with people with diabetes and their families and caregivers—from those newly diagnosed to those experiencing it for decades.
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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.
Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 1035 of the Juicebox Podcast.
I found myself wondering recently why it's such a human thing to compare stuff compare things we have or things we want or why we compare people. And why do we have to blame things? Like Why Does something have to be at fault? These are kind of two disconnected but in my mind connected ideas, I wanted to talk more about them. So I brought Erica Forsythe in to have that conversation. If you get done and you're like, oh, Erica is delightful. I'm gonna look into her services, you can check her out at Erica forsythe.com. While you're listening today, please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming bold with insulin. If you're looking for support with your diabetes, check out the Juicebox Podcast private Facebook group Juicebox Podcast type one diabetes. If you'd like to get 40% off of all your cozy items, go to cozy earth.com and use the offer code juice box at checkout. And you will in fact save 40% off of your entire order.
The podcast is sponsored today by better help better help is the world's largest therapy service and is 100% online. With better help, you can tap into a network of over 25,000 licensed and experienced therapists who can help you with a wide range of issues. Better help.com forward slash juicebox. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your needs and preferences in therapy. That way BetterHelp can match you with the right therapist from their network. And when you use my link, you'll save 10% On your first month of therapy. You can message your therapist at any time and schedule live sessions when it's convenient for you. Talk to them however you feel comfortable text chat phone or video call. If your therapist isn't the right fit, for any reason at all. You can switch to a new therapist at no additional charge. And the best part for me is that with better help you get the same professionalism and quality you expect from in office therapy. But with a therapist who is custom picked for you, and you're gonna get more scheduling flexibility, and a more affordable price. Better help.com forward slash juicebox that's better help h e l p.com. Forward slash juicebox. Erica, how are you?
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 2:49
I'm doing well. Thanks. How are you? Friday? Friday? Yes,
Scott Benner 2:54
I just recorded with Jenny an hour ago. And I told her I'm going to get my toe look that and I'm going to be able to take a shower without a big plastic bag on my foot. So I'm super excited.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 3:05
Yes, oh my goodness, I don't even know. I had
Scott Benner 3:08
a toe surgery. And I so I have I'm wearing this giant. I mean, it's a foot condom. I don't know another way to put it. But it I have to wear it every time I get in the shower. And for the last three days. I'm like this thing is healed. I definitely don't need to keep this off of water. But I told the guy would till Friday, so I kept doing it. But anyway, tomorrow's shower is going to be include my fulfill.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 3:31
So good. Yes. So
Scott Benner 3:33
the people won't know. But we were supposed to start recording a series today. But instead of doing that I kind of jammed in another idea first to get to get ahead of it. I am fascinated and want to know more about why people compare things, and why they need to place blame on things. And I I've been watching it for so long now. Running that Facebook group gives me a really good insight into like, people and how they react to things. And I just want to talk about it. So I don't know a lot about it at all. I just know what I see. But I'd love for you to explain it a little bit to me, please.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 4:16
Sure. So I think it's interesting that you said why do people compare things and blame things? And I would maybe insert that why do people compare themselves or ourselves with one another or blame ourselves? But maybe I want to clarify are you thinking about it in that perspective? Or? Yeah, maybe in general, so
Scott Benner 4:37
I think yes. What do I want to say? Okay, so I guess like some like let's start with a couple of examples. Why do I see so many conversations that want to say that type one diabetes is worse than having type Have two diabetes. There's, there's a clear example of that. It feels like at times, there's a need to make sure people understand that I have the worst kind of diabetes. Why is that?
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 5:18
So I would say first and foremost, that might be how you were informed, or educated when you were diagnosed. I think, personally, 33 years ago, when I was diagnosed, I remember that language that like the type one was the harder diagnosis to have, and more life threatening. And consequently, that is a harder one to manage. I think now, I know we've we've talked about this before. Why do we do that? Now when we know that both are challenging? No one is really quote, to blame. But I think we use you know, thinking about the comparison, the social comparison, there's actually a theory that we we do this, humans do this naturally. Sometimes to make ourselves feel better. Sometimes we do it without even knowing it. And we make ourselves feel worse. But it's kind of like a it's a natural human phenomenon that we are comparing ourselves to others. And it can be a positive, right? We can do that positively and make ourselves want to get better, feel better, do better, or we can do it and make ourselves feel worse. But I think the example about the type one versus type two, I have the harder one. And in fact, just recently I was talking with somebody is not not in my practice with a call a friend. And I shared with her I had type one. And she said, Oh, I have type two. I know it's not as bad. She She offered that up to me. I say Oh, no. Like they're they're both challenging and really hard to live with. Yeah. I know. It's interesting
Scott Benner 7:07
that in that, see, that fascinates me, like, what is the need, right then in there? To let cuz she What is she doing? She's telling you? I'm not saying I have it as bad as you do. Right? Like she Yes. And yes. So that was meant kindly. Like, I know, you have a thing that's worse than me. I'm not going to challenge you about it. But But I don't understand why the brain goes to that right away. So I understand comparing for like, listen, I did it earlier today. Earlier today, I pulled up the top 20 list of podcasts in the medicine category. And I was sitting in 13th. Me a guy who makes a podcast completely by himself. And I'm looking at 13, like corporations ahead of me, like big name people with like staffs and money and like, you know, that kind of thing. And I should look at that and think, wow, look at that. I'm hanging, you know what I mean? And I do, but then the next thought is, how do I get there? How do I move up? But I'm not torturing myself about it. I actually think the podcast is good enough that it could reach enough people that we could like, float up in that top five and six. Right. So that's a comparison that I use to motivate myself. Yes, right. Yes. Right. I'm not trying to make myself feel badly. I did not feel badly when it was over. I'm absolutely happy to be 13. It's amazing. You know what I mean? So I get that I get, I get even being trying to get on a sports team and picking the person who's starting, and you're not starting and saying what is that person doing that I'm not doing? I think that's all very healthy, to be perfectly honest. And I think that part of the reason the podcast works for people is because I've chosen to, I've chosen to say, this is how we do it. Here's the success we have, I think you could do that too. Right? It's not, I'm not thumbing my nose at people and going ha ha ha my kids, they wouldn't see as this like, right. But but there, but there are people that do that. So I get that, I guess, like I understand. But But what do I mean here? It's different mindsets that read it differently, right? So if I can do that thing and say, Hey, listen, here's here's the way it works for us. I hope you can do it too. And there are plenty of people who come along and go I love that. I love that it's helpful. I love that it's giving example I'm going to strive for that. But there are also people who come and see that and go Why are you rubbing it in my face? Like that's their first their first thought? Like, like they think I'm comparing myself to them when I'm not like so why does some people read it as hopeful and other people read it as like an fu
