#1500 Rub Some Dirt On It

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28‑year‑old Jenn—T1D since age 7—opens up about prepping for pregnancy, wrestling anxiety and disordered eating, and finding footing in therapy amid real‑world struggles.

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Welcome back, friends to another episode of The Juicebox Podcast.

Jenn 0:14
Hi guys, I'm Jen. I'm 28 years old. I was diagnosed with type one at age seven, so 21 years ago, and I wanted to come on and talk about planning for pregnancy. Nothing

Scott Benner 0:27
you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan. I know this is going to sound crazy, but blue circle health is a non profit that's offering a totally free virtual type one diabetes clinical care, education and support program for adults 18 and up. You heard me right, free. No strings attached, just free. Currently, if you live in Florida, Maine Vermont, New Hampshire, Ohio, Delaware, Missouri, Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa or Louisiana, you're eligible for blue circle health right now, but they are adding states quickly in 2025 so make sure to follow them at Blue circle health on social media and make yourself familiar with blue circle health.org. Blue circle health is free. It is without cost. There are no strings attached. I am not hiding anything from you. Blue circle health.org, you know why they had to buy an ad. No one believes it's free. This episode of the juice box podcast is sponsored by us Med, US med.com/juice, box, or call 88872115, 888-721-1514, us. Med is where my daughter gets her diabetes supplies from, and you could too use the link or number to get your free benefits check and get started today with us. Med, this episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by Omnipod five, and you can learn more right now at my special link, omnipod.com/juicebox

Jenn 2:08
Hi guys. I'm Jen. I'm 28 years old. I was diagnosed with type one at age seven, so 21 years ago, and I wanted to come on and talk about planning for pregnancy. You have other things

Scott Benner 2:22
to talk about too. I think this is going to be a terrific conversation. And I'm a little sleepy today, which means I get a little extra emotional. So just looking at your list of things you sent in, I'm like, Oh, I'm gonna, like, I swear, when I turned this on, I looked at, I want people to understand, like, if you think that I'm like, really well prepared. I came in here. I was working for like an hour, doing stuff on the website, doing back end stuff for the podcast. I looked up somebody texted me. He's like, Hey, can you talk? I'm like, I went, Yeah. And then I went, Oh, no, I can't I'm recording in six minutes. So I set up the file, I moved your notes into the file, and as I was moving the notes into the file, I thought, Oh, I'm gonna cry today. Oh, my

Jenn 3:02
gosh. Okay, well, I might, too. I might. It's definitely possible I might tear up. I have a box of Kleenex right here. Oh,

Scott Benner 3:10
I do too. Don't, don't you worry, Joe, I swear I keep both of us. I read your note and I thought, Oh, I'm a little I don't, I don't think I'm tired, by the way, like I think it's been winter too long. I feel the same way, for sure. I'm a little cloudy, yeah, even though I got good sleep last night, I'm a little cloudy. I feel like, like I'm I feel like I'm not eating right. All of a sudden, like, I usually have a nice couple of eggs in the morning with a little bit of protein. In the last few days, I've been, like, running around and, like, late, and I've got all the, ironically, these doctors appointments to help myself be healthier, but I'm running out the door eating like a bowl of cereal because I'm like, I don't have time to cook anything. And I'm like, this is counterproductive. Anyway. I feel foggy, is what I'm saying. Okay, no worries, we'll get through it. And then your thing pops up, and I'm like, Oh, I'm gonna cry.

Jenn 4:00
Yeah. I mean, right, I was like, I say, I came on to talk about planning for pregnancy, but like, I guess the whole I was kind of trying to prepare a little bit for, like, what I wanted to talk about. And I'm, I'm a big planner. I like to make lists and everything. And I was trying to, like, make a kind of time chronological ordered list, and to help just wrap my mind around, like, all the different topics that I wanted to talk about, and I had to go through it like 10 times because there's just, there is a lot that's just been kind of like the big part of my journey. And like, why I felt like, for me personally, like planning for pregnancy was so much more than just simply that, and like, how much truly went into it, and kind of like, why I wanted to come on and talk about this, because I felt like if I didn't put in all that work ahead of time, I couldn't imagine myself like going for it. And how would I possibly have, like, a safe. Been healthy pregnancy. Let me

Scott Benner 5:01
ask you a question for a second. Is this the first time you sat down and tried to contextualize your life with diabetes? Like, really look at it from, like, from where it started to where it is and and the big steps in between. Have you ever done that before? Is this the first time you've done that?

Jenn 5:15
So, yeah, this is really the first time I've done it. I guess, like, I guess I initially reached out to you, like, about a year ago, and so that was really, like, the first time that I sat down and, like, tried to write out, like, yeah, contextualize my life with diabetes, essentially, and a lot. So you

Scott Benner 5:30
were diagnosed when you were seven. You said, Yeah, okay, 21 years ago, you're seven years old. Do you remember any feelings around that time, anything that stayed with you 21 years?

Jenn 5:44
Yeah, I remember going to the doctor's office that day and getting diagnosed. And I remember being in the hospital for a few days and just for the like initial education, and then afterwards going back home. I stayed home from school for a few days, I think, I guess so we could just adjust a little bit. And I remember, like, going back to school and just feeling like completely in a

Scott Benner 6:08
fog. Yeah, feelings wise, though, scared, sad. Do you? Does any of that linger with you?

Jenn 6:13
No, I, I have an amazing mom who really, like, just completely took charge of my management, and I felt like I, as a during my childhood, really relied on her the whole time for a lot of my management, and so I don't ever really remember like feeling scared or alone really sad about it. Yeah,

Scott Benner 6:37
you describe yourself in your notes as having anxiety. So do you have a really great mom or a very anxious mom that was paying super close attention?

Jenn 6:46
Very anxious mom who was paying close attention for sure? I get it from her for sure. So I

Scott Benner 6:52
wasn't sure, because, like, there was part of me that thought, like, Oh, I wonder if she's gonna tell me later that her mom doesn't have any of that anxiety, and she was just like this on top of it, lady. Or if she was gonna tell me, like, my mom's you're laughing. Your mom was just worried that her actions were gonna end the planet, so she had to move very quickly.

Jenn 7:09
No, you hit the nail right on the head. Honestly, that's so funny. Yeah, you're so right.

Scott Benner 7:13
So your mom, like, finally found something to point her anxiety at that's really awesome and, like, valuable. So she put her whole ass into that and really got it done. Yeah, yeah. And then does she manage you and take care of injections and measurements and things like that, or is that you? Or how does that work?

Jenn 7:33
Yeah, she did most of my management for, I mean, definitely at least the first year I got on a pump after six months, and I was pretty, like, responsible young child, I guess as far as that can go, I pretty quickly started, like, I mean, she took care of my settings, but like, then when I would eat, by the time I was, like, eight or nine, I was putting in my carbs and doing that kind of stuff. And

Scott Benner 7:54
were you responsible, or were you anxious? You

Jenn 7:56
know, at the time, I don't remember feeling anxious until I hit college, but who knows

Scott Benner 8:03
what about college made you feel that anxiety. I

Jenn 8:07
think college for me was, like, the first time that I was really pushed, or like I struggled. Like classes were hard, everything always came very easily to me, growing up, like sports, school, all that stuff, and college was hard, and I hit a point where I was struggling and my anxiety really came out then, Jen, I'm

Scott Benner 8:26
gonna ask a question that I want everybody to hear before I say I don't mean it in any way that's gonna make you upset, make you feel like you need to social justice warrior me or anything like that. Do you think your life would be different, better or worse today, if you didn't go to college, like, if it was 1950 and you were like, I'm 21 and this man is going to make a baby with me, and I will keep the house clean. Do you think you'd be better off or No, today's episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by Omnipod, and before I tell you about Omnipod, the device. I'd like to tell you about Omnipod, the company. I approached Omnipod in 2015 and asked them to buy an ad on a podcast that I hadn't even begun to make yet because the podcast didn't have any listeners. All I could promise them was that I was going to try to help people living with type one diabetes, and that was enough for Omnipod. They bought their first ad, and I used that money to support myself while I was growing the Juicebox Podcast. You might even say that Omnipod is the firm foundation of the Juicebox Podcast, and it's actually the firm foundation of how my daughter manages her type one diabetes every day. Omnipod.com/juicebox whether you want the Omnipod five or the Omnipod dash, using my link, let's Omnipod know what a good decision they made in 2015 and continue to make to this day. Omnipod is easy to use, easy to fill, easy to wear. And I. That because my daughter has been wearing one every day since she was four years old, and she will be 20 this year, there is not enough time in an ad for me to tell you everything that I know about Omnipod, but please take a look omnipod.com/juicebox I think Omnipod could be a good friend to you, just like it has been to my daughter and my family. You've probably heard me talk about us Med and how simple it is to reorder with us med using their email system. But did you know that if you don't see the email and you're set up for this, you have to set it up. They don't just randomly call you, but I'm set up to be called if I don't respond to the email, because I don't trust myself 100% so one time I didn't respond to the email, and the phone rings the house. It's like, ring. You know how it works. And I picked it up. I was like, hello, and it was just the recording was like, US med doesn't actually sound like that, but you know what I'm saying. It said, Hey, you're I don't remember exactly what it says, but it's basically like, Hey, your order's ready. You want us to send it, push this button if you want us to send it, or if you'd like to wait. I think it lets you put it off, like a couple of weeks, or push this button for that. That's pretty much it. I push the button to send it, and a few days later, box right at my door. That's it. Us, med.com/juice, box. Or call 888-721-1514, get your free benefits checked now and get started with us, med Dexcom, Omnipod, tandem freestyle, they've got all your favorites, even that new eyelet pump. Check them out now at usmed.com/juice box, or by calling 888-721-1514, there are links in the show notes of your podcast player, and links at Juicebox podcast.com, to us, med and to all the sponsors.

