#608 Diabetes Pro Tip: Honeymoon

Scott and Jenny Smith, CDE share insights on type 1 diabetes care

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 608 of the Juicebox Podcast.

Today I bring you the 25th installment of the diabetes Pro Tip series. On this episode Jenny Smith and I will discuss honeymooning. I know that a honeymoon can be very difficult to navigate both during it. And as it ends. It's difficult for parents of children with type one as well as newly diagnosed adults. So today, Jenny and I are going to do a deep dive on it. I think it's going to help you. Please remember, while you're listening that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan are becoming bold with insulin. If you're looking for the rest of the Pro Tip series, it's available diabetes pro tip.com, juicebox podcast.com, where you can go right into your podcast app right now. Hit search and look for diabetes pro tip Juicebox Podcast, they should all pop right up. But there's great lists on the website.

If you're looking for community around type one diabetes, or diabetes in general, you should really check out the Facebook page for the Juicebox Podcast. It's called Juicebox Podcast, type one diabetes. All you have to do is search for it in your Facebook app, answer a couple of membership questions. And the next thing you know you'll be in there with like 20,000 people living with type one and type two diabetes. You can ask questions, make friends, use this space, any way that's best suited for you just lurk if you want. There's a lot to learn just by looking Juicebox Podcast, type one diabetes on Facebook. I know. I know what you're thinking Facebook, people are going to argue and complain it's going to be horrible. But this group really is special. There's not a lot of that going on in there. And I think you'll like it. Just give it a shot Juicebox Podcast, type one diabetes. Last thing before we get started. If you have type one diabetes, or you're the caregiver of someone who has type one diabetes, and you're a US resident, in less than 10 minutes, you can take a survey that will help people living with type one. It's AT T one D exchange.org. Forward slash juicebox. I've taken the survey myself, it really does just take a few minutes you can do it from your phone or your laptop or wherever is 100% HIPAA compliant and absolutely anonymous. It really does help people living with type one, give it a look. T one D exchange.org. Forward slash juicebox. Okay, so we're recording, I want to tell you that this lovely woman named Isabel has been helping me with the Facebook pitch. And she came to me recently and said, You need a pro tip for female hormones and you need a pro tip for the end of a honeymoon. She said these are things that people ask about constantly. And they must not feel like they're getting what they need out of the podcast on this. Now Jenny, you know, in my heart, the end of the honeymoon just means use more insulin. And when you get your period it means use more insulin but darn it, let's let's just dig into it and find out that the details Okay.

Jennifer Smith, CDE 3:47
Sure. Yes, they're both good. Good topics. Yeah,

Scott Benner 3:50
the details are apparently what is needed, and I am happy to deliver what is needed. And by that, I mean dig it out of your head and record it so people can hear it. Sure. Okay. Because my only experience with honeymooning that my only experience that I'm aware of personally with honeymooning because Arden had diabetes, you know, was diagnosed so long ago, and we had a little meter and some needles. I mean, I didn't really know what was happening in her. So the one thing that I can tell you is that I called my friend who was my children's pediatrician one day, and I I told you this before, but it fits in this this episode. So let's put it here. And I told him I preface my conversation by saying I know what I'm about to say is ridiculous. But is there any chance Arden doesn't have diabetes? And he said and he sounded sad. I think sad that I asked him and he's and he said why? And I said, Well, she hasn't needed insulin for about a day and a half now. Right? And that lasted maybe? I don't know. 72 hours. And then it was just going. Yeah, anyway, that's my entire personal experience with honeymooning but I know how difficult it can be for everybody. So,

Jennifer Smith, CDE 5:10
well, another good question. And that I mean, as you sort of began with, I just give more insulin right? Well, a good piece of honeymoon is or coming out of honeymoon, right? You're, you've kind of moved through that lack of insulin need or really, really, some people can get by on just Basal insulin. They might not need anything for their meals or their blood sugar's don't go high enough to correct or anything right. But did you notice also that after that, like, three ish days, that her insulin needs were higher than they were before that?

Scott Benner 5:48
Well, here's the here's the honest answer. I don't know. I didn't know. You don't remember. No, no, forget that. I don't remember. I didn't know what I was doing. Right. So like, I think that feeling maybe encapsulates more honeymooning and the and the leaving of honeymooning for people more than anything like, right. So somebody you or your child gets type one. It's a whirlwind. It's you know, and if you're honeymooning, insulin needs are changing kind of radically sometimes. So just when you maybe get the nerve to, I don't know, Bolus two units of a Basal, you know, and then the next day Your fight is 60, blood sugar all day that won't go up. And then the next day, you think, well, maybe I shouldn't use the two units of Basal and then you don't and then your body doesn't help that day and your blood sugar's 300. All day. That uncertainty, I think, is the main characteristic of honeymooning, don't you

Jennifer Smith, CDE 6:42
true and honeymoon is it is really different person to person, as well as the like, movement out of honeymooning is different person to person, like you didn't have art and didn't have a very long honeymoon at all. And that's not uncommon from the studies that have been done. It's not uncommon with kids under the age of five who are diagnosed, to have a much more rapid rapid onset of type one very quick, very aggressive, really high blood sugars, you know, unless they've been watching for it, or they know because of previous antibody testing that it could be coming, you know, DKA, all of those kinds of things. And what that results in is causing enough of the betas to be stressed enough and the body kind of decreasing them enough in, you know, in amount that now diabetes presents itself, okay? So but in older kids, and especially in adults, there is often a slower progression of type one, like, you know, here it is, yeah, and all those symptoms, and that often leaves more betas in the picture. Also, what's been found is that the sooner you get containment of blood sugars after diagnosis, you give some relief to those beta cells. And because now, you know, you're either injecting or you're pumping insulin. And so that's something that's helping to take care of the blood sugar levels. And your betas that do remain can actually help out and so honeymoon then often comes in, you know, where, usually somewhere between about one to four months post diagnosis is the typical like, honeymoon, time to expect that to come into the picture and how long it can last again as person to person, it could be a couple months, it could be three days, it could be a year or two that you continue to have this like lack of more typical insulin need.

Scott Benner 8:54
It's the consistency that you're that you're missing and, and yeah, that breaks people's hearts I think I'll tell you after interviewing so many people, I've heard, I believe every variation of time and distance about honeymooning from adults and children and crazy stories where blood sugars are suddenly super normal super out of whack. One lady I'll never forget told me like she thinks her honeymoon lasted years. And then I'm wondering like, is that? Is that honeymoon? Or is it a slow onset? Like is that like, and I guess it doesn't really matter, right? Like, what matters is that you're using insulin now. And in there's going to be this variability to how much until things I guess you could just say settle but obviously it's not settle. It's until your beta cells give up. Right right completely. Do do some people just not see a honeymoon at all. What does that mean? And they're not aware of it. In talking

Jennifer Smith, CDE 9:53
with so many people that I have, and you know, it's always something I asked about his diagnosis. If somebody wants to talk about it, you know, or if it's been very, very soon after I get to talk or, you know, before I get to talk to them, it's been very close to that time period. And it seems like, again, everybody is a little bit different. A little people again, very little people tend to be the ones that I hear the most, we didn't notice very much honeymoon, or, you know, parents are concerned, because they're like, I don't know, I feel like we never had a honeymoon, I feel like, we never needed just like a little bit of insulin, we just went from not using any really using insulin, you know.

Scott Benner 10:37
So functionally, how do people deal with it? So when, you know, let's say, I came to you and I said, Hey, here's my seven year old kid, yesterday, this Basal, and this meal ratio worked perfectly. Today, it's a hot mess. And I'm saving low blood sugars all over the place. I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. But as I look back, this is bouncing around. It's two days of this one day of that. But how do you find reasonable stability until things get normalized?

Jennifer Smith, CDE 11:12
Well, some of it again, in that early time period is it's a bit of estimation, you can base it on Well, yesterday was a really sensitive day, if it looks like we fought low blood sugars all night. And we're entering morning time again, today, with lower blood sugar's yet again, that's a good visual that maybe today needs to be covered similar to yesterday, or even less aggressively than yesterday, right. So some high insight can help. But then, you know, tomorrow morning, you wake up high. If you didn't do anything strange overnight, and you're all of a sudden, high, today might be one of those days that you're going to need more insulin. And so it, it's hard because it takes out of the picture, a lot of the things that we've done. In other we've discussed in other episodes, like testing, right, and doing things like Basal testing, in this time period, it's kind of hard, because you don't really know exactly day to day, how things are going to move overall, the general idea that kids before puberty, once remission, has kind of gone away, right? Once that honeymoon period, you're expecting it's over. Insulin needs usually are about point seven to one unit per kilogram per day of insulin.

Scott Benner 12:34
Say it again,

Jennifer Smith, CDE 12:36
point seven to one unit per kilogram per day of insulin. So and if you don't know, pound two kilogram conversion, just take your pound weight and divide it by 2.2. And you'll have your weight in kilograms. But that's a it's a, it's a baseline, you know, if you were really, really, really low to begin with, and now you're doing a really low carb diet as well. You may not really see that insulin dosing kind of go along with what we would expect in terms of overall insulin need, right? Usually, people are considered in remission, if they're at, you know, point five or less point five units per kilogram per day or less of insulin. And then, you know, once you get to puberty, gosh, I mean, you could use anywhere between a unit to two units of insulin a day during puberty, and that's completely normal. Absolutely, and completely normal. So if you're not so sensitive anymore, you definitely see these swings in blood sugar, you know, especially in that growth period overnight or in the aftermath of meals and is lasting and lasting and lasting. guarantee you're probably not in honeymoon anymore.

Scott Benner 13:50
Well, you know, you I've said it to you have said to everybody listening, you have to meet the need. And I don't know, it's clear enough about that. But if one day the need is greater than meet the greater need and if one day the the need is lesser than meet the lesser need and, and flexibilities just it's completely key. It's what you're saying. It's like you have to sort of I don't think that I don't think that during honeymoon you want to look real macro. Not all the time, right? You want to kind of just deal with diabetes and segments of it of half days or hours or something like that. Like here's what's happening right now. If it starts trending one way, then adjust with it if it starts trending the other way then adjust with it. But I don't think there's a lot of value unless you're matching an apples to apples day and going well last Thursday. You know she was really low so I don't want to be aggressive six days later. You don't I mean like today's got no no Yeah, yeah, there's no correlation between now six days ago when you're in this honeymoon fluctuation. And I know that people We're gonna think I'm flipping but I think you could just retitle this episode, diabetes pro tip ministration. And I don't know that we're gonna say too many different things when we get to it, which is why maybe for some people, they gloss over it when we talk about these basic ideas of like, it's not always going to be the same all the time, you can't always ask for a cut and dry answer. I mean, if you want to get through a honeymoon period, and it's, it's particularly, you know, Rocky, I think that just staying flexible, meeting the need, you know, taking a little bit of historical knowledge off of days that were similar to the one you're experiencing now. I think that's really the whole thing.

Jennifer Smith, CDE 15:45
I think that's the best that you can do oftentimes, especially in honeymoon, and then even, you know, coming out of honeymoon, there's, I know, some people use the word like it becomes more stable. Okay. Sure. More stable in the fact that you're not like giving only one unit and that whole talk takes care of your whole day. Yeah, yes, absolutely.

Scott Benner 16:12
But yeah, or that one day, the units necessary. And then the next day, it's not necessary. But there's,

Jennifer Smith, CDE 16:19
I think there's more consistency is, is it exactly and I mean, in honeymoon, again, there are ups their downs, yes, you can, you can choose to use insulin from some hindsight from, again, I know, on a really, really busy day like this, my child needs a lot less insulin, but is running high today. Okay. Again, it's the then meet the need in terms of where the blood sugar is right now. And thankfully, these days, I mean, you didn't have an I certainly didn't, as a kid have any visible to where my blood sugar was going at all. It was a one number, it could be rising in 10 minutes, it could be dropping in 10 minutes. And that's what

Scott Benner 17:03
it was. I wonder sometimes when I'm like, I'm speaking to this person, now, who's got a very small child who I think still their needs are, well, they're not honeymooning, they were just, they had too much Basal going. So it's, you know, by using too much Basal, they were getting drops, that didn't seem to make sense, right. And so it took a day or two to figure out that the Basal was too high, to bring it down a little bit. But in there, while we were trying to figure it out, this person was using pens. And so they were relegated to point five units at a time, right, and I just said you have syringes, and she did was like, just eyeball less than a half. Next time we go for this meal, and did that and fixed a lot of their problems. So while this kind of unseen force, obviously, I'm talking about Basal that we needed to fix though, but you know, let the unseen force be, you know, your pancreas working all of a sudden, was dropping or down? If the limiting factor was the was the measurement on this on the pen. And then you like, for some reason, your brain doesn't jump over that and go, Well, this might be too much. But your brain says this is all I'm able to do. Do you know, I mean, like, and so but the minute we dropped down to like these quarter of units, then suddenly, there was far fewer spikes in the meals, and then far fewer lows afterwards. And I'm just wondering, like, during the honeymoon period? If you are that scared of these crazy drops? Do you maybe just draw back your Basal a little bit? And then on days when that Basal is not enough, just increase your meal insulin a little? Or do you mean like, because also these these poor people are probably MDI in this moment?

Jennifer Smith, CDE 18:55
Correct. Most often, and like you said, unless they have, you know, half half unit dosed or marked syringes in which yes, if you've got to, to get good eyes, or you have a good magnifying glass, you can get kind of a quarter unit fish in there, whatever it might be. They've got a good friend that does just that, and she's done it for a long time, and it works great for her. But again, you have to kind of use those microscopic doses and on pens, it's a hard thing to definitely do because all you can get is a half a unit. I mean, I think on pumps, honestly in honeymoon and I know a lot of clinics often don't encourage people to start pumping until honeymoon is expected to be almost over. And I sometimes I agree with that. Sometimes I don't agree with that. I think it kind of is individual in need. You have to look at what people are able to do and kind of a knowledge base of where are you already but those doses they do, they do shift and change through honeymoon. And then, you know, going out of honeymoon, you can expect the doses to definitely increase your child, your TN, your, you know, adult that you're living with or your partner to or whatever you're going to expect that their doses are going to increase. And while kids are growing at the same time as coming out of honeymoon, there are a lot of factors there. Another piece in the mix that often shifts things to higher insulin, and we've talked about it before we talked about illness and management is that if a child is also sick, within honeymooning and is now requiring more insulin, then by the end of the illness, they may actually either leave honeymoon sooner, or they may just be still at a higher insulin need as during the illness, the pancreatic beta cells were trying to assist, and there aren't very many of them left. So they were getting stressed out and can all can leave less than Yeah. So

Scott Benner 21:07
that's interesting. Yeah, I think that. So I think that the next step here, I mean, besides telling people like, look, it's gonna happen, you know, if it's happening, it's flexibility is key, it's going to be a little more stressful, but only if you I guess, only if you're looking macro when you should be looking micro. And then vice versa. Like you just talked about a lot, a number of ideas where you do want to pull back and see the big picture, but not about the fluctuations day to day those you kind of got to get on like a bowl and ride them, you can't step back and have an existential conversation about whether or not you should be bull riding, you know, so. But but the other stuff, are there illnesses, is there growth, you know, activity, those things are, those are big picture items. So now, okay, so now you've figured out a way to ride through this honeymoon, the thing that I see from people over and over again, is that when it ends, you know, like when the honeymoons over, they can't believe it. They can't pull the trigger. They can't ramp up. Think about it any way you want to. But they get stuck in the game, and don't recognize that the game changed.

Jennifer Smith, CDE 22:23
Yeah, I think the big thing there is that, especially in honeymoon, the sensitivity to insulin makes people very wary of using more. Right, right, because you can get burned, right, by using more thinking you needed more, because yesterday, it clearly didn't work with this, you know, lunch that we provided we're giving the same lunch today. So I'm going to be more aggressive, you know, gave a quarter unit yesterday, today, I'm definitely giving a half a unit and then on the back end of the drop happens, right? The good thing to know is that in, you know, the coming out of honeymoon kind of moving out of that that phase is that you will have again, more consistency in more need for insulin, you won't have as much potential for those drops, where you learned they typically happened even if it wasn't every day, you probably got a good idea of where things needed to be lower in dose or, you know, that won't necessarily be the case. Once you're out of honeymoon,

Scott Benner 23:36
I feel like you I mean, when I tell people about it, I say you just kind of have to reset at that moment. That's when you go back to the setting Basal insulin pro tip, you start over again, you get the Basal straight, you reevaluate how long your Pre-Bolus time is, you reevaluate your meal insulin after you've re evaluated your Basal insulin. And you just kind of start over that. The truth is, is that I think that the transition from honeymoon to out of honeymoon is not actually much different sometimes than the transition from MDI, to pumping in that it's just the it's the same game different players, like I don't know how to like, how to think of it, it's like, you know, right church, wrong, pew. I don't know what the what the the thing is, like you're doing the same thing. But the pieces have all just sort of adjusted a little bit. And you have to just step back, take what you know about the thing you've been doing, and reapply it to the new situation.

Jennifer Smith, CDE 24:31
Right? Correct. And with pumping, you know that you've got a lot more precision that comes along with that. So if you've been doing things as precisely as possible with let's say, Just half units, right, and Basal that's given once or maybe twice a day. Now you can really address where insulin needs are heavier and are lighter through the course of a 24 hour days. Yeah, you can meet the need more precisely, thus, the benefit of doing some Basal testing again, even if you're just doing it overnight, and everybody wants to sleep. So if there's one time a day that you're going to do it, do it overnight,

Scott Benner 25:14
get that part done, get that part done. And you steal a bunch of a one C and some just good feelings. In general, if you're, if you're thinking all 24 hours are just a train wreck, like maybe you can at least get eight or nine of them straight, you know, and say, and it's a jumping off point, figure out the rest of the day. I think that when you were saying something a minute ago, this thought just jumped into my head, and I'm gonna put it here. And I think it fits. I think no matter the situation, maybe I'm talking about just diabetes or life in general. But do something is often the answer. People, there's a people freeze, wondering what the something should be. But if you're watching the same thing happen over and over and over again, if you just change the variables, the stressors on the situation, you might see something new, that helps you understand a bigger picture something different. And so, you know, if blood sugars are, I mean, I don't think it's a joke. But like online, sometimes somebody will throw up a graph and be like, I don't know what's wrong with this. And I'll literally just type more insulin. Because put in some more and watch what happens and then go Oh, cause and effect if they want to know where

Jennifer Smith, CDE 26:29
Right, yeah, not just more like, but where should I put that more insult

Scott Benner 26:35
thing, though, it's like do something right? Like, if you haven't been on vacation in 15 years, take $5 a week and put it in an envelope, you know, do something, try to change the situation a little bit. And I get that it's frightening. And I used to think, Jenny, I used to think that all these things that I saw around diabetes, were so specific to diabetes, but I've been having some personal things going on with my mom's health recently, which Jenny knows about? Probably not. Yeah, about right away. But but the point is, is that I recognize that the confusion, and the the lack of knowing when to jump and feeling like you're overwhelmed and feeling like you don't understand what to do next. It's life, not diabetes, right. And maybe it feels a little more dire in some situations than others. You know what I mean? Like standing in the store, trying to decide between two waxes for your car might not be as crazy as I wonder if I want to add three more Basal units to my kid or something like that. But the truth is, is that that inaction, that's what keeps you where you're at. So if you're sitting where you don't want to be, do something,

Jennifer Smith, CDE 27:47
right, and easier one to honestly do, let's say you are running high, you know, all day long, and you're higher after meals, but you're still just stuck high in that scenario, and a safer thing is just add a little bit more Basal add just a little bit more Basal, right. If instead, in time periods where you're not actually eating, it doesn't look too bad. And then you've got these big excursions after you eat just about, you know, anything, even a microscopic eight grams of carb, maybe and it goes rocketing up, well, then you may be okay with Basal and maybe the next place to add more. And again, not three units more, but maybe add a half a unit or adjust your insulin to carb ratio by one gram to get a little bit more insulin around the times that you see the change that you don't want to see happening.

Scott Benner 28:45
Yeah. Arden's been getting up in the morning going to school, and her blood sugar has been rising. This this school year, like 30 points in the morning. I tried to let the algorithm mess with it didn't work. I tried making just some simple Basal adjustments wasn't enough. And then finally I just said doors like when you leave the house from now on, we just Bolus three units, please. And she's like, what I was like, just throw in three units, get the car, go to school. I was like, because whatever's happening is happening enough. I believe it's happening. I trust that what I know is going to happen is going to happen. And she's using an algorithm. So if you make an uncovered Bolus, it removes her Basal immediately. So her Basal is like 1.2 in the morning. So I figured it was about a unit and a half or so to fix the number or to get ahead of the number. And we got to cover the Basal that's gone. So it's like just three. And then we adjusted off of that and did a little too much the next day we did a little less. The next day, we had a better outcome. The next day she forgot to do it, you know, on the third day and I was like see it happened again, like you know, like do this thing that made her trust the drive Do it and it becomes a little more important to her. I just think it's another example of do something. Right. You know, I, I've been saying online a lot to people lately. And you'll forgive me because I can't pronounce it in its in its origin language in Latin, but I've been telling people lately, Fortune favors the bold. Just try something, you know, they mean stand up thump your chest and go, I'm gonna take a swing here. Let's see what happens. And then you get back to this stuff you hear in the earlier pro tips, you know?