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 9:58
I think It's challenging to introduce big generalizations, but I think it goes back to maybe, what is your concept of just in life around your sense of blame versus taking responsibility? Are you expecting? Perfect perfection? Are you? And if you aren't perfect, where do you go? In your mind? Are you blaming yourself and shaming yourself? Are you saying, Oh, I, I messed up here, I can take some responsibility in that area. But I'm not perfect across the board. You know, understanding that we aren't, we aren't perfect, and we are human. And being kind and compassionate to yourself, I imagine maybe people who might look at in your example of look at how to, you know, manage your type one well, and feel like you're rubbing their being, you know, you're rubbing in their face. Are they then feeling like? They're, they're shameful and blaming themselves, if they can't do it, as opposed to oh, well, maybe I can I can learn and I'm not quite there yet. I'm never going to achieve perfection, but I'm gonna make mistakes. And I can I'm okay.
Scott Benner 11:11
So their life experience informs their response, whether they know it or not. So if you grew up with a parent who was always telling you, you're not good enough, for example, or you failed a lot in your life, something like that. And then you see somebody doing what you consider to be better than you. I'm making air quotes, again, then you look at that and say, Well, I can't do this, or I don't need to be told that I'm not doing well enough. That makes sense.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 11:37
Yes. So somewhere along the lines of this, you could have been, I mean, it is common, if you've been exposed to various forms of abuse or neglect as a child, or did not have the proper encouragement and affirmation, that you are good enough. Oftentimes, someone's mindset is, I'm not good enough. I'm never going to be good enough. And no matter how hard I tried, I try, I'm always going to feel this way. And so it's easier. That's painful, but it's an it's an automatic response, when you see someone doing better than you disable, they're just, they're just being they're flaunting it. And I'm never going to be able to achieve that I'm never good enough. So they're kind of maybe stuck a little bit in that blame, and shame mentality. It's, it's painful.
Scott Benner 12:32
Yeah. And that's really, to me, that's the sadness of it is that somebody could feel like, I don't know how to put this, your life, whatever your life is, is fantastic. If you let it be, and by let it be, I mean, if you accept that this is who I am, or what I am or where I am, or whatever. And that's terrific. If you think that's true, it is true. If you stop comparing yourself to things that are unattainable for you. Right? Like, it's, it's different for me to say I have a fairly popular podcast, and I think I could make it more popular. That's reasonable. But I couldn't look at Idris Elba and say to myself, I really need to look that handsome. And then I'm going to be okay, because I look the way I look. And this is all I have, like, right? I can't make a change to that. So that to me is that's terrible to think that there are people living what they think are unfulfilled lives, when really the only thing that needs to change? Is their definition of good or success or happy or like, right, like, if you is that the idea? Like you can be happy anywhere? If you're? I don't know, do you know what I mean? Like I'm not saying like if I lived on the side of a mountain in Nepal, and I didn't have a code that I could be happy I probably could not be. But like, you know, like, reasonably speaking. It's your own expectation that's crushing. Your ability to enjoy what you have is how it feels to me. I don't know if that's right or not.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 14:05
And well, the expectation, that mindset, which is, you know, developed over time and evolved over time through all of your, you know, your, your family of origin, your life experiences. And I think thinking about how kind are you to yourself, have you learned that skill set to say, Gosh, I really excelled in this area, and that's amazing, but I failed in this area, but you know what, that's part of human nature. And we all fail and we all suffer we all have pain and to not get stuck in that. That you know, the thought on repeat of. I'm never going to be good enough if that's a hard thing for people to do to just hold that thought of like cache failed and that oops, like, Yeah, that's probably it, I'm gonna be kind of myself and move on that that piece is really hard to have that awareness of the thought, and then move on,
Scott Benner 15:11
right? It's sort of the idea of that, um, I forget what the number is. But they say like, every person who's achieved a millionaire status has probably gone bankrupt a number of times, on their way to it like that, trying to give people the idea that like, you can't get to it right away the first time. And I do think that that's, um, there's a saying around this that I just heard again, recently, I'm not going to remember it, but that you what you don't see about an overnight success is the 10 years of work that somebody put into it, right. And so you see somebody pop up, out of nowhere, and you think, oh, I should be able to sing a song on Tik Tok, and blah, blah, blah, you know, this all should happen to me after that. But that's not the case. Like, that's not how it happened. You're seeing the one example of that of the person who actually made it all the way. And it you can't, you can't make that happen. It just, you can, you have to, like I don't know, like, in my mind, Erica, forget telling people what to do. I think life is short. And that you should try to be happy. You know, and I get why you can't, at times, but then if you're hitting one of those roadblocks, you should, in my opinion, you should focus on how to get around that roadblock. Instead of just running into it starting over running into it starting over over and over again, like think like, obviously, what I'm trying to do is being blocked by another part of my psyche. Like, I have to fix that thing, or understand it or whatever, so that I can keep moving on my journey and try to get to this place I'm trying to get because I think I don't know if I brought this up with you or not. But this is gonna sound like a bummer for a second. I don't mean, this is a bummer. The end of my mom's life taught me that a lot of being alive is setting goals, achieving goals, and resetting goals. And that once those carrots are gone off those sticks, it's kind of difficult to find a reason to get up in the morning, if that makes sense. Like Like, once it all feels gone. Like I'm not going anywhere. What am I doing? And I don't know if that's kind of like the worker bee mentality that's born into like living things or not. But you know, if you need something to do, and I don't know, and you can't always be focused. You can't just be focused out a mile. Some of it has to be now if think about now today, with a longer goal, I think, if that makes sense or not. I also don't know if there's a question there. So good luck talking now,
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 17:50
I think will be the goal setting moving forward in life. That might be easier for some than others. For example, if you have a perfectionistic mindset, or that you feel like you are in control of things you could you could get stuck and not wanting to move forward or evolve or try new things. Because what if you fail? What if you don't get it right the first time, then where does the blame go? You goes right back on yourself, you're gonna say, Well, gosh, I see, look, I tried and I failed. I'm not going to try again. Because look what happens every time?