Jenn 11:48
That is such a funny question, because I want to be a part time working, slash stay at home. Mom is my is what I want in life right now. Yeah, can I tell you why? What may be better? Okay,

Scott Benner 12:00
let me tell you why. Yes, I'm almost twice as old as you are, okay? And my wife is a powerful business person, okay? Like she runs large groups of people in high pressure situations. She does an awesome job at it, really awesome. And if you walk downstairs and found her right now and said, Kelly, what do you wish you were doing right now? She would say, taking care of the kids. I'd like to make the house this way. And if I was going to work, I'd like to own a candy shop slash bookstore, type something like that. But I wouldn't want it to be high pressure or something that I needed to have money. And I'm telling you, my wife is 50 years old, and I think if you drug her up here and asked her, she might say, I'm awesome at this job, but I don't know if my brain is wired for it. Does that make sense? Oh,

Jenn 12:52
no, it totally does. And I feel like I growing up was always like, I originally wanted to be a doctor, and I'm like, all for if that is what you want to do, like women empowerment, but and I think a couple years ago, I hit a point where I was just like, that's when I think my internal clock just started ticking, and I was like, I want to have kids, and I there's nothing in the world that would be more important to me than my own kids, and I want to spend as much time with them as I can, and I want to make our house like, like, a loving home. Yeah, and it was wild. I'm

Scott Benner 13:27
gonna back up for a half a second just to reiterate for all the people who are now upset, yeah, I'm sorry. I don't think that your gender or anything about you dictates what you should be doing in the world. I really don't feel like that. I'm just trying to have a conversation around things that I've actually witnessed in my own life. And I'm telling you that if you get into a time machine and take my wife back to being 21 years old and say, Hey, go to college and then go do all the things that you did or don't do that, I don't know what she'd pick. And I bet you she doesn't know either, like, because now, after having lived the whole life of it, and what I've noticed from afar is that that mothering instinct that she has, which is very strong and very loving and wonderful, when she gets into a business situation, she can't really turn it off completely. She just redirects it a little bit, and now she feels guilty for not doing the mothering stuff, and she's trying to oversee like I think it's why she's good at her job. I think the reason that the people who work for my wife love working for my wife, and they genuinely do, I think it's because she's concerned for their outcomes.

Jenn 14:37
Oh, I think that makes the best manager is someone who you feel like really cares about you as a person. So what I'm

Scott Benner 14:44
telling you is, I think in a business setting, my wife's Awesome, yeah, personally, I don't think she's as fulfilled doing this as she would have been doing something different. Maybe I'm speaking out of turn here, like she might come up here and be like, you're an idiot. She'd probably say that no matter what, I've heard her. Ever talk about it. We've talked about it together, and she never dreams of moving up the corporate ladder. That's not where her dreams are. My wife's pretty far up a ladder, and if you asked her, like, are you trying to get to the next rung, she'd be like, I don't know. This is fine. She doesn't care about that stuff. Yeah. No. It's very interesting. Whereas men just kind of, generally speaking, stew internally, let it go, let it out. Move on, have a heart attack and die. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's how it goes, like, right? This anxiety that I see with so many people that I'm talking to, men and women, obviously, but like, I'm always looking for ways that they could avoid it. And I honestly think if my wife didn't have this high pressure job, her anxiety would be lower. I

Jenn 15:45
will say, though I do think if, after kind of reflecting on a little bit, I wouldn't change anything that I have done. So I am, I am glad that I, like, got a degree and have worked so far in my life. So I do feel like even though it did initially bring out my anxiety. I have learned so much from it, and like, become a stronger person, and it has been very valuable. Like, and my job has been very fulfilling, but I feel like I am fortunate in the way that now my my husband has a very strong career, and so I'm able to kind of like, I think going forward, would take a step back on my hours and more focus on our home life. And so I think I was fortunate that I could do all that. And now, like, when we're as we're kind of talking about having kids and stuff, I do want to take a step back. So yeah, let

Scott Benner 16:35
me say this as well. This goes for men as too. In my mind, like, I think there are guys that aren't wired right to be in those business settings either. Yeah. So if you're not wired that way, and then you get put into that fight, and it is a fight like, you know, if you're not wired that way, it can be debilitating and anxiety inducing. And like, I like it, like, when I do the stuff that I do behind the scenes, like the business stuff, like the subtle emails and tiny arguments that people are having between kind words and like, meetings. And he was like, I love that. Like, I come out of it. I'm like, Oh, I won. I got that, or I'll come out of it. Oh, I messed up. Like, I definitely gave up the high ground in that conversation, like that stuff, like, I think it's fun and but my wife does not think it's fun, and by the way, my son's good at it. He doesn't think it's fun, but I like it. I wish the world was set up so that people could do the things that really compliment them that would be so nice. Yeah, yeah. I wonder how much anxiety comes out of very capable, very intelligent, well educated people being put into situations that if they had a choice, they just wouldn't be in you know what I mean? I yeah, I can definitely see that, not about barefoot and pregnant or masculine guys versus not masculine. I don't mean it like that, like, I just like, and I wondered, like, you're describing yourself, like, may I read your list? Yeah, go for it. Overcoming an eating disorder, depression and anxiety, working long shifts at night in healthcare, learning to fail and persevere. Like, that's a lot of crappy stuff. You're only 28 I have a daughter too who went away to college and handled it awesome. Like, grades great. Like, you know, succeed, succeed, succeed. But I don't think it was good for her in general. Like, I think it was a lot, and the net positive isn't there for me. Like, don't get me wrong. Like, I want everybody to be educated. If you're having some crazy thought right now that I'm saying, like, let's keep you know, let's keep people stupid. Like, I'm not saying that. Like, it just like, fitting where you fit, and I mean that from a really loving place, because, as you're launching children into the world, just saying, Well, that's it. You graduated from high school. Now go to college because that's what people do, or go get a job because that's what people do, or, like, whatever you the thing is in your head, like, if it doesn't fit your kid, they're just going to be miserable. And even if they adapt reasonably well, it doesn't mean they're not gonna have underlying issues. And I'm not saying that life should be easy for everybody. I think steel, sharp and steel and like, you know what I mean? Like, you I believe in all Yeah, anyway, all right, I'll stop now. So you're 20, so you go to, I

Jenn 19:15
wish we could solve all the world's problems in mental health. And it's, yeah, it's all, it's

Scott Benner 19:20
life is a lot. No. And Jen, like, you see where I'm coming from, I pre you must. You'll see the podcast, right? Oh, yeah, I feel bad about it. For my children, for my wife, for other people I know. Like, I'm like, Oh my gosh. Like, you got thrown in this direction and you had to do this thing, and you're really successful, and you're very good at it, but it's not really right for you, and you know it, but it's what needs to be done. So, yeah, I want to go back to you in college, though, your anxiety starts coming out just

Jenn 19:46
kind of like, what kind of happened from there? Is that what you're asking? Yeah,

Scott Benner 19:50
yeah. What do you think? Like, what happened in that situation? How did it impact your diabetes, and where did you go from

Jenn 19:55
there? Yeah. So okay, I guess take like, one step further back. And so I did. I grew up, I had a pump. I did not have a CGM growing up, was just on the pump. And my senior year of high school, I guess I just had some issues with too much scar tissue or something like it. Just none of my sites were working. So I decided to take a pump break. Went back to MDI using pens. It was supposed to be, you know, like, a short six month break maybe, or something, but I, I liked not being attached to anything, so I went into college just on MDI, okay, no. CGM just, you know, then I started college, pre med biology. I went to a pretty rigorous University, and the classes were just very challenging, and I was doing well, but I was spending, like every single free second of my life studying. I mean, I did social things, I was in a sorority, but between any free second was studying, and it was the hardest I've ever studied. I think I kind of exhausted myself, for sure. So I was just wearing myself out.

