#545 After Dark: Eating Disorder
Scott Benner
ADULT TOPIC WARNING. Today's guest is an adult type 1 who will discuss an eating disorder.
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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.
Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to Episode 545 of the Juicebox Podcast.
My guest today is Aryssah. She was diagnosed at age 19 while away at University, where she also developed what she calls a very specific type of eating disorder. Today, she's going to tell your story, which includes all the details. And that's why this is an after dark episode. Please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your healthcare plan, or becoming bold with insulin.
If you believe that you have an eating disorder, please tell your physician, a loved one friend, or go right to Google, and just search for diabetes eating disorder, you'll see a ton of different places where you can get help.
There are many other afterdark episodes within the Juicebox Podcast at the end of this episode, I will list them for you and tell you where you can find them.
This episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by the Dexcom g six continuous glucose monitor. It is also sponsored today by Omni pod makers of the Omni pod dash and the Omni pod promise, which I'll tell you more about later in the show. To get started with Omni pod where to find out if you're eligible for the free 30 day trial of the Omni pod dash, head over to Omni pod.com forward slash juice box.
Aryssah 2:00
My name is Aryssah. I'm 31. And I was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes at 19 1912
Scott Benner 2:07
years ago.
Aryssah 2:10
Yes. My diabetic anniversary is coming up on June 26. And it happened to be the same day that Michael Jackson died. And I remember talking to friends and family and saying oh, you know, I was I was diagnosed with diabetes. And they're like, Yeah, but you know, Pipe down. Michael Jackson just died. Well, we'll talk about it tomorrow.
Scott Benner 2:28
Really, this is the thing it lightheartedly, but yeah, that's kind of how it came across. But you're a little older too, right? So it's not like you're like you were eight and somebody is telling you look, we'll deal with your thing tomorrow. Okay, well, but Billie Jean, is that so?
Aryssah 2:45
Right, I guess. And truly Scott. I mean, that's part of what makes it challenging is you're very right that I was diagnosed at 19, where I'm not necessarily a kid anymore. However, if I had been diagnosed, say three months prior, when I was still 18, I would have gotten much more support than what I experienced. And it's strictly because I was deemed as an adult by the government, if that makes sense.
Scott Benner 3:09
So were you not on your parent's insurance at that point.
Aryssah 3:13
So being Canadian, had nothing to do with insurance Truly, I have fairly decent health care, which I'm very thankful to have and to live where I live, it was more so I guess the support that I received, I very much felt when I left my diabetes education center, there very well could have been a therapist lined up for me there very well could have been a specialized dietician to cook with me, or maybe even an endocrinologist that didn't make me feel like I was just a number. And I think when you're a child and you're diagnosed, your family probably gets more involved. You're much more close, closely examined, and I felt that I kind of got the short end of the stick. Don't get me wrong, there's no good time to be diagnosed with diabetes. But to be 19, where you just missed that CUSP. It took me a longer time to take care of myself and I through therapy and through work that I've done internally to see hey, you know, I just I wasn't set up for success, as most people would have been if they were diagnosed prior to 18. So a couple of questions.
Scott Benner 4:14
Was it just that? Did your family treat you that way? Like, oh, she's an adult, she can handle it?
Aryssah 4:19
Kind of Yeah. And I'm an only child Scott, too. So I feel like my family always puts me on this pedestal of, you know, hey, Marissa has it, she's good. And I think they didn't really seem to understand and nothing against them. They're very supportive, and I love my family, but they knew something was wrong with my body. But I wish they knew that there was something wrong in my mind as well from the diagnosis and from the support. I wasn't getting medically
Scott Benner 4:45
prior to type one. Did you feel like that in your mind, are you It came directly from the diabetes?
Aryssah 4:50
No, it came directly from the diabetes part of my diagnosis. I mean, it was very fit and sporty and prior to being diagnosed, I took very good care. To my body, and it was pretty healthy. And when all of a sudden you start losing weight, you're thinking, Oh, hey, maybe the gym is working. Hey, maybe, you know, those, those extra bootcamp classes that I'm participating in, are paying dividends now. Yeah. And you don't realize that, hey, there's something much, much deeper going on here that that needs to be taken care of.
Scott Benner 5:19
I wonder how much of it is, like expectations, you know, people talk about what age would be better to be diagnosed that and I've even kind of mused that, you know, Arden was so young. She doesn't have a recollection of not having diabetes, which I imagine is helpful to her, or at least to us talking to her. I wonder how At what age? Is it just like, well, life's been going on for a while now. Like you were 19. So you're probably thinking, but you're gonna start your beaver trapping business soon on your own and really start doing things.
Aryssah 5:50
Yeah, my own ugly building business? Well, yeah, no, you're you're, you're very right. You're very right. When you're, when you're at that age, I mean, I can remember a time where I didn't have to worry about pricking my finger, or didn't have to worry about, hey, how many carbs are in this meal? Right was art and or anyone else, I think the younger you are truly, the almost better you are because you don't realize that there's life outside of that.
Scott Benner 6:11
So you're old enough to be able to, you're old enough to go to a concert when you're 25. And remember going to a concert when you were 18. And you have this juxtaposition of what one was like and what was the other and what the other is like, but you're not alive long enough to really gain that kind of life experience perspective that would have helped you through any of this.