Scott Benner 18:31
Well, then use that comparison thing and compare yourself to somebody doing worse than you and you'll feel terrific. That's all.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 18:40
Well, you know, they say, you know that I think both as we said in the beginning, you know, comparing quote up versus comparing down, that there's maybe a little bit that can be healthy or helpful maybe is a better word, to a certain extent. But then it could also become a trap, right? Like we talked about the social media highlight reels if you're constantly trying to find self worth, by looking at your friends or friends of friends, social media reels, and saying, Well, I'm never going to be able to travel there or achieve that agency or get invited to these parties. You're going to feel you're constantly comparing up and that you're never good enough and you're never going to achieve or you could say gosh, look they're they're doing these things and maybe somehow I can change a little bit in my life and get there or comparing down. Which I know that gets controversial even saying that phrase of like comparing down to say like, wow, look at that person's thing or house or dress so I look way better
Scott Benner 19:46
the value there. But by the way, psychological cycle Psychology Today believes there's value in that the or can be valuable in comparing them to give yourself a boost. But I guess then the concern would be if I'm just going to try to paint I really hamfisted picture if I'm a homeless, drug addicted person, and then there's a homeless person who's not drug addicted. If I go, Oh, well, I might be homeless, but at least I'm not using heroin, that is not going to propel you out of your situation, it could make you feel falsely comfortable in a situation you don't really want to be in. Is that fair? That's fair.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 20:19
And I think to do it, every now and again, is fine. But again, going back to that, if that's your only source of finding, self worth or value by looking at other people's lives and saying, well, at least I'm not there. That that then maybe is an inauthentic place of of satisfaction, right? Yeah.
Scott Benner 20:45
So if it's a if it's a human instinct to compare ourselves, and you can get stuck in any number of these scenarios that we've painted, if you find yourself in that, how do you break free of it? Is there I mean, if I came in the office and said this to you like, what would you say to me?
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 21:04
Well, it would it would be more than a one session quick fix? To be totally honest, I think it would, we would first start in just practicing the awareness of how often do you find yourself comparing? Is it? Is it all day long? Are you scrolling, thinking about what you don't have or what you have? And trying to gain that sense of self value or worth? So practicing the awareness around? How frequently are you doing that? And then, and then working through that? You know, I think a lot of people say, Well, if you just had higher self esteem, you know, there was a big push in the psychological world, that we just, we all need more self esteem. And then more recently, in the last, like, 10 years, it's been more about self compassion. And so we would look at that, are you if you're feeling like, you need more self esteem already in that space, you're judging yourself for not having self esteem, right? And saying, Gosh, I don't think I don't think well of myself. And you can get trapped in that. So we would then look at, you know, how, how are you offering kindness to yourself in areas where you excel in areas where you struggle, and oftentimes, that's where we spend a lot of time is looking at that self compassion piece?
Scott Benner 22:29
Am I off base by saying that it would be valuable to want what you have? Like, a? How do I mean this?
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 22:38
I grew up having gratitude, you said is,
Scott Benner 22:41
I just I mean, I think what I mean is, like, not looking at something, and always thinking, Yeah, well, this is what I've achieved, but I want that thing. Like, if you want what you have, you can be happy with what you have, if you're always wanting something you don't have, then you're always going to be dissatisfied with yourself. And then I could see where the self esteem could spiral and and then by the way, I see what you're saying about the falsely propping people up with the like, you're terrific when you're not terrific, right? Like, right, like, why not just say hey, you're really good. Like, why? Why? Cuz I think you I don't see how that could work. Because if you tell me something about myself that I know is not true. I'm not going to believe it in my mind. To get made feel nice, like for a second. But, you know, if somebody walks up to me goes, oh my god, you're so tall. I'm gonna go thank you and then walk right and go, I am not tall, like like, right? But but if I wander around thinking I'm tall all the time. I think that's a disservice. Like, whereas I could just think this is how tall I am. That's great. Like, who cares? I don't need to be taller than this. I don't know if that makes sense.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 23:49
But what I feel like what that is kind of practicing mindfulness and acceptance of the truth and of the of whatever your thought is, you know, being comfortable with having uncomfortable feelings or not that you're saying you're uncomfortable about your height,
Scott Benner 24:10
but what I am I want to be taller. Like if you if you pin me down ugly Scott, were you out on your height? I'd say got more inches be terrific. Like, but it's not ruining my life. Do you know what I mean?