Scott Benner 21:04
Are you ignoring your diabetes at that point? Like, or,

Jenn 21:08
you know, I think I at that point, I feel like I just didn't even really, like, know that much about looking, yeah, looking back at my whole life, I was like, I feel like I just, I kind of did what I did, and basically tested my blood sugar before meals and took insulin. And I don't think I really did not have that deep of an understanding of diabetes. Honestly, I was just kind of getting by and without the CGM. It's like, who knows what my blood sugar was doing between meals, but I was, you know, walking all over campus, exercising regularly, like, I think I was active enough that my a one CS stayed pretty good, like there were like, upper sixes, maybe like seven ish at that point, so I wasn't ignoring my diabetes, like saying that I was not managing any differently than I had my whole life, okay. But I do feel like looking back, I have no idea, like, what my blood sugars were doing in between meals, like I said, and I'm sure I was having like, spikes and drops, with how I manage it. Now I can tell that I am my blood sugar is spiking or something. I am completely off, and I feel foggy. And so I do think looking back that affected, like, my ability to think as clearly while I was trying to study and do all those normal college things,

Scott Benner 22:24
if I put you in that time machine, do you wish you would have just left the CGM on in state? MDI,

Jenn 22:28
yeah, I wish I had taken advantage of the technology that was available and, like, actually gotten back on a CGM and pump with the CGM. I first tried one when I was, like, eight, and they were horrible back then. Or, like, you had to calibrate a million times a day. And I just hated having, like, one extra thing on my body. And I just refused my mom, like, let it go. And we, like, never looked back. So looking back, I wish that I had had a pump in CGM at that time. I think it would have helped.

Scott Benner 22:57
Do you have other auto immune issues, anything else, or any complications from type one,

Jenn 23:02
no other autoimmune issues. I have had a history of some, like mild gastroparesis, off and on. I think it has resolved now. And so I think technically that they said that it wasn't from my diabetes, because my a one Cs were never really like over like, the highest I ever had was like one, 8.4 and so they said it wasn't from the diabetes, but looking back, like what I know now, with how much I think I was like on a roller coaster and the spikes, I do think that is was because of my diabetes.

Scott Benner 23:35
You didn't find it to be like some people need, like a digestive enzyme. It wasn't like that. It was you were having bouts of very slow digestion during higher blood sugars, you think?

Jenn 23:45
I think so. I did go through a period which was actually my senior year of high school, also, while I was dealing with like had come off the pump, that I actually did, like a liquid diet for three months and then transitioned back to regular food, and thought that it had self resolved at that point, but I've always just kind of had, like a very sensitive stomach, I think, throughout college, like it was still a little bit there. I just didn't realize it

Scott Benner 24:15
okay, you talk a little bit here about depression, is that something you have that you're dealing with now? Is it something from the past? If so, what'd you do with it? So I

Jenn 24:26
am doing much better now. It kind of followed the anxiety. So my freshman year of college, I mostly dealt with just anxiety, and then I think it got so bad by the end of that school year that over that summer, I started really having feelings of depression, and started seeing someone for it, just a psychiatrist. I don't think I went to therapy at that time, but I saw a psychiatrist and got on some anti anxiety medication and antidepressant as well, and it helped a little bit. I ended up not taking it for super long. I don't think I. I at the time, I didn't love the way it made me feel, and so I just gave up, and not the best way to handle that. But do you remember what they gave you? Like, I think, like Prozac and Gabapentin is what I started on.

Scott Benner 25:12
Did you have any, like, self harm thoughts at that point? No, no. Depression. Felt like, what to you?

Jenn 25:19
Just really sad in general, like, feeling like I was a failure and like I didn't have the energy anymore to, like, continue, like I wasn't as motivated as I used to be.

Scott Benner 25:31
Okay. Your mom have any depression? No, she did

Jenn 25:35
not. My dad had, like, an episode of depression when in his young 20s, because his dad passed away young, but that was really kind of a situational thing for him. But then my younger sister during high school developed really severe depression, yeah, kind of do have it in my family a little bit. Yeah. Was she able to manage it? It was a really long journey for her. It was really hard. She is doing a lot better now, but I think it took like, from when she probably back in 2014 to like 2020 she had some really tough years, and she's doing so much better now. I'm really proud of her. I'm glad, yeah, it was a long journey.

Scott Benner 26:12
Does she have any autoimmune stuff? I

Jenn 26:15
think she has kind of like allergies, but I know that's not really auto immune,

Scott Benner 26:18
but, but she has a lot of allergies. No,

Unknown Speaker 26:20
yeah, okay.

Scott Benner 26:22
How are you doing right now? We're halfway through. Let's make sure people know how you're you're doing at the moment, you feel better. Things are going your way. I'm good,

Jenn 26:29
yeah, no, I I'm in a really good spot mentally now. I feel like, over the last few years, I worked through so much, I went to therapy, I did medication. I'm off medication. Now, doing great,

Scott Benner 26:41
awesome. Okay, so when do you meet this boy that you let marry you?

Jenn 26:47
We met in college, so back in it was like 2017 or something. We went in college through a mutual friend,

Scott Benner 26:54
all right, how long you've been together? Then eight, eight years. A little over eight years. Wow. How long you've been married? Little over three years. Good for you, congratulations. Yeah, he's great. Is he? Is he great?

Jenn 27:09
I love him so much. He is he's funny, he's

Scott Benner 27:12
funny. Yeah, that's interesting, like, so if I said to you, drive your husband funny, I wouldn't even say that's like the main descriptor. Describe him in five different words, oh, goodness,

Jenn 27:25
determined. Hard working, caring always puts me first. Okay,

Scott Benner 27:30
describe your dad in five words, oh, goodness.

Jenn 27:33
They are no. My dad and my husband are so different, they're different, right? But my dad is a very, very caring, compassionate guy. I do think that is, I guess, something they have in common, but they're such different people. It's funny,

Scott Benner 27:47
is your husband super calm or no? Yeah, yeah,

Jenn 27:51
I feel like we balance each other out in a variety of different ways. Like I'm more nurturing. He's like, kind of rubbed some dirt in it while I was working through all of my issues at a certain point, like he was the one who told me, like I needed to figure my stuff out. And I honestly, in that moment, like what I needed was that tough love. And I don't think other I think I would have everyone else just babied me. And I think, like, you know, you need that from some people, but at a certain point, I don't think I ever would have, like, took a internal look at myself and decided that I was gonna go through the work to get everything sorted out if he hadn't been like, I need you to do this because, like, it's affecting our relationship.

Scott Benner 28:36
What do you think the impact on him was? What do you think about you impacted him enough for him to say, hey, whatever this is like, can you figure it out please? Because it sucks.

Jenn 28:47
Yeah, I know I would just like, turned from when we first started dating to, like, a year later, was when my depression got really bad. He was a year older than me, so he graduated, and we were doing long distance. We talked on the phone every day, but every day we were talking on the phone, I was ended up crying and just saying, you know, saying about how depressed I was and wasn't really like doing anything about it. And I, I can't imagine, like, I mean, how hard that would be for the person you love to be just crying on the phone to you every day when you can't do anything about it? Do you

Scott Benner 29:20
think it was breaking his heart? Yeah, yeah. And then what did you do? So you went to you went to a doctor. They gave you meds, but then you were like, No, thank you. I'm not gonna take these anymore. So what do you think actually happened? Like, where's your resolution come from?

Jenn 29:33
That was my freshman year when they prescribed me meds and I start, I tried them and stopped. So this is now a few years later. This was after I was rejected from medical school, and my depression got, like, significantly worse because of that. So then after he kind of gave me that kick in the booty, okay, well, I have to, you know, I will work on whatever I need to work on for my application. At that point, I was still like, maybe I. Study for another year and, like, reapply to medical school or whatever. But I basically, I just started at that point, kind of like I quit seeing my friends. I would go to class and come home and come back to my apartment and, like, sleep, and I was just like a shell of a human being. And after he said that to me, I started, I do think I got back in touch with a psychiatrist and therapist at that point, started doing therapy, and I started just like, you know, even when I didn't feel like it, just going through the motions of, like, normal life, seeing my friends, going to work out, going to class. Eventually, after doing that for long enough, like I actually did feel better, it did take a few years to, like, really work through all of my anxiety and depression and get to a point that I I don't feel depressed anymore. So it overall, it took a few years, but that initial, like, six months when I really went from I kind of just given up on everything to I was at least trying, not

Scott Benner 30:58
giving up on life, just giving up on like, you weren't, like, I'm gonna jump off a building. You were like, I just don't care. I'm just gonna sit around and like, whatever happens, happens. Geez. What did you find yourself like, soothing with? Was it social media? Was it like, food? Like, what did you do when you were like, I just, I'm giving up. You remember what you did? I

Jenn 31:17
think I just, like, sat in my room, in our in my apartment, and, like, watched Netflix.

Scott Benner 31:25
All right, yeah, what was the best show you watched while you were impressed?

Jenn 31:27
I think I was watching Grey's Anatomy for like, the 10th time.

Scott Benner 31:32
For the temp. Thought I've literally watched it so many times. This is the part where kereb says, yeah,

Jenn 31:38
oh yeah. I could quote it at one point, I'm sure. Well,

Scott Benner 31:43
so you're just hiding from the world a little bit. Yeah, did the access to so much entertainment make it feel like you weren't hiding, or did you know you were?

Jenn 31:52
I knew I was, yeah, okay, yeah, right. It affected a lot of friendships, unfortunately. Oh, I'm sorry, but yeah. I mean, like, I said, I'm things have, like, completely turned around, and I am so happy with where things are now. But yeah, and it was my senior year of college, and it just, I, I always looking back, I'm like, that was kind of a stinky way to end my college career, because overall it was, like, a great time, but that year, just, it was rough,

Scott Benner 32:19
not good. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so where does the eating disorder come in?