Jennifer Smith, CDE 30:35
Right. Well, and I think the bigger thing too, that you're, you're bringing in is try something, right? But then analyze what that trying did. Right? Don't just try it and be like, Wow, that clearly didn't work. Like, still focus on it? Well, it didn't work, your adjustment either left you to higher like, you know happened for you caused it to be a little bit too low in the algorithm couldn't really save you from that extra insulin well, but now, you know, so you use that for that information. And you move forward and you say, Okay, tomorrow, we're going to do it this way. I mean, that goes into, you know, a lot of things in terms of kind of the exiting of the honeymoon. It does it's try this, it looks like consistently in the past week, he's needed more insulin, right? Okay, great. You're trying to add more insulin? Is it enough? Is it getting to you to the place that you want to be? Insulin needs may actually continued to climb a little bit. It's not like a night and day like yesterday, we needed one unit and tomorrow, we're gonna need 10 units. That's not typically the exit of honeymoon. But over time, that lack of beta cells that is that was helping you write is going to show up very evidently, in that you don't return to that minimal amount of insulin,

Scott Benner 31:57
when you know what made me do this episode when Isabel told me that she thought it was necessary. It was that I had to get over that thing in my head that it's already in the podcast. Like I was like, No, it's in there already. You just have to listen to it. And then I thought, well, it's in there. But it's in a different way. Because what we just talked about, what about that? It really is the way when I'm when I was talking about God, I don't even know what episode it was not that I guess maybe that's a good point. It's hard to find them all. But But, but when I was talking about like sometimes you know, people's meal insulin right meal ratio, sometimes their insulin to carb ratio can be like spot on for a number of meals, but not work for a certain meal. And I always use that silly example, if you have meatloaf and mashed potatoes and green beans, and you count the carbs. And it says the carbs say Oh, this is five units, you make your Pre-Bolus. You spike, you end up correcting later with two units, which brings you down and you don't get low. Well, the next time you have the meatloaf in the mashed potato, seven units, you use you seven units, right? Like you see it happen. And then you take the leap, you stop looking back at the meal ration going no, that's not right, I counted the carbs, it's right, this is five units, very similarly to the idea of you're using a pen that only goes up to a half a unit and you keep using it and then watching a low blood sugar happen. I go, I'm powerless, but you're not powerless. Like you just need to go get a syringe and do it a different way. And you're not at the mercy of your carb ratio just because it works five days a week, but not on Sunday when you have meatloaf like right. So, right. It's all kind of the same idea. Like right, I know it sounds trite. But

Jennifer Smith, CDE 33:37
well, and that's I think it brings in a good a good piece too, in terms of, you know, multiple daily injections, then we move to pumping, and then we move to the fancy features of pumping. And then you might move to an algorithm driven pump, right? All of these things take. They take like evaluation. And a good example from somebody I worked with a while ago, who had started using one of the algorithm driven pumps, and she was fantastic. I love it. It's working so awesome. But it doesn't work on Friday night. I was like, Okay, well what were you doing on Friday night, that this doesn't work anymore for you. And she had this like, whole thing figured out for her dinner Friday nights that she would go out to with her husband. And on a conventional pump. She could use like, you know, a temporary Basal she could use an extended Bolus and she had it down, Pat, that was like just go to manual mode in your pump and use it that way overnight and Saturday morning. Turn your algorithm back on. She's like, why didn't I think of like, oh, I don't know either, but I hope that it helps and it it seemed to be much better than we did

Scott Benner 34:53
last night. Yeah. Because we went to a bar and art and got nachos with cheese steak on top of it and had French fries, and I crushed my first Bolus. I was like, I haven't been this excited about a Bolus and was like I was on top of it. And then I started seeing the fat rise, and we hit it again. And I was like I was over. And then I go upstairs to start working. And suddenly she jumps up her blood sugar jumps out, but I go downstairs to my lab and see what happened. I had some gummy bears, she told me and I was like, no, no, we can't put simple sugar on top of fat and protein. I was like, are you all out of your minds? Without like, significant I said, Aren't you were going to gummi bears in this situation, the Pre-Bolus would have needed to be causing a fall before you put the bear the bears in, you know. And then that would have been okay, but she just did the like my blood sugar's great thing, threw in some insulin, wait a little while and ate it. And it was not nearly enough. We needed to be more drastic with it. And so I was like, so my text, my text said this, I'll bleep it out. It said it said that it said, open the loop Bolus for you.

Jennifer Smith, CDE 36:06
And let and let the Basal run let's

Scott Benner 36:09
back to normal pumping for a minute and stop asking this algorithm do something that it doesn't know how to do. Because it's

Jennifer Smith, CDE 36:15
not it's not a learning algorithm. Unfortunately, it doesn't, you know, it doesn't react the way that we have the experience to say, I know this is what's going to happen. Please don't fiddle with the insulin that I put in purpose.

Scott Benner 36:32
Now's not the time to take the Basal away algorithm. Yes, gummy bears and cheese stick nachos happening right now. Anyway, Jenny, you know, there was in the past, there was a moment when I, I used to worry. And I think like, Well, we've already said these things. And people will find it. And now I realized that that's not how this is going to work that these continuing conversations are incredibly important. I think maybe the conversational part of this episode, and many episodes is more important even than the technical aspects of what was said inside of it. Right? You know, like, if you listen to the Pro Tip series, and you had your brain or my brain, or your experience, in my experience, you could derive from the Pro Tip series how to manage a honeymoon. But for people who are in that situation, I think they need the information here. Right, you know, in one spot. Yeah. And I just, I don't know if I was just like, super hopeful or lazy. I'm not sure. But I used to think like, just go listen to the pro tip episodes, it explains the whole thing, you know, and it really does. So I appreciate this, I think we're gonna have to, you know, like I said, I want to do one for you know, female hormones, menstruation, that kind of thing. Yeah, specific the next time we record. And then from there, I'm going to say this year, Jenny, because it will put us both on the hook. In 2022. Jenny and I are going to go back to certain pro tip episodes, were going to re listen to them on our time. And then incorporate questions that I'm collecting on Facebook, on how to supercharge those episodes. So they're going to kind of create some of them are going to get a part to kind of a situation. That's cool. That's what that's how we will you and I will spend our time seeing each other through the winter of 2022 sequels to certain episodes. I'm thinking of them as director's cuts for oh, there you go. Yeah, for older people who you remember the directors commentaries? Yes. Yeah. You know, where do you mean you'll flip the movie on and the audio goes away, and you just hear the guy go. In this shot. What I was thinking was that if the sun came in from the left,

Jennifer Smith, CDE 38:41
and we could could pan over here and listen to this music from this producer, you know, whatever. See

Scott Benner 38:47
how missoma Hykes eyes are glistening. i I told the DP like I don't know if you ever listened to them. They're pompous exchanges, Jenny and I will not do that. But we're gonna go back and listen to what we've said. Because I've done it a couple of times, like in Episode 500. I went back to Episode 11. That's bold with insulin. And I listened to it and like talked overtop of it like so people listening and episode. I think it's 100 Oh my god. 100 500. Sorry. In episode 100. I just basically did a director's cut of that, because I realized that when I said it, I was just saying it. Like there was and now I've lived all this time since then, and had these interactions with people that maybe there'd be more to add to that. And I think that exists for the Pro Tip series. Like and I'm excited. I'm sorry that you're gonna start getting emails from me that say please listen to this one before we talk again. But

Jennifer Smith, CDE 39:36
no, that's fine. You're busy and I can do it during my workouts. That's not usually I just That's my mental like, my moving like mental sort of like strategizing time is my exercise time. I am not like a sit in one space and like meditate. I'm a moving meditator But I can meditate on the episodes so we can make them better for everybody else. Excellent.

Scott Benner 40:04
I have a question, then I'll let you go. How do you make out listening to your own voice? Does it freak you out?

Jennifer Smith, CDE 40:12
It's I don't know, it's I guess it's kind of weird to me because I like I hear myself speak, you know, in your brain like, but when you hear yourself, it sounds different. I guess. I don't mind listening to myself. But yeah, I don't know. I don't think that I sound like what I sound like when I listen.

Scott Benner 40:35
No, no, no, I sound so right now we're recording, I can hear you and me and my headphones. I sound different in my headphones than I sound on the recording. And if I'm just speaking out into the world, I don't think I sound like the person on the podcast at all, but people think I do. But in my ear, it doesn't sound the same. Although And do you ever get on you ever? You ever say anything and hear yourself and go? Oh, Jenny, you should not have said it. You should have said it like this? Do you ever correct yourself?

Jennifer Smith, CDE 41:01
I do? Absolutely. And a lot of the ones that I've listened to don't like, oh, this would have been a better explanation. Or I could have put this in as an example. And that would have been better. So maybe we Yes, I think it's great to sort of rethink them. Because then we can add extra and

Scott Benner 41:15
I agree that there's there's just always going to be other stuff to say. And as we move forward into 2022, and beyond more people are going to be using algorithms. And there's going to be a whole new layer of understanding for diabetes, there's going to be things that you and I don't have an experience yet that, that through these experiences over and over again of using this technology, you're gonna come out I don't see an end to this podcast, I used to think it was finite. And now I think somebody is gonna need to, you know, make up a cure for this podcast not to be necessary.

Jennifer Smith, CDE 41:47
So Well, that's what I was gonna say I don't think until there's honestly a true like, you don't have to use any technology or anything. You just go in and get your bloodwork done and make sure your doctors like yep, you still look great. It's all perfect. I don't think you know the information that people need, especially with life changing and everything. I think it's purposeful. So

Scott Benner 42:10
I do too. I appreciate you doing this with me. It's the end of the year. So let me thank you for giving your time so greatly to the podcast.

A huge thanks to Jennifer Smith, my good friend for being on this episode of The Juicebox Podcast. Actually, Jenny does the podcast for fun, but she also does this stuff for a living. So if you'd like to hire her, you can at integrated diabetes.com After the music. I'll give you some agenda specifics. Don't forget the Facebook page for the podcast Juicebox Podcast, type one diabetes 20,000 people strong, just like you looking for advice, community and support from people who understand. Please take advantage of it. It's absolutely free, and really valuable.

My friend Jenny Smith has had type one diabetes for over 33 years. She holds a bachelor's degree in Human Nutrition and biology from the University of Wisconsin. She's a registered and licensed dietitian and certified diabetes educator and a certified trainer and most makes and models of insulin pumps and continuous glucose monitoring systems. She is also on every one of the diabetes pro tip and defining diabetes episodes. You can find those episodes in your podcast player. We're at Juicebox Podcast comm I actually think there's a list on the Facebook page to up in the Announcements section. Is that what they're calling it now that used to call it all a sudden? I'll find out for you. And then I'm going to tell you about the other stuff that you need to know. Yeah, so if you're on the private Facebook group, they call it featured now used to be announcements now it's featured. So if you go to the featured section, you'll find lists of the pro tips how to start listening to the podcast, defining diabetes, all kinds of stuff that you need. Actually, there's lists of ask Scott and Jenny episodes here. All kinds of good stuff. You should check it out. Look at there's so much to choose from special episodes after dark how we eat okay, I'm not going to bore you with this. But by the way, it's not boring. I'm just trying to fill you in. Are you arguing? am I arguing with nobody? Hold on a second. I want to tell you about the diabetes pro tips. So they began back on episode 210. With an episode called newly diagnosed or starting over, I'm going to try to list them for you pretty quickly. Episode 211 all about MDI episode 212 all about insulin episode 217 Pre-Bolus Episode 218 Temp Basal 219 Insulin pumping to 24 mastering a CGM to 25 Bumping nuts To 26 the perfect Bolus to 31 variables to 37 setting Basal insulin 256 exercise to 263 fat and protein 287 illness injury and surgery 301 glucagon and low V Gs 307 Emergency Room protocols 311 long term health 350 Bump and nudge part two 360 for pregnancy 371 explaining type one that's for other people like so you can share it with like a family member, a loved one who needs to understand type one 449 postpartum 470 weight loss and this episode 608 And there's going to be more in fact, there'll be another one next month on female hormones. Thank you so much for listening. If this is your first episode, please subscribe or follow in an audio app of your choosing. Apple podcasts, Spotify, Amazon music anywhere you get audio. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast.

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#607 The Famous Mister Ed

Ed is an adult living with type 1 diabetes.

You can always listen to the Juicebox Podcast here but the cool kids use: Apple Podcasts/iOS - Spotify - Amazon Music - Google Play/Android - iHeart Radio -  Radio Public, Amazon Alexa or wherever they get audio.

+ Click for EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 607 of the Juicebox Podcast.

On this episode of The Juicebox Podcast, I'll be speaking with Ed, who is an adult type one. He's also a parent, husband, and a number of other things that we get into. He said a lot of things as a lot of things. And he's a person like you like me just trying to get by. I'm just kidding. Ed's great. We're gonna have a good time. Please remember while you're listening, that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming bold with insulin.

Just now, I realized I could have named the episode Mr. Ed. I still could I guess. The amazing Mr. Ed. Is that how the horse is a horse? Of course, of course. The Baba, I can't think it is on Mr. Ed. Song. Unless the horse is the famous Mr. At the famous Mr. Ed, should I call it that? I don't know. We'll see.

This episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by the Contour Next One blood glucose meter. You can learn more about that wonderful little meter at contour next one.com. Forward slash Juicebox. Podcast is also sponsored by touched by type one. And they're of course available to you for your viewing and reading and looking pleasure on Instagram, Facebook, and it touched by type one.org.

Ed 2:03
My name is Ed. I'm 48 years old. I've been a type one diabetic since 2000. So with that being said, Scott, now you have to figure out how old I was when I got it. Wait, I do. I was going to how you look. I know how you love doing math. Well,

Scott Benner 2:18
I went the easy way. And I was like you've had it for 21 years. It's easy that way. What did you say? How old were you when you're diagnosed?

Ed 2:28
I was just about to turn 28.

Scott Benner 2:32
You're 49?

Ed 2:33
I'm about to turn 49 September 1.

Scott Benner 2:37
All right. Okay. See? You gave it away. You were 2728

Ed 2:42
Yeah, it's 21 years.

Scott Benner 2:44
So you've been on it that long.

Ed 2:47
Yeah. And for the first 1718 years. It was okay. I'm not gonna say it was great. Wasn't a great diabetic, but I wasn't a bad diabetic. I tried to eat okay. But my problem was I never tested myself as much as I should have and and without a CGM that I have now not having any idea of what my blood sugar was in between meals, or through the night or anything like that. So it's been much better now for the last three years for sure.

Scott Benner 3:18
So let's put this into context. Because my no messing around, throws me off. So in 2000 year, how old

Ed 3:25
I am about to turn 28 I just started a new job had just started a new job yet, and moved back to New York from Texas where I was working in another job and I flew back to New York for another job.

Scott Benner 3:38
And your accent must have stuck out in Texas like a sore thumb, huh?

Ed 3:41
A little bit. Sure.

Scott Benner 3:46
Okay, so 2020 years old. The technology I mean, the testing technology exists then.

Ed 3:55
Yeah, I mean, we had a mere it was like the first meter I got it was, like 30 seconds to get the reading. Which is I mean, we just sitting there 30 seconds seems like a long time we just waiting for the you know, countdown 28.76 And then then the fight you find out your number.

Scott Benner 4:13
And you had I'm sorry, I mean to cut you off, but you probably had a you probably had homolog or something at that point, right?

Ed 4:19
Yes. I was on obviously MBI for the first six months or so using human log and Cuba when human Okay, which I think is just like a long acting one

Scott Benner 4:29
right. Now, you said you did this thing that that a lot of adults that have had type one for a while do it's super interesting. Me. You were like it was going okay. Like I don't know what that means.

Ed 4:41
Yeah. It was going okay. I don't know how else to say I mean, I wasn't I wasn't having many, many lows for sure. You know, but I was probably running higher than you'd want to. You'd want it to be, but especially if I was looking at my numbers now and back then I'd be like, What the hell was I doing?

Scott Benner 4:59
Well, So that's what I usually think of right is when they when when you guys say when you guys have now lumped together everyone has had diabetes for like 15 or 20 bucks. We're all just one group. Yeah, I don't mean it that way. But but the people, the people I've spoken to when they say that I feel like what they mean is, I didn't get dizzy and I didn't pass out. Right? Is that how you felt about it?

Ed 5:24
I yeah, I guess I mean, at the time, I wasn't, I didn't want to say I didn't take it seriously. But I wasn't taking it too seriously. I knew what I had to do. I took my shots when I had to, I tried to watch what I ate. And I just tried to live as normal as I could, I didn't really try to let it you know, hold me back from doing anything.

Scott Benner 5:44
Right. I that's the other thing that people love to say is like, diabetes doesn't hold me back. And I always think of, like, when you say that to me, if you said to me, Hey, Scott, I see that diabetes doesn't hold Arden back in my mind that paints a picture of somebody with really stable blood sugars, who doesn't get low when they're active, and can do things on a whim, you know, can stand up and say, I'm gonna go out now, and it's not a big deal. And I have had the feeling over the years to talking to adults who have had type one for a long time that when they say didn't hold me back, what they meant was, is I just did stuff. It didn't matter what my blood sugar was. Correct? Right.

Ed 6:24
I'd say that's a fair statement. Is

Scott Benner 6:26
it okay for you? And obviously, I'm not lumping everybody together. But for me, yeah,

Ed 6:29
yes. There was never a time. Where is it? Oh, wait, I can't do that. I gotta take a toll of something real quick. Never.

Scott Benner 6:36
But in context, it means if your blood sugar was 250, you would have just gone out to dinner anyway. Yep. And then your mind. diabetes wasn't holding you back.

Ed 6:45
Right? Yeah. And if I was a 250, and I was allowed to eat all right, let me just give myself a correction. Oh, at the time, and just go, and then probably wouldn't test myself again until hours after dinner or before bed.

Scott Benner 6:58
See, you're you're you're cementing my, my thought that diabetes doesn't hold me back means I'm just not going to pay attention. I

Ed 7:07
know. Well, I guess I guess, I guess I was never really that bad. Right? I mean, my, my agency has always fluctuated between mid to high sixes and a top out of being the highest 8.2.

Scott Benner 7:22
So for me, it's context, right? And I shouldn't joke around because I don't want anybody to take it the wrong way. But back then, or even 10 years or 20 years prior to that everybody's experience with diabetes is different based on the timeline. Like, sure, you really weren't being held back and you were doing the things that you were asked to do. But now in hindsight, the way you manage now, you can look back and think, oh, wow, like, that's not nearly what it could have been.

Ed 7:50
Exactly. And I wonder about did I cause myself any damage?

Scott Benner 7:53
I would imagine you think about that. Yeah. But you know, but I mean, I don't

Ed 7:57
I still have, you know, I saw all the feelings in my feet and stuff like that, you know, the doctors always try to test that. I don't have I don't I don't have any other ailments that I would think that would have been caused by any damage I might have done to myself, right.

Scott Benner 8:13
But even as I'm saying what I just said, like you recognize to like you were probably doing as well as you could have done with the technology that existed at that point.

Ed 8:21
Yes. I mean, I could probably test it a little bit more often. Okay. But but at the time, all I had was a meter. And at the time, my Medtronic pump,

Scott Benner 8:32
Was it really that much of a hassle to test?

Ed 8:36
I'm a lazy guy, Scott. When it comes to stuff like that, when it comes to stuff like that, I mean, you know, but

Scott Benner 8:43
in the moment, do you not connect testing more with living longer and being healthy? No, I say,

Ed 8:50
I just was just doing something. And then oh, I got to eat. Maybe I shouldn't. And then a next meeting, and I didn't even test myself.

Scott Benner 8:58
I gotcha. It because when I think about it with Arden prior to CGM, we tested frequently, I'd say. I'd say honestly, we might have tested Arden between 10 and 14 times a day before CGM, like I was trying to act like a CGM before I even knew what one was. Right?

Ed 9:15
Well, and good. That's being a good parent.

Scott Benner 9:18
Well, your well is I was definitely just scared. Oh, for sure.

Ed 9:22
And I'm sure you've said it a lot. And a lot of people, a lot of people we've interviewed said the same thing. I was glad I got it as an adult. It's my parents wouldn't have to take care of me.

Scott Benner 9:33
Yeah, I can see that. I've also heard people say that listening to the podcast as an adult with type one makes them wish that things were like this now. So their parents, I think they're now seeing how impactful it is on parents. And they wonder if their parents weren't impacted similarly, but didn't have the tools to do anything about it.

Ed 9:55
For sure, yeah. Why or was that we just said I believe the correct statement

Scott Benner 10:00
Sure, yeah. So your your, your parents don't know a thing about your diabetes property.

Ed 10:04
Uh, I mean, they, my mom has passed for the last 10 years. But she would always, not really ask me about him just didn't really want to say didn't care. She definitely cared. But it was never a topic of conversation. Really?