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 24:25
Right? So you've accepted that okay, let's just this is like a physical trait. You've accepted your height fine, you're okay with that. And so thinking about like a feeling and emotion that maybe feels uncomfortable when you are able to hold that uncomfortable feeling. You are then in turn telling your mind your soul, your heart, your body, that you are okay, just exactly as you are. And it doesn't mean then you're gonna go stew and feeling sad or rejected because you didn't Get the job, or disappointed because your agency is lower, you're just able to say, Gosh, I am feeling really frustrated, maybe even depressed. And I'm going to just hold this I'm going to be comfortable being uncomfortable. And then and then that it's moving on. But the minute we say, oh, no, I can't I can't feel that way. I can't accept how tall I am. I can't accept that I was rejected, then we get stuck there.
Scott Benner 25:27
Are there some people that want themselves or their situation to be not just comfortable for themselves are happier, it's something they're happy with. They want it to be something that everyone would universally agree on. Like, you only mean like, which is a weird thing to me, because some of the prettiest people are not classically pretty. Do you know what I mean? Like and so why, like, why are you trying to look like a angular job blonde model from the 70s? If, first of all, that's not everybody's thought about why I think that's what you think is that where they say, like magazine covers need to be representative is oh, that I'm saying it now. Okay? Because otherwise, if we mark it over and over again, this is what pretty is, then that's the thing that I judge you guys, okay, I'm starting understand. But But what you don't know is what's in most people's heads. And I'm gonna make an incredibly weird comparison here for a second, it's gonna make you uncomfortable. It's making me uncomfortable to bring it up. But it makes the point it makes the point really, really well go to any porn site, okay? And there are dozens of genres that people love. And they're not at all what you would think of as classically, whatever. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, there's like, there's a person out there for you, no matter who you are. And I don't, I don't think people believe that. Like, I understand, like, but I understand why that would be difficult to believe. But that's just the truth. There's, I asked my wife sometimes, like, um, we did this game the other day, with a bunch of famous people. I can't believe I'm gonna tell you, we did this. So we pulled up a list of like, the what we googled most attractive, blah, blah, blah. And we went through it, we were like, I don't really see it with that person. Or yeah, that and what it shows you is, is that, like, my particular interest, doesn't lend itself to the fifth person on the most attractive list. Like when my wife went when my daughter said to me, who do you when you think of a famous person who's really pretty, who do you think of? And I was like, Kate Winslet. And my daughter grows, really? And I'm like, yeah, no, Kate Winslet and, and she's like, why am I I don't know, like, that's who pops into my head? Or, you know, some guys are looking for? I don't know, big butts. And some women are looking for really skinny dorky looking guys. And like, why are we so trying to look like Linda Evangelia Lisa, like, they don't mean like that. There's a name I just randomly picked out of my Yeah. I really just with that one out. But she's a person who in my mind, is classically beautiful, like, but I don't think she's particularly attractive. So like, Why are we always trying to be the thing? If we know that's not true? Because we have those feelings to, like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm walking around, knowing that I don't find classically beautiful women to be perfect. But yet, I want myself to be classically perfect. Because when they when Arden said like, Who do you want to look like, if you could look like anybody else? Like, Oh, George Clooney? Like, that's easy, right? And Arden goes, I don't think George Clooney is attractive. And I think that interesting. Yeah. And I think this game makes you should all play this game with yourself. I think it would teach you a lot in the past half an hour in the kitchen pretty nicely. So but, but I That's my confusion, like, Why do I know that I don't think Classic is classic. But yet, when I went when somebody asked me what I wanted to look like, I should have said me, and I should I said George Clooney. All right. I don't understand.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 29:17
So Well, I think also let's acknowledge your, your brain is developed, more so than you know the teenage brain. And so when when teenagers young children are exposed over and over and over again, you know, in our in our day, it was me magazine covers, but now on social media. They are exposed and that and by advertising, this is beauty. So even if and I hear what you're saying that you your sense, and how you define beauty is different than your daughter's or attractiveness or good looking Enos but yeah, We are trained to believe what what beauty should look like. And when you're younger, you're, that's, you absorb that. And so that's what leads oftentimes to destructive behaviors and destructive thinking. Because we're not, we don't look that way or own that thing or do that thing.
Scott Benner 30:19
So to move it away from looks, and why do I see so many people comparing how they eat to how other people eat. And I don't just mean in the diabetes space. I mean, this is if you want to start a fight in two seconds, it's catnip to say that the best way to eat is this, and then people will come in and compare and contrast and you don't understand about protein and you don't understand about fat and you don't understand about carbs, oh my God, and then I eat the best way. And none of the what you're doing is wrong. These are like this happens constantly. Like why would I? I almost cursed, I'm gonna curse. Why do I give how anybody else eats? Like, I don't understand. Why does that matter? Hey, guys, just jumping in to remind you that one of our sponsors better help is offering 10% off your first month of therapy, when you use my link, better help.com forward slash juice box. That's better. H e l p.com. Forward slash juice box. Better help is the world's largest therapy service. It is 100% online boasts over 25,000 licensed and experienced therapists. And you can talk to them however you want text chat phone or on video, you can actually message your therapist at any time and schedule live sessions when it's convenient for you. Better help.com forward slash juice box save 10% On your first month.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 31:44
The first thing that comes to mind is it's feel similar to religion, maybe and how people have belief systems, they have value system images, or maybe value systems. And you when you discover your truth, and whether it's your religion, or your value system or belief system, you want to share and quote proselytize to others. And so I wonder if it begins that way of like, wow, I discovered this way of eating, and I feel so good. And I've lost X amount of weight or I feel I have so much energy, and you want to share and maybe it's exciting. But then I know it quickly can evolve into criticism and, and really cruel type of commentary. Yeah, that I found the way and you haven't I'm not? Do you find that people get there go there first, or it becomes like, Oh, this is so exciting. Yeah.