Jenn 32:26
So it kind of started in high school as well. It was like my freshman or sophomore year of high school, I was never overweight or anything, and I was athletic. I played sports growing up, but kind of like my freshman year of high school, I just started to feel like I was felt like a little chunkier than I wanted to be, and oh, gosh, I still remember I literally just looked like my mom had some of these, like, South Beach diet, like, books or something. And I literally just grabbed one. And like, I was just, like, I just want to, like, lose a few pounds, and like, feel a little like leaner. And I just read it, and I decided I was not going to eat any more carbs, and I ended up kind of developing some anorexia and just not eating enough. Had lost a quite a bit of weight. I went into therapy for that. I recovered. Did fine, really, through the rest of my high school career, but like one thing that one of my doctors said to me that I will always remember is, unfortunately, sometimes with eating disorders like it's kind of like a door that once you open, it is very difficult to like fully shut. So even though I was had recovered and was healthy and had a healthy weight and everything, it kind of came back when I had a little bout of gastroparesis my senior year of high school, and I lost some weight from that, and I was like, Oh, I'm so skinny. I love it. And then through throughout college, I kind of my weight kind of fluctuated a little bit up and down. It was just that door, like, I just couldn't fully close. So I think I I kind of continued to just, like, have a little bit of not normal eating habits,

Scott Benner 34:00
just not eating or just restricting it significantly. Or how did it manifest itself? Okay, so

Jenn 34:06
this actually kind of like comes into one of the big things I had to overcome as I was, like, preparing for pregnancy. But yeah, I was kind of off and on, and then over, I would say, kind of in, like 2021 as I was actually getting ready for a wedding, of course, I wanted to be like looking as good as possible. Unfortunately, that did kind of manifest in starting to over exercise and under eat again. So I was walking or running like four to eight miles a day, and a lot of days I was just completely skipping, not eating until dinner, and I would have just normal to bigger dinner, and so that I was probably, like, a lot of days, maybe not even hitting, like 1000 calories, and lost a little bit of weight, not even anything significant. And at that time, my diabetes was not very well managed. And so I think that. That restarted some of the gastroparesis symptoms, and then it started this horrible cycle of my stomach was upset all the time, gained some of the weight back after our wedding, and a lot of days I just like, was not eating until dinner time. And then that actually evolved into, I guess, at this point, my body was just very unhappy with me. I started, like, waking up in the middle of the night hungry because I had barely eaten that day. Like, I would wake up at like, anytime between one and 3am I consider myself someone with, like, a lot of self control and whatever, but it was something I just it was undeniable, and I, like, couldn't go back to sleep until I, like, got up and had a snack. That, of course, is terrible for your blood sugars to eat in the middle of the night, because your body just doesn't process it the same and you're not moving. And so your insulin isn't really, like, having the same effectiveness. I would take insulin for it. It wasn't ever anything with that. And I would take, like, four times the amount I would normally take for however many carbs I ate, go back to bed, wake up with my blood sugar in the two to three hundreds. Not feel good. Obviously, my stomach was hurting because I had eaten something in the middle of the night and it hadn't digested properly. Then I wouldn't be hungry all day long. I wouldn't eat again until dinner time,

Scott Benner 36:22
and this just kept happening over and over again. It was horrible.

Jenn 36:27
I felt so much shame about it, too. I didn't tell anyone. My husband is kind of a deep sleeper, so he had absolutely no idea this was going on. I tried to talk to my doctors about it, but when I was actually like, in front of them, I couldn't get myself to say, like, what was actually going on? I was so embarrassed

Scott Benner 36:46
tell you, I don't think I've ever been awoken by hunger in my life like that. That seems really like a, like, a vigorous response,

Jenn 36:53
yes, yeah. And then it's disrupting your sleep. I was sleeping terrible. So I overall, like, my health was just kind of crumbling. I felt horrible all the time. This really happened from like beginning of 2022 it was increasing in frequency over that year, and I had recently started my job as an ICU nurse. The schedule that they do for new nurses is you alternate day shift and night shift every six weeks. And so that was not helping my sleep schedule either. And I think I had gotten basically gone on this train with this weird eating situation, and then my work schedule, and I absolutely like, I could not make it stop. I tried different sleep aids, like melatonin, magnesium, nothing worked for me. And I think it was just one of those things, like every single day, like I would go into it with the intention of, like, I'm obviously not ever going to do that again. Like that. I feel horrible. I want to feel better, but then every single night, I would wake up and I just was just so weird as feeling, and I couldn't resist it. And it was so it was never an ending cycle. It felt like,

Scott Benner 38:07
do you look back on it? Jen, I'm sorry and think, like, do you have some hindsight about what happened? Were you just so, like, I don't want to say something silly, but like, Were you just so off kilter and out of step and unbalanced that everything was just impacting everything else. And everything was a problem 100%

Jenn 38:23
I it was totally looking back on it. I think it started out small and and then, like you said, I think several factors went into it and created this black hole of just everything was

Scott Benner 38:36
off. I have to tell you, there are times that I think that I'm having like, or I see people having trouble in their life where I want to just say to them, like, Hey, eat an egg. Okay, in the morning, have a nice little sandwich. In the afternoon, maybe have some protein around five or six o'clock at night, go to bed and wake up in the morning. Do that for a week in a row and see if you don't feel better. Yeah, I feel like I've seen this enough in my life to say with confidence that schedule is very important. Yes, like, just schedule yourself, and it fixes a lot of problems. You know, when you were a kid, and you would spin yourself in a circle and then just run away, yeah, you'd spin, and then you'd run, and you'd run until you fell and then you'd get up again and try to run again. You fall over. I think that happens sometimes. I think sometimes you just need to stop and just start over. Like, right? Like, just stop and start over. Sometimes, I think it's, it could be really good advice, but I want to hear what you did.

Jenn 39:30
Yeah, okay. So then now here we are, January 2023, so this has been happening for over a year now, and, oh, you're in this cycle for a year. Oh, yeah, okay, okay, learn longer. So this was when the thought first crossed my mind that my me and my husband would maybe want to have kids in the next couple years. So I really I knew that type one diabetes and pregnancy like there were extra strict goals and stuff, but I didn't really know exactly what it. Entailed. So I just, I Googled what the pregnancy goals are, and when I read that, it was, I mean, it was, like, a goal of six or less, a, 1c, and I was like, Oh, my goodness, I am, like, so incredibly far away from this. I've had diabetes for 20 years, and I've literally never been that good. And I feel like, you know, every time I go to the end, oh, I've been trying for the past few months to do better, and it I'm always like, quote, shocked by, you know, my ANC is still like, 7.5 I was like, Okay, I'm going to have to make some serious changes. And I 100% knew immediately, like, my biggest problem was that my blood sugars were running in the two to 300 every single night, and I'm like, that's such a big portion of your day. I was like, I have wanted to change this. It had been something I have it. I was like, I just really need to break this habit. But I think it was finally that thought of, I'm not going to be able to have kids if I can't change this, that I was like, Okay, I really need to hunker down and figure out how to fix this. You think you'd

Scott Benner 41:06
still be in that spiral, like, not even a spiral, but just like a dizzying, like experience, if you didn't want to have kids.

Jenn 41:13
I wonder that. And I do feel like I had gotten to the point where, just from, like, my health, I just really wanted to change. I don't think I would have at least gotten to the point that I am now if I hadn't decided I wanted to have kids. Wow, yeah, it was a big motivator.

Scott Benner 41:30
So how long you've been listening to the podcast? A year and a half? This is my takeaway after a decade, over and over again. I guess it's no great like secret to people who really study people, or, you know, psychology or anything like that. But so many people are caught in some sort of a loop right up until they decide that the love for someone else is more important. Yeah, that they want to be better for a person or an idea or a job, or because I want to have children, and I want to be there for them, or whatever. Like that feeling is snap so many people out of it. It's astounding how many people have told me that story of one kind or another. Yeah,

Jenn 42:10
no, it, I mean, it was, it was just like the thought crossed my mind, like, I mean, even if I am able to have kids, or, like, a healthy pregnancy, like, 20 years from now, am I I'm going to have all these complications from how I'm managing my diabetes currently, and I didn't want that. And so it still did take a few months, and I really still felt like I was not making any progress. I finally decided that the next step really needed to be stopping this crazy work schedule of switching day and night shift every six weeks. So I spoke with my manager and decided to apply for a medical accommodation to go straight day shift. That took only about a month to finalize, and fortunately, that was approved, so I now was just working day shift as a nurse, and it did, pretty quickly start. I started to feel better. It's still I did end up finding, like, Z Quill, melatonin, plus chamomile, something that actually, like, kind of helped me sleep through the night. It was kind of a slow progress over, like, a few months, where it was just becoming a little bit at a time, more frequent where I was actually, like, sleeping through the night and then waking up with the good blood sugar that was life changing. It still was where, if I did wake up in the middle the night, I had to use, like, literally, every ounce of willpower. And I think it was that extra motivation for wanting to become pregnant that really helped me break. That's like the will Perry power to, yeah, to stay in bed, yeah. And it was and then my, I think my body just started to get used to sleeping through the night and not feeling hungry in the middle of the night. And then I also did have to really work on, like, trying to eat like a normal person throughout the day, and, like, making sure that I was eating lunch, eating dinner at least, like I was actually nourishing myself and I wasn't waking up at them all night, because my body was like, desperately, like, you need more calories, right? So you

Scott Benner 44:08
got your calories during the day, and then you didn't have to wake up at night. But and tell me again, that whole process of breaking that cycle eating when you're supposed to be eating, etc, how long did that take you? Oh, my

Jenn 44:19
goodness, like months from the time I first started, yeah, at several months, at least from the time I first started thinking about it, to the time I actually, like, felt like I was almost had broken the whole habit was like, eight or nine months.

