#1903 The Secret I Kept
The Secret I Kept
Erin was diagnosed with type 1 at eight and spent years hiding it, tangled up with an eating disorder. Now in recovery, she talks about shame, secrecy, and finding her way back.
Jump to a moment
- Recovery from a disordered relationship with food and insulin is possible — even after years. Erin describes her A1C today as the best it’s been since she was about ten, and says she’s in the best place she’s been in a very long time. Her point in coming on was simple: people can and do get better.
- Shame and secrecy did a lot of the damage. Erin kept her type 1 hidden for years and hid what she was struggling with on top of it — and she’s clear that the hiding, more than anything, is what she’d tell a younger version of herself to let go of sooner.
- What finally helped was a combination, not a single fix: growing up and taking ownership of her own care, a therapist who set firm, caring boundaries, ongoing therapy, and medication (Wellbutrin) that she says has been helpful. There was no magic moment — she wishes there were.
- Small goals beat all-or-nothing thinking. Her advice from the other side: trying something is better than trying nothing, and steadier blood sugars made a real difference in how she felt day to day and in her ability to keep going.
- Complications can show up even as things get better — and that isn’t a verdict on your worth or your effort. Erin is candid that she’s dealing with some, and frames it plainly: she’s “not a magic unicorn.” Getting screened, and staying honest with your care team, is part of the work.
- National Alliance for Eating Disorders — US helpline and free clinician referrals for all eating disorders
- NEDIC (Canada) — National Eating Disorder Information Centre; helpline and support for Erin’s home country
- We Are Diabetes — support specifically for type 1 and eating disorders (including insulin restriction)
- Mental Wellness Series (Erica Forsyth) — ongoing conversations about mental health and type 1 (verify slug)
- Juicebox Podcast Facebook Group — community around type 1 (verify URL)
- Juicebox Podcast — all series and free resources
Every word of the conversation
Meet Erin0:00
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Diagnosed at Eight, 20082:23
My name is Erin, and I've been type one diabetic since I was eight years old. So I was diagnosed back in 2008.
2008. What are you? '26?
'26. Yes.
Wow. That's great math on my part right there. I, failed algebra, but I was good with the pluses and the minuses, just so you know. You, started differently than almost everybody else.
Did I? I had no idea what to say.
No. It wasn't what you said. It was the tone you set it in. You were like, well, yeah. So I'm Aaron.
It was like it was like that. I I can't wait to find out what all that means. So tell me a little bit about yourself current day. You're working, in grad school. Like, what's your life like right now?
I'm actually just going back to school in this coming September. I had taken some time off while managing some diabetes related things, so I'm going back to a life sciences degree in September.
Okay. To finish up your undergrad? Yes. Undergrad. Interesting.
Okay. We're gonna find out about this. Your parents, they're married, divorced?
They are married. I live on my own, but I live very close to them, and I I see them a lot. I'm I have a good relationship with my family.
Nice. Brothers and sisters?
Yes. I have three older brothers.
Wow. That's a that's a thing. How about those TikTok videos where older brothers come in the room, like, they grab your hair, fart, and run out? Is that a thing that actually happens?
I'm I honestly, I've I'm not on TikTok, so I don't know what I haven't seen videos like that. But, no, my brothers are great. They're definitely on the protective side, like, a lot of people assume. But, yeah, I loved growing. I loved being the baby of the family, and they definitely spoil me.
So Nice. Anybody else in the family have type one or maybe other autoimmune issues?
No. I'm the only type one, and no autoimmune issues as far as I know.
How about for you? Do you have any others? No. Okay. Interesting enough.
You're diagnosed when you're eight?
Yes.
When you're eight years old, what do you remember happening?
So I remember I the thing that brought me to the doctors was my excessive thirst. I was drinking so much all the time, so thirsty. So my parents brought me to our family doctor who was actually away at the time, and it was a different doctor subbing in. And he didn't seem concerned, didn't wanna run any tests, said, you know, it's probably the change of season. Two months later, I was still at this point, you know, weight was an issue.
I was still drinking, still constantly going to the bathroom, everything. So my parents brought me back, and my regular family doctor immediately was like, well, we need blood work. So got the blood work. I was getting ready for school one morning, and the doctor called my mom and said her blood sugar is at 47. You need to bring her to the emergency room.
So, yeah, I remember going to the emergency room really confused because I didn't feel sick, and everyone, you know, kept telling me, oh, like, you must feel so you're gonna feel so much better soon. And in my head, I was like, I feel like I always feel. Mhmm. So, yeah, got thrown into all that at eights. Hey.
When your blood sugar was low
when they took it?
Oh, no. Sorry. So I'm in Canada. So Oh. '47
You didn't say that. You didn't say you lived in another planet. Now I understand. Yeah. Okay.
That's fine. Yeah. Okay. Because I was confused for a second. I was like, for because sometimes people do experience low blood sugars in the lead up to their diagnosis.
So I Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just wanted to be sure. Now I hear it. You said, oh, yeah.
And now I I don't know how I missed it to begin with. Sorry about that. Your oh, yeah gave you away. Okay. So 47, I guess, just for the people.
Wow. Hold on a second. That is a banger of a blood sugar. You were Yeah. You were up there.
Your a one c was probably crazy by the time they caught you. Yeah.
It was it was, like, 13 or somewhere around there.
Were you in DKA when they got into the hospital or no?
I was. Yes.
Yeah. But you said you've you felt fine, though, you said?
Well, I just I, like, I felt no different than I felt day to day, like, which in hindsight, I wasn't feeling great, but I was just Getting used to living like that.
So I'm sorry. I cut you off. But, yeah, you were getting used to feeling like that. Yeah. I see.
Okay. Well, do they do in Canada? I mean, immediately, I guess, they strap you to, like, three sled dogs and they take you take take you to the big hospital in the city. Right? Like, or what happens?
A Crash Course in Type 17:23
Yeah. So I was in the hospital for, I think, like, four days. My parents got, like, the crash course, all that. Got started on insulin. So back in 2008, so I there was no CGM.
Mhmm. So and I was on NPH and rapid acting insulin. And back then, one thing I really remember that sticks out in my childhood is not going by, like, dosing for what I was eating. It was like I had certain times of the day I would eat, and I had a certain amount of carbs I had to eat at that time
Mhmm.
And not go over that range, not go under that range because my insulin was, like, set doses. Like, I wasn't adjusting my insulin based on what I ate.
Shooting at a certain time, eating a certain amount of food?
Yeah. Okay.
And how long did you do it that way for?
Definitely at least a year. And then I think finally, we got introduced to the, like, insulin to carb ratios kind of idea, and then I eventually switched to, like, Lantus and still rapid Humalog or yeah.
How do your parents handle the the division of labor around diabetes? Is it like, don't worry. We take care of it, or did they do that? Like, it's her disease thing. She's gotta figure it out.
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Yeah. So I was definitely a very, like, independent child. Like, I liked to do things myself. So I was always very involved, but so were they. So even, you know, letting me I eventually started taking over calculating my doses and drawing it up in the syringe, and my mom would double check or we'd do the calculation together.