Aryssah 6:32
Mm hmm. And I think to your right, the life experience would maybe have set me up differently where, say at 31 now, and I mean, who knows, right? I know what this is 12 years later, at 31. Now, if I was diagnosed now, I think that perhaps I would be more mature about my decisions in terms of how I took care of myself. But when you're that young, and you're surrounded, but you're not even living at home, right, I was 19, I was away University, you're surrounded by your friends, and you're surrounded by you know, the pressures of being in school, you're not necessarily around a supportive environment already, you're already in an environment where you feel judged, or maybe you feel like you can't be your full self or you feel uncomfortable, because everyone's looking at you through a magnifying glass. If that makes sense. No,
Scott Benner 7:20
even and your peers are, are in the same situation age wise and perspective wise. So it's probably just like, Oh, isn't that sad? She has that thing. And they'll sit around with you for a little bit in your bed and like, you know, and then they leave. And that's not real support. It's just, it's a 19 year old hanging out with you for a while because they feel bad about what happened to you. Right? Not like not not a person who in supports an interesting thing, isn't it? That it's it's sort of this quiet understanding that someone's there, it's not so much saying something, or doing something, it's that it's that idea that there's a rock solid person at your disposal? Should you need them. Like, I feel like that's more what support is. Because when you really think about life, like nobody really runs around doing things for other people. You don't mean like, it's more just like, you know, there's somebody there, that's, you know, it's more than got your back they, they actually could come through, if something happened. It's
Aryssah 8:17
right. And I think if I'm reflecting accurately at the time to Scott, I don't even I think I liked that no one really understood it. Because at the time in University, where I wasn't necessarily taking care of myself the way that I should have, I didn't want people to know what I was doing in terms of how I wasn't taking care of myself. So for example, if I went out to eat, I maybe wouldn't inject or wouldn't check my blood sugar, I would just eat because I didn't get the support that I needed when I left that Diabetes Education Center and turned into truly an eating disorder. However, if people around me had known that would have made me obviously fix a problem a little bit sooner would make me feel more self conscious, I probably would have been more active and trying to make myself get healthy. But at the time, I liked that people around me Didn't know other than, hey, she has type one diabetes, they didn't really know what that meant.
Scott Benner 9:10
So path Oh, you had a path of least resistance because no one could hold you to account because nobody knew what though. Nobody knew how to hold you to account. That's excellent. And excellent. It's, it's interesting. I'm sorry. And you did you want to do better and didn't have tools? Or were you truly trying to ignore it?
Aryssah 9:32
I think it went back and forth. Scott, I think every night I would kind of think to myself, Hey, you know what, this, this can't go on any longer. I you want to be healthy? Why aren't you Why aren't you able to do this? But I think in the moment I again would just do things that we're very self harming. Where I mean, my hospital fault folder is larger than I care to admit, where I would have doctors come in and make me feel judged in a way to Scott and I think that's something really Important where instead if a doctor came in and I felt included or I felt that they heard me, I could have maybe had this feeling to turn turn things around sooner. But again, being 19, late University meal support, probably uncomfortable with your body a little bit at that time to where I feel most diabetics might feel this where Hey, okay, you've, you've lost all this, this weight, I probably lost about 20 pounds. And by no mean was i was i overweight or anything I was quite skinny. But you remember how thin you felt? And you have people tell you, hey, you look great. Like what's going on, they don't realize that, you know, underneath, you were very not healthy. Although it comes across like you've been, you know, working out or eating better. So I think when you get those compliments, too, it messes with your own head a little bit to say, Oh, well, Hey, remember everyone complimented you at that time saying how great you looked? Right. But that was when you were the most sick you've ever been?
Scott Benner 10:53
Yeah, it's it's I can see the double edged sword where it's not like you had math teeth. It's not. And they were, and they were going, Oh my God, your teeth are amazing. Like it was, you know, like, that doesn't happen, right? Because that was not something that people physically find appealing, generally, but you start getting a little more sculpted, or you know, your jaws a little more angular, whatever it ends up being, or people can just tell you look a little differently. That brings in compliments, even though even though the compliment they don't realize is Oh, you're wasting away and dying. You look amazing. So in the beginning of dying, we all apparently look great for a little bit like mine, you know, like, I don't know, like, that's an odd thing to think. But it is, is and then I see how it causes that problem for you. Because it's this mixed message. And you are the only one that knows the truth. While they're all saying it.
Aryssah 11:44
Exactly. And I mean I true therapy and things now in my 30s Of course, I talk to my friends or my family or my partner about it now too. But I can't imagine Scott Looking back, I can't understand how I was able to go that long of not taking care of myself of injecting sure but a minimal amount and not checking my blood sugar and thinking to myself, hey, well, you know, you're going to be able to throw up later, anything that you would have eaten that was high and high in carbs. So don't worry about it, not realizing that, hey, when you throw up, that's actually your body's way of telling you. You're you're going to diabetic ketoacidosis. Wow.
Scott Benner 12:21
So that was an that ended up being the process for you. You'd so what would you do? Were you you're injecting so you would would you do? Like a long acting insulin?
Aryssah 12:30
Yeah, exactly. So I would use I would use my long acting, I was on Levin Mir at the time. And I wouldn't necessarily inject them rapid my fast acting and I would eat whatever possible. It's sick to me to think now Hey, I used to keep a pop bottle of sprite by my bed to make myself go higher. But also keep in mind too, when you're when you're that high up all the time, and you're thirsty all the time you get more thirsty. So I think it really created this kind of vicious cycle where you crave sugar, because your highest highest highest can viewer you're not even reading, you know the number anymore on your glucometer. But you would continuously crave that more. So I think now what I've realized being healthy for the past couple of years that, hey, if you're healthy, you crave being healthy. And if you're unhealthy, you crave being unhealthier. And it's very hard to get out of that cycle.