Scott Benner 44:32
And when you open your eyes at night and realize you were hungry and awake, and did you think, yes, but after you thought that, like, what kept your ass in bed. I

Jenn 44:41
was like, I am doing this for myself and for my husband and our future kids. Felt like

Scott Benner 44:46
you had a bigger purpose. Yeah, can I ask why you didn't work on the eating during the day, before the sleeping through the night? Part was that harder.

Jenn 44:54
I think it was harder and because of a cycle that it had created, of like, if I did eat. In the middle of the night, my stomach hurt so bad that next day that it was it was physically hard to eat.

Scott Benner 45:06
Okay, so you had I got it so you, and you've said that already, but it took me a minute to get it through my head. So you had to stop getting out of bed at night and eating so that you could actually eat during the day. Yeah, gotcha. And then once you were able to eat during the day, then you didn't wake up overnight. Yes, chakra con,

Jenn 45:23
right? I know I was like, what a what a concept, and it will well. And it was hard, because I was like, I have never heard of anyone else like, having this issue. Like, surely I'm not the only one who has ever experienced this. But I tried googling things and, like, I just couldn't find much information, and so I just felt like, I felt it was very isolating. No, no,

Scott Benner 45:46
I can't imagine. And again, your eyes are open. Your husband's not awake. You don't want to wake him up. Like, does he know this about you? He does now, yeah, but you didn't. You weren't excited to be like, Hey, honey, guess what? I wake up in the middle of the night like a crack head. You're not looking to share that with anybody, right?

Jenn 46:03
No, exactly. Yeah. Okay, yeah. It was a secret for a long time to

Scott Benner 46:07
keep this one to myself, because I sound insane. Am I right? Yes,

Jenn 46:12
yeah, I was. I felt so much shame that it was like, until I could prove to myself that I could, like, fix it. I, like, couldn't even bring myself to speak about it,

Scott Benner 46:24
and now you don't feel ashamed to share it with me. No, and I, I'm

Jenn 46:27
really proud of myself for, like, overcoming that. I think that honestly was the hardest part of this entire journey. It was wild. But I also just was like, I don't maybe I literally am the only one of your listeners who has experienced this, and I would not be shocked, but I'm also, like, if there's anyone else out there who is experiencing this, here's what worked for me. And like, it was still really hard, but like, maybe it will at least give someone else, like, a guide point.

Scott Benner 46:55
You know, I said earlier, I have takeaways from having conversations with people. One of my takeaways from my conversations with Erica in the mental health stuff is that shame is a huge part of what holds people back across all different kinds of issues, yeah, yeah. Really, just being ashamed is, yeah, it's interesting how, like, powerful it is. Oh, look at you. Do you feel accomplished now sitting here talking about it,

Jenn 47:18
yeah, I mean, I have to say I do and like, throughout, and at that point that brought my ANC from like, 7.4 to 6.1 simply by doing that, it was

Scott Benner 47:31
crazy and your stomach doesn't hurt anymore. No, it

Jenn 47:35
is so much better. I feel like I I eat on a normal person's schedule. Yeah, it's improved a lot.

Scott Benner 47:41
I think everything is so tied to keeping a tidy schedule. Yeah, I just bought the book make your bed because I was, I was having a conversation with Eric. Eric and I are making a series right now that you haven't heard yet. It'll be out by the time I say this. It doesn't matter. But Eric and I are making a series right now about goal setting and reaching goals the way I got to, got to that idea, like, I reached out to her, and I said, like, this is how our relationship works. Like, I say, Hey, do you want to talk about this? Like, do you have something to say about this? Because I'm interested in this. If you are, like, that's kind of how it goes. I had embroiled myself for a couple of days paying attention to what was very popular in this one segment on YouTube. And I realized that people were taking advantage of other people by telling them, I'm successful and you can be too. It's like, digital snake oil. Yeah, they make themselves successful. Like it would be like if I got up and I made a YouTube channel and I said, Hey, I have a very popular podcast. Here's how I did it, you could do it too. The truth is, you can't do it too. Like it's random that it happened for me. Like you can't just randomize yourself into somebody else's situation. But you hold this thing up in front of people that they want, and you tell them, here are the steps I took for it. And you know, you can do it too. And you get a lot of views that way. Like, a lot of likes, a lot of views, a lot of like, you know, a lot of what people are looking for on social media. Meanwhile, most of the people who are watching it are not going to accomplish that thing. They probably will never even try to accomplish that thing. So I started to asking myself, like, then, why are these videos so popular if it's not really a person who's there and saying to themselves, like, I want to be a popular YouTuber like this guy. Like, what is it they're getting? And I realized it seems like they're living vicariously through that person and through the idea that I am going to be successful too. It's so easy. He's explained it to me. I understand it. It's going to be me. You don't actually do it, but you get the feeling of it. And then I stepped back and I said to Erica, I'm like, I want to talk about goal setting, because it's obviously a very human idea. Like, like, right? Like, I want to set a goal. I want to reach a goal. Goal, and I want to conquer something, and then set a new goal and go again. What the people watching the YouTube videos don't realize is they've lied to themselves into thinking they're going to be whatever the YouTube video is about. But what they're really doing is setting the goal of watching the YouTube video and feeling like it's taught them something and that they're going to do something, and they've pushed their goal setting at something that's simplistic. It's like scrolling like, I don't know how much you pay attention to it, but yeah, the algorithm on Instagram, for example, it helps you to feel like you've completed a task even though you've done nothing. That's why you feel good when you're done with it, because you're like, Oh, I set out to do a thing and I did it. You set a goal and you haven't thought about it like that or but, well, listen, Jen, don't you don't have to think about it that way. Watch any number of documentaries from the people who wrote the algorithms, who are jacking your brain to make you feel like you've accomplished something, right? So crazy, yeah. And so what I said was, is, like, why don't we actually teach people how to actually accomplish something? Yeah, and we'll wrap it around diabetes, like, let them, like, set small goals for their diabetes and feel accomplished and move on. So that's what she and I are doing right now, but you did that for yourself, but you didn't know it.

Jenn 51:09
That's an interesting, like, perspective. I am, like, loving this idea for this new series of yours. Thank you, because I think it is that, like, you can listen to other people's stories, and I, for me, like, personally, like listening to your podcast, like, it helped motivate me, I think, like, I started with, like the pro tips, and then listen to all the pregnancy ones, but then, like, just hearing everyone's story on your podcast, it was, like, motivating, but to overcome, like, my specific issues I was having, Like, I did have to set my own very individual goals. Yeah,

Scott Benner 51:43
no, you have to figure out what yours are. Yeah, and listen. I'm sure there are probably people who are listening to the podcast who, right now, are making themselves feel like they're doing something because they're listening. But I think that the trick here is, is that that actually works for this podcast, because you do learn things along the way. Yes, you set them into motion, even though you don't know you're doing it. And eventually you will be better off once it's over. Whereas, if you're listening to a YouTube video about a guy who's really good at talking to people about how to be a YouTuber, that's not going to help you, because you're not going to be a YouTuber, but you do have diabetes, and you are going to learn how to Bolus if you listen long enough. Yes. Would you talk a little more about that, please, the the idea of listening and how it, how it helped you along. Yeah.

Jenn 52:28
Okay, so then, now I've had, like, made some progress on the whole sleeping thing, but I was looking for, like, something more to help. I was kind of, like, Googling, like, books about diabetes. And then it dawned on me, like, maybe someone's created a podcast about this. So I found your podcast and started with the pro tips. The first one being, like, with, you know this title about start newly diagnosed or starting over. I was like, Well, I'm completely starting over. So this is perfect. And it was so helpful. Because, like I said, I felt like I literally knew, like almost nothing about managing my diabetes other than checking my blood sugar at meals and taking in slim for it. So I listened through all of the Pro Tip series. And I think some of the main themes that I like relearned from it or learned for the first time was literally like the Pre Bolus thing, literally had not done that in years. Yeah, that was a big that was honestly such a big thing for me. And then literally, everything that you talked about in the Pro Tip series continued to help me move my ANC further down from September, was 6.1 and then by the by December, 5.5 and then a couple months later, 5.2 and I've kept it there for the past year. Good

Scott Benner 53:44
for you. Congratulations. It's awesome. Thank you. Yeah, it's really great. Can I ask you, Are you a person who classically can learn this way by listening? Or did you have to make yourself do it?