Scott Benner 32:46
So I get to watch a lot of conversation. And they are all going to go the exact same way. There's, there's, I could, I could probably look at a post and take a magic marker and go, okay, this person brought up food today, because they just found a great way and they want to they share it with somebody, you can tell in their tone, the wording right away, say, a similar poster come up from somebody who like this person is here, because they got just a little crazy in their head. And they think it's their job to tell the whole world this thing. So those are the two different, like ways that can change points. The third entry point is when someone comes up and says, Hey, I have a question, what do you think I should do? So there's either the person who's like going to change the world, there's the person who's just excited to talk. And there's the person who doesn't know and is looking for input from people, no matter how they start. They're always going to end the same way. Now the one that starts with let me tell you, that is met with resistance more quickly. So but it's also met with more support. So the other let me tell you, people will come in and start going yay, Yeah, that guy knows he knows we're together solidarity. But then the people who feel like they don't want to be talked to like that, or B have a different idea. They're going to attack back based on the way the first person came into the story. That makes sense. Yes. And then that fight happens. Now the person who comes in and says, Hey, I've been doing this, and it's really been working for me. They're going to be met by somebody who says, Well, I do this and it works for me. Then someone's going to come in to defend the first person, then someone's going to come in to defend the second person, and then it turns to the same goddamn conversation from the first. And then the same thing happens if someone's just like, hey, I'm newly diagnosed, and I was wondering, here's an interesting one. My kids getting sick and tired of cheese sticks and jello. I need more free foods that will be met by lovely parents who We'll come in and give other options for low carb snacks. But inside of eight minutes, someone's going to come to tell them, there's no such thing as a free food. Which is true. They don't know that because they were just diagnosed, okay? But instead of just saying they don't mean free, they mean their understanding of free and saying to them, Hey, I know you're calling that a free food, but just heads up. You know, your kid might be honeymooning right now you're you might be seeing a doctor who's over baseline you to cover for your snacking, like that kind of stuff. But there's pretty much carbs and almost everything. And even something for example, like chicken that doesn't have carbs in it will be stored by your body as glucose later, and you'll see a rise later, right? You could say that. But instead, what they say is, there's no such thing as free foods, which is true, but not going to move the conversation along. So that's an interesting thing that people do too, is they'll come in and drop their truth bomb, but not add any context. Those people I always think are trying to search. That's how it seems to me. Like that's, that's kind of actually that's the phrase I use. I think there's sorry, here's what I think. Right? Like they,
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 36:17
yes, maybe, maybe, maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally. But I also wonder if you have this experience of, you know, there is such a huge learning curve in type one. And I would in the beginning, everything is so overwhelming, and you don't know what's what. And then one year in five years, in 10 years, and you start to learn more, and I wonder if you also have a sense of like, Oh, I've learned this, I know this 100% I feel pretty good about myself. But we forget that how our tone is going to
Scott Benner 36:50
Yeah, the communication. Yeah, communication, lets them download. Listen, I was put in a unique situation where I had to talk to people online for years, and it becomes obvious that you're like, there is a way to speak to people, that is not condescending, and it is not fake. But it doesn't make anybody upset. It's an A, you have to come from a like a real, honest point of view. And I still have a point of view, people know that I'm not like, I'm not milk toast, you know what I mean? But at the same time, there's a way to talk to people where you don't rile them up. And there's also a way to see that someone's already riled up beforehand. And then they start blaming each other. You're the reason that people would diabetes. It's people like you, it statements like that, like, that's, you're ruining the world, I figured out the great world, and you're ruining it. And then there's this feeling, I'm always amazed by people on their social media, or in these situations. They feel like they're talking to the whole world. I'm like, you're talking to hate people just calm down, like, like, nobody's you're not changing a goddamn thing. You're arguing with six people stop it, you know, like, or somebody with 150 followers on Instagram is putting up something that they clearly took the I don't know, days to write, and it's beautiful in prose, and everything in it gets three clicks. And I'm like, No one saw that, you know, but they still are acting like they're, that they're having that impact that drive. i It seems unstable to me. I don't know another way to put it. So that feeling that I'm talking to you and you need to listen, like that feels like that person has something to work out. That has nothing to do with this sometimes.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 38:48
Some Yeah, I think the probably a variety of factors. But trying I think going back to the having some semblance of control in feeling like you're in control of your life, or of your kids choices. We do that even though we know we're not we're not in control and birth control of some things. But in the larger picture, we're not really in control of everything. And perhaps that feeling of when maybe when life is spilling out of control, maybe you might speak in a certain way to say no, this this is the way it has to be done. This is the way it works for me. And this is the way you should do it. And maybe they lean into that sense of control when maybe other things are feeling more out of control.