Scott Benner 13:23
I was wondering if I could ask you to kind of step out of this for a second and give me your opinion about talking about it. Because when I first started the podcast, people would come at me kind of privately and say you can't talk to people about how you manage type one diabetes, that's not something that anyone should do. Don't tell people that you're that your daughter's doing. Well, it makes other people feel badly. And I had a very strong feeling that you could be a beacon instead, like you could just say, look, look what's possible. You don't I mean, like, here's, here's the thing that's possible, and that people can't truly understand the scope of things until they can see the entirety of it the good, the bad, you know, the dark, the light, and then they have to be able to make a decision. Are you going to reach everybody and bring everybody to a place where they're a once he's in the mid fives and they're paying attention to their blood sugar's like No. Are some people gonna see a great graph and think and that make them feel poorly? Like maybe I don't know, but it just always seemed to me in the way I put it usually on the podcast is that you can't take a classroom with 20 people in it and teach to the to the least of the of the group, because you're you're robbing the rest of them from an opportunity to learn. But with this, like you just said something a minute ago, no one's ever said on the show before and we're going to get deeper into it. You said you kept scraped by your bed to make your blood sugar higher on purpose. So what do you think about explaining how this eating disorder works? Do you Do you worry that it'll, it'll be a how to for people?
Aryssah 15:04
Oh, not necessarily. And I would caution that, hey, if people consider it as a how to I'm also going to explain part two of the How to, which is it can get better. Okay. And you're very much right, Scott that sometimes I felt people would necessarily brag about their agency, but would kind of, Hey, you know, I'm it's 5.4. And you know, it's never been that low and it's in my own head, I'd be like, that's great, but I'm pretty sure minus 14 at this time. Now, thankfully, you know, it's much more normal range of seven and I serve, I swear, Scott, when that first happened, when I got those results, I could have cried, I just never thought to myself that I'd be able to see that. But now thankfully, to have those tools of adex common and Omni pod to set me up for that success. I didn't have either of those when I was first diagnosed. And you're very right, where, you know, I couldn't get some flack for this. And, and I, I understand why people would be upset or kind of look at it in a bit of a controversial way. But if anything, this needs to be more talked about this was this was an eating disorder and truly a bit of a mental mind game that I had put myself through because I didn't have that support. When you're 19, you're considered an adult, where if I had been diagnosed, as we talked about a couple months prior, I would have been taken to that Children's Hospital here in Toronto and had numerous resources thrown at me. But because I didn't, this is what could happen. So in terms of my goal, I want to be involved in some of these committees and boards that change those rules or those decisions. So that way, I can help those young adults post 18 to not experience what I did. Yeah,
Scott Benner 16:35
no, I think Listen, it be clear, from my perspective, I think what you're doing is really great. And it's brave. And I'm I'm I'm 100% behind it, which is why you're here. It don't thank you. It's just that when you, you know, it's funny, you were in the exact wrong position for a number of reasons that we've already gone over and you got dropped into diabetes almost like dropped into a race at a point where the race was already going. And you were not prepared to run it. And you were destined to lose the race when you were put into it. Right and and there are other people who have been put in that same situation who are in that dire place right now. And some of them are listening. And it just for me, I think that it's it's got to be better to face what this is. So that at least you can make an informed decision. Like if if a person is in right now listening in that situation, and they're still listening to me, that means they want to know, they want to know how to get out of their situation, if the if there's a possible path away from it, it if it just takes them makes them angry, and they run off to be mad about it somewhere to complain about it or something like that. That to me just means that they're in the wrong part of their race to hear the information. Not that the information is bad. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Aryssah 17:55
No, definitely. No, you're very right. And I think it's, it's amazing how your body can get used to things the body is a is incredible, where previously, if my blood sugar rised, I would just again, as we talked about crave more sugar, where if my blood sugar is high, now even the slightest I'm down for the count, but it's because I take care of myself. So whatever the body gets used to, if I'm consistently 2122, with my with my, like glucometer, which in Canada is obviously a little bit different than than the US so I apologize, but it still means high. It would, it wouldn't affect me. Now if I reach any levels that are out of you know, a consistent range, I feel so sick, and feel so lethargic in the same way I did when I was first diagnosed. But I don't know how I had a normal life and ran high all the time and still go to work and see my friends. And it. I'm assuming there are other people, I can't be the only one. I know I can't be the only one. But I also don't want those people to ever feel like they're alone. I really struggled. And I know you likely are too but talk to someone about it. Whether it be a parent, a friend, a counselor, it's not your fault. You were not set up for success, but it's not your fault.
Scott Benner 19:09
So we're gonna figure that out in a second. But very quickly Juicebox podcast.com. There's an A one C and blood glucose calculator if you're listening outside of the US and the numbers don't make sense to you. Look at me. Look at me, look how I'm able to do a good thing and drive traffic to my website. I feel really good about that. Also, by the way, I don't know if it's a conversation technique that you've picked up over the years. But after I speak you tell me I'm right. And I have to tell you, I love it. And my brain goes She didn't say you're right this time. I wonder she doesn't agree with that. I'm just kidding. I seriously, is that a conversation technique? Or is that? Do you actually mean it when you're saying it? I know I do agree.