Jenn 53:57
Yes, I love learning this way. I would just go take a walk or, like, while I was driving to work or something, just have your podcast playing, and I felt like I was just absorbing so much information from it. Earlier

Scott Benner 54:10
with you, I referred to the podcast as we but it's I'm making more written content now out of the podcast, for the people who say, like, I can't listen, like it doesn't work for me, like listening doesn't work for me. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. So I'm gonna do that, but I have to be honest with you, I don't think it's gonna matter, because I think people say they want something, and then you give it to them, and often they go, Oh, that's nice. And then you look at the clicks, and you go, Oh, nobody Look at this. So I'm gonna do it, because I want there to be good content for people who learn all different ways. But I also think I've been paying a lot of attention to people who are saying, like, Listen, I'm just not a person who can listen to something auto audibly and then come away with an answer. And it's funny, because I want to tell them, like, I don't think that's how it works. I don't think you listen and then at the. The end of the hour, you just go like, Oh, I know everything I know now. Like, watch me regurgitate it right now. Like, I could write it down in bullet points. Like, I don't think it works that way. Like, I think you listen and your mind remembers bits of ideas, and then you look up six months from Wow, and you're like, Oh, I understand all this. All of a sudden. I sometimes think that people who say I understand there are people who just their brains don't work this way, and listening to something's never going to help them. But I also think there are people who have an expectation that they're going to listen for 20 minutes and then be a genius when it's over. And that's not how that works.

Jenn 55:33
Yes, actually, kind of like on that train of thought. I think over that next, like first three to six months of listening to your podcast. I mean, listen to so much, it was like a continued progress, but like, still, like you said, I mean, you're not going to listen to, like, one episode and gain all the knowledge that you need to know. But then it's also like about practicing and applying that knowledge. Because so I was, had still been on MDI and, like a FreeStyle Libre CGM, when I first started listening to your podcast, I knew I wanted to get on a pump soon in preparation for trying to get pregnant. So I started my pump in October or something that year, and was using, like, a lot of stuff, as I was learning from your podcast to apply to, like, help transition over to the pump and get comfortable with changing settings and stuff, and even like learning about the different types of insulins that you can use in the pump, like I use loom Gen, which is similar to FiOS, yep, eventually switched over to the Dexcom so that I can use the control IQ. I mean, it was just a process of, I think it took a good three to six months of being on the pump to actually be like, really comfortable with using the pump and and then even over that, like next year to be honest, like I feel like I'm sometimes, like, still learning new things about my pump, and I've been on it for a little over a year now.

Scott Benner 56:57
The first time I threw a baseball, I was a child, okay, I played little league baseball. I had catches with my dad and catches with other kids. I played in middle school for a little bit, and then after that, I didn't really play anymore. And then one day I was an adult, sort of and I had a kid, and that kid wanted to throw a baseball with me, and I did it with him. And he got older and older and older, and one day he started throwing a baseball really hard. If I would have stopped and said, Hello, Google. How do I catch a baseball? When someone's throwing it at me really fast, they go, oh, there's five steps here to catching it. It's great. If I would have taken that five steps written on a piece of paper, walked outside and said to my son, throw me the ball. Step one, the ball would have hit me right in the face. Like, right, like, so at some point, you do the thing, and you do it again, yeah, and again and again and again and again, until it just happens. And then one day, 60 feet from you is that jacked up, 20 year old throwing a baseball at you, 93 miles an hour, and you're just like, clunk, clunk, clunk. And you're just catching it, and you don't know how I would get done. Sometimes I'd be like, Oh my god, the ball didn't hit me in the face. I never knew how that didn't happen, right? I was always just like, Oh my God. Like, I can't believe I didn't get hit in the face again. The truth is, I think diabetes is like that. Like, I think, like, there are some people like, don't get me wrong. There are some people who listen. They have great like, like, their brains work a certain way. They pick out details. They sit down and make notes while they're listening. They're like, these are the instructions. They follow the instructions a few times, then they know it, right? I know there are people who are who learn that way. I'm not one of those people. I want to tell you a secret if you think that I could listen to my own podcast, having never heard it before, and then be done with it 20 hours later, at the end of a series, and be like, Oh, I know everything about diabetes. It wouldn't work that way for me. I would listen over and over and over again. I have pets in my house that have really specialized care needs, and I know exactly how to take care of them, and I can regurgitate it to you now exactly, but I did that by listening to videos and audio about how to take care of them over sometimes two and three times. And I hear people say, like, there's a post that went up this morning. This woman put up a picture. She's lovely. She and I, like go back and forth online quite a bit. Nicole, Nicole, I'm shouting out your post. It's of her car. She's driving in her car, and she's listening to Bolus sing for insulin. It's part of the Pro Tip series. She said this episode is worth replaying or listening to for the first time. You can find it as a best of you can find it. It's called Bolus sing for fat. Excuse me, bullying insulin for fat, right? She's listening to it over and over again. It's not step one, look at the ball. Step two, hold up your hand. Step three, point the glove. That's not how it works. It works where you just sit down to eat and there's french fries or an avocado or anything else that might have some fat in it that slows down your digestion, and you just go, Oh, I know that when I do this, I have to. Extend out my Bolus a little bit, yes, or I know I have to Bolus again an hour from now, because these French fries are going to slow down my digestion, and this whole thing's going to hit me, and my blood sugar is going to start climbing. And, you know, I got to get ahead of that. You're not looking like, in my opinion. You're not looking for some encyclopedic, computerized understanding of diabetes you're looking to be in a situation where, when the ball comes at you, you raise your hand and you catch and you don't even know how the it happened. Yeah, that's what, that's what I think you're trying to do,

Jenn 1:00:30
for sure. And I think with like, diabetes, that's, that's like, how you have to be because, like, you've said, like, you have to be flexible, because not every situation is going to be exactly the same. Everyone's body works different, sometimes different times of the day, or depending on what activity you've done that day, everything's gonna work different. And I that was like, kind of, I guess, another reason like that, I felt like I wanted to come talk about this subject, because going into pre like, I can't imagine not have, having, like, this past, like, year of experience of, like, practicing so many different just for so long, like, on my pump and with different diabetes scenarios, kind of and like, getting more comfortable with, like, not every day is going to be the same. It's harder when you're traveling. I just had the flu two weeks ago. Like, that was not fun. But like, I was confident enough with, like, tweaking my settings and stuff that I was like, over 90% time in range the whole week I had the flu with like, an average blood sugar of, like, 112 being able to, like, preparing for pregnancy, I think, is so important, because it is going to be like a whole new ball game. And like, you're going to be facing, like, all those changes with your hormones. And I think like feeling confident going into it that you can be flexible, and that is not going to be easy, but like having the confidence to manage things and make changes quickly as needed.

Scott Benner 1:01:54
So Jen, this is up to you. Okay, do you want to end your story here, or do you want to tell the rest about your pregnancy is, do we have time to keep talking? I make a podcast, like, I just, I have plenty of time if you do.

Jenn 1:02:06
Okay, perfect. Yeah, no, I'd like to kind of like, finish up my story, if that's okay with you. Okay, perfect. So we kind of ended up, like, pushing back when we wanted to actually start trying for, like, a little bit longer after this point where I'm now on my pump, and we had some trips last year and just life things that we kind of pushed back our timeline a little bit, even though, like, my blood sugars were in a comfortable place, and I'd gotten like to go ahead from my doctor, we started trying to get pregnant just this past December. I did not expect it to happen quickly at all, because I feel like I've heard so much like through friends and other people like it can take a while. I went into it definitely prepared for that to happen. I was shocked that the first month we started trying this December, I found out on Christmas Eve that I was pregnant, and sorry, this is maybe where I'm going to get a little teary.

Scott Benner 1:03:02
Don't worry, I've been waiting the whole hour, so go ahead. So we

Jenn 1:03:06
obviously were thrilled. I told my husband on Christmas Day, because I had been working at the hospital Christmas Eve and Christmas and I wanted to be sure, so I got a second positive test on Christmas Day, and told him that evening, after I got home from work. Unfortunately, just a few days later, I miscarried. So I had it was obviously very early. Some times the doctors, like refer to it as a chemical pregnancy. Since it is so early, I guess it just just means an early miscarriage that was obviously devastating I was in, had already been working with the MFM team that I had chosen to handle, like my pregnancy care. So I was speaking with them over the phone while this was happening, and got like blood work to confirm a few days later. And I guess kind of like from what they said, and something like that I take comfort in, is like, as devastating as it was, I think I can take comfort in, or at least from what they said, that I can't get pregnant, it will happen again. And I do believe in that, especially with the timing, oh my goodness, like Christmas and New Year's. Yeah, it was really hard, tough to

Scott Benner 1:04:16
get excited about a a new planter or whatever, because boys buy the worst gifts, is what I'm saying. And yeah, it's like, Oh, awesome. What is this? I know we're so bad at

Jenn 1:04:29
right? So the doctor kind of told us to wait a month after that, get myself, give my body some time to recover, and then we could start trying again this month. Oh, oh, this

Scott Benner 1:04:40
is it. It's gonna happen this month. I hope so. I hope so you're gonna let him try. Yeah, all right, you start on Valentine's Day a couple days from now.