Scott Benner 10:20
No, there's like, so it's somewhere more impactful than Ed needs to take a multivitamin every day. But yes, yeah, they don't really understand the details

Ed 10:30
of it. Right. And I'm thinking about this even at that time. I didn't understand that either. I just said, you know, doctor said, take your take insulin, as you eat, and you'll be fine. Pretty much. I mean, that's the gist

Scott Benner 10:44
of it. What, what stands in the way of the understanding, is it that the internet didn't exist? The way it does now, like what? Like, I got

Ed 10:55
to be good. I didn't even look up on the internet about type one diabetes, or, or obviously, Facebook didn't even exist at the time. So it just I just kind of just would, if I did, I tested myself. I said, All right, I'm gonna have this this much food, and we put them out in the carbs. I'm gonna eat into my pump and let it go. And then not know about anything else until eight again and tested again. Yeah. So knowing what I know now, and how insulin works from listening to your podcast. Oh, maybe Pre-Bolus in 30 minutes before that, I'll probably help.

Scott Benner 11:33
What made you look for more information this late in the game?

Ed 11:38
I had went, I was always part of my, you know, generic type one diabetic group on Facebook. Nothing. You know, I was just looking at I was scrolled past it. But then I, about three years ago, I went to my doctor, I got my 8.2 A one C. And he said, Maybe you should go get maybe you should go get a CGM. So I went to the educator, we talked about it. And we switch my CGM and my pump at the same time. And since then, the fact that I could see my number and make little corrections at a time. It's been really, really, really good.

Scott Benner 12:18
So that seeing that data made you want to do a better job with it.

Ed 12:24
Absolutely. And at first, before I started listening to podcasts, I would just put the CGM on and not realizing why is jumping why spiking like that?

Scott Benner 12:35
How do you find the podcast?

Ed 12:38
It was okay. So when I got when I switched to the Dexcom and the Omnipod, I joined the group on Facebook, probably it was like Omnipod, Dexcom users or something like that, right? And somebody had mentioned your podcast. And I said, Okay, I'm not I was never a big podcast listener. But about the same maybe three months, four months later, I got a Fitbit. So I'm going for walk so I can see my see my steps and and then I started listening to podcasts on my walks.

Scott Benner 13:09
You know, it's funny, people get healthy listening to the podcast, I'm sitting here. Melton to this chair. Oh, I gotta get out. But, you know,

Ed 13:19
I also got a Fitbit at the time, because it was able to, I was able to see my CGM data. So it was and then it's always telling you, oh, we got to get 1000 more steps, you got to get 7000 more steps. So I go from all walks. And then I needed something to do while listening while I was walking. So I listen to podcast, right?

Scott Benner 13:38
So I can recall, this is interesting, because you're a person who I've been aware of for a really long time. And it's easier for me to keep track of men, because they're fewer, like mental math.

Ed 13:52
I'm you been aware of me? No, no,

Scott Benner 13:55
I hope that sounds right. A lot of knobs passed by my face. And so some of them stick for just it's because my brain works oddly, and my brain makes rhymes up about some people's names. But the men are easier to track. Because there's just fewer of them. It's not as common for guys to reach out to me. So I can almost picture myself sitting in my living room getting a message from you, probably through Facebook. Yep, the first time and you were excited. Like to you were excited to reach out and not that other people aren't usually but I remember thinking that at the time. Do you recall that?

Ed 14:38
I never said Do I just come back to the doctor's office after maybe for four or five months on the Omnipod and Dexcom. And I went from an 8.2 to a 5.2. And that was the lowest it's ever been. And what really aggravated me a little bit was the doctor was like there's no way you could do that. What else Without going into having lows. Now if I can just back up a little bit, this doctor I've had probably seen for six years never looked at my numbers ever. Just so my CGM, so my a onesie, right? So what kind of care is that really given me, you know, but to me though I would go, he tells me my agency, he will give me my prescriptions I go on my way.

Scott Benner 15:22
Are you in the city? No, I'm on young. Okay. I always get when in the city, it's rushed. But on Long Island, you should,

Ed 15:32
it's always rushed. You know, they try to book three appointments at the same time. You get 333 to five minutes. And then, you know, you know how it

Scott Benner 15:41
goes, Yeah, you're right out. I have to tell you that one of the best parts of my day is that people pretty consistently send me their, like lab stuff when they come out of their doctor's appointments. Right? And it's, it really feels good. I have to tell you, I get to feel good a lot. I might be one day this, this whole thing will end. And I'll be like, You know what, let me use a music example. You'll really get it, I'll be Lenny Dykstra, like, all the fans will be gone, nobody will be cheering and I'll just be running around like doing flow and gambled away all my money trying to find the excitement that I used to have with my diabetes.

Ed 16:19
But I just got I don't, it's, I think you got to keep this podcast going as long as you feel like doing it. Because there's always gonna be new parents that that have to have to you have to handle the kids with the newly diagnosed and you're gonna be there for that.

Scott Benner 16:35
I also think there's always going to be adults who've had type one for 15 or 20 years and have some sort of a reckoning moment and are running around trying to figure out what to do now. I have no, I have no plans on stopping the podcast. I really do love it. Well, what else you got to do right now? Bear with me? Just sitting here. Right? But But um, but I do. It's funny. I talked to my son about this all the time, like when athletes quit? How difficult it must be for them to no longer get adulation? And why? Why some of them? I think go bonkers. Sometimes, you know, later. And

Ed 17:07
it's funny you say that? You know, I probably I mentioned to at one point my both my sons. They're 11 and 12. They play baseball. And I take them to hitting trainer. And I in the trainer, I asked them. How much do you miss playing baseball right now? And he goes, I can't believe I'm not doing it anymore. Yeah, I just I just I don't have the ability to so great. It's like, what you keep doing something. You can't not think about not doing it anymore. Yeah, we that makes sense.

Scott Benner 17:39
No, yesterday, Colin, I went out to throw. And that's a fallacy he throws I catch the ball on a drop in the bucket. But there's somebody out there as well as an adult with their younger kids probably like freshman high school age, and the kids were running and he was timing them. I don't know why it doesn't matter. But as I was walking away, the guy said to my son, like you play baseball, and he goes, Yeah, and and guy asked him where Cole told him. And then they started talking. I could hear Cole as I was walking away, talking about how much he loves playing baseball. And he's kind of a quiet person. So in two seconds, he opened up to a complete stranger and was telling him how much he loved it.

Ed 18:20
That's easy. And you're hoping he gets a new playing as long as again, because you know,

Scott Benner 18:26
you got a knock on something there because either your talent gets in the way your age gets in the way or you break something or, or something the wrong way. So yeah, great.

Ed 18:35
I think you had mentioned at one time in the podcast, how how many people play baseball as kids? And how many stop playing when they go to high school? And then how many stopped playing when they get to college? And then how many stop after that? Yeah. And then number is this like astronomical? And the fact that somebody can make it to the major leagues?

Scott Benner 18:52
Yeah, no, no, how could they have to be I'm astonished by that constantly that the year my son started playing baseball, 4 million American kids started playing T ball. And in Little League, and when Cole went into college as a freshman, 9000 of those 4 million kids went to play college baseball. And I think after that, you know, to the pros, it's 3000 maybe less. You know, if fewer than that it's um it's an interesting way to keep competing. It's something I think it's good for you like psychologically I'm saying once you make it and people are screaming in your ear and you're like, I am amazing. Like is there I'll joke like sometimes privately by myself in my room or I'll wander past my wife or something like that. But you know, getting back to it when when a person you've never met before 3456 10 times a day, different people send notes going hey my A once he went from a two to five to thank you, the podcast, whatever the note says. It's important to me not to minimize that, like that interaction. So I don't I don't receive them. I go, Oh, here's another one. Like you don't I mean, I don't feel that way. And I and I, even if I felt that way, I gotta be honest with you. I wouldn't tell you, but I don't feel that because I think it would sound like I'm

Ed 20:12
sure it makes you feel good. It's it's exciting that you that you've helped at least one person. And but now you've helped 1000s of people probably.

Scott Benner 20:21
Yeah, I hope so. I hope it's I hope it's way more than I even know about.

Ed 20:25
And it was. It's just, it's the basic concepts that you've always said. It was the first podcast I listened to. So it's always sticks to me. And I don't remember which episode it wasn't anything like that. But it was you Basal has to be right. Timing, insulin, and the amount of insulin. And that's it.

Scott Benner 20:45
I've added now like, understanding the different impacts of foods and staying Oh, the bowl and but yeah, I joke sometimes people are like, Oh, the podcast is so popular. I was like I to be honest with you. The podcast can be six minutes long and one episode, you know, but I don't think any but but, but that but no one would take it seriously, then it would sound right. And it would sound like that can't be right. And plus, I think the other stuff, these conversations just with you and like you don't realize it right now. But you just said something in the last 20 minutes. That will make an adult with type one want to do better? It helps Oh 100% You're like I'd now now know how this works like I can I now understand how this works. And even I that's why I'm always amused when I'll stop recording with somebody in there. Like if you don't want to run that I'll understand. I'm like what? Like, well, I didn't say anything was like you don't even know what you just did? Like you share. You know,

Ed 21:45
that was my reservation over even coming on the podcast. I'm like, What do I have to say? It's not gonna be exciting.

Scott Benner 21:52
Listen, you're a person who you keep like you send me your A onesies? I would say consistently, right?

Ed 21:59
Pretty much. Yeah, cuz I said, I said I'll say it every time cuz you're the only person actually make me understood why what I was doing. No locker has ever said Pre-Bolus for 30 minutes before you eat. Maybe check yourself if the doctors ever said that.

Scott Benner 22:16
Why don't we just pay attention a little bit? Yeah. That's fascinating. Because can you look back retrospectively? Would you have if someone made it important to you? Do you think

Ed 22:30
I I might have, but somebody who said you should really take insulin for about 30 minutes or 20 minutes for you. That would have definitely stuck in me casted myself aboard the time. I don't know.

Scott Benner 22:46
You might not have done that. I have to tell you, Arden you know at this point. I mean, I remember before CGM. I must have tested Arden's blood sugar 10,000 times, you know, in a handful of years, like I mean, a lot. And now, her fingers have recovered. Because I mean, look not for nothing. I don't I said this probably once or twice, but make bear repeating. I wouldn't let anybody test my blood sugar when Arden was little, because I had a real genuine fear that if I knew what it felt like, and I thought it hurt, that I wouldn't be able to do it to her. And I was always doing it to her, so I wouldn't do it, right. And then that morphed as she got older, and suddenly, like testing your blood sugar. She didn't care at all anymore. Right? And so I tested mine, and I have to be honest with you like when that Lance goes in, it ain't fun.

Ed 23:43
So it's definitely not. I mean, but I just remember this one time, I was going to a family barbecue. And I was giving myself in my in my insulin, as I was in the car, and my cousin comes out and goes, I can't believe I can never get myself shots. I go, well, the alternate is. Is that all die? Yeah. Like, if I don't, so. I bet you. Yeah, probably. If you don't, you know? Or yeah, something would really, really be wrong with you by now,

Scott Benner 24:14
but maybe by our people who wouldn't, too. Well, I mean, or do it less frequently to avoid it and maybe that leads to higher blood sugars or stuff. Yes.

Ed 24:24
I mean, I'm sure there's the you know, I said I never was a horrible, I hate the hate. Horrible diabetic. I was never that bad. I just had a heart just I was just lazy about testing myself. I always give my insulin. I would always try to try to eat but then like the testing thing taught would get in the way of like whatever I was doing or

Scott Benner 24:43
were you married when you were diagnosed? I was

Ed 24:47
just married since then divorced and remarried.

Scott Benner 24:50
Okay, deal of this so much did it again.

Ed 24:55
I say this all the time. You making mistakes in your 20s you fix them in 30s and your 40s guy actually sought to live happily. Without me. What happier?

Scott Benner 25:06
Yeah. So you agree with me when you hear me say like, I think I've just started to turn into a person in the last five or so years?

Ed 25:12
Yes, yeah. Just a yes, yes.

Scott Benner 25:17
But my point is that you were busy. Right? So you didn't you didn't? Your kids aren't with your first wife. Is that right?

Ed 25:24
My, my daughters are older. Oh, I have two daughters that are older. And they are 28 and 22. Oh, so you have four kids, then? I have four kids.

Scott Benner 25:34
I see. I think of you as having. Hopefully your daughters will never listen to this, I think of you of having to because you mentioned the boys and baseball. Like that's why

Ed 25:43
well that. My daughters are older. So they're kind of living their own lives. I have. And I have a grandson now was six months old. Wow. Which is, which is I was as being only 4048 I was like, There's no way I could be a grandfather. I'm never gonna be called grandpa ever.

Scott Benner 26:02
They're gonna call you grandpa. Are you? Yeah, yes. And your smile, and that's gonna be the end of it. So yep. Oh, that's kind of that's kind of crazy. Is there any autoimmune stuff with your family line or with your children?

Ed 26:15
Nope. Nope. Not I know of not yet interest. And that's always been my fear that my daughters are gonna be my daughters or my sons are gonna get type one.

Scott Benner 26:24
Well, they would you look like would you do trial that for your boys? You wouldn't

Ed 26:29
know? No, I don't want I don't want to have the idea of, you know, the thought about them getting it and knowing they're gonna get it. I just, I'm just gonna have to happen.

Scott Benner 26:37
Okay, and then you'll just you'll you'll see it coming. And then

Ed 26:41
yes, obviously know the signs, you know, drinking 1000 gallons of water, peeing all the time losing weight.

Scott Benner 26:48
Guess what? You've got diabetes? Yep. Do your do your girls. Are they aware of it? Like, do you think they think about it?

Ed 26:58
No. I mean, they they think about the fact that I have it. And maybe some of the things I have to do take care of it. But they don't. I don't think they're worried about getting it at all.

Scott Benner 27:07
Interesting. Okay. No, makes sense. Oh, here's a non sequitur. When you hear me tell people that their bagels are terrible. You know you like not?

Ed 27:18
Yep. And pizza as well. The pizza. Yeah. And you don't understand that. They're really is in the next three to four months, probably probably even sooner than that. But by the time this gets listened to, I will be living in Tampa, Florida.

Scott Benner 27:32
Oh, are you moving for good for work? For work? Yep. Yeah. So there's a pizza place in Tampa that the last time I was there, they trucked the water down from New York.

Ed 27:44
So I hear that a lot. Are they really doing that? It was good.

Scott Benner 27:47
I thought I thought I was home when I was eating it.

Ed 27:51
Are they really? Are they really shipping in water? People say they say that all the time. But are they really doing that? That's what

Scott Benner 27:57
they said. That's what my buddies I don't know. You know?

Ed 28:01
Mom was like boxing up pictures of water. And

Scott Benner 28:04
imagine it's in a truck. But now that I'm thinking about it, the guy I went with is a is a lifelong New Yorker. And it was almost like going for a pizza with a mob. Don, the way you talk. They bring it down from the truck. So maybe

Ed 28:24
I will say that that's what they do.

Scott Benner 28:27
I have to say, I have to admit it. I'm gonna shout him out right here. I'll never hear this. But Charles is one of my favorite people that I don't see enough. But who introduced me to the phrase, the juice isn't worth the squeeze. And the way and the way he says it's so much cooler than when I said,

Ed 28:43
Oh, yeah, I'm sure it is. I probably couldn't say cool, either. So I'm right. I'm right with

Scott Benner 28:49
you. That's crazy. So how do you manage now like, what do you have the pumps?

Ed 28:54
I have Omnipod and Dexcom 36 on the pod and I'm going to say if I didn't know about the other part of the time I was looking at pumps, I probably would have went with the T slim. Okay, but the pan and whatever it's called because of the integration with the pump. The public CGM.

Scott Benner 29:15
How long have you had how long you since you made that switch? A couple years?

Ed 29:19
Three years. Okay. So you probably probably six, six months after I first contacted you.

Scott Benner 29:24
Alright. And so you were looking at that because of back then? It was

Ed 29:30
I was it. What did they I was on a Medtronic. I was on Medtronic. Right. And it just I felt like it almost stopped working. I don't know if that's the right term. I think it was because I was only using my stomach over and over and over and over again, I say and the absorption just didn't seem like there was it was working.

Scott Benner 29:51
Yeah, that'll happen. You have to keep moving your sights around. Yes.

Ed 29:55
So good. With Omni pod. Obviously you can put it any way you want. So I've been on Omnipod and Dexcom 36 For three years

Scott Benner 30:06
for you. When when you were looking originally though, you said you were thinking about the tandem. And why did you go down if I,

Ed 30:11
if I had known about it, I went into my diabetic educator when my doctor said, Maybe you should go on a CGM. Okay. And she said, Well, here's that. Here's what the Medtronic looks like now. And here's what the Omnipod looks like. Those are the only two options like, you know, at the time, I, I'm sure there are others. But those are the options that were presented to me. So I had the fact that it was normally possible always tubeless got I don't have to get, I don't have to get stuck on a door handles. I'm running to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Scott Benner 30:41
Right. So I see. So you're saying that if you would have known about the integration with tandem that yes, that might have moved you over? Yes. But now it's

Ed 30:50
interesting at the time, at the time, I wasn't even like, I never really looked at all the pumps and or I tried to CGM once and I left the first time you referred to it as a hot tool needle.

Scott Benner 31:03
Because that Medtronic one was tough, huh?

Ed 31:06
Oh, it was I was like, There's no way I'm gonna insert this into me every time. So I did it twice, three times, maybe I maybe use it for a month, never see the match up with what my meter said and hurt like hell to put it into

Scott Benner 31:21
use abilities important. So this is an interesting thing, because had you gone tandem at first back then they just had Basal IQ Wait where it would have like to shut your Basal off to stop you from getting low. Now they have control, which is an algorithm and Omnipod is gonna come out. I mean, by the time this is out, I am very confident in saying that people are listening to this now on the pod five is available. So mine may listen, if I have to go back and edit that part out I'm gonna be praised that should definitely be out by then. But my point is different is that you didn't find an algorithm. So instead you found a podcast that you have an A one see right now that I don't know if an algorithm available retail could could meet

Listen, you're using insulin, you need a meter. You need a good meter. You need an accurate meter. You need a meter that's easy to carry. Easy to hold. Easy to see. Easy to use in the dark. You need a Contour. Next One blood glucose meter. Quick, top of your head. What kind of meter Do you have? Do you know the name of it? Have you looked into its accuracy? Have you found out if you're paying more for that meter, then you might be paying for a different one. A more accurate one? A Whoa. Yeah, haven't have you? Hmm. Oh, that's okay. I understand. Many people just take the meter that their doctor gives them. But you don't have to do that. You can use the meter that you want to use. Arden has been using the Contour Next One blood glucose meter for years now. And it is super accurate. completely reliable. The screen is easy to read. It's got a lightning fast like boom, like xinxing light, you know, I mean a light like for nighttime, nighttime viewing of the blood drop, I guess you are at nighttime viewing the blood drop. Anyway, the light is nice and bright. And it doesn't require a big blood drop. Almost cursed. Let me try again. I've made myself laugh Hold on. The meter just works. It's really great. It's easy to use and easy to carry. You should check it out contour next one.com forward slash juice box. It has Second Chance test strips. It's pretty great. Go find out what I mean the websites actually amazing too. And by amazing I mean it's a it's a website for a blood glucose meter. But it has a lot of great information. It's well designed and it's easy to get around. So you should check it out

Ed 34:13
my current doctor basically said the same thing. Because why you're doing it right now. I just want it so I can go to sleep and sleep through the night and not have to worry about alarm going off saying oh, your blood sugar's 68. Maybe you should get up and do something about

Scott Benner 34:27
it. Oh, it'll do that for sure. So what is and I haven't used on the pod five yet. This is interesting talking about the future when you're looking around. Arden does loop because loop lets you set targets lower. Arden has your a one C and she has all the stability. So what that says to me is that the retail available algorithms are able to accomplish that. I imagine if if the FDA if the companies would go back to the FDA and try to test again Lower tolerances, right. So you have to wonder if the companies are going to have the, the drive to do that or not. Because the the other side of it is that is that you throw on the pod five on most people, people who don't listen to this podcast, and you're going to take people with eight a one season 2681 CS, and they're not going to know how it happened. It's just going to be magic. And they're not going to get you know what I mean. And so, the ability to help vast swaths of people using insulin is right here, it exists. Now, you just got to get them on to people, will they? Will they want to make a super user version of it? I hope so. I really do. Or maybe it's manipulatable to the point where you can make some setting changes where you'll have lower outcomes, I don't know, because the only part five, from what I'm understanding is a learning system.

Ed 35:54
So it learns your habits is that it

Scott Benner 35:58
they say it makes different adjustments as time goes on. And so it's

Ed 36:03
not gonna have like all those gazillion settings. You got to do a loop now, or is it going to be I

Scott Benner 36:07
don't imagine that they're going to make, I mean, listen, the one thing to say about lupus, there are a lot of settings. And if you get them wrong, it doesn't work. So

Ed 36:16
yeah, that was I thought about when they first said, Oh, loop is available now for Omni pod and Dexcom. So I'm like, Oh, well, let me think about it. Yeah, but first, I didn't have an Apple computer. So that was pretty much out of out of out of the,

Scott Benner 36:30
I think, yeah, I think just being Do It Yourself would would move most people away from it. i It scares the hell out of me still.

Ed 36:37
I mean, I'm not like computer illiterate, but I'm not a programmer. So but I was able to build my own Nightscout Nightscout account, I was able to do that. So I can follow directions. But then then, as it went on people, oh, it would stop working. And you had to get you had to get this. You have to get this rilink from some guy, you know, wherever he's go something out of his garage. I mean, I don't I don't, but I hear it just seemed a little bit. Maybe. Maybe I'll just wait.