Aryssah 19:54
I do agree with you, Scott. And sorry. I realized I just did it again there. No, no, no, don't be
Scott Benner 20:00
Don't be sorry, I feel a foot and a half taller since you and I have been talking. I'm about to charge down to the rest of my family when this is over and be like, I'm right. I'm just teasing. No, there's an affirmation thing in there that conversationally is great, it makes me want to keep talking. And I don't I've just been paying a lot of attention to people who hold great conversations lately. And that was, that was just that was really I was like, are she doing that on purpose? She learned that in the college and Canada's, are they teaching that up north or something? So okay, you just said it's not your fault, and that you weren't given the right tools. But why? It's obviously something psychological, but what I want to understand from you, if you took me outside right now and said, Scott, cut down this tree, you have to, it's very important that you do it, you've been tasked with it, you can't walk away from this task, the tree has to be cut down. Here's a screwdriver and a blender. I think I can't cut this tree down with a screwdriver and a blender. But I would never internalize that. I wouldn't stand there and think I'm such a, I'm such a mess. I can't get this tree cut down. The guy told me it was really important lives are at stake. Like, why does that happen? with medical stuff? Why does somebody asked you to cut down a tree with a screwdriver and a blender. And somehow that turns into I mess this up?
Aryssah 21:29
Right? And it can turn into you're very on point where it can be it's heavy on your self worth. And it's heavy on how you see yourself. However, I think that because if we're using this analogy, because you're telling me to cut down this tree, I also had people coming to me and saying, hey, that tree is beautiful. Hey, that tree seems really fit that tree seems really healthy. Why would you cut that down? Because that's essentially what everyone was telling me when I was skinny. Right? So internally, yes, I knew I was doing something wrong. I knew exactly what I was doing. But other people because they don't understand what's going on. We're still complimenting me. And we're still cheering Hey, you know, you look great. You know, that's all that cycling you'd be doing is really paying off. Yeah. And so it was very conflicting. Yes. Where I value myself to be a good person I value myself would always try to do the right thing. And with this, I know that I didn't. So it was a very hard struggle for me and again, through therapy to be able to talk about it and realize that but also see, as you were saying earlier, you know, it's not necessarily my fault that was dropped into that race halfway through without, without, you know, running shoes, if you want to phrase it that way.
Scott Benner 22:40
Is there an aspect of this, that it's because it's health related, that it strikes? Like, you're kind of psyche at the same time? Like, what? Do you see what I'm saying? Like, why? Why is it? Why is it that you and I'm not asking you understand what I'm saying? Like not you in any way? Why is it that somebody wouldn't just go Whoa, stop. You asked me to cut down the tree. He told me it was really important. You didn't give me any of the tools for this isn't my fault. Like why do why do people end up feeling internally bad? Is it because there's another piece, it's got to be that they know subconsciously or even consciously that they're, that they're limiting their health or shortening their life? Like there is that third wheel like third spoken this wheel that that's the reason why it internalizes but just in general, outside of this issue. It's fascinating to see how quickly people turn on themselves. Mm. Do you know what I mean? Like the like, look at all the things you were doing that were bad for you that I'm assuming you consciously knew weren't right. Okay, but yet you couldn't stop yourself.
Aryssah 23:51
Yeah. And I again, I would pray at night just saying, hey, tomorrow, eat healthy and take all your insulin, where any other diabetic would never have to consider to do that. But I think you're angry as well, that's probably a big part of you're frustrated. You have this invisible disease that people again, keep saying, Oh, you look great, where they don't understand how internally shameful, and how internally, this, this environment of solitude comes up as well, where no one really understands what you're going through, and I get it with diabetics. Overall. We all probably feel that at some point that Hey, no one understands what I'm going through. But specifically because I was hurting myself through the process. I really didn't have anyone who understood what I was going through. I do value the community now where I can talk to people about this, I can share this and maybe necessarily they haven't gone through the exact same experience, but maybe they felt that day were some time in their journey. They're like yeah, you know what I had, I had one day to where I didn't even bother injecting because I just felt so down on myself and I felt so frustrated. And you know to scarf from, you know, managing artists, there are some days you can do everything right? You do everything right. And still it all goes wrong. But I think on my instance, specifically to guys or girls, however, however anyone identifies by their gender, they have different experiences, too. So I've had guys who are gym goers say, Oh, you're so lucky, you get to take insulin and bulks you up, I've heard whereas girls would never want to be bulked up, you know, we're scrutinized for our bodies. So there's those different elements to it to have, hey, as a woman who's 19, who was feeling you know, you're you're going on dates, and you're, you know, going to bars for the first time because legal drinking age in Canada here is 19. Yeah, you fit you're in a different space where you are consistently being evaluated. I was also on a varsity sports team at the time to where, again, the the thinner you are, the more in shape you are, the more congratulated you are, the more you get to participate in races because you're, you're that caliber of athlete. So just lots of things that we're we're not positive.
Scott Benner 26:05
Did you say a minute ago that you felt ashamed of the diabetes or of your care of it?