It was very much a team thing
Yeah.
Which was nice. I liked, you know, knowing what was going on. I liked feeling like I could calculate it myself.
Mhmm.
So, yeah, I I would say my mom definitely my dad was kind of in the background. My mom definitely took the the driver's seat there. But
So
Yeah. It was good.
Yeah. Did your was your mom, like, a work was she, like, a stay at home mom? Did she have a job? Do you remember any of that?
No. Both my parents worked. In the very beginning, they would drive home from work at lunch to give me insulin at lunch at school, because my school didn't have, like, a nurse or anything like that. So, it was really up to them to get there to give me insulin.
Yeah. Did you feel isolated? Did your were your friends reasonable about all this? Were you nervous or confused or embarrassed, anything like that growing up?
Yeah. So in the beginning, when I was first diagnosed, I I wouldn't say, like, I was excited, but I thought it was kind of cool. Like, I thought, like, oh, like, wow. Like, this is different. And I specifically remember telling one of my friends, like like, guess what?
Like, I was diagnosed with, like, diabetes. And at the time, that friend's response really shaped how I ended up feeling for the rest of my childhood because they they instantly said, oh, that's because you eat too much sugar. And all of a sudden, my full idea of it switched, and I felt so much shame around it. And from that point on, I kept it a huge secret. I did not tell anyone that didn't need to know.
I hid it from my classmates, from friends even as long as I could. It was just this big secret because I felt so much shame around it.
Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks. Do you think they was that a a malicious thing from that person, or you think it's just the thing they thought to say because it's the thing they heard?
Learning to Hide It13:22
I I think it's just what they heard. Like, it was we were young at the time. And I think, like, you know, hearing things about, like, type two or, you know, knowing different people with other types of diabetes and just the misconceptions.
Mhmm. You know? But it's you're saying it stuck to you, though, like, a long time or just in your adolescence?
For a long time. Like, up until I was probably, like, 18, 19.
Okay. Did you ever reexamine it? Like, did you ever stop and say to yourself, like, maybe they're wrong or, like, try to you know what I mean? Like, try to reframe it for yourself?
Yeah. I think definitely as I was a little bit older in my teenage years, you know, I I knew that, you know, I didn't cause this. This is people have misconceptions of how this happens or what it means, but I just felt ultimately that if people knew, they would have this idea of me or they would assume things. And I didn't really realize at that point that I could help educate. I could help, you know,
improve. I mean, nor could you have to if you don't if you're not interested in it. But so I okay. So initially, it's, oh gosh. What you know, I'm different.
I'm I can take care of myself. You're on not excited, like you said, but you you're up for the the the challenge of diabetes. This person says something to you about the sugar thing. At some point, you realize that's not even true, but the protectiveness comes from thinking, like, I don't need to go through this with every person I meet. Right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm not looking to be the the encyclopedia diabetes and explaining everything to everybody.
Yeah.
Gotcha. Do you do the what would you do now in present day if somebody said that?
I think I would definitely just say, like, oh, it's an autoimmune disorder. Like, it I don't know why it happened. There's they don't really know why, or just something simple. Like, I wouldn't. Or I might not even say anything if it's someone I'm I know I'm never gonna see again or Mhmm.
You know?
It might just be like, listen. Yeah. I gotta go. I I can't I can't spend a lot of time here with you today explain explaining this whole thing to me. I gotta go play hockey.
Right? Okie? Yeah. Yeah. Or something.
Whatever you guys do. What whereabouts in Canada are you?
Ontario. Okay.
I don't know what that means, but I appreciate you telling me. Is that, like, in the middle?
It's I live in Southern Ontario, so near Toronto, if you know where Toronto is.
Yeah. Sure. Like like, North Of New York ish. Like, that way.
Yeah.
Right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So Ontario's I I'm feeling a lot of pressure in my mind from the people I know from Canada who are gonna be really disappointed that when you said Ontario, I was like, I don't know where that is.
But okay. So I gotta I don't wanna fast forward too much, but it sounds like you went away to school and something happened. I'm gonna get to that. But first, I wanna understand what it was you know, once you were counting carbs and managing, I imagine you switched to a pump at some point. At some point, you got a CGM.
What what have your outcomes been like throughout this time with diabetes? And, you know, were you having other health issues or other concerns? Anything struggles that were piling on top of the, you know, the base struggle of the diabetes?
So, yeah, I'll start with I did not want a pump as a child. I actually just started on a pump two years ago, so when I was 24. And the reason for that was also just I didn't want anybody to see that I had diabetes. I really didn't want to draw any attention to it. I didn't want to be connected to something.
So, yeah, my parents always wished I would've, you know, been open to the pump, but they didn't force me, which I do appreciate. They didn't force me. And so I eventually decided I wanted to try that on my own. In terms of other things going on and that I struggled with, I would say a lot of mental health issues, the main one being an eating disorder.
Okay. Is so first question would be, do you think you had mental health issues prior to the diabetes, or do you like, when did you notice them first, and and how did it appear? It was my first question.
An Anxious Kid Who Danced17:46
I mean, I was an anxious kid, not like you know, I was, yeah, I was an anxious kid, but really, it was I think it didn't even it was more like body image. I grew up as a competitive dancer as well. Mhmm. And my studio was great. There was no pressure to look a certain way or anything like that.
But you just you spend a lot of time in front of mirrors, and I definitely developed some, like, body image concerns at the time. And that kinda led to a few different things happening, like restricting my food. And then, eventually, I would sneak food and not take insulin for it, not even knowing what like, there was no reason for not taking insulin for it except for being ashamed that I that I ate, like Yeah. An extra amount of food or whatever. And then it was really just through that process that I then discovered, the weight loss that can happen if you're not taking insulin.
And then did you start manipulating your insulin then for weight reasons?
Yes.
Yeah. How about how, old? About what age did that start?
About 15.
Okay. Can I ask you a a backward looking question? Would 26 year old you have told 15 year old you that you you needed to lose weight, or is that just the thing that was in her head?
Oh, that was definitely just the thing that was, yeah, in my head. I was very I would say average. Mhmm. You know?
Can I ask you, like, when you're obviously, I don't have any context being a girl? But when you're in that situation, what is it? Is it is it is it just the way you see yourself, or is it the the contrast between you and the person next to you? Like, what do you think leads the I mean, for you at least? What led to the feeling of, like, the way I am isn't the right way?
Feeling Different19:41
I think definitely comparison played a large part in it. Just comparing myself to people who were smaller, and just feeling like I looked worse or I looked wrong and that I could look better.
Yeah. Compared to like, looked worse or wrong compared to what?
Just compared to some of my peers that were just naturally more lean. And
Mhmm.
Honestly, not even just weight wise, but, like, especially in dance, like, with, like, longer legs and that were taller. I just felt like they looked so much better dancing, and that's not even something I could change. You know? I can't change the length of my legs or whatever.
Yeah.
But the one thing I felt like maybe I could change was to lose a little bit of weight.
Did you feel like you enjoyed dance, or was it torturous?
Oh, no. I loved it.