Scott Benner 37:10
Right, right. Oh, listen, had had

Ed 37:12
it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to sit on anybody who does this? No. I mean, I'm happy that they're doing it. Just for me. I don't I just I'll just wait.

Scott Benner 37:22
100% I think you're I felt exactly the same way. And

Ed 37:27
if people you have a great you have a great resource that you can call in anytime you

Scott Benner 37:30
want. Yeah, there's people who are willing to help me, which is nice. But maybe a month or so ago Arden's phone died. Finally she had, she doesn't replace them constantly. So her phone was pretty old. And it just she comes to me one day, I've been telling her for six months, we have to, you know, your phone is done. And she's like, No, but

Ed 37:47
it's great color. She's a teenager and doesn't want to get a new phone. Now she

Scott Benner 37:51
liked her phone, she didn't want a new phone. So one day, she goes, Hey, like real, begrudgingly, she comes to me, she goes, I think we better get rid of this phone. I was like, Oh, she must have seen something pretty sketchy happened. So we go to the store. And we say we're going to trade the phone in the train, the phone had value, and we were going to get money back for it. And so we go in, and we're like, look, we need to trade in the phone, we're gonna buy a new one. But you can't have the phone right now. We can bring it back in a few hours. And the guy's like, why don't like her pancreas is on this phone, basically. So we trade in the phone, I don't get the money. I go home, get the new phone set up, I have to make a build of the app for loop and put it on a new phone, then get the whole thing switched over get it running correctly. And once it was working right and everything was switched over. I was like, Okay, give me your other phone. I'll blank it out. And I'll take it and and get my money in which I did. But it was a lot of work. And it's more than what I think you would expect what most people would expect. I think that most people would want a retail version of this. Like I download an app from the App Store. I turn it on it pairs to the thing the thing works, or it comes with its own controller they and it's prepared or what like you don't mean like no one's looking to build an app in you know, some program and have to own an Apple computers that you can be an I'm an app developer, for God's sakes because my daughter's on loop, right? I had to buy an app. It's too much. I'm not gonna lie to you. It's too much. You know what I mean? But the damn thing works amazing.

Ed 39:28
Think about the people who I I'm astonished by the people who actually take the time to do that, and then let everybody else know about it too. Is that's incredible.

Scott Benner 39:39
Yeah, people are inherently good. At least some of them are and you wouldn't think sometimes you get you're on you're out on Long Island you think everybody's an ass but you said oh, you only have to drive there once to not like people anymore. That's for certain but

Ed 39:59
I I'd say like though I like most dogs, more than most people

Scott Benner 40:03
cold played baseball out, like hours deep on the island one time. And this will happen, maybe, but I hated the drive out there. And the drive home. Like, once you get like, you finally get off the island you come up to I'm not accustomed that spacers all those bridges, and it just looks like, it looks like somebody took a handful of spaghetti through to the wall, and then said, that's what the road should look like. And

Ed 40:29
just Yeah. It makes you feel any better. We feel the same way about driving to Jersey.

Scott Benner 40:34
So imagine you do. Like I've never been so happy to be on the New Jersey Turnpike in my life as I was coming back from there. Oh my God, finally, just a regular amount of insanity.

Ed 40:46
Yes, I'll agree with that. I'll give you that

Scott Benner 40:48
there are people all over the Midwest listening to this who could never like you guys would never understand what traffic is. It's just feeling like you're just, you've got a hold of the steering wheel. And you're like, every decision I make could be my last.

Ed 41:03
Yes. And just and just sometimes the the anger of just sitting on a light and then knowing you only got to go about three feet when the light turns green.

Scott Benner 41:12
Yeah. No, nobody should live here. You'll probably enjoy Tampa much more except for I hope so. Yeah. Anyway, so the algorithms right, like, they're the future, I'm confident. I am 100% confident they are, I am thrilled about on the pot five coming out, it's going to go into most people and be an amazing change for them. And I hope I hope that adults living with type one who are fighting through sevens and eights will have the, the the ability and the nerve. And the kind of you know, enthusiasm to try it because it's it's gonna be astounding. I'm sure control like us the same way. You know, like in different it gets there a different way. But I'm sure it will be a great improvement for people. So yeah,

Ed 41:59
the thing is with the algorithm, if my blood sugar starts going up, I don't want to let the algorithm just take care of it. I want him to take care of myself at that at that moment.

Scott Benner 42:12
So you don't want to slowly go after you want to be more aggressive about it.

Ed 42:15
Yes, yeah. So a lot of times, I'll just oh, I'm gonna go for like a 15 minute walk or something if I have the time, and that usually brings it back down, or starts getting it back down where I want it to be.

Scott Benner 42:26
Right? Yeah, we're making, you know, I don't know how Omnipod five is going to work yet, because I haven't seen it. But I assume it's going to work through Basal increases. And the version of loop that we use doesn't work through Basal increases, it works through boluses. Okay, so the the original version of loop that we had, if I'm getting this wrong, I apologize to the loopers. But I think that would be Pete's version makes adjustments by Basal. And it worked great, but it was too slow. Like it didn't stop spikes quickly enough. It didn't bring them down quickly enough. Like for me. I think I use Ivan's version now. And that one, when that one sees a rise, it makes a Bolus. Okay, see, that's pretty legit, the way that works,

Ed 43:13
and the fact you know, the fact that you that personal Do you have like I said, they they have somebody who's just making this stuff and giving it to you is great. But if I was to use it, I would think I would probably only use it at night. Because I think I'm very good at keeping my blood sugar where I want it without having to do anything else.

Scott Benner 43:32
So when we started, I would say to people, it's really valuable overnight, but during the day, I do a much better job than it does. But right and I really taught myself how to think about insulin within the loop system. And now I know how to use it and keep it open.

Ed 43:50
I guess I guess we have the user for a while. You will you're gonna understand that better and be able to use it the way you want it to work.

Scott Benner 43:58
Yeah. Yeah. And I I'm excited for on the podcast, actually. They just it's interesting. You brought it up, because I, you didn't have any notes for today. And I didn't know what the hell we were gonna talk about. But I just got an email like an hour ago. That was double checking on my NDA for Omnipod. Five, from insolate. Nice. So that must mean if I'm guessing that must mean that we're going to see it here pretty soon.

Ed 44:28
That's fantastic. Is there? I'm sure you'll have an episode about how it works.

Scott Benner 44:31
Well, as soon as the NDA lifts. Yeah. But I think it's possible. I'm going to get it to use it before other people. So I won't be able to talk about why I'm doing it but just so special. Well, I don't think it's titled like that's why I think I think it's I think it's slowly because I reach a lot of people and and I've been telling insulet for years as this has been developed. You know, that I thought there was value in me knowing how to use it. Before was on the, you know, before everybody was holding it in their hands, you know, because I said there are going to be a fair amount of people are going to turn to me and say, I don't know how to use this and you don't want me learning it at the same time they're learning it. I was like, so it might only end up being weeks. You know what I mean? That I have it, you know, ahead of other people. It's not like I'm gonna have it for six months before other people.

Ed 45:21
But definitely that people did you go on loop because people were pestering you to do an episode about it.

Scott Benner 45:27
There's a there's one woman specifically, I just, I just actually recorded with her recently. And she, you know, came on and talked about why she pestered me about it. And it was the same reason she's like, I need you to understand this so I can understand it better. So it was her she's like, I'll help you build it. I'll get you on it. Like you just please. Please, like, learn how to use this so you can talk about it.

Ed 45:50
I need you to learn it. So you could teach me about it.

Scott Benner 45:54
It's uh, it was it was a, it ended up being a really great thing are names Gina. She'll be on her episode. I'm sure by the time somebody hears yours will have been up for a while.

Ed 46:04
Well, I don't expect my episode about till probably this time next year.

Scott Benner 46:09
No, no, you'll be around Christmas or so. New York holiday treat. But what she did ends up being I mean, it was, it was amazing. Because the one thing I learned about algorithms are they let you sleep. And I've been sleeping really well for a couple of years now. And it's

Ed 46:33
I mean, that's, that's all I want.

Scott Benner 46:37
Your like, half a one see if I can sleep through the night.

Ed 46:41
But it's just you know, other times I'll just sleep because I'm just stare at the walls thinking about things I can't control. And, and then oh, then my blood sugar goes low. And now I'm up because of that.

Scott Benner 46:51
Yeah, you have that? Are you one of those people like you your brain starts talking to you when you try to go to sleep.

Ed 46:59
Doesn't that oh, that doesn't happen. Everybody.

Scott Benner 47:01
Oh, man. When it's time for me to go to sleep, I shut my eyes. I go to sleep. The world could be coming to an end. And I'm like, Well, I hope my wife,

Ed 47:07
my wife the same way. Yeah, we'll be laying in bed. I'm sorry. I'm gonna go brush my teeth. By atomic come back. She's asleep. And I'm just looking at us sleeping peacefully, and I'm just awake thinking about things I can't control.

Scott Benner 47:20
No kidding. Would you talk about that for a second? What is it? Like? What are some of the things that most like frequently popped into your head?

Ed 47:28
This you know, I got to make sure I got to make enough money to pay the bills. I got to make sure that the the oil in the car gets changed stupid stuff, things like that. It just I don't know why think about it. Just do

Scott Benner 47:42
so you're not worried about like a comet hitting the planet or something? No,

Ed 47:45
no, no, not now. Now I'm going to be thinking about that tonight. Probably.

Scott Benner 47:50
Car won't need oil and that situation,

Ed 47:52
right? I mean, I'm just using those stupid examples. I mean, this, you know, a lot of times, that now obviously would be about the move, I got all those anxieties about selling a house, getting a new house, packing the house up getting rid of all the stuff, we accumulated over 30 years that we haven't touched in 12 years.

Scott Benner 48:11
I think of tasks very simply. So I have a I have a to do list. In my mind. I have learned to write it down because I'm older now. And I will forget things. But what I've learned is that the things that have to get done get done. That just happens, right? The cream rises to the top is the It doesn't it doesn't. Yes, it all falls apart, something falls apart. So things make themselves obvious. Like suddenly you're like, Okay, this becomes so I'm very my to do list shifts. You could be the next thing on my to do list. And if the fifth thing becomes important, guess what? Everybody slides down, the fifth thing jumps to the top. So I'm never worried about getting things done. Because my assumption is that I'm going to adult during the course of the day, I'm going to work. I'm going to see my family, I'm going to make food. Some days I won't feel as well as I feel other days and the things that need to get done. I'll do first. And I guess that's why I don't worry about anything. But I don't know. I wish I could be like that. Yeah, I'm sorry for you. It sounds terrible. I watched my wife.

Ed 49:17
Like it's not like that every night. But there's you know this sometimes I'll just can't go to sleep and then I'm keeping myself up because I'm thinking about things that aren't that important.

Scott Benner 49:26
And if you're rest you can take care of.

Ed 49:29
Yes. I'm sure I'm not the only adult out there that does that. No,

Scott Benner 49:35
I don't believe you are not not nearly that's a level of anxiety. Right?

Ed 49:42
Uh, probably, I mean, I don't, I don't find myself during during the day being very anxious about anything. Okay. I just want I'm trying to go to sleep. That's all I'm finally quiet enough where I can think about things and then I start thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about.

Scott Benner 49:57
Yeah, no kidding. I I was sitting with Kelly the other night, she's watching something on television. And I was like, I was like, Hey, I'm done. Now. I just turned over something on TV and it's loud. There's lights on, I was like, it's over for me, because you're going to sleep. I'm like, I'll likely be asleep before this conversation is over.

Ed 50:20
That is my wife 100%. And I'm just be looking at her as she's sleeping and, and snoring. And like, wow, I wish I could just do that.

Scott Benner 50:29
Well, I don't know why I can do it. I that I cancelled the podcast right now bottle, whatever that is and sell to you. Because I know it's a big deal for people. So you said you want to be able to sleep better with your blood sugar. So do you see lows overnight?

Ed 50:44
Not a lot. I mean, sometimes it'll drift into like the high 60s. But my alarm is set for 70. So I'm up just down that low. But it's not all it's not a lot. Yeah, it's, I don't get a lot of lows. I don't get a lot of highs. Although last night, I was at my son's game. And we did drop a little low with like, low than I expected. But we take care. Hello. Hi. So

Scott Benner 51:13
yeah, were you more active? Do you think or

Ed 51:16
yes, what I did was that we actually became a game practice because the other team didn't show up.

Scott Benner 51:21
Oh, so you came to watch a baseball game and suddenly you were a dad helping with practice?

Ed 51:26
Well, I'm one of the coaches on the team. So I'm always on the field. But But now Now we're running a practice and I was playing I was out playing left field and I was running around a little more than I anticipated.

Scott Benner 51:38
You also just named your episode. Okay, out in left field. I mean, I left fielder or out of left field I'll find

Ed 51:48
the thing I haven't thought about what it's gonna be called before I got on on the on this call with you. Organic, you know, organic we named itself

Scott Benner 51:57
Yeah. For most people listening to you. I could just call it a Oh, and they would understand but you don't hear the way they will. I don't hear your accent

Ed 52:05
the way they will. No, cuz you, you and I kind of the same. Yeah, I

Scott Benner 52:09
basically feel the way you're feeling right now. Oh, okay. So you get out there you start hustling around? No pre like you didn't say to yourself, that's interesting. Why didn't you say to yourself, I should probably eat something before I start doing this or to try to get ahead of this with a Temp Basal or something like that. Or did

Ed 52:27
you? Because I didn't think about it. I didn't. I was already. I was already there. I didn't bring any foodie because that's how I am. And I always have my I always have something with me if I need if I go low. So I'm never too worried about it. So once I started drifting down low, I just pop some glucose tablets and 510 minutes late. I was fine. Wow. Okay. But yeah, I don't. The Temp Basal is down. At that point. It's too low. It's definitely too late.

Scott Benner 52:59
Yeah. But so but I was really interested in I thought you would say what you said, but I wanted people to hear it. Like it just happened too quickly, like life happened. And yeah,

Ed 53:08
exactly. Exactly. It really, you know, I was fine. The whole practice and then it started. It started going down. 9892 8471 I got the alarm. 62. All right, time back. At that time practice was over. I popped in my glucose tablets. I was I got down to 45. But then I was by the time I was home, I was 105

Scott Benner 53:36
While it's drifting down. What's your thought process? Like, maybe it'll stop

Ed 53:42
a spec, this is gonna be over soon, they'll take care of it.

Scott Benner 53:45
Gotcha. Because a couple of tabs in the middle of that drift would have stopped the 45 You think

Ed 53:53
100% If we would do the last thing we were gonna do. And I said, All right, let me just get get through this. And then I'll be able to take care of it. And I'll be fine. I mean, don't get me wrong. I wasn't about to pass out or anything like that. I just I felt that coming on. No, no, I'm like, Yeah, this is gonna be over in 10 minutes, so I'll take care of that.

Scott Benner 54:13
Okay, now I just wanted people to hear like your thought process to orient because it obviously worked out fine for you.

Ed 54:19
Yeah, it just, you know, I just needed 10 minutes and I was fine.

Scott Benner 54:24
Okay, interesting. So you just sit around a little bit before you left, you just take them and make sure you're okay. And then roll out.

Ed 54:31
Uh, I was slowly taking my time getting out of the out of the park. And then it was a little bit of a walk to the the car so I took that a little slower. My wife drove home, and I sat in the front seat and talked to her. That was fine. My time. My time was only a 15 minute ride by Tom. We were home. I was already in the hundreds,

Scott Benner 54:52
right? Do you think anyone around you knew?

Ed 54:56
No? Absolutely not. Right? So this isn't like why Because I told her, and I'll say it, I'll be behind you in just a few minutes. Right? And but like, if I know what no one knew?

Scott Benner 55:07
Yeah, if I said to your kids, your dad was playing left field last night, his blood sugar was getting low. They would be surprised by that.

Ed 55:12
Yes, gotcha. Everybody, everybody, all the other parents, everybody would have been surprised to have any trouble. I mean, I, I'm sorry. I don't I don't actively promote that I have diabetes, but I don't actively say I don't have it. I it you know, if somebody asked me about it, I'll tell them. But I'm not going out telling everybody Oh, I have type one diabetes.

Scott Benner 55:33
Don't show up in every new situation. Oh, it's a new season to the baseball team. Let me first tell you about my pomp and you just kind of

Ed 55:39
live your life. I mean, I tell the other coaches and other coaches, obviously, we're actually good friends with them. But I would tell them about it just just in case, some odd chance something happens. They know what my situation is. Right? That makes sense. But I'm not I'm not telling everybody. And I usually wear my pod either on my leg or on my upper arm. So it's not really noticeable. I see.

Scott Benner 55:59
While the ball was flying, listen, I'm giving your kids a lot of credit while the ball was flying around. Maybe while you're watching kids strikeout I don't know what was happening. Exactly. But did you feel like you could react if the ball came to you?

Ed 56:11
Yes. I thought at the time. Yes, I was still fine. Yeah, just the variable of me moving around a little more than I anticipated, had an effect 20 minutes later when we were doing another drill, but I was in left field, right.

Scott Benner 56:23
So that's where an algorithm would be helpful. Because the one thing that people might not understand about them as the way they keep stability is like, it's the it's the future seeing part of it, right. So it you know, if your Basal is set at, like, let's say your Basal is 1.2 an hour, I don't know what yours is. But that was okay. So let's make it one just for fun because it's around. Yep. So your Basal is one an hour. And this Basal is holding you nice and stable at 590 for a couple of hours at a time. And then the algorithm in loop believes that you're going to get lower later, it'll cut the Basal back. And so you'll never notice that happen. But when you go back and look, even with great settings, you'll see Basal get dialed back throughout the day, over and over again. But when you're a person who's on a regular pump, your Basal is one no matter what, it's not looking into the future. And I'm not saying that it would know you were going to get active, I'm just saying it, it can tell like oh, this, this 90 that I'm holding on to is going to become 85 and my targets 90. So it'll, it'll I don't know, it'll make your one Basal point seven for a little while, or it might suddenly take it all away, and then bring it back, you know, may take it down to zero for five or so minutes, and then bring it up to point two, it's fascinating to watch at work.

Ed 57:46
That yeah, I remember listening to somebody on your on one of the episodes where it happens. It could change like five minutes and stop changing and it would change again. Yeah, something else is just like, and the fact that it could do that is incredible. I look forward to be able to finally use it, it teaches

Scott Benner 58:05
you to while you're watching it like That's why if I'm helping somebody who's not on an algorithm, like you can say something like, you know, we're gonna make your Basal like, I don't know, from from one unit. And now we're gonna make it three units an hour, but just for like, 15 minutes, then shut it off. And you know, like, or, like, we're gonna take it all away, but I only want to take it away for a few minutes. And it sounds crazy. But once your settings are super stable like that adjustments in the moment are more. I want to warn here, they're more reactionary, like whereas if you were one unit a day all day with your Basal and you wanted to do a Temp Basal for activity, you might have to do it like 90 minutes prior. Right? Yeah. But it once you're on the algorithm, and your settings are right, you can make those adjustments a little sooner to what you want to happen.

Ed 59:01
That's I've been saying it's easy to say, Oh, you just dial your Basal back an hour and a half before you exercise. I don't know what I don't even know if I'm gonna be exercising an hour from now. You know, so it's tough for me to draw. Anytime I exercise, I have to eat something before I go do it. Because it you know, a lot of times I go for a bike ride. And I'm not scheduling this time ahead of time. I'm just Alright, I'm gonna go for a bike ride now. Right? So let me eat something.

Scott Benner 59:26
Yeah. So if you were to say I'm going to go for a bike ride right now. Oh, you know what? Let me set a Temp Basal an hour from now. You might not have time to go for that bike ride anymore.

Ed 59:35
Right, exactly. What I just said. Yeah, it's not a lot of times. I'll do it in the morning and then alright, I'll get up in the morning. Sometimes I don't feel like doing it. So then I've I my whole blood pressure is often because all right, I already dialed the back. But now I'm not going to go because it's Oh, I decided it's raining outside or something. So I don't go. I know I had a slow Basal. I need to bring it back up. So I just for me personally as my, my choices, I'll just eat something before I exercise,

Scott Benner 1:00:06
right? I think that, I mean, obviously the tools are in the pro tip episodes. But I don't imagine that means that everybody can use them. I just think under even understanding their concepts might help you make a amalgam of that idea with your life and find something that would work for you.

Ed 1:00:27
Yes, it's that episode about exercise. It all revolved around the timing of everything. Yeah. Like I said, there's nothing I can't just say, Oh, it's an hour and a half. Now I'm gonna go do what I want to do. Because life happens and doesn't happen.

Scott Benner 1:00:45
Yeah, well, also, but and the reason it's set up that way is because if you're trying to lose weight with type one, you can't eat to exercise because then you're

Ed 1:00:54
I don't Yeah, I don't eat. Like, I can say I eat something I like a banana. Okay. Or yogurt or something like that. Do that. Yes. And it's not something that's gonna, I'm not eating. I'm not going to grab a meatball hero and have french fries on the side with it or anything.

Scott Benner 1:01:11
How often as a person with type one do you eat when you don't want to?