Jenn 1:04:51
I was really hoping that, like, I could end the like my story would be able to end on like, our episode with like, you know. Exciting news that here I was pregnant. I had done all this work and prep and like, you know, everything worked out perfectly. But I also did go into it like, when I reached out to you, I was like, I know anything can happen. I know people who have struggled to get pregnant, whether it takes a long time. I do know other people who, like, have had a miscarriage, and you just don't know how it's going to go. But I take comfort in like, I have done everything that that is in my control, yeah, to set myself up for success. And like, I know that, like when we do get pregnant, I will have done everything I can to prepare to have, like, a healthy pregnancy. Those are the things that are in my control. And that's

Scott Benner 1:05:42
right, that's all you can do. What I've done, yeah, and listen, I'm not certain, but I don't see a reason why you can't have a healthy pregnancy like it you've set yourself up really well. And of course, what happened is incredibly unfortunate, but I don't know that that means indicative of what's going to happen next. You know, right, what do they think the doctors, what did they talk about?

Jenn 1:06:04
Yeah, that's kind of what they said, too. So I think unfortunately, like, early miscarriage is a little bit more common than people realize. Sometimes, a lot of times that people don't even know. I mean, I was testing before I was even due for my period. I

Scott Benner 1:06:19
was gonna say, like you were testing, that's how you found out so quickly, right? There's a world where, if you weren't trying to have a baby, this could have happened. Would it have even made a blip for you? Would you even have noticed? No,

Jenn 1:06:29
I would never have known. Okay, I mean, I did start to have a little bit of some symptoms, like the last two days, but, yeah, I might never have even known, because early pregnancy symptoms. Can really just miss that too, absolutely no so I might never have even known. And so yeah, the doctors were like, just kind of reassured me, like it is, unfortunately, a little more common than people realize, but that they don't think it has any indication of like, it doesn't mean it's more likely for it to happen again. It was just wasn't a viable

Scott Benner 1:07:07
I'll be random, just not a viable pregnancy. Random. Did that trigger any of your anxiety or depression? I

Jenn 1:07:13
am kind of surprised, like I feel like I have handled it very, kind of well,

Scott Benner 1:07:19
unlike how you might have when you were younger, yeah, so you went with, I'll just rub some dirt on it.

Jenn 1:07:24
I think I was, like, appropriately sad and stressed out about it for especially the first couple weeks. I actually started a new job, like the week after. So honestly, that was kind of a good distraction.

Scott Benner 1:07:36
Keep going, keep moving. Yeah? And I

Jenn 1:07:40
think I, yeah, I grieved, and then just trying to, trying to, like, reassure myself that there is still hope for the next time. And, you know, I had my husband there to support me, and I confided in, like, a couple of my close friends, and they have been really supportive of me. And so I feel now like I don't feel like it has, like, re triggered, lovely, my anxiety and depression. Yeah, how

Scott Benner 1:08:03
did Mr. Rub some dirt on it handle the the problem? Great. Question.

Jenn 1:08:08
I think he was very sad too. Um, obviously. And the first this was, like, right around New Year's and stuff, and the weather where we live was has been really cold and

Scott Benner 1:08:20
likes, it's terrible. Let's just say it's terrible. Yeah, yeah. People kind

Jenn 1:08:25
of, yeah. We kind of, like, he had some time off from work because of the holidays, and I had too. So we just, like, kind of hung out and, like, watched our favorite movies, and we went over to a friend's house for New Year's, and I was, I will say about, like, a week and a half after it happened, I was still kind of, like, kind of gloomy. And he did get to a point where he was like, okay, Jen, like, we gotta, like, we can't be talking about this 24/7 anymore. It's like, I do kind of want, I want my wife back. Yeah. And I was like, you know, you're kind of right. I kind of every single conversation that we have had was me either saying that I was bummed about it or, like, talking about something pregnancy related. And it did kind of push me back into okay, I can be sad about this, and I have grieved this, and I'm still grieving a little bit, but kind of need to focus on moving forward. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:09:20
you have to do regular things again and not feel like those regular things are perspective wise, not important anymore, because I've lost the pregnancy. Have this experience. The experience is so big and powerful that everything else pales in comparison. And so it's hard to say, like, oh, we should go to a movie, because it feels Am I right? It's like, well, we should go to a movie, but I mean, how can we go to a movie in a world where we lost the pregnancy? You gotta stop judging this, this tragedy, against the rest of life, I think

Jenn 1:09:48
exactly. And I think honestly, that first month that we started trying, that's kind of how I was, like, it was kind of all consuming for me. Like I felt like I was thinking all day about, like, oh, like, you. Ovulation strips to track my ovulation and stuff. And so I was, I'm as me being a planner and stuff like, and I was just very excited about it. It did kind of start to, like, kind of consume, like, most of my thoughts. And I was very focused on it. And so I do think too, like coming out of that, and like having him kind of remind me, like I do need to focus on, like, on other aspects of our lives. I do think it kind of like reminded me going forward and now, like, starting this month and kind of moving forward, I feel like I am able to do a better job of remembering that my the rest of my life is not stopping just because we're trying to get pregnant.

Scott Benner 1:10:40
What's the plan now this time? Are you going to just bang a bunch and then wait to not get your period? Are you going to keep tracking with pregnancy strips and stuff

Unknown Speaker 1:10:48
like that? Oh, I'm totally still tracking.

Scott Benner 1:10:51
Ken, this was a nice moment for you to say. I'm just throwing caution to the wind. It'll just be okay, and I'll know when I'm pregnant because I won't get my period. No, no,

Unknown Speaker 1:11:00
my mom

Scott Benner 1:11:02
would be very proud

Jenn 1:11:04
exactly my doctor told me, when I told her, like, we were gonna start trying, she was like, you know, for the first few months, like, don't try tracking your ovulation. Like, just, like, relax and just let it be and don't stress about it. And I was like, girl, do you know me? Because no

Scott Benner 1:11:21
or what if we just use this calendar and have very cold sex on these specific days and times? Okay?

Jenn 1:11:29
Yeah, right. I think that's what she was worried about. And I was like, Okay, if not gonna like for me, I would just rather have more information than not. And I but it's not gonna make it you're not making

Scott Benner 1:11:41
it overly clinical. You're just paying attention. Yes, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with that. That seems fine. Yeah, I think so too. I mean, as long as it doesn't turn into an 80 sitcom where you're like, calling your husband and going, it's two o'clock, meet me in the den. You know what? I mean? Like, it's, I think you're fine. So

Jenn 1:11:55
doing a better job moving forward of not letting it like, consume my every thought, but still just having information for myself and tracking things so that I Well, Jen,

Scott Benner 1:12:07
let me. Let me tell you something. You've said a ton of impressive things in this time we've been talking you've talked about and laid out how you've experienced anxiety and depression and work through it, how you've had eating disorders, and work through it, like you've talked about, like, pulling your life together, because it sounds like you were out of control for a while, like, just the Yeah, with your schedule and how you felt your body constantly. I think that honestly, that's a major win. Like putting yourself back on that schedule, getting up in the morning, making your bed doing the things that are supposed to get done. Like, you know, eating, when you're supposed to eat, sleep, when you're supposed to sleep, that's a big deal. Like, I'm super proud. I don't know you, I'm super proud. Yeah, I appreciate that. No, no, it's a thing that I trumpet around here all the time. My son listened to me. I'm super excited when he was younger, I'd be like, Man, listen to me. I'm gonna say some boring go to bed on time, get up at a certain time, eat some food, get moving exercise. Like, do these things, like they help, like, they make life better. And he does them. And I'm like, awesome if I get everybody else to listen. But by the way, Jen, I wanna tell you a secret. If everybody would just listen to me, they'd

Jenn 1:13:19
be fine. I mean, honestly, yeah, I can't argue with that. No. I mean, I'm

Scott Benner 1:13:24
right, but I don't, doesn't mean I can do it all the time. Like, I talked to Erica too, about, like, some of this mental health stuff, yeah, I should list, you know, I wish you could listen. When we're not talking. Sometimes she's like, I don't know, I have trouble getting this done. Like, the only, like, people are gonna struggle with things. And I'm not saying, Just do what I say, and everything will work out. But what I'm saying is bigger picture. There are ways to do things that give you a much better chance of success. Yeah,

Jenn 1:13:50
yeah. And then, like, I mean, I'm not perfect by any means. Like, my day to day still has I'm still kind of going with the flow. Like on some days I don't have as great as of a blood sugar day or whatever. But I think it is just that, like, yeah, like, I look back and like, look at how far I've come, and I'm just like, wow, I you know, I wish I had done this so much sooner. And like, I mean, it's completely changed my life. And like, how I feel, like, health wise, on a day to day basis, awesome, but I'm not perfect, and I don't want anyone listening to this, to think, like, you have to be perfect to have a healthy pregnancy, or just be healthy in general, like you don't

