I used to be a blogger or let's find out if people still read...

I get bored sometimes, but the boredom manifests as waste because I desperately hate wasted time.

Every regret I have is about time. I don’t mourn not doing something, I despise not having done it, because the opportunity to do so is lost.

I’m not a person who feels as if every moment must be electric. I value quiet and stillness. But once the moment has passed, I think about what I can’t retrieve.

Time.

When this feeling strikes, I never see it coming. It often arrives after massive amounts of effort that don’t quite bear the fruit I envisioned. Lately, I’ve been working on creating alternative learning environments for type 1, but eventually I’m met with the truth that most people will never know they exist. And even if I find a way to introduce them, an even greater percentage won’t spend the time to look.

That cycle makes me feel useless.

Not in a “my life is worthless” way, but in an “I’m wasting time” framework.

Should I do more speaking events, create more social media that the algorithms will support, do live chats online, make more content, come up with new ways to say the things you need to hear?

I don’t know.

I spend a fair amount of time reexamining the podcast for universal truths. I find them, then stop short of sharing because the methods at my disposal are designed to limit my reach. That feeling leads me to wonder if I’m overvaluing my impact.

That happened to me today, at 5 a.m.

I started to wonder if I am actually doing anything valuable enough for it to be worth the 1,343 remaining weekends I have left. I’ve already lived 29,219 days that spanned 4,174 weekends. There are far fewer of both remaining, and I don’t want to waste one.

All of this led me down a rabbit hole.

Am I doing enough with my time such that it can be considered not wasted when I cease to be here?

That question is multifaceted, of course. How have I impacted those around me? The planet? Do I take lessons after I’ve inevitably made mistakes?

I once pulled a chair out from under my mother. I was very young. I remember her falling. I remember where it happened. I remember how disappointed she was, that she was hurt both physically and spiritually.

And so I never did that again.

Is my family better off for knowing me? Do I create a better space for the people I intersect with? Have I told my children enough that they will do the same?

But what I’m talking about here is my uneasiness that I am professionally wasting time. Time I can’t spare.

I don’t know how many of you spend your days, but I work a lot. Many of the activities you may enjoy, or even need, don’t interest me. I don’t want to go to a bar or travel for the sake of traveling. I like being with my loved ones, thinking, standing outside, going for a drive.

I love people, but even in a social setting I need to feel as though my time is not being wasted.

I am, as you can plainly see, searching today for my value.

So I asked an LLM that has been fed my podcast content which phrases, specific to diabetes care, I might have coined. Then I Googled them to see if they’re colloquial within this community, or if I’ve deluded myself into believing that my impact is significant.

Before I go on, I thought it would amuse you to know that I’m beginning to think writing this was a waste of time.

Insert laughter here.

It is, at the very least, self-indulgent and, at its worst, about to appear boastful.

Time to turn this ship in a direction that has the potential to be valuable for you.

In 2018, about two years after I started Juicebox, I ran across a person online saying they were going to be “more bold” with their insulin. That was the first time I felt like the podcast was reaching people.

Today, people tell me the show has been valuable to them, but it can be difficult to personally quantify those messages.

But today, as I mentioned, I looked.

I found a mother talking about “nudging” up a low blood sugar. A blogger talking about the intention of “crushing and catching” a high BG. People still say they are being “bold with insulin.” Google references me about pre-bolusing. It references the “tug of war” at mealtime. I saw references to “stopping arrows,” using a “blanket of insulin,” and a lot more.

And still, please don’t read this as melancholy, because I’m not melancholy, I wonder what I am not doing that I could be.

Not for you so much.

For me.

So that I can stop feeling like I am wasting time.

If you want to help me feel like my time is being spent valuably, take some of yours and learn about your diabetes in a way that gives you more. More health, more happiness, more time.