Okay. So you loved it. It's this aspect of it that brings out this other part of of your thinking?
Yeah.
Okay. When does it become a thing that you're not I I don't know if this is the wrong word. You'll stop me around. But when does it when does it become a thing that you're not in control of anymore? When are you making decisions that are just, like feel like they're autopilot decisions?
Probably, like, pretty quickly. Like, once I especially with the manipulating insulin, once I started doing that, it really spun out of control pretty quickly. And I, for many years, felt like I was so stuck.
And interested in a pattern of I'll keep my I'll keep my insulin low to keep my weight down. And then were you still restricting food at the same time?
I was. I was restricting, but I was also binging and purging. It was really chaotic in terms of food. Mhmm.
How do you figure out how to purge?
I don't actually I've been reflecting on that because I thought that might come up. I I don't know how I how I figured it out. I don't know if I watched some like, I can't imagine I watched something. I mean, I did it for the first time at 13. Social media was only just kind of starting to be a thing.
Yeah. I I don't know. I just I had this idea in my head, and I
Like, I'll get the I'll get the food out.
Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, we could you know what I'm say I mean, obviously, you know what I'm saying because you've been thinking about it. But, I mean, there's one thing to think I wish I weighed less or I wish I looked differently. It's another thing to, like, jump to, oh, you know what I should do? I could just make myself throw up, and then the food wouldn't be in there anymore.
Like, that's a elite. You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. It's and but you don't know where the where the onus came for it.
No. I I really don't.
It's interesting. I wonder if it's just colloquial, like, background noise in the world. Like, you know what I mean? Like, something people say offhandedly, jokingly, or whatever, and it's a thing you hear at some point that you go, oh, maybe that is the way to handle this. Did you ever consider going to your parents at that point?
Reaching Out for Help22:57
I how my parents got involved was I actually initially went to one of my dance teachers because I was just so miserable, and I didn't have, like, the energy to dance. It's not like it was helping my self esteem or my body image issues either. So I kind of confided in her, and she encouraged me to let my parents know what was going on, and she helped me do that. So from there, I let my parents know what was going on. We then, they brought it to my endocrinologist, who then referred me to a eating disorder clinic.
And was that inpatient or outpatient?
I started off outpatient. I was inpatient a few times, would kinda go in, stabilize things, would come out, things would fall apart again. And then eventually, I did I was a they have a day program, so I would go to hospital Monday to Friday every day. And that, you know, helped me get into a good routine.
Yeah. Isn't it isn't it interesting that you can feel shame for a body image reason? And then the step you take to try to impact it, you feel shame for that as well.
Oh, yeah.
But you don't feel good about the body image. You didn't go like, oh, well, at least I traded the shame over here for you know, I feel good on this side now. So you felt like, no matter what you did, I'm imagining, but I'm gonna ask you. Did you ever end up feeling good about your body?
I think I I would say I didn't really. Yeah. Because even when I was a smaller size, I still either the panic was, well, how do I stay this size? Or it was, you know, it's still not good enough. So that feeling of, like, relief never really came.
I never really felt like, okay. Like, I'm good now here or, you know, anything like that.
Oh, that's a shame. And then you said you were in and out a lot of treatment. So it was so is it ultimately not I mean, I don't know what the the the question here is. It's like, is it ultimately not helpful or it's just not completely helpful? Like, why you know, what's the stop and go?
Is it more about the therapy that you need to do around it to make the, you know, make the the push go away to feel the to feel it? I don't understand any of this. So I'm gonna need you to explain it to me. Like, what's the process that gets you to where well, I guess maybe let's do this. I'm sorry.
I'm all over the place now. Where are you where are you right now?
Where She Is Now25:39
I'm in a good place now. I'm I'm doing the best I have in a very long time. Like I said, I'm on a pump now. I'm on
the
tandem, and my a one c is the lowest it's been since I was probably, like, 10 years old.
That's awesome.
I still have goals to get it lower. I'm I'm sitting at around, like, seven or, high sixes, and Mhmm. I'd like to get it lower than that even. But, yeah, I'm I'm in a very good place.
And how about with your relationship with food? Where is that at?
It's pretty it's stable. I you know, I'm I eat very similarly every day, but I can I do allow myself to have treats and not, you know, dwell on it or feel that I need to do something about it? Yeah. I feel like I'm in I'm in a good place.
That's awesome. Now what got you to that place? Like, what what are the steps that really were valuable for you?
I think for me, one big thing, which is really unfortunate, and I wish there was something that had helped sooner, but reaching, like, a rock bottom for me really gave me the push I needed to change things. Especially just realizing, like, in my early twenties, like, how much I was missing out on. Like, I missed my whole grade 12 year. I had to cancel trips. I was taken out of dance.
I, you know, had to drop out of university. Like, everything was just going wrong. I was doing nothing. I lost friendships. And it really just took me realizing that I needed I needed to be the one to change.
Because, you know, when you're a kid, it's a lot of times your parents or your doctors are forcing you into treatment. And sometimes it feels like you're working against them. But then, you know, once I turned 18 and was transitioned into, like, the adult care system, I really realized that, no. I need to take ownership, and I need to be the one ultimately that's gonna make the decision to change.
Start caring about yourself the way your parents care about you.
Yeah.
Yeah. Does that come with maturity or time? And I I think those are two different things. Like, did you have to have enough poor experiences, you know you know, like missing out on school or friendships or everything that it finally kinda piled up on itself, and and you said to yourself, well, that's enough. I don't wanna do this anymore, do you think that you just got more mature and you were able to just see the situation differently?
I think it's probably a combination of both. I mean, I think maturity definitely played a part in it because, you know, when I was 15, 16, 17, even 18, I really had that mindset of, like, you know, everyone's telling me about all the complications that can happen and how dangerous it is to be in DKA, and I just kept thinking, like, oh, like, it it's not gonna happen to me. Like, you know, I'm it's not gonna happen. And then eventually, you know, like, I have neuropathy that's pretty bad, and, you know, I have retinopathy starting in my eyes and kind of just, like, being mature enough to realize, like, no. I'm not a magic unicorn.
Like, these things do happen, and I'm not, like you know? Yeah. They're gonna happen to me too.
Yeah. There's nothing so special about you that the bad stuff couldn't come for you too. Yeah. Yeah. What what were your outcomes like in the beginning that have led to these sorts of issues at a younger age?
The Hardest Years29:24
I my a one c was, for a long time, consistently around, like, 13, 14. There were some years of my life. I was in DKA, like, every two weeks, like, going to the emergency room. Just really, like, my my blood sugars were just so high all the time.
And this was because you were trying to keep your weight down?
Yes.
Okay. Just be yeah. K. Functionally, I'm sorry. This is not a how to for anybody, but are you doing basal insulin but not covering meals?
Like, how do you how do you do it without always being in DKA?
I would my basal insulin was definitely reduced from what it should have been. And then, yeah, I would avoid taking any insulin for food or meals as long as I could. Sometimes, you know, when the symptoms would start to set in of DKA, I'd take some insulin to try and I'd monitor my ketones to try and get my ketones lower. It just yeah. Ultimately, I I always ended up in DKA even though I would tell myself, okay.