Right now, in this moment, I can picture myself in the doctor's office with my daughter, as she was getting her first Dexcom CGM. I remember what we did on the way home and what we talked about and where we stopped for lunch. Remember the whole day? What I remember most is a feeling of relief. Because I just spent so many years not knowing what Arden's blood sugar was doing. I was just overwhelmed with the idea that now I would know, right? I would know what our blood sugar was. And if it was moving, or trying to go up or down, you know, and how fast was it doing that, it just all seemed surreal. In that moment, I didn't understand what was going to happen next. How seeing Arden's blood sugar in real time would inform my understanding of how to feed her and give her insulin. Well, now, today, you know, I'm a completely different person, due in large part to the data that comes back from ardens Dexcom g six. And I also think that it would be worth your time to find out more about it dexcom.com, forward slash juicebox. When you get there, you can do some reading, find out about any number of aspects of the Dexcom, I'll name a couple, you can share your data with up to 10 followers, you can see your data on your iPhone or an Android that's for the user and for the followers. I mean, there's alarms that you can set to tell you when you're leaving different ranges, how fast you're moving, these alarms can tell you so many things. Just it's astonishing. It's amazing. It's it is well worth your time, just to go to dexcom.com forward slash juicebox and see if anything I'm saying to you resonates, it really may change your life. I'm going to stick with this theme and tell you about the first day that I saw on Omnipod. We were at my daughter's Children's Hospital at a pod at a pump fair, I bought a pod now but at a pump fair. And there it was the Omni pod, the only tubeless insulin pump in the room. So while I'm holding it and telling my wife Look how great this is, it's self contained. I bet you if they make improvements to it, they'll just happen like we won't even have to like, go back and get the next version. I didn't know what I was talking about back then. But I just kept thinking that the Omni pod looked thoughtful. It looks futuristic. It felt like it was on the cutting edge. So we went with it. And that was 13 years ago, ardent has been wearing it on the pod every day since then. It's been an absolute friend in her life with Type One Diabetes. And I think it may be for you as well. At least it could be and that's worth you finding out on the pod right now is offering the Omni pod promise. Simply put, if you're the kind of person who's waiting around for the next thing, the next thing that's coming you don't want to start now I don't want to get a dash because you know what about the next thing I want to get the next thing? Well, there's no need to wait for the next big thing because with the Omni pod promise you can upgrade to Omni pods latest technologies for no additional cost as soon as they're available to you and covered by your insurance terms and conditions apply. But you can find out more at Omni pod.com forward slash juice box and while you're there. Why don't you find out if you're eligible for a free 30 day trial of the Omni pod dash. That's right. You could get started with the Omni pod today. Free for the first 30 days and then something new comes up. They promise you can switch
links for Omnipod Dexcom. And all the sponsors can be found at Juicebox podcast.com. Or right there in the show notes of your podcast player. Did you say a minute ago that you felt ashamed of the diabetes or of your care of it?
Aryssah 30:28
Both? Oh, both. I definitely felt that I was ashamed to even go low. In public as well. That was a that was a big part of it. Where if I was with my friends, and all of a sudden got so sweaty, and would be reaching for a package use that it was really, it. Yeah, it was very embarrassing. And it was also scary. So I think part of it also, too, could be I just wanted the exact opposite of whatever was low, I want to feel the exact opposite of that. And if I'm high all the time, I'm I know that I'm never gonna have to feel that way.
Scott Benner 31:03
So out of control that people can see worse than out of control people can't see. And you're talking about passing comments a second ago, and this one interests me a lot. So if somebody came by and said, Oh, you're so lucky, I heard insaan, bookshop, right? That sticks to you, then that does that put you in like a Do you fall down a rabbit hole in your mind on that?
Aryssah 31:30
I wouldn't even say a rabbit hole per se. But I, I would acknowledge that what they were saying was accurate. Because we've all had that right where we are diagnosed, we've lost weight. And as soon as we start taking care of ourselves again, and getting on getting on care with insulin, you do gain back the weight that you lost, right. So I think I saw it and recognize it. And again, I'm not saying that I lost 100 pounds, or we're talking 20 pounds, perhaps Scott, this is not monumental. But when you're going through this instance, it felt monumental. Yeah. And many diabetics, I'm sure feel, hey, I'm not in control, I haven't been thrust into a situation where I don't want to be, I don't feel any control over my own body, or even probably my own mind, where, for me, the way that I coped with it was being in control of being constantly high all the time. Because it gave me that someone's of Hey, like, I, I'm in power of this,
Scott Benner 32:24
but there's no, there's no function inside of you that hears the comment about insulin and just wipes it away, and just goes, Oh, no, I don't want that. And, and you never think about it again, like so that's the I realized that. Listen, I realize that things have been said to me that I brush off that I probably hold on to subconsciously. I'm not saying that. That doesn't happen. That's I'm not like some like iron will, like, you know what I mean? But, but I wouldn't spend the rest of the day changing my life over it in a conscious way. And I'm interested when something can be said to somebody that changes their course, instead of them just going no, and then pushing on.
Aryssah 33:04
I think there can be comments to those Scott on the other end of it, where I had people telling me, hey, every time that you don't take care of yourself, and the longer you don't take care of yourself, that's 15 years off of your life expectancy. So it's funny how you mentioned that, that, you know, those comments can really stick to you. But certain comments can also be that okay, well, whatever, I'll deal with it when I'm when I'm 60.
Scott Benner 33:29
I had somebody yesterday, tell me the prospect of losing my leg to an amputation, felt comical, like it couldn't happen, right. But when someone told me I might lose my toe, it felt real to me. And I was like, I couldn't. I mean, I understand what they're saying. And I don't doubt that it could be true. I just was like, Wait, what? And then I guess it's the same thing as saying to somebody when they're 15. Like, if you eat well, you'll be healthy throughout your life. Yeah. And you're like, you can't imagine what that means. But you,
Aryssah 34:05
you feel unstoppable, right? It's a future risk problem. It's not a current or risk problem, right?