Ed 1:01:17
Uh, for me? Not Not much. Good. I mean, and I don't eat when I don't want to, or eat when I don't want to. It's never I mean, sometimes maybe I'll have to go get a little snack or something. But I'm not. It's never been like, Oh, I gotta go eat right now. Because my blood sugar is 82.

Scott Benner 1:01:39
Yeah, I just wanted to know, like, and was it always that way? Or is it since your controls been better over the last couple of years?

Ed 1:01:44
It's it's always been like that. i It's, I've never really, I can't I can't remember any time where so I gotta eat right now. There has been times like, we're sitting around the house. Maybe we should go get some lunch now because I'm not going to wait another hour and a half. When it's three o'clock when it's all you know, we should be at lunch now. But sometimes, because I'll know, maybe we should eat lunch now. Because my body's telling me if we should probably right, that's

Scott Benner 1:02:11
better. So when should you correct lows with glucose tabs mostly?

Ed 1:02:16
For the most depends, I if I'm out, that's what I have with me at all times. A lot of times while I'm home, I'll just drink a little bit of orange juice, right? See your your real guy just a little bit just just enough to get back up. Not not a glass of it, where it's gonna make me do under 50

Scott Benner 1:02:31
Right now, but you're like a classic guy though. Like, if you have to eat a banana to go for a bike ride. You're not begrudgingly the bad one. I don't want this damn, but I'm not gonna do this F diabetes, you just do it? Because that's what needs to be done.

Ed 1:02:41
Right. Exactly. And then yeah, yes. And I found a lot of challenges Lately though. Because about a month ago, I cut out bread and pasta and, and rice. So to do that, just because I just want I wanted to lose a little bit of weight. And I had to make those adjustments on what I was gonna eat. And now the whole protein and fat comes into effect. So I was able to actually, because of the pro tip episodes actually be able to do this. I was always worried about cutting out bread because I'm like, how am I gonna do this and take care of my Bolus is in my insulin needs without the carbs in there. Interesting. But I was I've been doing it for a month. And as I showed you my last couple graphs that the weekly report 99% And range and the low carb has made it like my blood sugar is fantastic.

Scott Benner 1:03:41
Yeah. What's your range set up on that clarity report?

Ed 1:03:45
It's 65 to 155. And always I set it at 155 is that's what 7.0 was. And that's what they always said. Like, that's the goal.

Scott Benner 1:03:55
I'm amused that people who listen this podcast feel it necessary to apologize for having their high alarm set at 150. No, I mean, that's, that's my range. Yes, my range, the range where you're reading it at okay, right.

Ed 1:04:09
My alarms go. My alarms go off at 730 at night and 120 during the day.

Scott Benner 1:04:16
Okay, and that's your 120 is your high

Ed 1:04:19
bar alarm. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:04:20
So then I misunderstood but then you were like, oh, no, no, I would never put my higher alarm at 150

Ed 1:04:25
No, because it's going to be five but you might actually get the 185

Scott Benner 1:04:29
and then you're then you're in the battle then.

Ed 1:04:32
Yes. And then I'm sitting there going to sit up all night thinking why is this happening and then something whole cycle repeats itself? No, I my alarms are set so I can take option.

Scott Benner 1:04:46
Yeah. Well, I am enjoying this. But I have to take our indoor dentist appointment soon. So I want to make sure that we talked about everything you wanted to except I don't think you wanted to talk about anything so we must be okay. Right

Ed 1:05:00
Yeah, I think we had this was a nice conversation.

Scott Benner 1:05:04
I appreciate it. I thought so too. I and for other people's, you know, Saturday, I didn't ask you. I have one question I'm gonna ask you outside outside, well, nobody don't care but me and you. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna stop the recording and ask in a second. Okay. All right. Thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate it.

Ed 1:05:23
I appreciate having me on. Thank you so much.

Scott Benner 1:05:30
First, I'm going to thank Ed for being on the podcast. Thank you very much. And then I'm going to apologize to him because at your episode was going to be called out in left field right up until it hit me that your name was Ed and that that horse that talk had a TV show with a song and then I mean, who knows? I'm childish. So this is what happened. You're the famous Mr. Ed. Thanks also to the Contour Next One blood glucose meter, head over to contour next one.com forward slash juice box to learn more and get started today. The meter actually is really great. Like I'm not kidding, it rips, give it a try. Contour next one.com forward slash juice box links in the show notes. Links to Juicebox Podcast calm. I think I could have been an old timey radio announcer I just found a bunch of old radio ads online. I'm going to try one. Quaker Oats. That's a good one. Your best bet for a hot breakfast. Quaker Oats. Let me try again. Let me try again. Your best bet for hot breakfast is Quaker Oats. Quaker Oats. The giant of the cereal is Quaker Oats who wrote this? I like this next part ready? Delicious. Hold on. Let me get a drink delicious, nutritious. Makes you feel what was the rest of it? Hold on. I gotta find out. Me go back.

Hold on No kidding. Delicious, nutritious. Makes you feel ambitious. I'm getting this hold on

I don't get this part but I'll do it again. The giant of the cereal is Quaker Oats

Wait, is it saying if I eat quicker it's I'll be a sports star. Well the second must be what LeBron did. Yes, if you want to be a star that's how it stars

yes, if you want to be a star in sports in school activities, make your hot cereal Quaker Oats. That's a hell of a statement.

Oh, cuz Quaker Oats helps grow the stars of the future. I think I could have done this. This guy had to have been drunk off his ass. Am I wrong? Is I mean who talks like this? Wait, there's some for cigarettes. This has got to be hilarious to our so many four Chesterfields. My dad used to smoke Chesterfields, homes. What is it? Put a smile in your smoking it's as easy as ABC. I can't wait to see what the ABC stands for Hold on.

Because Chesterfields made with accuray are a always milder. Be better tasting. See cooler smoking. Yes, Chesterfield is always I can I could do this forever. I really feel like I've got a job here. All Time Radio ever comes back. Oh, God, I've been doing this for a while. I've wasted your time. I'm sorry. Come back soon for another episode of The Juicebox Podcast. Oh, I did it again, the Juicebox Podcast. Anyway, just there'll be more episodes, please download them. Please. Thank you. Subscribe in a podcast. Thank you until a friend. Thank you. I mean, and leave a review if you like. But only if you really love the show. If you really love the show, wherever you're listening, leave a five star rating and a thoughtful well written and, you know, grammatically correct review that would be really wonderful. Do you want me to ask you with a deep voice again? Are you enjoying the Juicebox Podcast? Go leave a five star review wherever you listen. And you know what would accompany that review? Just nicely. That's right. A Chesterfield King. No, I'm just kidding. A well written review that people could read and see what you think of the podcast. Alright, I think I'm definitely done now. Goodbye.

If you're still here a I think you need more to do with your life like you have too much free time and be I think it's because you want one more ad from Old Time Radio read to you should we go with Should we go with Miracle Whip Cheerios What is this Contadina tomato paste

so much a DuPont chemistry yeah that's funny. Alright DuPont chemistry

Alright hold on a lot of boats there okay I think he says one of the one of the one of the one of the newest this guy's got a mouthful. Buffalo balls. What's he saying? One of the newest of the DuPont companies. Oh better living he's not even it's not the name of the company. He just goes one of the newest DuPont companies better things for Better Living Through Chemistry. That's what he does. He just rolls through it real quick is keel rubberized fabric. This improved in the middle. neoprene rubber. Wow. That's a lot of words to say we came up with a new fabric for your car seat. All right, that one wasn't fun. Find one more hold on Frigidaire Frigidaire, why not frigid. Gunsmoke the TV show? Huh? Frigidaire. While speaking there's nothing to remember about the new Frigidaire refrigerator. This is Wendell Niles speaking Here's something to remember about the new Frigidaire refrigerators made your kitchen made made to fit your kitchen made to fit your needs prior to that, did they make refrigerators that did not fit in your kitchen? Oh Ford Hold on a second

talking about the economy these days when the cost of everything is hilarious these days when the cost is everything is up it's it's great don't afford. afford. Yeah, that's what you need afford. Alright, listen, if you're still here. Seriously, seek professional help. I don't know why you haven't shot this off yet. I'm now wondering why I'm here.

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#606 After Dark: Childhood Trauma

Anonymous Adult Female talks about her childhood trauma and how she's responded. Significant trigger warning.

You can always listen to the Juicebox Podcast here but the cool kids use: Apple Podcasts/iOS - Spotify - Amazon Music - Google Play/Android - iHeart Radio -  Radio Public, Amazon Alexa or wherever they get audio.

+ Click for EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 606 of the Juicebox Podcast.

When I began the after dark series, I thought these episodes would just be topics that don't normally get spoken about in the light of day. But were very important and things that happen to people all the time and should be heard. At some point in the process, I began to hear from people who had experienced their own, sometimes very traumatic situations, and wanted to come on and tell their story. I'm not great at articulating this. But I've heard it told to me so many times that I believe in it truly. So when someone reaches out with a particularly heavy story, I like that they want to come here and tell it on the Juicebox Podcast, I'm glad that they feel like this is a safe place. But you should know when these episodes are going to deal with difficult topics. And this one today is just extremely difficult. I'm going to tell you a little more about it after the music hold on tight.

This show is sponsored today by the glucagon that my daughter carries G voc hypo Penn, find out more at G voc glucagon.com. Forward slash juicebox. I'm going to tell you a little bit more. But I'm going to tell you a little more about this episode before it starts up. So today's guest will remain anonymous. She is an adult who lives with type one diabetes. And she grew up in a home where she was physically, emotionally and sexually assaulted as a child. Her story is incredible. She wanted to come here and tell it, I hope you listen to it. But if you think it's going to be upsetting to you, I just wanted you to know that these are the topics they're going to be covered today. Although by the time we get to the end, you'll hear how she's doing now. And it may feel more like a story of triumph to you. But you're gonna have to give it a shot and see what you think. I personally think that it was incredibly brave for her to come and do this. I hope you feel the same.

Anonymous Female Speaker 2:33
Hi, everyone. I am a 32 year old woman. I have survived childhood abuse. And I also have diabetes type one.

Scott Benner 2:43
And we're gonna keep you anonymous for this conversation. Is that correct? Okay. Yes, I can You can call me Scott. And I'm just going to talk to you like you don't have a name. So, if I sound rude at some point, you know what I mean? Oh, then to worry about it. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, let's start. Let's start simple. I guess you are. How old were you when you were diagnosed with type one? I was 1919. Tell me again. You're 3432 32. Okay, well, that's like 13 years ago.

Anonymous Female Speaker 3:17
Yeah, I've been half of Well, almost. I'm almost in the half of my latter point.

Scott Benner 3:23
Yeah. What is that noise in the background?

Anonymous Female Speaker 3:26
It's my dog that was just asleep. He was just asleep like a beautiful angel. And he woke himself up and he's, he should stop now. I'm sorry.

Scott Benner 3:39
Sorry. But we might have to kick him out. Is it a big dog?

Anonymous Female Speaker 3:45
He is a pitbull, but the only thing is that because he's deaf. He doesn't necessarily know how obnoxious he is sometimes because he can't hear

Scott Benner 3:54
why I have to admit I don't think dogs are cognizant of how, like you're Have you ever thought that the dogs walked through the room and thought oh, I'm so sorry for the interruption.

Anonymous Female Speaker 4:06
Like I'm sorry to interrupt sounds like you're in a meeting. I just have a quick eye lick.

Scott Benner 4:10
I felt like it was a bigger dog at least 50 pounds because it sounds like somebody who's just turning a side of beef over on the floor. So

Anonymous Female Speaker 4:18
Wow. Yeah, he touched to one of my absolute sup on the floor and he whipped it with his tail. But he left now I think he he knows he's like too good for us. So we should be.

Scott Benner 4:28
Even a deaf dog knows when he's interrupting a podcast recording. That's excellent. That's right.

Anonymous Female Speaker 4:33
That's how good your podcast is. Oh, he

Scott Benner 4:35
saw the look on your face. He's like this. This lady seems upset. So. Okay, so you were diagnosed at 19 years old? were you living at home or were you in college or where were you in your life?

Anonymous Female Speaker 4:47
I was in college and I had to. I was a full time college student and I had two part time jobs. So one job was in my hometown. One job was in the city where my college was so I would go back and forth. It's kind of like one definite spot. But I grew up in a very small town and I grew up in Brazil. So at least where I grew up, diabetes wasn't a thing at all. I had never heard of diabetes met somebody with diabetes. So I actually had to go to the ER three times until they tested my blood sugar.

Scott Benner 5:22
Wow, hey, listen. I'm sorry, we keep doing this is the dog walking around? Are you shuffling papers? You

Anonymous Female Speaker 5:27
know what? I got this. Okay, I'm just, I'm gonna throw them all out on the street to pay rent in just a sec. Right, so doors closed, dogs have been sent to the shelter. Just kidding.

Scott Benner 5:49
Yesterday, a woman had birds in her garage. Oh, no. Talking, we're talking a little bit and I said, Hey, what's with all the birds? And she goes, those birds aren't in this room. I was like, they are coming through crystal clear on your microphone. She's like, are you serious? They're in the garage. And I was like, Is there a door between you in the garage and stitched up as I could get close up, please? So yeah, it's just microphones are just, they're so good nowadays. You know what I mean? And we're all used to, we're actually all used to the ones that come on our cell phones that have that noise cancelling. And those are not great for this because you don't hear it on a phone call. But when you're recording it, the noise canceling. It stops everything. So you don't how do I put this hold on? How do we talk about microphones in a way that will be so Okay, so I'm speaking right now. And if I were to stop speaking, the background room that's behind me right now is the same when I'm speaking as when I stop. But when a noise cancelling headphones stops, it literally shuts off the transmission. So you get into this kind of like a it's almost like electronic silence, which is different than when the person speaking. And it's, I mean, it's nitpicking. I've lived through it. Okay, sometimes. But anyway, the point is, microphones are good. And they can hear birds near garage.

Anonymous Female Speaker 7:15
Yeah, I'm impressed. I didn't even hear my dog.

Scott Benner 7:18
No, no. And I could hear like their nails going across the floor the second time and like the body like turning over, and you can even hear collars like laying down on the floor and start it's fascinating what you can and I'm, you know, I want to hear your story. So

Anonymous Female Speaker 7:33
and this is not a podcast about dogs.

Scott Benner 7:37
You want 30 More seconds, and I might have to be okay, so you had you got type one, you're 19 you're away at school, you're busy person had a number of jobs in different towns? What are you going to school for?

Anonymous Female Speaker 7:52
Education?

Scott Benner 7:53
Okay, are you a teacher now?

Anonymous Female Speaker 7:55
I was I was a teacher of English as a second language. Okay. That's what I used to do before I moved to the US. Oh,

Scott Benner 8:03
okay. So you're not in Brazil on a log? No,

Anonymous Female Speaker 8:06
I moved here seven years ago. Gotcha.

Scott Benner 8:09
Now, I don't normally do this. But I don't like to ask ham fisted questions to get us into super serious stuff. So I'd prefer just to be honest about it and say that, you know, all kinds of people reach out to be on the show. And, you know, the reasons they want to be on are incredibly varied. But every once in a while, someone sends a note that like, stops me in my tracks. And yours was one of those. So I think I'm just gonna ask you upfront, why is it you wanted to come on the podcast?

Anonymous Female Speaker 8:42
Well, when I reached out at first, I didn't have that in mind. But after I overthought it for quite some time, to reply to my email, I realized that I think I think there's value in my story, not because it is rare, or different, or anything, I think what happened to me is quite common, but it's very rarely talked about, and I'm in a place in my life, after you know, of course, healing is forever in everybody's life. So I'm still in it. But I'm in a moment where I'm able to talk about it, I think in a easy, not so overwhelming way. So I think there's value in if there's a survivor that went through similar things still listens to you, and they feel a little less alone than he was already to work there.

Scott Benner 9:32
Okay, great. Well, I appreciate that. And for reasons, you know, that everyone will understand soon enough, I'm going to do my best. This isn't something I have any first hand knowledge of so I might be a little clunky around it, but I have good intentions and, you know, we're gonna we're gonna get through. Alright, great. So, I mean, where do you want to start? Where do you think the best place to start is

Anonymous Female Speaker 10:00
No, let's try it. Let's start from the beginning. Okay. So I survived sexual, physical and emotional abuse from my parents. There's a lot that I don't remember, there's some that I recovered in therapy after several years. So I try to not speak on what I'm not 100% Sure. But if you out there have gone through trauma, you know that it's not that simple. But what I do know for sure, is that my father was a pedophile, and he started grooming me and touching me inappropriately, since I was very, very little, I remember being maybe three, something like that, like, I'm still the age where you sit on your parents lap. Now remember, he would watch pornography and touch me or just have me sit in there. I have a memory of my mom holding me down when I was a little older, while he was doing similar things. And then, as I got older, it kind of escalated into other types of abuse. He was also an alcoholic. And my mom didn't want to have a kid with it. So I have an older brother who's two years older than me, and she didn't want to have another kid after him. And she used to say she didn't want to have a daughter. So she has said before that she wanted was she had aborted me or that she had had an abortion. So she wasn't very loving. So she was like, she just wasn't a mom that was present at all, even when I was very little very, like neglectful didn't take care of me at all. And then she was always annoyed at me. So I kind of had this dynamic going on. My mom didn't give me any attention at all and kind of was happier if I wasn't around if I was just in my room quiet. Otherwise, he would say all sorts of horrible stuff scream me. And then my dad kind of had the perfect opportunity. Because since I didn't trust my mom, and we weren't close, he could make up all sorts of stuff. You know, he's to say, they I was the one that he really loved and that my mom was jealous. That's why she was mean to me. So to not tell her that type of stuff.

Scott Benner 12:32
Do let me know Don't be sorry. I just have a couple of quick questions. Were they abusive to your brother at all?

Anonymous Female Speaker 12:41
You know, I always say that that's my brother's story to tell. If you ask him, he's going to say no, his childhood was wonderful when everything was perfect. But I do want to note that to this day, he lives he's married has a kid and still lives with my mom. So like, they don't have the most healthiest relationship overall. I remember, my dad was very physically abusive towards my brother used to call him. I don't want to use those slurs, but used to call him all sorts of things and say stuff like, if my mom, this is my brother, being a baby, of course, this is a story that I was told, but that my brother would be crying and he would scream at the baby and say that only gay babies cry like some nonsense like that. And so he was always very strict with my brother. I have some recollection of some abuse involving my brother, but I don't know for sure. I don't remember for sure.

Scott Benner 13:44
I understand. Yeah, I didn't want to talk about him too long. I just wanted to understand if it was specific to you or systematic, you know, throughout the family. Do your mean, I think this is an obvious question with a yes answer, but I'm looking for your opinion, or are your parents mentally unstable?

Anonymous Female Speaker 14:04
Yes, I think so. Okay, I mean, I'm, I know, doctor but

Scott Benner 14:12
but I do have some firsthand knowledge of the people. I don't see right now. Not you know what I mean? Like, I don't mean like, so. Like, I listen, what I know about this fits in a thimble. But there's, there's the idea of like, kind of criminal. thought, like, you know, a criminal way of being, you don't mean like, you know, it's like, I don't know what to take it out of this for a second. You couldn't. I mean, my life is not such that I would be forced into this, but even if it was, I don't think I could bring myself to burst into someone's home and take their things. Like I just I don't have whatever's in my head would not let me do that. I I'm certain I could not sexually assault a child. Right? Like, and so what? What allows a person to do that has got to be some sort of mental disconnect somewhere. Right, right. Like, I mean, do you spend much time thinking about the the nuts and bolts aspect of what let them treat you this way? Or do you talk about it more? In a, an emotional way? Like how do you? How do you get through something like this when you're doing it, I'm assuming talk therapy and probably some pretty deep psychotherapy too, I would imagine, right?

Anonymous Female Speaker 15:36
So what I tried a couple of different therapies throughout my 20s, and nothing really worked. The main reason was because there was a lot I didn't remember. And that at the time, when I say that, I mean, a visual memory. Like when you're, most people think of memories, like we're watching a movie or a scene of a movie. And I found this therapy called EMDR, which is I'm going to butcher it, II I movement, something that the DEA,

Scott Benner 16:03
I gotta tell you, you're about the sixth person to bring that up on this podcast.

Anonymous Female Speaker 16:07
Oh, my God. And let me tell you that that is the most incredible thing I've ever done in my life, completely changed my life. But at the same time, I said this to a friend and kind of pressured her into doing it and she hated. So let's just keep that in mind. It's, I think it's for a certain type of person in the way that you process things. EMDR is a therapy. For those that don't know, it involves, it's kind of like a stick of lights and you're supposed to think of something, it could be just a smell or a sound, whatever it is the thing that triggers you and you keep looking at these lights as they change because you're trying to process both sides of your brain to actually process their memory because when you have a trauma kind of freezes on one side. And I couldn't do the I want thing. So I always use the buzzers under my legs. Yeah.

Scott Benner 16:57
Just for people's edification. It stands for eye movement. desensitization, desensitization, why can I talk? De Jesus? That was terrible. It was hard. It's D sensitive to zation. Geez, oh my God, I feel like an idiot. Alright, I emptied senses, I can't do it descent. On a second descent. I can do it. When I read it. D desensitization and reprocessing? How come when I roll over it, I can't find it.

Anonymous Female Speaker 17:29
So many syllables as well.