Scott Benner 39:35
Yeah. So I'm going to use this as an example the other day online. I saw a person jump into a thread and stairs, like it was clear that's what they were doing. And then I took a hard look and I thought I know this person. They've been in here a long time. That doesn't make sense to me. And I had to remove their comment because it was hurtful and nasty and it was just gonna leave Need to more hurtful and nasty. And I took it out. But I took the moment to send a note. And I said, Hey, I don't know what's going on. But you can't do that. And you've been here a long time, this really surprised me. And I got a return note that said, I'm really sorry, I have two different family members in the hospital, one of them's out of state, I need to find a better way to relieve my stress here then to get online and do what I just did. And so my expectation is, is that most people are having some sort of a thing in their day, when this happens, like, I genuinely think people are, like, decent. You know what I mean? Like I don't, I don't think that anybody just in their best moment gets up and says, Let me go argue with somebody about what we're eating, or let me go compare this to that, or go blame a whole group of people for whatever. I don't think that that's the case, I think that, that there are enough people in the world, and they don't have enough access to the internet, that it only takes a couple of people having a bad day, to give you the impression that the world is a terrible place. And I just don't think that's true. You know, so I got a lot out of that response. And then I responded back and I said, Hey, you know, I just lost my mom, I think I have some idea of what you're talking about, and know how hard it is, I'm sorry, um, you know, please just, you know, keep visiting the group and feeling better. And if you're feeling like you need to lash out, like, I don't know, go do something else. Like, like, you know, leave those people alone. But, but I was the only one that had that compassionate response. Because when he started doing what he was doing, everybody else was like, boom, coming back at him swinging with some people are like, here's the rules in the group, or here, you can't say that or be nice or why. And I'm like, Oh, my God, like, none of this is going to go well. Like, you don't see that. And then they'll start telling me, like, he's wrong, not me. Because I'll say, Hey, be nice to him. And they'll be like, me, I'm not the problem. Like, ah, now you're both the problem. Like everyone should have to moderate a group of 40,000 people for a week, because you would you start seeing the world in a completely different way. It's, it's interesting. And my group is, and I think you can attest to this really harmonious and generally speaking, overall, a pretty lovely place to be, but it's still when it pops up. You're like, Oh, here's all the stuff that we go to therapy for.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 42:36
Yeah, I'm sure you see so many, you know, patterns of human nature that we all can grow in, you know, certain areas at certain times. I think one thing I just actually noticed in your in a post I read recently, that I thought was really gracious and kind a network that like totally off topic, kind of but you know, reading, I think oftentimes we insert ourselves, like you just said without reading the initial post or reading the thread, and someone very graciously said, Hey, I think you missed the first like the actual question, maybe go back and read the initial post. And I thought that was a really kind reminder to, like, you wouldn't insert yourself in a conversation that was happening in the living room if you were in the kitchen? Without I mean, maybe you would, but you know, without understanding what was happening, what's the context?
Scott Benner 43:30
I know what you're talking about? And I've seen it done both ways. I've seen it done like, Hey, I think you missed like the tone of like, you missed the question. There's also people who didn't miss the question. They're just using it as an opportunity to give you their opinion. And so it's, it's interesting, and I don't think everybody is going to listen to this and go, Oh, I do that I should do better. And as a matter of fact, I don't. I don't know. I don't think it's gonna help anybody. But I'm also I'm very cynical about this stuff. Because I just, when, when we're talking about something that is built over time, through experience, like through parenting, or upbringing, even if it's being pointed out to you right now, what is your real, like, chance of like, grabbing a hold of it and redirecting it? And my honest, my honest thought is, you have the best chance, in a situation like this where a person me and you who have no connection to their lives, like the people who are listening can say, hey, if this is happening to you, this is how it sounds to other people. Like maybe you don't want to sound like this because I don't think this is a thing. You can tell a spouse or a child or a close, like, you don't I mean, like I bet you if your husband acts up and you say something to him, he's like, Don't therapy me, and like, I'm not digging into your life, but I'm assuming that's happened.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 44:54
It's happened, okay.
Scott Benner 44:56
So you have a much greater chance of helping people you don't know who have no connection to you, then you do with helping the people around you. Because all this insight that I have, doesn't help me that much with my wife. Because she's like, you're an idiot. I've known you forever. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if you knew something like, you know, me, like, she doesn't take me seriously the way other people would. And my point about that is that everyone's in that situation, this is your best opportunity to see yourself in some of these descriptions and say, I don't want to be like that. Like, to me, that's why I'm having the conversation. So there's a look behind me, that's why I'm having this conversation. Because I think it could help people. But also, yes,
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 45:37
yes, hopefully, and I think goes back to, you know, having the awareness and and the desire to change. And, and taking it back to, you know, why do we compare, I think, with it, but the example that we've been using in the Facebook group with food and eating styles, perhaps you feel that you obviously feel better about the way that you're eating, and maybe you find that self worth, that you've you found the way and you're going to compare it to other people, and that you feel better than other people, because you found a way that works for you. And I think that the highlight, you know, underlying theme that I know you talk about a lot in your Facebook group and on the the podcast is, you know, do what works for you. And that's okay, there's no right or wrong method of eating. And if we could all live in that space, that would be a beautiful thing to remember, you know, that's great if ketto works for you, or if eating whatever you want works for you. And doesn't always have to be all or nothing. Yeah.
Scott Benner 46:47
And it is more attractive to people psychologically to blame someone than it is to praise them. Is that not true?
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 46:56
To blame, so psychologically attractive,
Scott Benner 46:59
like, are our brain lame, or? Yeah, like we're kind of wired. Like the blaming feels better than the prick than praising does that you'll hear people say that when you're being kind, it sounds fake to them. Do you ever hear people say that? Oh, I'm that makes me really sad when people say that, but like, you're being kind, you're phony, like, I'm not feeling as well, I think, you know, so they're so wired towards the destructive, like the blame, yes, that when they see kind, it rubs them wrong. That's really something
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 47:31
it's hard to receive and internalize as truth. Yes. And I think as the as the deliver, I was, I'm trying to understand that the sentence that you just said to, like, psychologically attractive to blame somebody? Are you saying that as like the person who's receiving that, or as the person or
Scott Benner 47:55
the person who gives it, like, I guess you get a feeling of superiority by blaming, right? So that's probably, and then that raises you up to, I'm better than these people like you. So all the all the self doubt you have inside, you can make it go away by pointing to someone who's clearly doing something wrong.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 48:15
Right? And that would, I would maybe argue that that's like, Oh, I'm going to boost my self esteem. I'm doing this thing of, I'm gonna blame somebody else, I'm gonna feel better about my thing. And then I have this kind of false self esteem. As opposed to, well, maybe maybe I have it right. Maybe I don't, that's okay. I'm just gonna be kind of myself regardless. Yeah.