Scott Benner 34:10
But it's not Yeah, but if somebody told you like, eat a Dorito today, in three days from now, you're going to spontaneously combust. You'd be like, Oh, well, then I won't eat. Yeah, yeah, I got it. Okay. All right. Um, and the last thing I want to say, because you were you're bringing stuff up while you're talking is that I spoke to someone the other day, a parent of a newly diagnosed very young child under two years old. And we were just talking about amounts of insulin that the baby would need. And I said, looking at your graph, listening to your story, I feel like there's room in here for a little more basil. And right away it went to Is that too much? There's something about I keep harping on it because there's something about the measurement of numbers that messes with people aren't I using too much insulin, isn't that bad? Aren't I using some, you know, isn't this happy? Isn't this number to this or not enough that like people really key in on measurements and movement on a scale? Right? Like if because if this person's kid was diagnosed at four, and not 15 months, then they would have started out with basil that was greater to begin with. And then if I would have said to them, oh, I think you need to use four and a half units of basil today, they'd be like, Oh, that's okay. Because it's an incremental jump. But telling somebody, they have to go from two and a half to four seems huge. And I don't know, there's something about I don't know if I'm ever gonna figure it out. But there's something about how people think it's the movement of a measurement. And it has something to do with where you start and where you finish. It's not the numbers, how far the number moves, and it sticks people. I don't know what that means. But I've heard it enough times. Now. I believe in it.
Aryssah 36:04
I think my my partner says it in a right way, where we have to be so conscious, even more so than someone who is anorexic, I understand that I had a form of bulimia going through what I did in university. However, it's it's worse we what are their disease? Do you have to consider what you eat, the number of carbs and the grams of fiber so closely? And again, it's all those numbers, and it's that analysis of anything you're putting into your body. Yeah.
Scott Benner 36:34
The irony is we everyone should be doing it. You know,
Aryssah 36:39
maybe it's maybe healthier. I'm very thankful that I'm diabetic. I like adversity. I like to be the underdog. I use that, you know, kind of resilience as fuel. And I think if I wasn't diabetic, I wouldn't be who I am today. 100%.
Scott Benner 36:52
So what did you do? What steps did you take to get the universe to pick you up and put you in the proper place in the race.
Aryssah 36:59
Uh, I think I had to go through my own my own rock bottom, if you want to phrase it that way. I was in the hospital. And I had been in the hospital numerous times, as we talked about earlier, I at one point was tied to the bed restrained because I was in a diabetic coma and in thought to be even tied down to the bed. I don't remember any of this. And I remember waking up with a tube down my throat and my grandma kissing my forehead. That wasn't even the lowest point, Scott. I was in the hospital for about two months total. And that's where I said, Hey, I'm going to make a change after that got out and ordered a Dexcom. After that, you know, made sure I got an omni pod. I think hitting that rock rock bottom was really where it was a wake up call, where I didn't want to feel that way. ever again. I'd make them make myself feel good somewhat in the way of Hey, okay, I look good outside. But hitting that point it was I don't want to ever do this ever again.
Scott Benner 37:54
That that two month stint? How long ago?
Unknown Speaker 37:58
How long ago was that? That was 2017. Oh, that's not that long ago? No. 2017? almost almost four years, four years.
Scott Benner 38:11
Wow. So how many years did you live like that?
Aryssah 38:14
I would say so I was diagnosed in 19 2017, I would have been 27. So about eight years, from 2009 to 2017.
Scott Benner 38:24
And so your management style was
Aryssah 38:27
management style was I would inject long acting, and I would eat whatever I wanted. I would then start throwing up and this wouldn't be everyday would maybe be once a week I would start throwing up. And because I didn't want to go to the hospital again. Once I started throwing up, that's when I would inject short acting insulin and then continue that cycle. Every week
Scott Benner 38:47
that vomiting was decay, or you force not forcing yourself to vomit.
Aryssah 38:52
I never forced myself I don't think I have the I wouldn't have the gousto to or the hutzpah to but um, I it was strictly from DK and I know that because there were some times where it was just so far gone that I would have to go to the hospital. And they would tell me obviously what was going on which I already knew.
Scott Benner 39:09
I met a little girl in Oklahoma that that was her management style was DK hospital DK hospital just over and over again. For not understanding how to Matt they didn't they just the family just didn't understand the use of the insulin. Right. I remember feeling so heartbroken when she told me that what was the colloquialism you use before hutzpah. gousto What is that? I don't know that one like like hutzpah. Is that a Is that like a weird Canadian? It must be it must be. I'm sorry to do this in the middle of an important conversation but do you notice about that but he or
Unknown Speaker 39:51
she? You sto I can use it in a sentence again if you like Oh
Scott Benner 39:59
good. I want you to go ahead,
Aryssah 40:02
I had the gousto to write my wrongs and start Take care, taking care of my body in a way that I knew was correct for myself at the time for my future self, for even my loved ones as well.
Scott Benner 40:18
Individual or specific taste, how to use gousto. In a sense, I don't know, this might be a thing that happened in your house that, like, when I met my wife, I learned that her father, you know, this thing. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Aryssah 40:38
I must be an American thing I'm unfamiliar. Like
Scott Benner 40:40
he would say it completely wrong. And I would watch everybody. And I'm like, none of them realize this is wrong. And he's been saying it like this for so long. They believe that this is the saying, and it is not. But anyway, that's not my point. gousto. Okay. I'm sorry. Like, I absolutely shouldn't have gone down this road. But we need a break anyway, your story is pretty deep. It's. So you're in that hospital for two, two months, you make the decision, I'm going to do something dying to know, is there a person in your life at that point that you're interested in? romantically?