Scott Benner 17:33
There, you know, like there are some, you know, e m dr.com tells you that it's a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Wikipedia calls it a controversial form of psychotherapy. So, you know, yeah, Wikipedia, I guess is the thing where everybody can say whatever they want, right?

Anonymous Female Speaker 17:56
Right. And I mean, I'm sure some people dislike it, it's a very, it's a very uncomfortable type of therapy, because all you're doing is just sitting in a memory, I'll give an example without being too specific. I used to have just women's people would raise, start raising their volume when they're talking, I realized that I would get this, this weird feeling in my body, like, I don't know, it just felt so uncomfortable. So I started talking to the therapist about it. And I ended up describing as if I had hands touching more than two hands touching me. And I was trying to, like, shrink and disappear. And that's the, the sensation that I had. And so all you're going to do is just sit on that couch and feel that exact thing as you process it. And sometimes more memories will come up because you're kind of like organizing your brain. And sometimes you just cry, sometimes I would scream, whatever it is, you just take it out of your brain so that it's almost like when trauma happens, your room is all disorganized, it's a mess. And then as you process your memories through whatever therapy really, I just find that EMDR is very fast. You kind of make boxes for stuff and you put items there so I can pick something be like oh, this made me said This happened when I was little and involved my brother and I put it in that box. So it's not constantly affecting my everyday life.

Scott Benner 19:26
Now I mean, listen, whatever works is amazing. You know what I mean? That that something helped you was this absolutely fabulous. It did. I'm gonna do my best to pick through this without like, like you said, like without going unnecessarily deep into it. But did. Would you say that the verbal abuse the sexual abuse or the physical abuse was most frequent or did it all just happen in a hodgepodge?

Anonymous Female Speaker 19:57
It all happen to All, it's always all mixed. Like you couldn't, sometimes my dad would be angry at me. Pretend like I did something wrong when I didn't, and then punish me by abusing me sexually. So it's hard to put hard to separate. It's almost, but maybe the verbal abuse just because how much easier it is to verbally abuse your child. If that makes sense. That's probably the most common, but it's hard to try to say.

Scott Benner 20:33
So. Anything was an excuse. Were there days where you weren't abused? Probably okay. But that would be hard to imagine. Like, like you. You never thought like, wow, May was great. Like,

Anonymous Female Speaker 20:51
right, right. Right. And so it must be the summertime. Oh,

Scott Benner 20:54
my gosh, everybody's just, you know, you know, people love the summer. Wow, you're a different life, right? So this starts when you're very, very young. How long does it go for?

Anonymous Female Speaker 21:06
I don't remember exactly when it stopped. But I know for sure. It was before I turned 12. Or around that age only because it's it's in this has always been like that, when I was in sixth grade is when I start being able to access normal. I shouldn't say normal, regular memories, like I remember going to school or remember silly stuff that happened in school stuff that embarrassed me. And before that, I was probably so dissociated all the time just to survive all the different types of violence that I don't you know, if you're not present in the moment, you don't pay attention. It's like when you're driving somewhere, you go all the time you just dissociate, because you know, the way top up logic. So I don't know for sure, but probably around 12.

Scott Benner 21:56
Was that purposeful? Or was it just like the disassociation? Like did you ever think, well, here it comes, I'm just gonna try to do my best to go away in my head, or does it just what happens?

Anonymous Female Speaker 22:13
I want to say it was, it was purposeful, but I don't think it was a logical decision, because I was little, you don't have knowledge of different scales to be like, Oh, I think I'm going to do this. I think he was just what I navigated towards, I used to have the citizens, I used to have this anime that used to play on TV. And when I was like, around eight, or nine, and I used, I started pretending like I was going to go join the Air, they were going to come and get me and I would join the enemy. So I started creating this entire, like series of me as a character in my old say, and what I would do, and I would think about every detail. And I just did that all day, just so you know, because he was better to think about that. And you're so little, you don't necessarily know the difference between reality and fiction. So I did, Scott. So I packed a little bag. And for some reason, I decided that that's when they were going to come and get me. And I just laid in bed and waited for them to come and get me. I was so confident that that was going to happen. And he did not I woke up the next day, I was still in the house. I was so sad. I guess I just remember. Yeah. That's interesting. And so kind of our premise like that. Yeah, of course. Yeah. So either do that you fantasize or you just I don't think the reason why I don't think it's purposeful is because I don't think people usually associate purposefully, it's not a thing that you manually go in. It's kind of just a thing, you you do an audit because your brain is like if we don't go somewhere right now. We are going to lose our mind and you know, survival skills kick in so

Scott Benner 23:56
yeah, and you can't fight back. You're too small. And I mean, people your mom's holding you at times and yes, so you just I guess you have to just give up

Anonymous Female Speaker 24:06
right even but even when I if I scream they would just hurt me more or they would hold me down or they would then hit me in a different way. I tried. I learned that a fighting he was only going to make it way worse. So it was better to just think feel think I was that and that sounds so horrible. But that's what it was just be dead. Okay, because everything else I tried was just worse.

Scott Benner 24:35
I understand. Was there no physical damage? Like why did a doctor never notice or like a loved one outside of the family? How how to how do they keep that invisible?

Anonymous Female Speaker 24:50
That is a great question. So where I grew up, things are very much what happens in your house stays in your house. type of deal. So it wasn't like growing, being going to school in the 90s, where I went, it wasn't very much like modern us now where you talk about good touch, bad touch, and teachers are so involved. We don't even stay in school for that long and we don't have sex education in school. At least we didn't. Well, that was there. Yeah,

Scott Benner 25:24
it did. Did it ever occur to you to tell someone

Anonymous Female Speaker 25:29
I think I'm, I feel like I tried once, because I remember my dad being so angry at me. And like, he hurt me so bad. He, he just, he just hurt me so bad. And they always hurt me in places. Like, it's not like they would pardon my language, it's not like they would punch me in the face, you know, like, my mom would hit me with a belt, for example. And I would get these horrible marks. I have some marks to this day from the belt on my butt. And so it's not like anybody will see my book. And my mom would never let me go to anybody's house, like my classmates houses, I could never go anywhere. I couldn't even play outside. Like I was very much kept in the house. And then we didn't have people around the law. And my parents were very much the stereotype of successful like, we were in a white community, and they were white religious communities. So they were white. They were Roman Catholic, and they were like, upper middle class. So it's not like anybody looked at us. And

Scott Benner 26:36
yeah, no, I, but they didn't want to let you. I would imagine get somewhere where you might get the nerve to say to somebody, hey, they, they hurt me helped me. You know what I mean? So they want to kind of, so did you feel like a person? Or did you feel like I don't I've been, by the way for 10 minutes trying to think about how to ask you this question. I can't come up with a better phrase. But you know, Are you a person to them? Or a sex toy?

Anonymous Female Speaker 27:03
I think I was a thing, not a not a sex toy? Because while there was all the sexual abuse, it wasn't, I mean, I don't know, I guess we would have to ask them. But I feel like I felt like I was a nuisance, and just this ugly, horrible thing, not a person. That's not a person, because that's not Yeah, that's how you treat people?

Scott Benner 27:30
No, of course, like you would have to. I mean, I'm trying my best. It's, it's a difficult. It's hard for you to, it's hard for me. I mean, I can't speak for anybody else to put myself in the position of either of your parents. Right? Like I don't, I'm trying to imagine what they were doing. Were thinking, but I can't like I can't find it in my head. You don't mean like, so you like, are they? Do they? I don't know. hate you for being, you know, a reflection of themselves. Like how deeply into this. Like, there's just there's so many possibilities for why they could be this messed up. It's not even worth guessing. Right?

Anonymous Female Speaker 28:12
Well, I do have a theory because of course, it's I've been for especially during my 20s I was consumed with just understanding what happened. But let me just say something first, so that the other thing makes sense. So that's how they were until about when I was like 12, whatever. And then I don't know what happened, something happened. And then my parents started fighting all the time, and sell the dynamic in my house changed in my mom, the distinct that now my therapist calls it, of course, I can't remember again, dissociative identity disorder, I think it is, which is like you kind of create your own little world. And so my mom, my dad was always present. He was kind of out of the picture. And then my mom started telling me that we were always like best friends. And we used to do this together. And we used to do that together. And I used to tell her everything and what's wrong with me? Why am I mad and being so ungrateful. So then it kind of like, messed? I think that was the worst part to be honest. It just messed up with my head. So then, everything I said wasn't truly never happened. That was crazy. Or she tried to get me diagnosed with stuff.

Scott Benner 29:24
She was trying to rewire you so as you got older, you wouldn't out her?

Anonymous Female Speaker 29:29
Yes. Which works, right worked because what it did is that it made me question everything. And it was only my 20s that I started being sir. And you start talking to people about it, right? Because the reason I think later I wouldn't share it with anybody I never took I didn't tell people until I was 22. I told her one friend and she took me to the police station, but that's a different story. And so you're so I was afraid of telling people hey, I think this happened to me, but I'm not sure Maybe I imagined that because you don't want people to think you're crazy,

Scott Benner 30:04
right? Did you feel crazy? Sorry? Did you feel crazy? Yes. All the time. Okay, all the time. And by that I just mean like unsure of anything.

Anonymous Female Speaker 30:14
Yes, you don't you don't know anything. Like, did you end it impacts me to this day? I'll say something. And I'm like, did I say that? I don't know, if I said that. If I'm having an argument with somebody, I get very worked. I could get worked up and then I can't I have no idea what happened to be like, No, but you said this. So it's very runs deep for sure.

Scott Benner 30:35
Okay. Have we covered this enough for your liking?

Anonymous Female Speaker 30:40
Ah, I think I actually answered, I didn't think I answered your question about why I thought my parents are the way they are. So I think that it's a combination of things. So my mom has this. So my parents are children of immigrants. They migrated from Italy to Brazil. And it is in their culture that like mental health is not a real thing. You're just like depression is being lazy. And if you're crazy, you go to the crazy home and you just die. They're like that traumatic, old school veal. And so they grew up without any awareness of them or any addressing, I think my mom was always weird, because when, when she was little, they sent my mom a weight to stay in other people's houses for a year at a time and, like, help them clean the house and work for them kind of an exchange of a go to school. They only did it to her and she had like, I don't know, 1011 siblings. And so I think my mom went through her own share of trauma. And it kind of broke her to the point that she developed this di D to kind of cope with her life. And the only way she can do it is by making this stuff up. Because she does it to this day, from time to time. She's kind of like, a little different. She will talk about the past different. And if you tell her it doesn't happen, she'll just ignore you like she goes blank. Her eyes just get weird. She doesn't say anything.

Scott Benner 32:13
So do you think they were abused as children?

Anonymous Female Speaker 32:17
I think my mom was for sure. And I think my dad was too because my grandpa, his dad was a horrible man. horrible man. And all his all my dad's brothers are weird. Like they all sexualized me when I was little, it was just very normal in my culture. Like, there's no such thing as a little girl. There are boys. And then there's women, you know. So like, they will talk about my body as I was growing older and what looked like wow, and what grew and what didn't girl and if I looked like this or that I looked sexy, it was just the strangest thing, but because they are all living in this bubble. It was normal. I was the weird one. You know, for them. It's all normal.

Scott Benner 33:02
Wow, that's insane. How do you are you you're married? Yes. Do you have children? No, no. Do you? Would you be afraid to have children? Yes. Okay. Do you think that's a real concern? Or do you just think that's an abundance of caution, just in case you? Like a switch? Like, are you worried that a switch is gonna flip in your head? You're gonna be your parents?

Anonymous Female Speaker 33:28
Yeah. Well, not to the extent that they worry, but I, I can sometimes I get mad at my dogs who I love deeply. Don't get me wrong. I rub their bellies several times a day. But I can see myself getting annoyed or I might make a comment. And to me, I sound like my mom. So I'm like, if I can't handle it, like a dog, I'm not gonna put a child in this world. And I can that's just how I became though I'm not going to do it. Unless I'm sure I can do a good job. Yeah. And we as we've always had so much going on. i We didn't want it that to plus I have diabetes. So then I was worried about being pregnant. My diabetes was always out of control. So then be I couldn't, it was just a mixture of things. But in the root, the root of it. I think I'm just scared.

Scott Benner 34:20
Yeah, no, I listened. There's a, there's an avenue where you could talk about this and say that you're making the same decision in a long line of people making insane decisions. So you got to break the cycle. And if you can't be certain that you can, exactly then staying out of the cycles, the best thing you could probably I mean, it's sad for you, in in 34 minutes of sad things that have happened to you. This is one of them. But still, it may be it's the kindest thing you could do. If you're can't be sure.

Anonymous Female Speaker 34:52
Yeah. And I mean, the thing to some people might think it's selfish. I think it's a beautiful thing to say I did not get to have a normal childhood. I was working through my teenage years, and I was struggling with so much PTSD and just life stress and all the consequences of my undealt trauma during my 20s. Now we are finally in a place where we can enjoy life. And so like my husband taught me how to play something, I hadn't played video games before, it's just something were stupid. He taught me how to play video games. So like will game some nights, or I don't know, I just before I have a kid, I want to give the kid that lives inside of me the time that she deserves. And then maybe who knows? In five years, I might feel different. But you know, I don't want to just keep, like you said, cop making the same mistakes other people

Scott Benner 35:46
do. How do you bring this up with a with us? A spouse or a potential spouse? Like, at what point do you say to your husband? Like, this is my past? And I want you to understand it.

Anonymous Female Speaker 35:59
I usually wouldn't bring up with people. Well, I usually wouldn't date before too long. On purpose, but with my husband, we were going out and then we slept together. And I have I have some scars on my intimate parts. So he, you know, he asked the next day, what the scar? Well, one of these scars was about. And so I told him because that's how I am if you asked me a question, don't ask what to do. I don't know. So I just said, all my parents were really bad people, I think is what I said. And then he had certainly talked to my mom, he was a little confused about that. So he asked me questions. And I was never, I never went to too much detail. Because I don't see a benefit in it. But you know, he, if he is with me, he's my partner he needs. It's important for him to know me and to support me. So throughout my therapy, I would come home and be like, Oh my god, I remembered this that involved this, and it's making me feel like this. And he would just listen and tell me he loves me. And he Okay, and hug me and stuff like that. So he has been there for a big part of my journey and recovery memories. How?

Scott Benner 37:15
How is it being intimate as an adult? Like, are you able to? I don't know what my question is like, it seems like this would be ruined for you. But is it not?

Anonymous Female Speaker 37:29
It is not? I think, Well, I went the other route. The survivors usually go. I was always hypersexual. Since I was a teenager, just always, I couldn't. And he was it's the mean that if you were to unpack this alone is so much because I didn't know this might sound weird to people. I didn't know. I could say no. So if somebody would come and hit on me, then I would, I would just be like, oh, and just have sex with them. Because that's just what I'm supposed to do. And if I liked people, I really wanted to have sex with them. Because that's according to my therapist. That's how I learned to connect with people. So I didn't I never had and I had plenty of complex potassic Like, seeing stuff, feeling stuff, all the end, but it never happened during sex.

Scott Benner 38:22
Okay. What about did you say? Are your parents alive? Yes. Okay. Do you have any contact with them?

Anonymous Female Speaker 38:29
I stopped talking to my dad about 10 years ago when i Something happened. And I could be for sure. I was like, deaf, he for sure that this to me, because of course they deny everything. And I stopped talking to him. And then I went to the police and I did a police report. Of course, he went nowhere. But the point of me doing that was to show them that I remember it and that wasn't the frame anymore. Okay. And then I spent several years not talking to my mom. They are the reason why I moved. I came to the West because I got a scholarship for a master's degree. And the reason why I kept trying scholarships far away was because I wanted to be as far away from them as I could. It was the only way otherwise I was going crazy. My mom just got my mom is so strict in every way was so it just couldn't get away from her. She would like I would move to different towns. Sometimes I would move from city to city twice a year and she would just find out where I was and go there, whatever. So I, my mom and I talk now mostly on a text basis. If you ask her she'll tell you we were best friends and we call each other every night but we just text sometimes.

Scott Benner 39:42
Okay. Do you was my question. Hold on, I might need a second. I'm sorry. Okay, I'll have some tea. Got it. Have something give me a second here. Hold on. Oh, Okay. All right. I'm just gonna switch gears because I'm overwhelmed. And if I'm overwhelmed, and the people listening might be overwhelmed too. Oh, I'm sorry. You feel like oh, no, no, not overwhelmed. Like, no, you don't, you're taking me wrong. Like I, I'm pleased that you're so willing to talk about this. It's just it feels like that there's a million ways to go with this conversation. And I don't I don't know how valuable they all are, or I don't want them to be just, you know, just for the sake of talking. So, I'm just going to go back to my my original I understand how you handled sexuality as a as a young person, that all makes complete sense. How how do you trust somebody enough to get married? Is my question I guess, like how did you make that leap?

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It's my question, I guess like like, how did you make that leap? Did you didn't mean like,

Anonymous Female Speaker 42:03
yes. Well, okay, let's do the true story. Yeah. How about we do that one, okay. Instead of the version that I usually tell people when they ask like how we got married? Well, so the thing with my husband was I before him, I I was always alone and prefer being alone, I would go out, you know, meet people have sex, but I didn't want to see them again. Like I was always like that I never wanted to get married. I thought marriage was a waste of time, blah, blah, blah. When I met my husband, I don't know what it was about him the moment I saw him, and we met online. The moment I saw him, I just felt like I knew him. Already. Like I when we saw each other, we hug as if like we had missed each other. So I just, we will something about the combination of things that he is. And now of course, I understand. You just made me feel so safe. So it was just that that was that. And we started dating and we were like, living together. We were set. We didn't talk about marriage specifically though, but we were together. Now. That doesn't mean I trusted him. Of course, I had several years of shame, some Sorry, I had to deal with because I, of course didn't trust him at all. And I would do the thing I would check where he was check his phone, check his computer, everything about everything all the time. And well, he was always understanding and patient about things. So he and he was I think secret. The key with my husband was that he was only so cool and chill about it. So if I were like, Babe, I'm sorry, I'm crying. It's just that when you said this, I thought you meant that. And I think you're going to live now. So I started packing a bag. And all he would say would be it's all good babe, I love you. I'm not I'm not leaving. But if you want to pack a bag, if it's gonna help your brain, we can pack a bag, you know. So that was the key with him. So he always made me feel very comfortable to just share the craziest stuff, whatever I was thinking and very understanding of it.

Scott Benner 44:10
Does he have a past trauma or some experience with this? Like, why does he understand what to do?

Anonymous Female Speaker 44:20
No, he's just the sweetest little thing is just a very sweet man. He, I have a lot of rage, right, a lot of anger that I've worked on and will forever carry a little and he has a tuber for something different. He was adopted when he was a baby. And it was kind of tough on him on that. And he didn't experience abuse in any way. But he understood my anger, I think so he didn't judge whatever way I was reacting but that's how he is just an example Scott. Yesterday we had a ridiculous argument because I got mad at him because he said I saw a spider. And he just put the spider outside of the house and I'm afraid of spiders. And he just said he doesn't want to kill the spider. It doesn't make him feel good. So he's not gonna kill the spider. So that's just how he is. He's just if anybody came to him with anything, he's just like all love and understanding.

Scott Benner 45:20
No, that's amazing. Well, I'm very happy you found somebody like that. That's how long have you guys been together?

Anonymous Female Speaker 45:28
Six years married five years? Well,

Scott Benner 45:30
good for you. Alright. Can I ask a last question about your parents? I don't mind God. Do? Do other people see them as normal? Or do you think that the people in their social circles are like those people are cracked up? And they just kind of like don't mean like, how do they come off to the world as my question.

Anonymous Female Speaker 45:50
I used to think that they came off as very normal people. And I think they did within the very small circle of people they saw, like, my mom and my dad had their own business. And we only hang out with our uncles and aunts, we didn't have people outside the family. And we barely had people over and they barely left, my dad would leave because he would go out to my mom, stuff like that. Just spent a bunch of money. That wasn't his but my mom was always home working. So it's not like they were out there constantly exposed to people that were different. But later in life, when I started out being open to people about what happened to me, more than once, I had just random kids that I was either a classmate with or friends with, or neighbors. And they told me, you know, your parents were always so weird. I knew there was something wrong because they were so weird. And one of them even told me that the reason why she stopped wanting to play with me and come to the house, chicken once and she didn't ever want to like hang out again was because when she went in the house, she felt like my parents were looking at her funny like, we were 12 or 13. Like objectifying her. Yeah. And you made her so uncomfortable that she remembers it to this day, so probably not. It's fake did not come out as normal.

Scott Benner 47:16
Okay, God that's frightening to think that they might have been like, assessing whether or not she was a good candidate for their insanity. You know what I mean? I know

Anonymous Female Speaker 47:25
because who knows in the problem is because they will not admit to anything, because of course, why would they? Who wants to go to prison? So they it's it's impossible to understand the motive the motives behind some weird thing because they will they will never be like, Oh, well, I was thinking was if I do this, than I do that. Like you mentioned doctors before. I rarely went to the doctor when I was little I can't we only go to the doctor if it's like an ambulance. Like an ER emergency because my mom believes she was a Reiki healer.