Scott Benner 48:37
And listen, this, this conversation is extra interesting to me. Because if you're living with diabetes, or you're caring for somebody who has it, you are being judged constantly, by by blood tests and numbers on things and arrows and beeping and clarity reports, just, you know, your you can say, you're not being judged, and you shouldn't take this judgment. And that's all true, but it's happening, you are being judged constantly, right? You are either doing something right, or you're doing something wrong, or you're getting something right, and you don't even know how the hell it happens. You can't even take credit for, you know, like, like, and so that stuff's all happening. I think it's important to know that you're having all these different impacts like that we've been talking about because you are then going to go have a human interaction with somebody, your children, your husband, your wife, like somebody in your life, somebody online, and you're gonna have all these bad feelings that you don't have time to deal with because you're busy trying to keep someone's blood sugar from being dangerous one way or the other. And then, I don't know, I just think that most of the people who come off poorly online, I think if we could grab them one at a time, like I did with that person in my example, you'd find that is not who they are. It's not how they feel. And if you gave them a do over they would certainly not say the thing they just said. And I think the only way to slow that down is if everyone He understands that we're all in a really it's a high tension situation taking care of diabetes. Like constantly, you know, I feel at the time yeah, you feel like a, like a hostage negotiator constantly, like everything you do is about to kill somebody if you do it wrong, like, you know, so that's how it makes me feel.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 50:20
Absolutely, absolutely. And I think that's why, you know, I know I say it, probably almost every episode that we record, but just the significance of taking responsibility where you can releasing the blame and offering the self compassion of like, this is really hard to nail it every time. And we're not going to I mean, that's okay.
Scott Benner 50:43
I think you have to treat it like, like hitting a baseball, honestly. And just go wow, I got three out of the last 10 I'm so good at this. Yeah, I just really like that's it. I mean, that's an old saying, right, but you go three for 10 through a career, you're in the Hall of Fame. So hitting a baseball is really, really hard to do. Is that
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 51:06
Is that a true? That's a real stat. I did not know that. Yeah, hold
Scott Benner 51:09
on an average batting average. Of Hall of Fame. Average batting average of a Hall of Famer. Hall a second. Okay. So the top three are like old timey so they weren't even playing when people were athletic. Okay, Ty Cobb has the lifetime average of 366 point. 366 Rogers Hornsby point. 358 Joe Jackson, that's Shoeless Joe Jackson point. 356. Ted Williams batted career point 344. And to find somebody more like here, look, I don't know. If you don't know baseball. You don't know baseball. Tony Gwynn was a pro hitter. He batted point 338 for his his career, he got slightly over three hits every 10 times he was at bat. And there are people, big name people here and I'm scrolling down like I'm in the top 600. Now like, I'll give you a name that people are just gonna know. It's an old name. Roy Campanella. That's a baseball name. People know. He batted point. 276. That's it. Wow. So Cal Ripken, Jr. has a lifetime point. 276 batting average.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 52:28
And point two, seven. Yeah. So he got less than
Scott Benner 52:31
three hits every 10 times. And he's one of the best shortstops that ever played. And so, you know, it's just that, to me, is how I mean, I know this is overly simplified, but that's how I think about things. Like when you hear me say something, and you think I'm joking, I'm like, I set the bar really low. That way, I can't even trip over it. Like, like everything I do. I'm like, again, me succeeding. Right? And because you need that momentum, to set that next carrot on that next stick, and keep going. Like if you, if you bury yourself under a pile of dread the first time you do something you spend your whole life digging yourself out from it. Me, I was like, I can't believe I got dressed today. I'm killing it. Like, like, you know, and I just, there's a way to, there's a way to trick yourself into feeling that way. And then is what are you doing? You're faking it till you make it? Right? Like, that's a real thing for a reason. You know, so you keep to me, it's setting little, little goals succeeding and moving on. I do with my kids all the time, I'll even let them know I'm doing it. Like, you know, like, the other day. I said to my son, I was like, You should set up a, an IRA for yourself. Right? And he's like, Yeah, and I was like, yeah, man, I'm like, You got a job now, like, it won't be a lot of money. But you can put a little money aside every month. And, and I made sure to tell him like, you could have a short term goal of maybe owning a home if you wanted to, in the next 10 years, or something like that, you're gonna have a long term goal about retiring. And I said, and it doesn't need to be a lot, you can put in a little bit a manageable amount, and you'll get to these things. And he's like, okay, like, and that's it. So then I set him up with a person to help him set up an IRA, Ira. And then he called me and he said, Hey, I talked to the guy, and I was like, that's great. Great that you talk to him. I said, what's next? And he said, Oh, I gotta fill out the paperwork as I go. Let me know when you do that if you need help. And a week later, I got a call, Hey, what does this mean on this form? And I told him and he goes, good, you got all done as a great job. And he's like, thanks. I said, Hey, I'd like to put some money in it to get you started. And he's like, Oh, thank you. And he goes, You know what he said, I'll match whatever you put in up to this much. And I said, Well, if that's as much as you can put in, that's as much as I can put in and so and now he's on his way. Like
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 54:49
there's so many sweets so endearing. Oh my gosh, but but, but I
Scott Benner 54:53
didn't tell you because I'm how terrific I am. I told you because, hey, first of all, I wish somebody would have talked to me about money when I was a part Some, like a young person. And secondly, because that's an example of like five or six opportunities to put a little tiny carrot out in front of him. He reaches out and grabs it. He feels like he did something, I filled out the paperwork. Yeah, me, I called the guy yay, me, like that kind of stuff. And he feels like he's doing something without having a down payment on the house. Like, right? He, he thinks he's working towards it, I gotta be honest with you, it doesn't matter if he ever, it doesn't matter if he ever gets to it, it matters, that he has something to do, and that he has something to focus on, and that it's positive, and that it's achievable. Short term, long term. That's all I don't want to say I'm a genius, Erica, but there I just fixed it for you just do that.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 55:46
Well, then he, he's having this feedback loop, right? Of I did this thing, and I felt good about myself. And that is so important for the overall mental health right there who knows he has the capability, the competency, then he feels good for fulfilling that goal. And that's, that's super important that you're, you know, helping shape him in those steps.