This time, I'll I'll do it, but not so extreme that I'll end up in DKA. Like but it never works that way.
Just yeah. Describe that that time in your life. I wanna understand if you thought you were, like, a mad scientist who was, like, just killing it, or were you out of not really the one in control? Like, you know what I mean? Like, were you pulling levers being like, I'm just gonna do this because I know it works out so well, or were you just, like did did the I don't know how to put it, I guess, but did the eating disorder have such control over you that you just weren't making decisions?
I think yes. I think I was not really making, like, in control of my decisions. I think the eating disorder was driving all those decisions. Especially, you know, when you have high blood sugars so consistently, your your state of mind is not always the most logical anyway. And so, yeah, I was I felt out control.
I would try and take a little bit of insulin, and then I would I could swear that I could tell I gained weight just from, you know
From a bolus.
Injection.
Yeah. Was your weight at that point?
At that point, it was pretty low. It was it was under a hundred pounds.
How tall are you?
I'm five four.
Okay. And then where where do you think your body's supposed to kinda sit weight wise?
I would say, like, my probably most natural, like, where I should be is probably around, like, one thirty, one twenty five, somewhere around there.
So is there an argument to be made that you were thirty to forty pounds underweight?
Yeah.
Wow. Did you do have you seen photos of yourself?
Yes.
Are they disturbing to you today?
Yeah. And I don't have many photos of myself at that time, because, yeah, I just I didn't look good. My parents hate seeing photos of that time period. It's yeah. Looking back now, I I I don't know what I thought or what I saw myself.
So let's dig into that for a second without like, I'm not trying to shit on your parents or anything like that. But you've got a one c's in the in the teens, mid teens almost. Mhmm. Do we all understand what that means for your long term health? I know you did, but do they?
Yes. They they definitely did. And my parents at the time I mean, I feel very guilty for what I put them through. My mom was reaching out to, like, anyone and everyone she could because even the treatment places I did go to, they didn't really know how to treat the diabetes along with the eating disorder. They tried a lot of different approaches.
And so, yeah, my parents were very aware of the danger I was putting myself in, and they were so desperate for me to change things. They would try and monitor, you know, through my CGM and things like that. But I at that point, I figured out a way to, like, pack into the Dexcom and make my numbers show lower than it was.
Really? What are you, like, a what are you, like, a little, like, evil genius? What's going on over there, Erin?
The old the old version. I think it was the g five I was able to do that. I I don't think I could do it now.
My gosh. So much effort to because you but it's a it's I mean, mental illness. Right? Is that how
you would
describe it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Were you depressed?
Secrecy and Depression34:10
Oh, yes. I was very depressed.
And so my point is that your parents were trying, but it wasn't obviously, something wasn't happening. So Yeah. Is there hindsight that tells you what they could have been doing? Is there anything that, like, 26 year old you realizes would have been valuable, or is that not even the case?
I think what I've realized is really just I kept things so secret, and I was hiding so much and lying so much.
Yeah. But, Erin, you can't lie ninety pounds five four. That's a Well You know what I mean? Like, you can't lie your way around that. Right?
Did you wear big baggy clothes so they couldn't tell?
I mean, I did do that. But, no, they knew they could tell. Yeah. Yeah. They could tell.
I think, really, the only thing like, I don't know what else they could have done. I think the only thing they could have done was maybe trying to communicate more with me in a way where I didn't feel like I was getting in trouble for having for doing what I was doing. And I think a lot of times, like, some of their concern came across as anger just due to their own, like, worry and fears.
Let me tell you something right now. I've I I have, I've been raising kids a lot of my life, and I'm a fairly reasonable person, I think. And what I'll tell you here, I'm this is for everybody listening. Don't don't have kids. Okay.
Because there's no way to accomplish what you just said. Like like, no your parents could have been mister and missus Rogers. Do you know what I mean? And, like, they could have been like, hello, Erin. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
Look at my skirt. Do you love my sweater? We love each other. I'm worried about your weight. You would have been like, why are you so accusatory?
And, like, like, it's I got kids. I don't I I was a kid. I don't know what it is about human beings, but that's how this works. And and there's something terrible about the way we're wired when we're younger that we're just always trying to be adults on our own, independent. I don't need your help.
Like, there's that whole feeling. Right? It just it it it motivates people. I think all humans. I think the the bigger problem becomes when you layer something like this over top of it.
Right? Even if you didn't have an eating disorder, even if it would have been diabetes on top of it. Right? I don't need your help with this. I can take care of it myself.
Well, your a one c is 13. I can do it. Like, I'm handling it. But listen. My daughter's a one c is in the sixes.
She's doing fantastic. But when she has an issue and I tried to point it out, she goes, I'm taking care of it. And I'm I'll look and I'll be like, it doesn't feel like you are. Like but but what she means is is I'm aware of it, and I am putting the effort into it that I wanna put into it. And the desire that you have for an outcome is not might not match up with, I don't know, like, my my list of priorities.
Right?
Right.
So I'm not unaware of it. I am working on it, but I'm also more worried about this. I'll get to it. And if I don't get to it, then we somehow ignore the health part of it.
Yeah.
Right? Because if it was other stuff, it was cleaning your room, then you could tell me, hey. Well, listen. I'm not prioritizing cleaning my room the same way you are. I'm busy at school or with my friends or something else.
I'll get to it. And if you don't get to it, all you have is a dirty room.
Yeah.
You know? When it's diabetes, all you have is neuropathy. And Yeah. When it's over. And then it gets to the part where you're at now, right, where it's well, I mean, what would you give me if I could take you back and with the knowledge you have now.
So when your parents said you, hey. Can you just, like, give yourself the right amount of insulin? Right? Because you I mean, the person you are now would be like, right on. Let's do it.
Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
Yeah. And so you had to kinda, like, what, experience it and grow out of it? Is that the way you would characterize the whole thing?
Yeah. I think I think, yeah, growing out of it, which is really, though, like, I wish there was a way I wish there was an answer for no. Like, there's a way to change it while like, without having to go through all that. And therapy definitely helped me. I I I've done a lot of therapy, and I've worked with some great therapists.
And
Right. Oh, I I you know what? I've I've done a disservice there. I didn't even layer on the depression and the mental health stuff. Like, I mean, it's just it's all that stuff together like a big sandwich of, like, you know, blurred confusion.
And Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So you go to a therapist. How does the therapist get you through it? Is it a process that when you look back on, you can see how she he or she, like, deconstructed you and helped you understand it?
A Therapist Who Held the Line38:55
Yeah. I the therapist I was working with had a lot of, I don't know, for lack of a better word, like, rules. Like, if my blood sugars were very high, then she wouldn't see me for the session. And I really liked working with her, so I started changing things so that I could have my sessions with her, and that really helped me a lot.
She guilted you into it? You have, a, like, a Jewish Catholic therapist? What was going on there? Like, they're you know?
Well, basically, her point was that, like, it wouldn't be ethical for her to know the risk I'm putting myself in and continue seeing me.
But you look back on that. That's bullshit. She was manipulating him to take care of yourself. And good for her. Good for her.
Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. How old were you then?
Like, 18, 19.
Yeah. I probably would've just offered you money. I would've been like, look. Show up with a good blood sugar. I'll give you I'll give you 20% of what I'm making today.
And then oh, wow. So she so you wanted so you wanted to see her because you enjoyed seeing her, because you thought it was valuable, you knew you needed to be saved, and you thought this was the pathway through? Like, why'd you why'd you capitulate and do it?
I did really just enjoy seeing her and having a place to talk openly about how I was feeling about various different areas in my life. It just it felt like a really safe space, and I really enjoyed having that space. So I didn't want to lose it because prior to her, I had gone through about four or five therapists that all met me and then said, sorry. You're too complex. Like, I can't treat you.
That's code for I'm not very good at this, so I won't be able to help. Also, you're interested in this, so I don't know. Whether you're meeting with a polar bear, probably. Right? Like, there's I mean, there's you know?
Yeah. So
What stopped you from doing the other stuff? Like, I'm not hearing drinking drugs. Was any of that going on?
I nothing major. I experimented with things, but, ultimately, no. I just you know what? Being running your blood sugars high all the time does kinda have this numbing effect, And that was god.
I didn't need drugs. I couldn't feel anything anyway. It was all fun. Yeah.
That was you know, that was kind of my coping mechanism.
Right. Right. That's your some of your some of your self soothing came from that.
Yes.
You said you said you were always an anxious kid. You sure you don't have any thyroid issues?
Not no. Not that I know of.
Okay. But but anxiety runs in the family?
It does. Yes.
Yeah. Both sides? Dad's side, mom?
I'd say mostly my mom's side.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. I see. What else am I you know, I don't usually do this this early, but what am I not asking you up until now that I should have?
Like, what are you thinking to yourself? Like, dummy. Ask me this. Or not or have we not gotten to that point yet? Am I missing anything?
Because I don't under you understand. Like, I've I've never been depressed that I'm aware of. I haven't had anything stored or I've never had type one diabetes. I wanna make sure I'm not missing any, like, important pieces while we're talking about this.
I don't think so.
Oh, I heard you say I'm doing a good job. Thank you, Erin. This was not just for me to feel better about what I was doing. I actually wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything. Okay.
So this is all happening. Are you dating through that? No. No. Because you wouldn't have had you had no body image?
Like, you didn't think anybody would be interested?
Yeah. A combination of things. Didn't think anyone would be interested. I honestly wasn't really interested. Just I wasn't in school.
I wasn't really anywhere to meet anyone.
Oh, this treatment had you out of school for long chunks of time.
Yeah. Oh,
I see. Okay. You make friends in therapy?
Yes.
Okay. Are you still friends with them now, or were they, like, were they just a very important, like, teddy bear during that time?
I have some that I am still friends with to this day.
Yeah. Did everybody make it through, or do you are you being supportive of people who haven't figured the whole thing out yet?
Some people definitely still struggle, but I'm still I'm still there for them. They're still there for me in the best way they can.
What, what how would you characterize your life so far? Like, if you had to write a bio about Aaron, like, up until now, like, what would you say?
I would say gosh. I don't know. Just a lot of regrets, a lot of shame, and, like, hiding things that if I was just open about sooner, I feel like could have resolved a lot sooner.
Is it possible for you to do that for me without being yourself? Can you describe yourself like it's not you?
What do you mean?
Could could you step out of your life for a second and look at that eight year old girl and say and tell me the story about her?
Yeah. She she had poor self esteem, and she thought that everyone was judging her. And she just wanted to be accepted and understood.
Think everybody feels that way?
I do. Yeah.
Yeah. Me too. Do you have any idea why it hit you harder than it hits everybody else?
I don't know. I I just I took things to an extreme when I I just I shouldn't have.
Yeah. And and there's no, like I mean, do you think it's chemical? Like, are you do you take medication now for anything?
Medication That Helped45:08
I do take medication. Yeah.
What are you doing? Little Lexapro or something like that?
Wellbutrin.
Wellbutrin? I've heard good things.
Yeah. Yeah. It's been helpful.
Good. Good. That's awesome. Now when you kinda come out this other side and blossom, because that's how I'm gonna see you now, I'm imagining you're the person you were meant to be. You're dealing with health issues, but you're probably also trying to make up for time in the social world and in your education and everything.
Like, are you able to, like, meet that with a positive attitude?
Oh, yeah. For sure. I mean, I I still, like, have a lot of regret. You know, I feel I feel behind a lot of people my age just because I'm just getting back into my undergrad. And, socially, I feel like I'm not where I imagined I'd be at this age.
I'm just kind of rebuilding relationships now and reconnecting with myself and figuring out what I even enjoy.
Wouldn't rush if I was you. I would just I would just do it as if you didn't lose any time.
That's what everyone says.
Yeah. Is that impossible to do? Or I mean, are you reminded all that like, look. As I'm saying that to you, I'm 54. I ran around all weekend going, I'm almost dead.
It's almost over. Like, so fuck. I'm Martin's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, how much longer do you think I could possibly live? Like, maybe I got twenty good years.
And, you you know, and then I was like, Ben, there'll be some at the end, but they're not gonna be fun. I'm pretty certain. And Right. We need to do it now. Like, so I I don't it's funny.
Like, you know, life's finite, and it does make you feel like things are getting by and that things aren't happening quickly enough. But it also seems to me that for you, like, a lot to do with the your stability and mental health would be also to do with not having that feeling. Like, just saying, like, look. I hit a speed bump. I'm on the other side of it now.
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna get back in the race and keep going and not think of it as a race. I'm just gonna try I'm here to finish, not to beat anybody.
Yeah. Yeah. I that's really what I I try to remind myself. I think it just you know, especially being an anxious person, I'm like, I don't have my life figured out yet. Like
No. I'm sorry. Anxiety sucks. I mean, of all the things that I talked to people about over the years, it's really high up on my magic wand list. Like, do you know what I mean?
Like, if I could just make something go away for people, I think anxiety would really change people's lives in more ways
Oh, yeah.
Than we can kinda count. I love when you o yam me like you're Canadian. Thank you. Don't don't forget not to do that a couple more times. That was awesome.
Yeah. I mean, do you ever look at people who aren't anxious and think to yourself, like, how are they doing that?
Well, yeah. I almost feel like, is it even is that even true? Like, is there even anyone who's not anxious? It's hard to believe. Like, maybe some people are just better at hiding it.
I don't know.
Erin, I unless it's about, like, some, like, dire thing with my family, I don't ever feel anxiety.
Really?
Yeah. I I you know what? I had to do I had to. That's not the right way to say this because that's not what I mean. I gave a talk on Long Island out in New York last week.
It was Mhmm. Wednesday. Okay? And it was like oh god. It was three hours of driving to get there.
I was there for a couple of hours doing the thing, the meeting and the greeting and the talking and all that stuff, then about three hours to get home. So I left my house Wednesday. I wanna say 01:00 in the afternoon. I got home around nine. I woke up the next day.