Scott Benner 48:04
Okay, I'm sorry, to me the left

Anonymous Female Speaker 48:07
that go ahead. But that was what she did. Now. She's something else okay. But at the time, that's what she was. So then she would just if I was in pain, she would lay me down and frickin do Reiki on me and place them goddamn nature music in the back. Or like they would make I don't know what they're called here. But they're like these little homeopathic drops. And she would just go to this woman and she would make me these drops. And she would just give me these drops. And that was fine. And and you don't complain about pain? Because cuz that's you don't complain. So

Scott Benner 48:42
I might have been like, hey, instead of the drops could just stop helping me. That'd be great. Like,

Anonymous Female Speaker 48:47
what's your mind?

Scott Benner 48:48
Could you just like, let's, let's put this in order of importance, shall we? Yeah. Well, okay, so we're pretty far into this. And I don't understand why this is a podcast about diabetes, I guess is what I should say. So what's the what's the intersecting? Do you really mean? Like, why me? Why did you reach to me?

Anonymous Female Speaker 49:14
So because so I my entire life, my should say, my 12 years of diabetes. Whenever I reached out to I had a doctor. And I mentioned that I had a trauma or whatever, that it was never important. It was never talked about it was never addressed. And I don't mean that as like a therapeutical approach to what I'm saying. He was just that that wasn't important. Oh, and nowadays, I can tell you how my diabetes switched from zero to 100 by making some changes that if a doctor had told me years before, I wouldn't have maybe lost years of life later on You know what I mean? Cuz so like what I came to learn. And now again, we should definitely have a doctor explain this. But like when you go through trauma, and in particular, so when people talk about cortisol, right, cortisol increases your blood sugar, because you're stressed out people usually think about, you have a test, you have a job interview, you're mad, whatever. But with complex PTSD, it's, I could be having the greatest day of my life, and you're looking at my Dexcom. And it's shooting up for absolutely no reason. Because there is a part of my brain that is just reliving the, what happened? And I don't even know because it's all the way in the back of my head.

Scott Benner 50:44
Yeah. Like you're like in a constant state of fight or flight? Almost.

Anonymous Female Speaker 50:47
Yes, yes, exactly. So just as an example, I used to have horrible, high blood. Sugar's during the night, even if it was perfect. I would go to sleep the minute I fall asleep, it would start going up. And doctors are always like, Oh, no, will you does that it was always they would try different things. And because he was different every night at different times different quantities, then at some point, they would just be frustrated and just be like, well just do your best. Yeah. But then when I would go for my a one C, they would act like as if I didn't care for pleasure. Even like, so let's say one day, it starts going up at 2am. It goes all the way up to 400. I wake up for no reason at five, and I do correction bowls. And I go back to sleep, and it's still going to be 400. When I wake up, it was like as if insulin didn't make a difference. And so eventually, this year, I reached out to a naturopathic doctor. And she said, Have you ever experienced trauma? And I said, Yeah, why do you ask she was like, well, because usually people who experience severe trauma might have while developing usually have something up with their adrenal glands. So let's test your thyroid. Make sure that's not what it is first. So I got all those tests. And by the way, you can get those online from actual labs. So even if you have a doctor that doesn't believe in anything, then you could you know, if you can, if you have access to that, of course you can, you can do it on your own. And then so my thyroid was perfect. It wasn't that. Then I started taking what's called cortisol regulators. It's just the pill you take at night, and it's like a natural medicine. And Scott, you don't understand, like, I saved the graphs from my ex come forever. I used to have i Hold on, I'm gonna flip. Here. Alright, so like, I saved it. And I sent it to my endocrinologist and she never even replied, but whatever. I'm not remembering that. I'm not holding.

Scott Benner 53:03
She, she doesn't want what rage I assume is inside of you, and that you could let out at any point, appointed her?

Anonymous Female Speaker 53:10
No idea. She, she doesn't understand. It's, it's forever. I might not remember what happened to me. But I now keep track of everything on a spreadsheet. So okay, so this is the thing I sent a sir. So a random night, and this was right before I got my period, which, which you would be usually just out of control blood, you can increase my Basal to 2.5 Doesn't matter, it will always be in out of control. So then he started going up at 12am. He went all the way up to 250. So when I woke up, I was like, Oh, I'm going to get my period. Let me change my Basal profile. So then I did the one that had more, you know, higher insulin. Then that night at 4am. He went all the way up to 400 and then just stayed up there. So it was like, Oh, wow, that's horrible. So then the next morning, I went on my settings and it changed my Basal from 1.4 to 1.9. And then a 2am bed night he went up to 380. So like he barely Yeah, the difference in We tried everything. Trust me, the doctors we tried it. Then that night I took the next time I took a cortisol regulator and my blood sugar was 150 all night straight like straight line. And he eventually got low so then I adjusted it the next day, and eventually after I just did it. I was using only 1.3 units an hour during the night and my blood sugar was about 100 Dean tire night. Like just the perfect line.

Scott Benner 54:50
How long again figure this out.

Anonymous Female Speaker 54:55
To adjust or to try the

Scott Benner 54:56
cortisol the the cortisol idea how long ago did you figure that out?

Anonymous Female Speaker 55:00
This was a couple months back, maybe Wow. Okay. Three, four months back. I haven't done it once. Yeah, I have an appointment in a month. And I can't wait to show it to her.

Scott Benner 55:12
And I imagined two very. I mean, just easier, right? Like, life's just easier.

Anonymous Female Speaker 55:18
Oh my god. I mean, it changed. Everything changed my mood, my motivation levels, just how well I rest at night. Because it would be just my life. I wake up in the morning, and it's Hi. So I always start the day with a huge correction.

Scott Benner 55:36
This boot Did you just appear? Hello? No, no, I'm sorry. I thought you. You said he was crashing. I got so quiet as he's gone.

Anonymous Female Speaker 55:43
I did a dramatic pause. Oh.

Scott Benner 55:47
So weird place to get tired of me saying I've had enough of this Goodbye. What was your a one sees prior to this? I know you don't have a new one since you figured it out. But what were they prior?

Anonymous Female Speaker 56:01
So that he was the last one was 8.1. The one before that was like 7.6. And then I had periods in my life where I was very poor, or I didn't have access to health insurance at all. So I used to do insulin only enough to not go to the ER. And I was working because I had to, you know. So because I was as an immigrant, you know, there's a lot you can do. I had a long period of time I couldn't I wasn't allowed to work because I was on a student visa. So it's not like I can just go work and make money and buy insulin. And so I would go to Walmart buy the cheap insulin they had at the time. And so I would say the highest Scott that my blood my I'm sorry, my ANC has ever been highest ever was 15 point something.

Scott Benner 56:56
So you were really fighting with it just to keep it down in the eights and the sevens. Yeah, you've been a lot of effort into it.

Anonymous Female Speaker 57:03
Yes, when I got a seven, I cried, because I just felt for the first time. And mind you I'm not saying like, I was doing everything right, my diabetes. You know, I was making terrible decisions. I was exhausted. I just wasn't in a mindset that I could take care of my diabetes, the more I process, what happened to me come to terms with it, let go of emotions, it's easier for me to be in the moment and then stop eating when I'm full. Remember to Pre-Bolus into you know, that type of stuff.

Scott Benner 57:36
I think you're it's incredibly mild. The word is I'm looking for, but I'm amazed at how well you continue to take care of yourself. Like, has there ever been any self medicating? Do you drink or do drugs? Or like? How do you know you just woke up every day knew just right? Yeah, do something bad? Did you ever feel depressed? Do you ever think you were clinically depressed?

Anonymous Female Speaker 58:04
Yes, I was. Well, duh. So the reason why I never did drugs, honestly, looking back now was I think it was because nobody offered them to me, I wasn't in a place where

Scott Benner 58:15
I was I was the only thing

Anonymous Female Speaker 58:18
that I had times in my life. Where I was, I'll give an example. I started having these. I don't know what to call them. I'll call them visions just because I can't remember the proper term, where you see people when they're not there. And I would see a men's figure and it was all black. And I would see him everywhere. And I would be working and it would be in the corner of my eye and then that would blink and you would be right in my face. And sometimes I could hear talking in my ear. That was the worst for my for my PTSD. That's when I started going to EMDR. And it completely went away. 100%. But if somebody one of those days, that time I had two jobs, two jobs. My husband was struggling with addiction. So I was just so sick of everything. If somebody had been like, hey, Matthew, let you sleep at night. Do you want to try it? I've been like, sure. Yeah. So I drugs was easy. It was just luck. And then alcohol. My dad was an alcoholic. So I don't like drinking. I would drink socially, but I'm not a big drinker because I don't want to be like he is

Scott Benner 59:27
a kid. Anything that seems similar to him is a no.

Anonymous Female Speaker 59:31
Yes. So what I did was I smoked cigarettes, I would smoke like a pack a pack and a half a day. And it was literally what kept me going and sometimes when I would be really depressed and I would get suicidal, then I would I would call like a 100 Suicide Hotline and just talk to somebody from Ireland calm.

Scott Benner 59:54
You know, I think that one of the things that I liked most about this conversation and the fact that you came on is that while your example of trauma is obviously, you know, I mean, if there's a scale of one to 10, you're obviously at 10. You know what I mean? But still, that everybody suffers through something. Yeah. Right. And to see and, and, you know, yes, it's not to this degree maybe, or maybe it is for some people, but but, you know, you still can see the impact the cause and effect of a problem or stress or anxiety or, you know, and how it can come back and affect your, the rest of your life. The management of your type one, your mindset, even, you know, that allows you to either, you know, put effort or not put effort into your health, because maybe you just don't have any bandwidth left to to make any decisions with. So while your example is, I mean, just, it's over the top, obviously, it's still, I think everybody can take from this, you know, some sort of a connection. And, yeah, I'm just, I'm really pleased that you did this. I'm not done with you. I'm just, I'm just,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:01:12
I still have left of hassles my cup of tea. So yeah,

Scott Benner 1:01:16
we got tea, we're still going. I you know, at one point, I pulled up one point, while you were talking, I had this thought, like, if I went to the mall, and there were 1000s of people at the mall, how many of those seemingly normal people are sexually abusing their children? Like, I just thought that because I can't imagine that that exists. And obviously it does. You're telling me they exist. And and I pulled up some statistics. And there's they're really staggering. You know, I, you know, victims of crime.org says that one in five girls and one in 20. Boys is a victim of child sexual abuse. self report, studies show that 20% of adult females and five to 10% of adult males recall childhood sexual assault or incident. It just, I don't know, like, I guess it's one of those things that if you don't know about you, just imagine it's a one off problem. You know what I mean? Like, it's some random thing that happens to a random person, but

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:02:21
pick a bug. And I understand that to Scott, because it's so heartbreaking to think about that. And then nobody wants to live in a world where that happens so often. So I don't think even people do it on purpose to ignore, I would say, this type of violence, it's just because it's just it's too much. And then he opens up. Like, we were talking about having kids, right. I the thing, you just wondered how many people in the small sexually abused their children. That's, I think about that all the time. I meet a nice man, my dad was very charismatic. Everybody loved him. He was like the life of the party. And when I meet an adult man, a father who's very, has a similar personality, I think I wonder if his sociopath I hope he doesn't abuse? You know,

Scott Benner 1:03:10
yeah, no, I can't see how you don't look at everybody. And just think like, which one of these people is a? is a murderous robot? Yeah, I mean, like, Jesus, I don't know. I, I, what you've accomplished, from where, from where these people put you to where you are now, I think is nothing less than stunning, like, the fortitude that you showed to get to this point, is just on common. And I mean, I, at some point, like, while you were talking is like, When is she going to talk about her heroin addiction? Or, you know what I mean? Like, like her like, like, because I would have, I mean, that that would have made complete sense to me.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:03:51
Right? And if somebody is out there listening to this, and you are a heroin addict, hey, do what you got to do, you know? Well, no, sometimes. Yeah, I got to just survive until the next i for a long time. All I do is just survive until the next moment, and then figure out the next moment. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:04:09
So there's no ability to like, you can't sit down roots or plan for your life until you find some way to deal with this, I guess, deal with it's appropriate. He can't just you can't ignore it. Because it's not going to stop and you can't just eject it right? You can't just give it away. Like you have to do something. I think high level to work through it in a way where it can't be impactful to you day after day. Is that right?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:04:39
Yeah, that was my experience. I think people process things different. I am the type of person that I when I'm doing something I like to go in depth. So even if I'm searching, do can cows to bubblegum, I'm going to like go into this deep rabbit hole, purple gums and how they're made. And so that's how I approached my trauma. too, I have a just as an example, I have a friend, she was sexually abused as a child by her stepfather. And she has a very different way to approach it, she thrives the most by, she talked to her mom about it, she did what she had to do. Of course, her story is very different. So in her context, she, she just wants to move on. She wants to like, let go and move on. That's how she does it. And it works really well for her. But if I tried to do that, I would start triggering all sorts of stuff, I had to first go inside of me and figure out who I was, despite of the trauma, so I could slowly like peel off. I used to think I was always so nervous. And that wasn't me. That was just my response to trauma. And just keep understanding and processing and putting stuff away. Because I tried to ignore it for as long as I could. I think I would have done it forever. Really, because who wants to remember? Because when you remember a repressed memory, you remember the sound? You remember the feel the smell? It's a lot? I don't think anybody does it just for funsies. But to me, I had to do it was the only way because it was important for me to know for sure.

Scott Benner 1:06:16
Yeah, that this actually happened to you so that you could then process it and try to move past it.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:06:22
Yes, because of all the gaslighting they did in my context. He made sense.

Scott Benner 1:06:28
Right, using some young people hip terms, we got to make sure everybody understands gaslighting. You know, did you know yes, the older people aren't gonna know what you're saying when you

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:06:39
you're sliding is when it could be very minimal, like I fall and hurt my knee. And to me, I feel a lot of pain and you'll go like, That's not that bad. It's not It's barely scratched. That's a PG 13 example. But so gaslighting is when you coerce a person to believe what they went through is less than what they went through. It's very common in domestic violence when you have an abusive partner as well. Parents do it a lot. It's like kind of a manipulation to you tell people your wasn't as bad as they remember or something like that.

Scott Benner 1:07:16
Gotcha. Yeah, it's a it's just a it's a young hip term.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:07:20
What's the old hip term? Oh, no. Line line

Scott Benner 1:07:25
lying. Yeah, be what you just described as someone lying to you and saying that something had that happened to you didn't happen to you. But now it's got like, I make this assertion all the time. The internet has, has made it so that we have to name everything. So because you can't talk about it. And it's not searchable, like if it doesn't have a name. So everything gets a name now, which is kind of nice, because this is a very like, like Wikipedia says gaslighting is a colloquialism loosely defined as making someone question their own reality.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:07:59
Yes, yeah. That's it. That's it.

Scott Benner 1:08:02
So you now this word is in place of the explanation that, you know, I had a had an experience with somebody, and they tried to tell me it didn't happen. And instead, why

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:08:12
didn't they tell you? It wasn't as bad as you remember?

Scott Benner 1:08:16
I listen, I don't know how you play off. What happened to you? Like, how could someone tell you that's not as bad as you remember? You know what I mean? Like,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:08:25
I'll give you an example. My mom will say, I'm like, Mom, you beat me with a belt. What do you mean, you were always loving? You know, I mean, in my head, so I can say I just say things like that now. But I used to scream at my mom and throw things against the wall. Like, don't be mistaken. Wherever point you are in your journey. That's okay. We've all gonna be there. It's just a spiral of different moments, you know? And so she would be like, What are you talking about? I've only slumped you and I'll say, Mom, what are you talking about? You hit me with a belt. Right? It's that love. And she'll be like, I only did that if you were misbehaving. And that was nothing compared to all the times that I made sure you had a roof over your head and you had food at least I never let you starve. That's also gaslighting.

Scott Benner 1:09:12
Yeah, right. Well, sure. I held you down. But wasn't there dinner afterwards? Like, right? Yeah, yes. Okay. That's awesome. Yeah, that that. Wow, that is a disconnect of reality. That is fascinating.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:09:29
I know. And then it makes sense. If you understand that about her, it's easy to see how she could be so okay with her kids being abused. Yeah. Because you're not if you're not there in your body and you never address your own trauma as a child. If when you were a child, you negated your childhood so you can survive. You can't see it in your kids either. Right? Because if I ignore if she acknowledged my abuse, who knows what's gonna trigger and then she's gonna have to acknowledge her own abuse,

Scott Benner 1:09:57
right? Yeah, I mean, listen, I think It's an astonishing Act of Valor that you don't spray paint the word rapist across the front of their house every three days. I just really like, I'm not kidding. Like, I don't know how you like, I think it's amazing that you're beyond needing to. I don't know, like, like, make sure everyone knows, you don't I mean, like, I know, that would be valueless to you like, don't get me wrong, but that it's not at the tip of your brain is such an accomplishment. You know what I mean? Like, it's really wonderful. Honestly,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:10:34
I had to just give up cuz I that was my five for a long time I needed them, both of them to admit, not everything that something happened admit that anything happened, and they just wouldn't. And I realized at some point, that I don't need them to tell me happened for me to know that it happened. i They don't I was giving them all this power. You know. So then I kind of switched gears for me when I realized that you don't want to admit then screw you, whatever. I know it happened. But you of course, it was a long way to get to that point. A lot of screaming in that way too.

Scott Benner 1:11:11
Right? Well, I just I can't You can't imagine how many people who have been through traumatic things who have just been ruined by it and can't find their way out of it. You know, and how even understandable that is?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:11:24
Yes, I think I had some privilege because I was able to go to college. So it allowed me to leave my hometown, and meet different people, people that were very loving and caring, just good friends. And I always had, you know, I never I didn't experience poverty as well, when I was a kid. So that would have been another layer of trauma. So I think, you know, it was just I had while I went through all this, I also had privilege that I know some survivors don't get to have. So it was just some random combination of things.

Scott Benner 1:12:02
Oddly lucky. Yes. Yeah. I guess that's not a word you use very often. Yeah. I mean, I thought earlier, when you talked about the scholarship, I thought, Oh, well, that's the anime crew coming for, you know, like, somebody got you out of

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:12:15
there. Oh, it was the sweetest thing to say. How

Scott Benner 1:12:19
it occurred to me when you were saying I was like, Oh, they got together finally and sent her a scholarship.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:12:26
gonna smile all day thinking about that.

Scott Benner 1:12:30
It was the happiest thing you said this whole hour? wasn't hard to find, you know?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:12:37
Well, you know, so many good things happen to is just that the episode is about that. So

Scott Benner 1:12:42
yeah. Can you can you? Can you tell people a little bit about that? Like, what do you like day to day now? How do you see your life? Sure.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:12:52
Um, so um, I like where I am right now I've come to I used to think I was like, into no discipline and expense being spontaneous. And I always wanted a job. Like I wanted to be a un Peacekeeper, I wanted to just travel around the world doing crazy stuff. And the more I did therapy, I learned that that's actually the opposite of what I want. What really brings me joy is peace and safety and routine. And that really helps my diabetes to so I really like where I am right now we bought a house to it's going to be two years ago. And we moved with moved states. So we move closer to some people who care about us because my husband is also very alone in terms of family support. And so he's adopted, he has two sets of parents, right. So I get to have one of his parents pretend they're my parents, and he has the other set of parents. So we have what I understand this family, we rescue these dogs that we love so much. And I've had you know, I've had a career for for a while now. And so I mean, I mean a good spot. For sure. And I mean in this didn't start now but I just I'm able to really feel things what made me start going to decided to face all of this and I was just I wanted to feel good things and I realized you can just shut down the bad things, you shut down all things so for me to feel the good, I had to feel the bad. That's how I saw it. So you know, I've done wonderful things, guys, I mean, I move to a different country. I've traveled around and I have great friends, very dark humoured individuals, and I feel really safe I got with this cortisol regulator and I have the ice you have an Omnipod but I have the I'm the worst I bike I can't remember my pumps name at the moment the one with the control a que tanto sorry tandem I just got

Scott Benner 1:15:02
finally someone brings us up. And it's in an episode about childhood sexual abuse. And she can't remember the name of the pump.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:15:12
I'm sorry, don't revoke my warranty on the system, please.

Scott Benner 1:15:18
funny idea to call you later. And they'd be like, hello. I know you didn't give your name. But we know it's you.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:15:24
We've searched through that system, and you're the only one with this and that and that. And my pump just goes off and like never turns back on. I

Scott Benner 1:15:32
don't know why shut it off remotely. They're like, nope. Yeah, well,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:15:36
they're definitely not hiring me to be a sponsor that we know for sure. Now,

Scott Benner 1:15:40
I think it'd be a terrific sponsor. Well, well, tell me again, the name of like the, are you still taking the medication for the cortisol? Or is it something that you have to take every day? What's it called?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:15:53
Let me go get it one sec. Yeah, I

Scott Benner 1:15:55
really do want to know, sir.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:15:59
Alright, so this one is called integrative therapeutics. And it is a cortisol manager. Now, I know that there are different types of cortisol stabilizers, I would have to be a doctor to tell you, which one would be a good fit, if it even is a good thing. For the first days that are so you only take it one at night. You take it when you go to sleep.

Scott Benner 1:16:30
This is an over the counter thing. It's not a it's not prescribed.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:16:35
It's not prescribed, because she bought it. The doctor got one for me to try as a present. And then

Scott Benner 1:16:42
I think, is there a yellow stripe across the label? Yes, it's

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:16:46
on Amazon.