Scott Benner 1:14:26
need to feel ashamed when you're not perfect either. Like, just, like, expect some like, I'm not saying there won't be, listen, if you don't think there are nights when, like, at two o'clock in the morning I'm like, why am I not sleeping? Like that happens to me generally, like, once in a while. But moreover, like last night, I got tired. I stood up and I was like, I'm going to bed. I could stay up longer. I could hang out here with you guys while you're doing whatever you're doing. Arden's doing homework at midnight or something. Like, I'm like, I'm not doing that. Like, I'm going to sleep. And you know what? I woke up this morning, 650 refreshed. Wow. I'm like, I'm a. Wake I'm good. I had a nice morning. I got things accomplished. I did work. I was supposed to. I had a nice conversation with you. I'm nice and awake now. I'm gonna get done here. I'm gonna go now, Susan, I'm an egg. Understand, just a little egg, the little protein I might maybe I'll poach it, put it over toast. Who knows? Like you know, you're gonna get a little protein, a little bit of food. I'm gonna go work some more. Drink some water, talk to people, try not to impose my will on people online, like a lunatic, like, I see people doing constantly the argument that's going on right now around COVID vaccines. Like, I can't believe it's my job to go moderate that. When you and I are done, I don't want to be involved. But here I am. I'm gonna go explain the difference between an opinion and fact to adults, it's fine, it's part of my job, right? But I'll keep a good attitude about it, and I'm gonna go get my hair cut, like, later this afternoon, and I'm gonna make dinner, and then I'm gonna, like, hang out with my family for a little bit. I'm gonna celebrate the fact that the Eagles beat the living out of the chiefs in the Super Bowl. Get awesome. I don't care if you don't if you're a cheese fan, take it. No, you got your feet. Just live through it. Yep. And then I'm gonna go to bed on time again. And guess what? It works out better that way. It just does the

Jenn 1:16:11
simple pleasures in life. I think at a certain point in adulthood, you realize sometimes going to bed at 830 is the most beautiful thing. Jen, I don't

Scott Benner 1:16:20
want to make over simplify this, but go to sleep and sleep when the lights are off. Okay? Like, it's not that hard, like, and it really, really helps you. And people told me that three years ago, I was telling over you every time I list you, you should have been in my kids here, when he went to college, I'm like, go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Tomorrow, it'll be there again. It'll be there again tomorrow. It'll be there again tomorrow. Like, go to sleep. That is super important. When you're fighting against that, you're fighting against a lot more, and your story is just a, like, an amplified version of it. Like you were just being you were tormented by your schedule.

Jenn 1:16:54
Yes, yeah, my whole body was out of whack. Somebody put you in a trash can,

Scott Benner 1:16:59
a beat on the side of it with a pipe, and then let you out. And they're like, go live. And you're like, I can. I like, I can I feel nauseous. So what do we call this one? Yep, rub some dirt on it. Or, because that was a great thing, you?

Jenn 1:17:09
I like that one. Yeah, I'll have to tell my husband. He his line made the title well,

Scott Benner 1:17:15
because, truth be told, right? Like he's the one who snapped you out of, like, your situation.

Jenn 1:17:21
Oh, he is I, yeah, I love him for it. Oh, God.

Scott Benner 1:17:24
I mean that should buy him some like, how many things can you screw up? Maybe, probably not a lot. Actually. You know what? It's fun now, while you're like, just the two of you, once you have a baby and he pisses you off again, you'll forget about that. You'll be like, yeah, he's letting me and my prince down, or princess, whichever you end up having any chance, if the baby's a boy, will be naming it. Scott, well,

Jenn 1:17:45
when I emailed you initially, I asked, what your I want to know what your middle name is. I don't know if you're willing to share. Yes, you know you Okay, no, okay, that was, like, not a dig. I just like,

Scott Benner 1:17:58
I'm curious. My I have such a terrible middle name, I can't, I can't begin to explain, yeah, you're not naming your baby my middle name, trust me. Okay,

Jenn 1:18:06
okay, fine. Well, I know, but I honestly, because I've heard you ask people that, and I was like, I mean, honestly considering it, like, just if there's a way we can incorporate something, what about

Scott Benner 1:18:18
Ben for my you could use part of my last name, named Benjamin, maybe. Do you like a Benner? Actually,

Jenn 1:18:23
Benjamin is one of my top baby names. I honestly love that. Yeah, if you choose

Scott Benner 1:18:27
Benjamin, please just tell people you named them after a diabetes podcast or and I swear to God, I will. You can come to my funeral. Okay, you can be the you can be

Jenn 1:18:37
the top of my list. So I'll have to email you and keep you updated. Can

Scott Benner 1:18:43
I be Uncle Scott? If this happens, I'll send you a picture. Seriously, I'm coming to the you sound like you're you sound Christian? Is there a dress thing? Yeah, we are. Yeah. I heard it in your anxiety, by the way, in case you're watching,

Jenn 1:18:58
yep, no, you're very insightful. What's your background? Like, Irish and German? Yeah, my husband is, like, he's from a, like, very Catholic family. Is

Scott Benner 1:19:08
he Italian or is he Irish as well? Yes, Italian, yeah. I know how it goes. Don't worry. Yeah. I understand how this all works. Yeah. People really think you're out there living some singular life that's so unique.

Jenn 1:19:21
No, it's not. I was, yeah, well, and I was like, I mean, who knows? Like, if anyone else I had to be like, are there other episodes that, like, have my exact story? I was like, I think we have some unique aspects in here. Everybody

Scott Benner 1:19:33
has listen. Everybody has a unique story. My My point is just that when people think like that, they're so special all the time, like, these things are being repeated over and over again. Like, I didn't guess your husband was Italian, like, because I just picked it out of the air. I'm like, Oh, she's Irish. She's Catholic. She definitely married another Catholic guy. Yeah, usually the real pasty ones don't go together. So you probably picked the guy with the tan, and I went with our went with, oh my

Jenn 1:19:55
gosh, you're literally, I am. So I get a good tan in the summer. But I am so pasty in the winter, and he is tan all year round. How the world

Scott Benner 1:20:04
works, don't worry. Yeah, you're all making basic decisions off of something that's primal. So Nevertheless, I just seem like a genius when I say like this, except the people who don't like me are just like, he's just a pompous asshole. I'm like, Yeah, okay, live your life. No, that's fine. Jen loves me and and her baby's name is going to be Benjamin one day, so go off.

Jenn 1:20:24
Yeah, yeah. No, I really I do like that name, and I mean just to kind of like, thank you. Like your podcast, truly, like it has changed my life, and like my diabetes management, and I truly am so grateful for what you do has made a big impact on me, and I appreciate you now you're gonna make

Scott Benner 1:20:42
me cry. Don't do that. I made it through your pregnancy story without crying. No, although Can I tell you what weird thing happened during your pregnancy story? What I imagined me putting my hand on the belly of my son's wife one day, and it made me sad, like it made me happy sad, like I got teary. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what in the middle of that, my son's not nowhere near having a baby. I don't even know if he wants one. I actually found myself thinking about, like, Oh, I wonder what will happen if my kids have, like, I started feeling parental towards you, and then it made me go like that. So anyway, no, it's a special thing. So no, it's awesome. Very sweet. Well, this is very nice. You don't have to, like, bum it. Like I was trying to joke our way to the end of this, but now, like, I seriously, really appreciate this. Like, if that podcast helped you or anybody else, it's just the greatest thing. I'm okay at taking the compliment. Now, like, I appreciate it, and thank you, and I'm glad. Like, but like, if I stop and think about it too long, it just the happiness that comes from what you said. It really is overwhelming. I think it's why I stopped myself from feeling it so much. When people say it,

Unknown Speaker 1:21:44
no, that's, that's totally fair. Yeah, it's,

Scott Benner 1:21:48
it's just a lot to take in. Sometimes

Jenn 1:21:50
I get sappy occasionally. So I had to, I had to throw that out there because I hadn't said it yet.

Scott Benner 1:21:56
So no, don't be sorry. It's really, it's lovely. I really, genuinely appreciate it. Okay, all right. Hold on one second for me. Okay.

A huge thanks to us med for sponsoring this episode of the juice box podcast. Don't forget us med.com/juice, box. This is where we get our diabetes supplies from. You can as well, use the link or call 888-721-1514, use the link or call the number get your free benefits check so that you can start getting your diabetes supplies the way we do from us med. A huge thanks to Omnipod, not just my longest sponsor, but my first one. Omnipod.com/ omnipod.com/juice box. If you love the podcast and you love two plus insulin pumps, this link is for you. Omnipod.com/juice box. Earlier you heard me talking about blue circle health, the free virtual type one diabetes care, education and support program for adults. And I know it sounds too good to be true, but I swear, it's free, thanks to funding from a big T 1d philanthropy group, blue circle health doesn't bill your insurance or charge you a cent. In other words, it's free. They can help you with things like carb counting, insurance navigation, diabetes technology, insulin adjustments, peer support, Prescription Assistance and much more. So if you're tired of waiting nine months to get in with your endo or your educator, you can get an appointment with their team within one to two weeks. This program is showing what T 1d care can and should look like currently if you live in Florida, Maine Vermont, New Hampshire, Ohio, Delaware, Missouri, Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa or Louisiana. If you live in one of those states, go to blue circle health.org to sign up today. The link is in the show notes, and please help me to spread the word blue circle health had to buy an ad because people don't believe that it's free, but it is. They're trying to give you free care if you live in Florida, Maine, Vermont, Ohio, Delaware, Alabama and Missouri. It's ready to go right now. And like I said, they're adding states so quickly in 2025 that you want to follow them on social media at Blue circle health, and you can also keep checking blue circle health.org to see when your free care is available to you. Hey, thanks for listening all the way to the end. I really appreciate your loyalty and listenership. Thank you so much for listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast. The episode you just heard was professionally edited by wrong way recording, wrongway recording.com, you.

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