I wanted to be out the door by six, but I'm a little old, I had to keep sleeping. I left at 08:30, and I drove to Tennessee. I'm in New Jersey. So that was about it doesn't even matter about what I got into the hotel room. I left at 08:30 in the morning.
I think it was in the hotel room at 1AM. And then I got up in the morning at seven. I went out and looked at houses with a realtor who I'd only ever met face to face one time. And I looked at a few houses and properties in Tennessee. I spent the day doing that.
Then I drove to Atlanta, got to my hotel, grabbed something to eat, woke up in the morning, did another event for Touched by Type one. I was there for six hours at that event. And then at 03:00 in the afternoon, I was like, I guess I'm just gonna drive home now. Wow. So I started driving home, and then around 10:30 at night, I started getting tired.
So I called my wife, and I was like, I think I gotta stop and get a hotel. I don't think I'm like, I think I've made it about as far as I'm gonna make it tonight. You know? And and she's like, oh, I'll help you find one. And she's like, oh, I got one here for you.
And rooms were sparse. They were a lot of places were sold out. Apparently, was wedding season, I learned later. So, like Oh. Some of the places, like, they're they had rooms up there, like, $900 a night.
I'm like, I will just sleep in the car. I'm not you know what I mean? But my wife's like, no. No. I found one, but it's two hours north of you.
And I was like, okay. And then I just kept driving till I got there. Then I went in. I used the bathroom, went to sleep, got up, took a shower, got back in my car, drove six, seven hours till I was home. I was never anxious during any of that.
I didn't even have a plan for most of that. Wow. Like, that I the plan I had was I was meeting I was meeting a realtor, and I I've never I've only ever been to Tennessee once in my life, and I think I was 10. I just had it in my head that I might like to move to Tennessee, and I thought I would check it out. And since I was going to Atlanta instead of flying, I thought, well, I'll just drive and then check out Tennessee.
When I got home and started talking to people about what I found and what I was thinking, I realized that even just the conversation about moving, even though it was a pretend conversation, made some of the people in my house nervous. Yeah. Yeah. And I was just like and they're like, well, what what would we do? And I was like, oh, we just sell our house.
We just go.
Just like that.
Yeah. And they they were like and they were like, well, what? And I was like, no. Like, I said, I see there's problems. Like, Arden seems to really like her boyfriend.
And, you know, like, my son dates people and, like but I was like, I don't know. Like, we're just working out. So I could think. And I was like, it's like a two hour plane ride to get back here. It's not even bad.
I looked into it. Was like, a one way ticket was, a $110. I was like, that's not even a problem. I was like, we could, like, have this look how nice this house is. And I'm like, I don't think by the way, and I don't imagine this is gonna happen.
But it's a thing I thought about long enough that I felt like I deserved to make see if that was just a thing I was thinking or if it was like a reality. But I don't feel any pressure to make it a real even with me. I mean, you know, as you can imagine, the the real estate person who I was very clear with, and I said, look. I have no idea if I'm doing this or not. I'm like, just you know, if you can give me a few hours to show me around, that would be fantastic.
And but I can't promise you anything. Right? And and then later, like, you kinda get done. You realize, like, it's her business. And she's like, so what do you think?
And she's not pressuring me, but she's she's saying, like, make an offer on this house.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I'm like, no. I don't think so. But thanks. I really do appreciate your time. You you know, like also, I wanna just say this is gonna freak people out, but my real estate agent in Tennessee was former American Idol contestant, Ashley Amber, in case anybody knows who she is.
She's awesome, by the way. Really, really fantastic. I met her on the Juice Cruise last year because she was performing on the cruise. Oh. We bumped into each other.
She told me she's getting out of the performing thing, and she's gonna go home and do some real estate work. And I said, where? And she said, Tennessee. And I said, oh, I was thinking about maybe looking there. And she's like, really?
I'm like, yeah. We talked on the, like, text for, like, six months, and then I just showed up there and looked at houses. I have no anxiety about anything.
Wow.
It's unfair. I have anxious people in my life, and I wish I could just put it all up and give everybody a little bit of it. Because the same way you look at me and think, like, that can't be true, I look at you and I think, god, that can't be true. Like, how is it possible she feels like that all the time? It's it's so unfair.
Really, really. Just I mean, it's your thing to do. You know what I mean? I have other stuff, by the way, that sucks about my life that I gotta Yeah.
Of course.
Yeah. Yeah. But it really is just that I'm gonna forever be interested and and baffled by the whole idea. You know? Anyway, that was a lot of talking.
I apologize. Gave you a nice break, though. Right? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. What are you not telling me about that I need to know about? What if people who find themselves in the position you were in before, do you have any homespun wisdom about things that they could, look at to see if they can't get themselves out of their situation or get through it more quickly?
Small Goals, One at a Time54:24
I would say one thing that helped me is really also just setting small goals because, you know, it's easy when you're in that place of struggle to know, oh my god. Like, my a one c's at 13, and it needs to be at, like, five or six. Like, that feels impossible. Mhmm. So one thing that really helped me was just setting small goals.
Like, you know, first, I'm just gonna get into the routine of taking insulin every time I eat. And, you know, then I can fine tune things, and then I can, you know, adjust things even more. And just setting those small goals that feel so much more achievable, and then when you do achieve them, you feel more capable of doing more is really helpful. Because for a long time, I got stuck, like, goals felt too big, and I felt like I was failing at them, and it was discouraging me from trying again.
Yeah. How do you, how do you talk yourself into trying but knowing that it might not go right but it not forcing you back to the start again? Like, what do you what's the grace you give yourself in there to fall short but not fall down?
I think just really reminding myself that trying anything is better than not trying at all, and nothing change like, that cheesy saying, nothing changes if nothing changes. Mhmm. Like, diabetes is so much trial and error. And, you know, I think now, especially, I even find myself comparing to people online that post, you know, their 100% time in range and their amazing a one c's. And, you know, like, good for them, but also, like, I can't compare myself to that because I'm starting from a different place.
I'm going through a different journey. I you know?
Yeah. Also, you don't know what the range is, by the way.
Yeah.
Yeah. I you you know, you could set your range to 0 to 300 and be a 100% time in range. Not too hard.
That's true.
Yeah. Yeah. So I always whenever anybody says I'm a 100% time in range, I go, what what was the range? Don't give me don't give me the sunshine and not give me the sky. I wanna know what's happening here.
By the way, earlier, I said, fall short without falling down. And I thought to myself, goddamn. I could be a motivational speaker. That was good.
That is good.
That was a good clip. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I might be onto something there. Want me to write a self help book? It'll be and then be a picture of you holding onto a ladder, but, like, you're you're being held by a belt too, so you can't really fall off the ladder if you let go. It's a whole thing. I'll work it out later.
Look look for my 12 part course. God. Can you imagine? But I it's funny because while you were talking about what I was overlaying in my head is pre ballistic. Like Mhmm.
Because there's an example of a thing. That talk I did in Atlanta, I did a a thing with parents and adults, and then I went later and talked to kids. And those kids were, I I believe I'm remembering correctly, from seven years old to 15 years old. It was like a group of about 10 of them. And whether they were seven or 10 or 15 or adults I saw later in their forties, every one of them says the same thing.