Scott Benner 1:16:47
I found it. I know the Google look at how it works. And find a bill online. So this is just something your hippie doctor gave you. And it's all things that

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:17:02
really changed my life. Help, it completely changed my life. I fall asleep faster. I had a very hard time falling asleep. I stay asleep. Of course, it's not heavy prescription drugs. So it's like I'm taking Xanax, I wouldn't know. I've never taken it. But it's a little more natural. And I am a little more comfortable. Taking something that's more natural, because with diabetes, you never know what's gonna mess with Well,

Scott Benner 1:17:30
listen, if it helped you like this, I wouldn't. I wouldn't care if you had to buy it anally. That's amazing. Yeah, actually, you brought up something earlier that I was really thought was terrific. And I had no idea about that. I could just somebody could do a thyroid stimulating hormone test online.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:17:47
Yeah, it means it's legit from the actual lab.

Scott Benner 1:17:51
Yeah, maybe Google it like places like quest and LabCorp. Like quest is cheaper. If I'm looking online, I'm understanding it correctly. But it's such an amazing thing. When people have endocrinologist, excuse me to get a drink, that are will say things like, oh, it's not your thyroid, and you were like, well, I have a lot of thyroid symptoms, you know, and then a lot of times, they don't want to help you with it for some reason. I mean, this here is saying 28 bucks, at, you know, at LabCorp or 40 or 20 bucks at Quest $49 at LabCorp. This sounds like something that without insurance is reasonably affordable. If you think you're having thyroid symptoms, and your doctor won't help you. But that's pretty cool. You know what I mean? Just be careful hiring. Yeah, be careful that you don't fall into the your within range answer. I always like to say that because, you know, if you're, you know, I think in range is something like up to eight or 10 for TSH. But you're gonna see symptoms over like to like to point one if you if you if you really have a thyroid issue. So with thyroid, I'm not a doctor either, but treat the symptoms, not the test number is how I think about it.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:19:06
Yes, I completely agree. And you could do, you could do the detailed thyroid or the simple one, or you could do cortisol you could do which is hormones overall. And the way I did mine was he came to my house. I checked with the doctor first because I was I couldn't believe it. I could just do it on my own. So she was like, No, this is a legit lab laboratory. Go ahead. So I got the detailed thorough one it came through on the mail, and you have to poke your finger which for us was like you know, whatever. Yeah, exactly. So you just poke it and you kind of like hold your finger up straight in the air and you let the drops. Some drugs fall inside this little file and you seal it up and you send it back and I think mine took about two, three weeks to come back. So it's not if you are like me, and you experience some social anxiety, you could do it in your house and not even less stress about having to go anywhere.

Scott Benner 1:20:07
Everyone can do it. i We had my children's gut biome tested recently, and they had to basically poop in a box, so you can figure it out.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:20:16
Can I ask you a question? Oh, please? Did you then send it over the mail? Or do you drop it off somewhere?

Scott Benner 1:20:21
Interesting question. And I had these very same thoughts. So you mail it? No. So the next time you're, you know, the next time you want to be upset at your FedEx guy, just remember their jobs not as great as you think it is. And I mean, how great did you think their job was to begin with? So? Right? Yeah, no, there, it's so you, there's a collection tray that you put in the toilet. And like, you're not literally just like, although I think with one of them, they just did it that this was a thing in my house, like, we got the collection kits. And the kids were like, we're not doing this. Like, they sat around on the on a shelf for a while. And finally, my wife and I were like, look, we really want to, you know, we want to do this to see if you know if any of your issues, maybe you're coming from this. And so after you put the sample on something dry, then you have to take a spoon, not a spoon from your house, a spoon that comes with it, and get pieces of the sample from different sections of the how do I want to say this? Alright, so why not imagine a log of human feces? You would you want to take this little spoon and go around to different spots on it. Take Okay, and then fill up this little tube that has some liquid in it up to a line and then you shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, seal it up. It goes inside of a bag that goes inside of a bag, like by the time you don't I mean, like it's in 1000 bags and boxes. By the time it goes into the FedEx thing, but and then you ship it off. Yeah. And then they send a detailed report of your gut biome.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:22:03
Oh, that's wonderful. Maybe I'll do that. Now. If you don't mind me asking everything. Did you get good? Good news from bad?

Scott Benner 1:22:09
Is it good? They both needed something of an adjustment. Ardennes was more out of whack than coals was. Okay, but little for you. Trying it. I'm gonna do it too. Just because I said to them, I'll do it if you do it. And then I was like, Huh? Yeah. I'll try it. Like, I need the comp. It's a little expensive. So maybe the company will hear this and be like, Sure, Scott, we will send it to you and you can try it.

Unknown Speaker 1:22:37
Tell them to send me one two

Scott Benner 1:22:39
is super interesting. I'm willing to spend the money on my kids. And then when it comes to me, I'm like, that's fine.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:22:46
I'll do it. If it's free. I'll be alright. You know, my body the thing that keeps me going alive and able to do things we ended

Scott Benner 1:22:53
up having to give Arden like these three different kinds of supplements that they're not you know, nothing met. It's a I don't know why I can't think of the word all the sudden. Like, why do people tell you the yogurt? Because it has like live cultures and a culture in it or something? I can't I can't believe I can't think of a really good I just got so upset.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:23:19
Because cuz I'm the foreign so I have a good excuse to not remember.

Scott Benner 1:23:22
Yeah, I'm gonna figure it out. And then we're all gonna be really embarrassed that I couldn't for me that I couldn't think of it. Oh, probiotics. Yeah, Jesus.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:23:36
I did not Google it. I totally know,

Scott Benner 1:23:38
like, different different probiotic pills that they're taking one of them. One of the kids, I think it's Arden is taking one that is somehow like the culture of like, I don't know how to explain it. But I can tell you that when you open the bottle, there are tablets inside of it. And the tablets, when they're all together in the bottle smell like crap. Like Like literally and when you section one of the mountain take it away from the bottle. It just smells like bad cheese. I don't know what's worse. Arden goes I can swallow this. It only smells like bedsheets. And I was like, Okay, so anyway, you take it for like a month or two to just try to help rebalance things, you know, get good, good gut bacteria. At the level of belongs at bad back bad, bad gut bacteria. Remove that kind of stuff. So who knows if it helps them It helps them and it was worth a try.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:24:33
Oh, cool for you for doing that for them. That's really cool. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:24:36
I'm a real I'm a real you are. You get the badge. I have to thank actually Dr. BENITO who came on and did my thyroid episode and and to not joke around, she's my hippie doctor. So you know, and Arden has another issue and we're going to go to another integrative medicine person because sometimes you just have to look outside of the mainstream when you need different answers. Yeah, absolutely recording that, I think.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:25:03
Yeah, and I think that's the thing, big thing with just medical practitioners, I understand they go to school. And I mean, I mean, doctors are wonderful and amazing. First of all, I don't mean anything that would contradict that. But they go to school and focus on this one thing for such a long period of time. But sometimes, it makes sense. Like, if I broke my wrist, you only need to look at my wrist, of course. But when it's a part of your body that is connected to so many other things like your nervous system, your darkened system, like whatever system it is, it's, it's in the now there's so much research on trauma, for example, and the impact on your health and development and all of that, I just wish, I think he would improve their practice if they could incorporate at least the lenses of understanding, not becoming a naturopathic doctor or nothing like that. But just understanding that there's more to it and that he might be worth exploring, just asking a question taking, suggesting a test, telling people to Google like just any guidance, because Kelly's I always was very, I'm sorry, dependence on my doctor, it took me years to become confident that I could just do a Google search and figure something out on my own, I would always wait for my appointment to ask them, and they never knew,

Scott Benner 1:26:25
well, well, not different than diabetes, your situation is just uncommon, right? Like the human body is meant to endure what it's meant to endure. And, you know, yours got way more physical and mental abuse than I think a person is, is expected to be able to, you know, shoulder, and that can have actual physical impacts on you. Right? It could change you. Yes, on a cellular level, obviously. I mean, I don't know what mental illness is to you. But you know, at some point, someone took a perfectly healthy little baby and did what it what they did to you that changed your mind. It changed your your physical responses to things, you know, your, your social and psychological responses, things. They changed you they beat you into a different shape.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:27:12
Yeah, yeah. So I was developing to so when you go through things as children, they impact you in a deeper level, sometimes than when you're an adult, but even a traumatic, sorry,

Scott Benner 1:27:25
I didn't mean to step on you. I'm sorry. Good. No,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:27:27
no, you go first.

Scott Benner 1:27:28
I was just gonna say like to go to a normal doctor and be like, hey, help me. That's not something they're trained for.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:27:34
Exactly. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. But maybe they could be like, Well, I have heard before the sometimes trauma can impact your bottom line, maybe we should just check that. Because if my doctor had, and my doctor refused, if my doctor had prescribed me, the cortisol tests, he would have gone through my insurance, he would have been a lot cheaper. So just even to speak, being open

Scott Benner 1:28:00
and able to afford it, you know, yes. Being able to afford it's not lost on me that poop in the box thing wasn't cheap. So you, you would think it wouldn't cost much to put your own poop in a box. But it was pricey. So you're wrong.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:28:12
Yeah. So it's great that there is this option now that makes us especially if you like, I live in a small town, I don't have a lot of Doctor options. I do have a much better doctor than I had before. But if you're in a situation like me, where you don't really have options, and you cannot afford to take time off from work, and just drive two hours to go see a doctor, and then come back, then at least if you have access to you're able to afford these things online, I did two tests. One is as a birthday present for my husband, because I couldn't afford it. And then the other one, I saved money and then I bought but I understand it's you know, some people just cannot Well, yeah, but that's okay. Still prior

Scott Benner 1:28:57
you prioritized yourself and you saved and you made it happen and that's pretty amazing, too. So you're you're a wonder you really are. I wish I can I'm only sorry. I can't like I'm only sorry, I can't use your name to tell you how amazing I think you are because I feel empty because I'm just talking around who you are. But I think it's really quite unique and special what you have accomplished.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:29:22
Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Okay, and you know, just think that who knows how many people you meet that you would never took people talk to me you would have no way because I enjoy I love life i because of all the things I was denied and all the pain I endured I really value the good things so if I if it's a nice day out and I buy an ice cream I'm gonna enjoy it maybe more than somebody that just has that since forever. Yeah. So it's you know, I love life and there's so much about life that I'm in love with and love experiencing and and stuff. So sometimes you might meet people like that you would never tell that they went through stuff but so we should always say Think approach people with like, what's it called a trauma informed approach to just right? You never know what people have been through. So let's just be loving to each other. And just in case, yeah, I

Scott Benner 1:30:09
don't want people to leave this thinking, like, how many people do I know are freaking creepy? Like, I want them, I want them to leave. Like, you know, if you asked me what the connection between your story and diabetes is, to me, your story highlights that there are people who are going through things that you'll never see. And that sometimes, if you get a little lucky, and you get the right support, and you work hard at it, and you don't give up, you can get through things that you don't think you could possibly get through that an onlooker would look at, and just think, but I don't know how you didn't just jump out a window, you know what I mean? And instead, instead, look where you are. And my thought is, if you could do that wrapped around all this, well, then that should be encouraging to someone who just thinks they can't figure out how to get their Basal, right, or to Pre-Bolus pizza or something like this, like you don't mean like there are, I'm not saying that one difficult thing to gates, another difficult thing, I'm saying, Look at what people are capable of. And right everyone listening is capable of something like this to have overcome, overcome, you know,

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:31:22
so we so are and just remember, if you've experienced trauma, and I will give an example, I used to my old Renata insulin, and I would just forget to change my sight, like I would just have no insulin for hours sometimes. And it wasn't like I was doing it on purpose, I would look and be like, Oh, I have to change it. But I also overwhelmed all the time, I couldn't, I just would get distracted and forget it. And just be kind to yourself, if you if you're having a hard day and diabetes is not working, just know that some things are not a direct result of you doing something wrong, you are doing the best that you can. And that's going to look different in different ways. But don't like people. And I say that because I experienced that a lot. Don't let people shame you. If you don't have the diabetes results that they wanted to have, and I'm not saying don't do the best you can, of course, take care of your health, but just know, if you've experienced things like that. Remember to love yourself first, you know, be kind to yourself, you're doing your best.

Scott Benner 1:32:23
And the answers that you need are out there somewhere. And yeah, you know, don't give up looking for them. Don't accept people's assertions that maybe this is as good as it gets. You know, it's not always going to present itself immediately. In, you know, I think that this podcast has a lot to do with that idea of really the idea that this isn't how mainstream talks about diabetes, really. But here it is. And if you want it, it's here, it might be difficult to pick through. I mean, I hear people say like, there's so many episodes, I'm like, You're welcome. You know, like I hear, they give it to me. And I'm like, You're welcome. Now you do the hard work of picking through it and getting what you need out of it. Like, I can't come to your house. And and you know, to me, yes, shuffle you along to success. And I Oh, no. My point is, is that if the woman you're listening to right now can do the things that she's done. I can't imagine what everybody can't do you know what I mean? Like there's there should be no end to your there should be no end to what you think you can accomplish. You know, you should just try and don't give up.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:33:38
Yes. And if you're trying it doesn't work, it took me 12 years to figure out how to not wake up with a tie on my Little Reader, you know, just don't it takes time. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:33:50
Yes. How did you? I'm sorry, it seems so terrible to ask this. After the whole thing. I really I I just want to make sure that the connection is obvious to people like how did you find this podcast? And has it been valuable to you? And how?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:34:07
Let me tell you, so I was can you remember I was I do yoga, yoga helps me a lot. I also do intermittent fasting. So I was doing yoga and I realize I love yoga. Why don't I look for a podcast about yoga? And I was looking at wellness podcasts and stuff. And I was like, Wow, I've never thought about the possibility that maybe they're popular podcasts about diabetes out there. So then I picked one I put diabetes, whatever it was a different one was from a guy from I don't know, maybe I think New Zealand or Australia. And he I swear I swear to you, Scott, he said, If you want your blood, if you want to lose weight, your blood sugar's to get lower. Stop being lazy fat. I swear that's what he said on the episode that I hope so. I was like, oh, maybe this isn't for me. And so I was bummed out for a couple of days. And then I was like, Oh, let me try again. And then I found yours. And I saw he had all these categories. So what really, I think in your podcast has improved my life so much, because I started listening only to the after dark episodes. Because whenever people gave me diabetes advice, I never took it into consideration. Because I always felt like, well, but that doesn't apply to me because I have this other stuff going on that you don't know about whatever. And I learned, it was really the thing that made my brain make the connection that most people that have diabetes have something else, like I listened. And I listened to an episode of a girl that was allergic to insulin, and it blew my mind away. I was like, if this girl can do diabetes, I'm going to start spending time and just learning. So then I just started listening to a lot of episodes, and just I've been learning so much. But what made me lower my guard, my defensiveness was just listening to all the after dark episodes in a row.

Scott Benner 1:36:11
No, it's funny, I think I originally thought of the after dark episodes as bringing people into a world that they didn't know about. And over time and years, I've heard from enough people with, you know, you know, uncommon stories like yours, that he did say that the after dark episodes to them are the core of the podcast. It's easy, because it's so uncommon, again, to find these stories, these stories just don't get told very often. I mean, you've done something. Now that I mean, if you would have told me five years ago, that a person with your life experiences would come on here and share them on the podcast, I'd be like, that's never gonna happen. You know what I mean? But it all started with me saying, like, it's so it's so strange. I get started with me saying on the podcast one day, hey, do you drink a lot and have diabetes? Because if you do, I want to talk to you. And then these two people heard that and went to their friend and said, Hey, I think that guy on that podcast is looking for you. And she's like, I don't know how to feel about this. But I am like a pro level drinker. And I have type one. And so she came on, and shared, and I thought there should be more of this. And then I went to a guy that smokes weed. And then before I knew what I was talking to people with bipolar disorder, you know, people, I mean, at this point, now, you're the third person of some sort of sexual assault that's come on. And, and so much more divorced families, an adult of someone who grew up in a, you know, a divorced family. These are the stories that people like you who are more plentiful than we want to think need, like they need to hear themselves reflected weekly, we always talk about, like, reflecting people and, and, you know, I can't think of the word again, because I'm not young. But representation, right? Like, we always talk about representation about like, you have to have more black voices, you have to have more gay voices, you have to have more trans voices you have, nobody ever says we have to have more sexual assault survivor voices, you know, we have to like because it's difficult and uncomfortable to talk about, and I don't think it should be. So that's why it's here. Because that's what I think, the best way the best for doing that Jesus took an hour and 40 minutes for you to say something I was the best. Like, I don't know.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:38:43
You should have started with that question. And then we could just talk about that. And when if you want, we could stop this restart and just do an episode about that. I'm teasing.

Scott Benner 1:38:51
I don't need you to tell me now. Let's let those dogs back in before they run away.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:38:58
They're sleeping in the other. They're just fine. But my husband works from home and so they they live their best life.

Scott Benner 1:39:04
It's 2021 We all work from home. I wish I worked from home do not it's days. I like it. And there's days where I'm like, I gotta get out of here. You know? Yesterday here, we'll finish with something completely frivolous. Love it. Yesterday, I walked downstairs. My wife's working in what we used to be our dining room, but now I think is an office. I'm pretty sure she's gonna get rid of our dining room table. I guess we'll eat in the kitchen. And my daughter's at the countertop in the kitchen. She's doing homework, my wife's working and, and I walked downstairs the middle of the afternoon. I was like, I'm gonna go out. And everyone's like, where are you going? Because that I'm not that guy. Like, I'm like a I'm not like I'm going out guy. And I was like, I'm gonna go get a manicure and a pedicure. And they were like, Why? Because that is not something I do. And I said yeah, As I said, about a week or so ago, I realized that my toe was sore. And it was my nail. And I just have been growing my nails out with the idea that I would reshape them in a way where my toe wouldn't be sore, which seems like a reasonable decision. And I said, now I'm looking at my nails. And I realized I do not possess the qualifications to handle this. And they were like, Why don't like I don't think I know how to cut my nails right? Or this wouldn't have happened to begin with. I'm 50 years old. I'm going to go let somebody else do it. Then I'm going to look at what they did and try to mimic it next time. And so like 10 minutes later, I had my feet in a bath and a gentleman was rubbing my calves while woman was cutting my fingernails. And I have it was lovely.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:40:43
I've done it too. It's the best thing. Oh my God, it is so warm. And then when they scrub your like your ankles off the best,

Scott Benner 1:40:50
I'm not even embarrassed. It was a it was a half an hour that I enjoyed. And you shouldn't be embarrassed

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:40:56
just to be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself trying different things good for you.

Scott Benner 1:41:00
Yeah, I just am. I gotta tell you, too. I'm always embarrassed to my fingernails. And today, I'm not them on top of that desk. Like you know, when you take a picture and you're holding something. I turned my hands so you can't see my nails usually. Ah, I didn't realize that. And then I saw them yesterday. I was like, why is this lady so much better at this than I am?

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:41:22
So did you figure it out? Do you think you can do an accent?

Scott Benner 1:41:25
I don't know. I better just make more money and let her do it. But yeah, they look really good. She, by the way, no clear coat or anything. I just was like, you know, I'm like, I don't need a coating. I just cut them for me, please. They're really, I can't believe I'm saying this. They're really so if for people keeping track. Now, if you're still listening to this afterwards, after the person who we spoken to today, has told you all of the sad things. If you're still here an hour and 40 minutes later, and you're keeping track, I'm now getting my eyebrows threaded with my daughter and I got a manicure. So they say I'm on my way. I'm gonna look good. Soon. That's great.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:41:59
It's better posts, you should do an omni pod sponsored thing on your page and take pictures, holding things you don't make up for the last time

Scott Benner 1:42:09
you pick up my hand model now. i Yeah. My hands are huge. And my family constantly makes fun of how big my fingers are. So I don't think I'm a hand model. But

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:42:19
be proud of your hands. Don't let them hand shame you.

Scott Benner 1:42:24
If that becomes a thing, I'm gonna say that you're going to have caused it. Because I can't imagine anyone who said that before.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:42:31
Just stop oppressing your hands. He can't control the size of them. They need to love them the way they are.

Scott Benner 1:42:36
Next time someone mentions how big my fingers are. I'm gonna say stop oppressing my fingers.

Anonymous Female Speaker 1:42:42
Yes, yes. And be assertive about it. People need to learn to boundaries, right?

Scott Benner 1:42:45
Damn, well. Well, thank you.

A huge thank you to one of today's sponsors, G voc glucagon, find out more about Chivo Kaipa pen at G Vogue glucagon.com forward slash juicebox. you spell that GVOKEGL. You see ag o n.com. Forward slash juicebox. And I want to thank today's guest for coming on the show and so bravely telling us her story. Thank you so much. I'm sorry that I can't thank you by name. And I'm really glad that you were here. Thanks so much for listening. I'll be back soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast. You can find more after dark episodes in your podcast app. We're at Juicebox Podcast comm topics like drinking weed smoking, trauma and addiction. Having sex with type one diabetes, depression and self harm, diabetes and co parenting bulimia. Bipolar Disorder, heroin addiction, psychedelic drug use divorce from the perspective of an adult child diabetes complications, other eating disorders. They're all available in your podcast player. Just search Juicebox Podcast after dark. We're at Juicebox Podcast comm you can just scroll down and find them right there on the website.

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