Aryssah 41:16
Yes, I was actually married at the time. How long were you married? I was married from 2017 to 2020. And he was very supportive throughout throughout the process. But through the breakup, certain things were said that obviously stung me very much in relation to this. So very thankful I had him at the time do I feel that now I have a partner that maybe doesn't necessarily is not diabetic, but understands more, so what I go through, because we're maybe more communicative about it 100% I'm very thankful for where I'm at now, romantically cool.
Scott Benner 41:55
Listen, I don't, I don't need to know about your personal life, I brought it up. Because because I find that one of the triggers for adults to pull themselves together, is having another person in their life that they care about. There's this, I've seen this, this thread over and over again, where for some reason, you can't work up the energy or the whatever to care about yourself. But to be there for someone else, or to see that someone else cares about you can kick it into gear,
Aryssah 42:28
I can see that in a way I did always feel his support truly for, for going down that road. I think I was even preparing myself to be a mother. And I knew to be an an oven or a solid oven, so to speak, right? I didn't want to house a child in me. That would be unhealthy. I felt that was unjust. And I mean event, obviously, I'm not a mother, we ended up breaking up and not having kids. But I think at the time that you're very right, that could have played into it where Hey, I want to make sure that I'm the best I can be for anyone that I would house within my body. And I felt that the I felt that honestly, the way I was going was not the way to do that.
Scott Benner 43:07
I just I've heard people tell stories too many times that mimic that idea, but they don't tell it like that. They don't know that's what they did. It's through the conversation that you hear it. They finally meet somebody, they want to be a mom, they're doing it for someone else. All of a sudden, it's a fascinating psychological thing that we can't do things for ourselves, but we can do them for other people. Even when they're about us. And by the way, sadly, brick oven mama is not going to be the title of your episode, but I wish it was gonna end up being an after dark just because the sensitive nature of it but oh my god, if only if only the story led to it being brick oven, Mama. I don't know why I just that's what I like. Alright, so 2017 you're wack you're like Alright, what's the first step to fixing it?
Aryssah 43:59
Getting a Dexcom Truly, I had been on a pump very close after being diagnosed, I was probably 21 at the time. And I hated it because I would rip it out in my sleep I'm I guess a more violent sleeper than I care to be where if something's on my body, I want it off. And being on a pump when I was 21 I, the idea to me was just off my God, I don't want anything there. I don't want to have a pump ever again. So the Dexcom to me was a still way to take care of myself without necessarily having a pump. So had the Dexcom at the start of 2018. And about a year later, I started inquiring about the Omni pod saying to myself Hey, okay, the Dexcom is good. This is great, but I still want something on my body to help me you know, inject quickly and and probably in a way to Scott as we kind of talked about earlier in terms of a bit more, a bit more discreetly, as well. I didn't like that. Yes, I was on Dexcom I would see hey, Okay, I gotta go and jack. Well, if I'm at a restaurant, maybe I'll go to the bathroom to do that. I just kind of wanted to be myself. For I was,
Scott Benner 45:00
I wonder sometimes if people listening to the ads, and if you listen to the ads, thank you very much. It's how the podcast keeps going, I appreciate that. But in the in the Omni pod ads, sometimes they'll say, you know, one of the best things about it is you can wear it out in the open and be proud about it and let everybody see, or you can, or you can put it somewhere discreet. And that's up to the person. Because some people are going to come through your path and want it to be discreet, and some people are, are going to have been dropped in the race at a better better place. Who doesn't care if you see their Dexcom, their CGM or their or their pump. And, but that, that you have that choice is a big deal because everybody's different. You know, I always just imagine people think I'm saying stuff to say it. Like everything sounds trite. When you bang it down into less than two minutes, you know, name and it's hard to be thoughtful in two minutes. But that is really what I mean by that, that it's, you know, that everybody listening has a different desire.
Aryssah 45:57
Well, exactly. And everyone's everyone's way should be respected. As long as again, they're doing what's best for them and trying to take care of themselves. And, again, no one is ever going to be perfect. The days that we try to be perfect are some of the most haywire days in terms of our sugars. But as long as we're trying and we were, we're each respectful of each other spaces, but there's no judgement in terms of Hey, why don't you be proud to show off your on the potter? Hey, why don't you wear your Dexcom in your arm rather than your stomach? Show it off? If I'm not comfy to that's okay. And if you're comfy, too, I applaud you that you're that way.
Scott Benner 46:30
I don't understand. judging people at all, I guess, in any, but I just think it's a not that some people aren't judgy. I'm not saying that. But but exactly what you just said is just, hey, you're doing a thing with the thing that I have. But the way you do it is opposite of how I do it. You know what you should do? You should do the thing that makes me happy. Mm hmm. Like, that's really what it is. When people are saying stuff like that. They're just they think, oh, there's a happy way to do this. You're doing it the other way. It's, it's they never put themselves in your shoes and think, oh, maybe this is your happy way. I know that's a lot of the same word over and over again. But there's really there's really that idea that people cannot take themselves out of their own experience and put them in someone else's in and in less in a moment in a in a in a pass by like you don't mean like hey, you use insulin. That's amazing. Because you can poke up when, by the way also, you really should know whenever boys are talking. They're just doing their best. It's their best try to have sex with you. That's all. And I realized most of them are just so ham fisted and not good at it. But they literally boys are just like that girl pretty. Yeah, I say thing. She talked me we go dinner. Like it's not we're really dumb. So it's, uh, it's interesting. So so but you have to you get the Dexcom, which is the tool that helps you make the decisions. But you had to immediately start injecting four meals and counting carbs, were you able to just start doing that?