I don't know. How am supposed to remember pre balls all the time? Yeah. Know? And and I spent a fair amount of time driving home, like, trying to think about that.
And it was I I I think what I came up with is that it almost has to be what you just said. Like, don't shoot the moon the the first time. You know, promise yourself you're gonna do it, you know, I don't know, three times this week. Yeah. You know?
Until you can get to once a day. And then once you're at once a day, maybe your blood sugar falls, your stability gets bagger better. Maybe you're not as cloudy, and maybe you've gonna have more space in your head to go for twice a day. Or to be able to realize that if you miss it once, it's not a failure. It's a process.
Like, that whole stuff, like, I think that's just how people learn.
Yeah. For sure.
Your your situation and people in your situation, it's just an exploded it's an exploded version of problems everyone has.
Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yours just look more dire. Is that the right way to say it? Maybe that do you know what I mean? Like, you know you know what saying?
Like, if I don't do my laundry today or fold my clothes, which that might be a real example there, the my my a one c is not gonna go up. Yeah. I'm not gonna need needles in my eyeballs one day. Like, right? Like, like, that so I cannot put my clothes away today if I if I can't get around to it.
And so, thusly, when I don't get around to it, I don't feel like this great sense of shame or failure because, I mean, I don't know. What did I really fail at? Like, didn't get my stuff folded? You you know, it's not a big deal. Those are but those are the way people think and their life life situations that are happening twenty four seven to people all over the place.
It's when this unfairness of this diabetes lays on top of it that you really get into a situation. And then you have body image problems, and then you learn how to manipulate insulin, and then you were just on a slippery slope after that.
Yeah.
Yeah. And your parents didn't didn't know enough to step in, and even if they did, you weren't listening to them. That's the other piece. Right?
Right.
Yeah. Right. My gosh. Being alive is a lot. Yeah.
It's really really is. Yeah. How's the depression piece now? Are you better there?
Oh, yeah. For sure. And I think, like, having my blood sugars more stable really plays a huge part in that. Tell them. Because I I'm not so fatigued all the time.
Like, I I have energy to do things. So it just makes a huge difference in my life that I'm actually able to go out and do something.
Same thing for my weight loss. I didn't realize that about myself. I thought I was okay. Mhmm. But I don't know how much you listen to this.
I just said that like you and I are friends. I'm sorry. But, like, I've lost, like, 70 pounds the last three years.
Yeah.
Yeah. So I have that now too. Like, I wake up in the morning, and it's not just, like, my it's not just my, like, mental motivation because I'm a pretty get up, you know, get up new page, keep going person. But get up new page didn't carry around 70 pounds yesterday with me. Lot more energy.
Yeah. Know what mean? Lot a lot feel feel better. And, you know, I've shared this before, but I'll put it here because you were so honest about it. I didn't think I cared about what my body looked like until it looked better.
And then I was like, oh, maybe I did care. I'm not in a lot of photos either. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.
And this week this last week, I was standing in front of people at all different angles, and people are holding their phones up. And I never once thought, like, oh, don't don't shoot me from that angle. Like, you know, like, didn't have any Yeah. Didn't not you I used to tell people like, you know, if you wanna take video of me while I'm talking, get on the ceiling. Shoot down.
Okay? And now I don't think twice about it. And I saw a video of myself talking, and I don't think about how I look anymore. But two years ago when the process was beginning and I started to lose weight, I one time remember looking and thinking like, oh, I look like everybody else now. And that that was a weird thing.
I didn't know that I didn't feel like I looked like everybody else before. And so your thing's no different. It's just in reverse.
Right.
Like, I actually I actually was not at a healthy spot and believed I was. You were probably at a healthy spot and believed that you weren't. Yeah. Really something, isn't it? You think about having children ever?
Have you met a boy or a girl that you like? Anything like that happening?
I have not. I I think I'd like to be a parent, one day.
Mhmm. Is it a boy we're looking for? Is that right?
Yes.
Yeah? And this boy is not presenting themselves to you? What what's wrong with him?
I don't I don't know. I've just, I've just only started getting back into the, like, social scene. So
So is there an app up there? What's it called Zamboni or something like that? What do you do?
Oh, there's tons of apps. I don't know. I'm not I'm not really I get a little weirded out by the apps. I just don't know that I can trust them.
Well, you probably can't. But what about the what about the emotional support and physical touch part of this? Like, how do you and if this is too much for you, I just realized I'm quite sure. It's just I asked that. So if I don't mean for it to be creepy.
But, like, what, like, what are you doing for those things in your life?
I don't know. Emotional support? I have tons of friends.
Okay. What about I mean, on that. What about the hugs and and that stuff, though?
I mean, I've never really been a huge, like, physical touch person, so I don't really feel like I'm missing out on a ton.
Do you think you're gonna end up being me though at one day going like, oh, I didn't realize that's what it was like, and I was lying to myself a little bit?
Well, yeah, I could see that happening.
Yeah. So what do you do? You're gonna have to jump in. Right? You're have gonna to find a guy that you're pretty sure is not gonna cut your head off and then and then go because that's gotta be a concern, especially in Canada.
Right? And then you I'm just teasing. I'm sure Canada's a fine place. And, and then you, and then you gotta go out and, like, sit and talk and have a meal with somebody and then make sure they know you're not just gonna, like you know what I mean? Give yourself away too easily and then, like, see if they come back and see if you like them enough to go back.
And that's a process in and of itself.
I know. It's it's it's not fun to think about.
Well, but it maybe it would be fun, though.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Don't
think the right person.
Erin, can I give you a little advice here?
Yeah.
Yeah. I know. It I also, before I give you my advice, let's just everybody say that I understand this isn't how anxiety works. Okay? But you should just calm down and go do it.
Because it's it's it's either going to go well or it's not. Either I'm going to find a hotel or I'm gonna sleep in my car. It Yep. It doesn't matter. I think it really doesn't matter.
It's gonna be fine. You you know what I mean? Like, I'd rather see you go out there and meet a guy and be like, that wasn't for me. Now you have a little bit of instruction. Don't like them that tall.
Don't like it when they talk about this. Like this better. I didn't know I like curly hair. Like, that kind of stuff. You know what I mean?
And then just move to the next one and keep trying. Also, you're gonna be really interested to learn about the people who are initially attracted to you. Yeah. Yeah. Get out there.
You should do it.
Yeah. I plan to.
Good. This summer's a great time. Don't let me press you, but it's getting warm. What's the It is. Yeah.
I mean, this the the permafrost will probably be going in a couple more months. Right? And then the bears will come out. You can go enjoy your life. Is that is that not how all this works up there?
That's exactly how it works.
I know it is. Don't worry. I I I got an all in neck. Also, Erin, you're in my group. Right?
Yes.
Okay. If I look at your profile picture, are you the girl with the glasses or not the glasses?
Glasses.
Okay. May I say something?
Sure.
You're adorable. Go out there and break some boys' hearts. Seriously. Wait till you find out how much fun it is torturing us. My wife seems to be having a fucking party ruining my life.