Scott Benner 56:13
But that's the thing you could all do for yourself in little ways. All day long. Like if if you say, I'm going to put the laundry away, and then you don't do it, you made too big of a goal. Like you make it make a smaller thing and reach for that. You'll be surprised how it'll just get you like motivated. It makes you feel like you're doing something and you are by the way, you're not really lying to yourself, you are getting something accomplished. But that momentum and that expectation, by the way that you're going to accomplish things, it builds on itself. And then you don't have to be out in the world constantly comparing yourself to other people just to feel better, you'll actually feel better, because you've compared yourself to a thing that you did. And then you're the focus then yours, then you're George Clooney to you. Does that all make sense? I mean, I feel like I've bundled this up very nicely for everybody. But, but, but it's just that easy. Well, it's obviously not that easy. But But yes, it is. Right. Like there's, there's no more to it than that. I mean, the doing it's hard. The understanding what it is, is not hard, like and so I think my point is if you find yourself comparing yourself to people all the time, or if you find yourself blaming other people all the time, you just you probably just don't feel good about what you're doing. So go back and set the small goals where you can feel better about yourself, like don't look at your 12 a one C and when it's not a six next time, go What the hell say I wonder if I can get this to an 11 and a half. You only mean and, and work like that. To me, that makes sense.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 57:47
Anyway, yeah, taking smaller, a larger goal, breaking it up into smaller chunks. We talk I talk about that a lot. And even just, you know, thinking about like, the laundry example, or the exercise of like, okay, if the doing folding the laundry, putting away I feel that that is a really challenging task in my household is to say, I'm gonna do the socks today, you know, and you're like, Yes, I did the socks and tomorrow, you're gonna do the shirts. Same thing with any task of saying, I'm just gonna set the timer and do it for five minutes. And you're done. Don't, don't do the treadmill for 30 Do it for five,
Scott Benner 58:21
I had trouble standing up after my surgery on my foot. So I said to my wife and my daughter who's home from school, right now, if you guys could just fold the laundry. That'd be really great. Right? So they took care of their laundry, they left my laundry folded on my side of the room. And I thought, I can't put this away right now. So I told myself, I'm going to dress out of the pile. And I'm going to make that okay for myself this week. Yeah, so I got dressed out of the pile of clothing, like they were in the drawers. And I didn't say to myself, you're a scumbag for not putting these clothes away. I can't believe you're living out of a pile of clothes. I actually said that's my goal. I'm gonna live out the pile of clothes today because I can't stand up too long because of my foot. And I don't want to torture myself about this. And I know that when I walk into the room, I look at the pile of clothing. And I think just put that away. Don't do that. But instead I just made it an okay thing. And that was it. And by the way, I still got the podcast on. I got other stuff accomplished this week. And I don't know it's all here. Listen, I'm gonna make this last point and you can wrap up. I don't know if you know who showy Otani is, but he's arguably the best baseball player that is alive right now playing the names familiar? Yeah, he's batting point. 306 Right now, every person in the world who understands baseball would want him on their baseball team. He's astonishingly good. So that's it be a be a 300 battery, batting average. That's what I would do. I'd shoot for that be amazing. You get three out of 10 things done that you set up every week. Then just reset them again. You know, I don't know. And here's a piece of advice from me to anybody else. Make your to do list flexible. Don't set one to 10 And then say to yourself, I can't get to two until I do one. If If three becomes more important than one to you slide three to one, just keep moving it around it, it goes a long way to not torturing yourself. So anyway,
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 1:00:12
that's it, may I add on your to do list? Be kind yourself. Sometimes I encourage people to have your big to do list and then on Monday, you have folded laundry, number one, number two, be kind yourself. And then that's and then number two on Tuesdays two of those things,
Scott Benner 1:00:28
again, a very doable, that's what I'm saying. It's a very doable thing that you can check off your list make you feel like you've accomplished something, and it's good for you on top of that, so Yeah, beautiful. That's exactly right. All right, Erica, Erica forsythe.com. Right, what states are doing virtually right now?
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 1:00:46
California, Utah, Oregon, and Florida,
Scott Benner 1:00:49
in person in California, in person in California. Okay, thank you very much.
Erika Forsyth, MFT, LMFT 1:00:53
Thank you.
Scott Benner 1:01:04
First, I want to thank Erica and remind you to check her out at Erica foresight.com that I want to thank all of you for listening, and better help for sponsoring this episode better help.com forward slash juice box save 10% off your first month of therapy when you use my link. I hope you enjoyed our little thought exercise today. I enjoyed having the conversation with Erica, if you want to check out the private Facebook group that we were talking about. It's called Juicebox Podcast type one diabetes. That's pretty much it. Thanks so much for listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast.
A day diabetes diagnosis comes with a lot of new terminology. And that's why I've created the defining diabetes series. These are short episodes where Jenny Smith and I go over all of the terms that you're going to hear living with diabetes, and some of them that you might not hear every day, from the very simple Bolus up to feed on the floor. Don't know the difference between hypo and hyper will explain it to you. These are short episodes, they are not boring. They're fun, and they're informative. It's not just us reading to you out of the dictionary, we take the time to chat about all of these different words. Maybe you don't know what a coup small respiration is, you will when you're done. Ever heard of glycemic index and load haven't doesn't matter. You will know after you listen to the defining diabetes series. Now, how do you find it, you go to juicebox podcast.com up top to the menu and click on defining diabetes. You'll be able to listen right there in your browser. Or you'll see the full list of the episodes and be able to go into an audio app like Apple podcasts or Spotify and listen to them at your pace. Download them into your phone and listen when you can. The defining diabetes series is made up of 51 short episodes. That will fast forward your knowledge of diabetes terminology
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