I think I really think you're gonna enjoy it. Just make some boy love you and then break his heart. It'll it'll take up a whole year. You'll have a great time. It's it's gonna be it's gonna be fantastic.
I I just looked at you and I have a 26 year old. My son's 26. If you were my daughter and I found out that you that you felt like this and you weren't out there, I'd I'd I'd feel, like, a little heartbroken for you. Like Oh, no. Yeah.
Go get him, kill her.
You know
what I mean? Like, get him up there. Is your mom giving you the whole talk about grandbabies and stuff?
No. My, one of my brothers just had a baby, so she's pretty,
Oh, he handled it for you? Bought you some time? Yeah. Do you think about, not that I know you're anxious, but do you think about do you worry about if I had a baby, would it have diabetes?
I do. Yeah.
Where where do you land on that?
I I think I don't think I would ever let that stop me from, like, deciding to have kids.
Mhmm.
But it definitely is something that I'm like, oh. You know?
Well, you know how much you listen, so you were like, uh-oh. What if the kid does that? Yeah. Every time Arden pushes back against me, I look at my wife, and my wife is looking at me, and I know it. She never says it out loud, but she's thinking, that girl is exactly like you.
So, you know, whatever. But but, it's tough. It really is because you you listen. I could I could hit with you all the platitudes and tell you, like, you know, well, you grew up with diabetes, so you know, and you've made all the mistakes. You don't know what to do.
That's all well and good till you say it to somebody, and they go, no. Thank you. Not interested in your opinion. Yeah. Awesome.
Thanks. Here's what I said to my wife the other day. And she agreed with me. I just wanna say this for anybody who's listening. We should not have done this.
That's what I said. I said, do you remember when it was just you and me, and we were just, like, screwing around and having a good time? And, like, she's like and then she goes, how much money we'd probably have if we did not? I was like, I know. Oh, yeah.
Now I don't wanna be without also, when I tried to get my wife to move to Tennessee, she's like, well, I can't move away from the kids. I was like, but aren't they killing us? And she's like, I know, but I can't let you. But I was like, ugh. Damn it.
Oh, I'm stuck. I made these things that I love that are feel no comp comp compunction. Where did that word go? They don't feel any compunction to be kind to me yet. They're not at that age yet.
Not yet. I gotta stay alive long enough for them to apologize to me. That's what I'm thinking. Long do you think that'll be, Aaron? When are you gonna apologize?
Like, ten more years maybe?
Yeah. Maybe around there.
You did say you feel guilty, though, right, about
Oh, yeah.
What your parents have been through. Have you said that to them?
Yeah. Yeah. My yeah. I mean, I've told them, like, you know, I think they did everything that they could at the time or that they could try.
Yeah. You know, that's not comforting to them at all. Right?
I yeah. Yeah. I know.
Not that you shouldn't have said it. I'm glad you said it. But it's they're gonna say thank you, and then they're gonna feel just the same way. People are really complicated in a strange way.
Yeah.
Well, what have we learned from this conversation, Erin? What have you learned from it? Anything, or are you just like, oh, I shouldn't have done this. This guy was terrible at this. What where are you at right now?
Wishing for Something Magical1:09:29
I feel like I just wish I had something magical that would help people get out of situations like this.
Yeah. Me too. Every time I have these conversations do you ever listen to me with Erica when she comes on?
Yes.
Yeah. Yeah. She we go through it, and I have the same terrible thought every time. Like, ugh. But that's probably not gonna happen.
Yeah. You know, do this. Do that. This will help. It's all true, by the way.
Go do those things. They're going to help. And then and but to get the people to do it for reasons like you mentioned, like, either maybe there's medical reasons why they're, you know, a little foggy or low on energy or maybe they're overweight like I was and it's hard to get moving on stuff or whatever is holding you back. It's it it's it's just tough. Like, you need somebody to almost like pull you out of your life, put you in a white room with white walls and white carpet and go, hey.
Look. We got nothing but time here. Let's make a plan and do the things. And Yeah. There's no pressure.
That is the one thing it sounds like happened for you is that the very least you were able to reset, it feels like.
Yes.
You know what I mean? Which I think is sounds like it's been really valuable for you. Because otherwise, if you're trying to fight the fight and fight the other fight at the same time, neither fight gets fought correctly, and you just end up, you know, in these, you know, skirmishes constantly in your life, in your head, in your life, and in your reality. But if you just stop for a second and that's a real benefit. How were you able to afford to do that?
Your parents were supporting you and helping you?
Yes. My parents are a big help, and I am on disability. I work part time. But yeah. I mean, I don't you're probably not familiar with, like, the treatment situation in Canada.
But even that, you know, you're waiting, like, nine months to get into treatment, and it's just
Nine months is the number I hear from everybody. Unless you're dying nine months.
Yeah.
Yeah. And if you get on the list and somebody ends up worse off than you, you slide down.
Yeah.
You don't even get, like, credit for time served on the list. Yeah. Am I right about that?
You know what? That is still one of my questions. They say they don't do that.
But Bullshit. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. No. No. No. No.
I I, listen. Socialized medicine sounds nice. There's pieces of it I think are really great, and then there's parts of it like this where nobody's incentivized by money, so nobody hustles.
Yep.
You know? Like, when you need to get paid or you can't turn your air conditioner on, or in your case, you know, thaw out the driveway so you can get to the street. You know, like, it's it's hard to motivate people at their jobs sometimes.
Mhmm.
So yeah. It's awesome. Are you happy you did this?
Yeah. I am.
Yeah. Good. How long have you been listening to the podcast?
Oh, I found it probably back in, like, 2018. I used to listen to it with my mom while we would, like, cook and stuff.
Really? Absolutely. I'm glad I didn't say anything terrible about her now. I would have felt bad if you said that then. But I'm like, oh, I shouldn't have said that.
But, no, I I feel I feel good about the the conversation that we had. And I mean, like, from my perspective, you guys are in a situation. It's of not of your own making, of your own making, of a health related making, of a reality related making, and it sounds like you did the best you could with it. You know what I mean? And Yeah.
It's it's something to be proud of, honestly.
Yeah. I think, I think growing up helps a lot.
Just getting older? Yeah. Yeah. Just doing it because you were able to get, what, old enough to do it for yourself? Yeah.
Right. Because, you know, some people talk about doing it for others. That's pretty common. Like, I had a baby. I wanted to be healthy for the baby.
I got married. I wanted that kind of thing. But you just found a way to do it for yourself, which I think is pretty I almost cursed, but it's pretty great. Yeah. Yeah.
Good for you. Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
Yeah. It's it's a pleasure talking to you. It really was.
Yeah. You too. Awesome.
Do have any questions for me, or is there anything that I should say that I haven't said so?
I don't think so.
I did it. That's all I heard. Perfect. You did it too. You were really great.
I am going to stop the recording, but then hold on one second just so I can ask you a couple questions before you go. Okay? Mhmm. Erin, thank you very much for doing this. I do appreciate.
You were really transparent, and it's gonna help a lot of people. So thank you.
Thank you for having me.
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