Aryssah 48:04
I would. I've been trained to count carbs. I mean, when I was first diagnosed, because I didn't take care of myself didn't mean I didn't know how to write that time was something I, I very much did on my own accord. But I still know, I still knew how to sew when I did start injecting I, I was able to take better care of myself because you know, I can count count count carbs and ensure that I'm eating the right things and making sure that I have fibers you know, you know, low low glycemic index foods of Hey, okay, well, not gonna have you know, basmati rice, I'm gonna have brown rice instead. So those decisions were easy to navigate, thankfully. But it was challenging in the way of always making sure I had needles on me always making sure that I had my insulin on me, always willing to try to backup. So that was obviously challenging. But yes, I could still manage to take care of myself. Because Because I had those skill sets from before.
Scott Benner 48:58
You just had to use them here. Just make yourself do it. By the way. interesting side note basmati rice really easy on Arden. Well, interesting. When you said that I was like, Oh, I can't believe that's the juxtaposition she had there. But that's goes right back to my last the what I was just saying. Because imagine you go online, you say, ah, somebody says, I eat white rice. And I got really high. Does anybody have blah, blah, blah to help me out and you jump in and go? Oh, yeah, brown rice definitely don't eat basmati rice. And then what if I was like, that's wrong, basmati we're like, it's it's not wrong. It's what works for you.
Aryssah 49:35
Everyone, everyone has a different experience of hate that you know, when I'm low, I really like to have gushers because there's 18 carbs in them. And I feel like it's just the right amount to get me back up to speed whereas other people may depend on juice or other people may depend on I don't know, sugar pills, right. But we're all we're all just trying to do our best with whatever tools that work best for us.
Scott Benner 49:56
Yeah, no, that's that's my point is just stop thinking everybody. Get something wrong. I have such an I have such a good example from the from the internet, but I can't I don't want to use it because I don't want to make anybody feel badly but watching adults not be able to interact is fascinating. I've just like you can see what they're doing wrong like you like Don't say that. Now you said it. Don't react that they did it. They doing it on purpose? like are they trying? Like, is it one of those things where like, let me just get another dig in? Where do they really not understand? Like, it's would be such a gift to step back and watch your own life from a third party perspective. Yeah, but anyway, so Okay, so you're giving yourself your insulin, you're making better food choices? Does it ever? Do you ever fall off the wagon?
Aryssah 50:47
I haven't actually. And I think there are ways where you can still enjoy a few things where you're shaking, I think when you're open and communicative about it, Scott. So for example, on my diabetic anniversary cheer, you know, June 26, maybe I you know, yeah, have a have a packet Smarties or something of that nature. But I do it with my partner to say, hey, like, this is an important day, let's do something to celebrate. And but I'll still inject. That's the difference. I'll eat that. But I know now that hey, I can eat whatever the heck I want, as long as I take care of myself for it. And you know, use my Omni pod. So falling off the wagon no of saying, Hey, I'm going to not inject and eat whatever I want for a week. No, I don't do that anymore. But do I try and enjoy little things in a controlled manner? Of course. And it's, it's because I'm able to talk and share with my partner about it. Cool.
Scott Benner 51:37
Is that, are you? Maybe you're not but are you shell shocked at all? Like, is there any part of you that feels like if I like, like to liken this to alcoholism for a second that one beer would turn into a case? Like, do you have that feeling of like if I ate something, and I got the Bolus wrong and my blood sugar went up? I just be like, whatever, like, would you do have that concern? Are you just being a thoughtful adult about your eating?
Aryssah 52:04
Right, and I, I want to touch on it in the way of I think I think I mentioned this earlier in the way of when you're really high, it continues to feel good, when you're really high until it doesn't, right until you start throwing up. But when you're taking care of your sugar, and you have a spike in an afternoon or a day, I feel like crap, there's no way that I would ever be able to do what I used to do now, because I've had that cycle of continuously taking care of myself. So thankfully, it's not like alcohol, or it's not like drugs or anything along those lines where you're looking forward to that feeling again, I know that I very well could, you know, not inject for a bunch of a bunch of candy that I eat. However, I know that I'm gonna feel so sick afterwards. And to me, that's not worth it.
Scott Benner 52:49
Yeah. You know, the other night. The other day, actually, on the weekend, Arden said, Can you take me to the grocery store, I'm gonna make cookies, and I need some ingredients. We got her all these ingredients. And later that night, she must have spent like an hour and a half in the kitchen making like these snickerdoodle cookies that had this icing on top that were kind of cream cheesy. It was right. There's something over the top. And then she walked out and said, Does anybody want a cookie and gave everybody a cookie? And then she didn't eat one. And she never had one. And I asked her at one point said the cookies are good to try. And she's another too sweet for me. And I was like, Oh, okay. I'm gonna be five of them. Just so you know. But no, but like, it's, it was interesting that she just, she doesn't like too much sweet stuff. And she knows it. And so she just doesn't do it. And I don't even know. It's I don't even know why that is like, how does somebody make a good decision like that? You know? Because certainly one cookie after all that work right. But now, she just didn't and doesn't. And that's not a that's not an uncommon story for her like that. Just so you're making me feel
Aryssah 53:58
good on her to be that way. That's that's I really respect that. Yeah, you should be proud.
Scott Benner 54:02
I just it's funny, because I never thought about it before until I was talking to you like that. This is a an accomplishment of some some sort. I don't know what exactly. But I'm going to give myself most of the credit for it. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, my wife probably a little bit MIMO and ardonagh. You know, whatever. Yeah, it's just happening to her. She's not making decisions. I'm teasing. I just think it's a I think it's I didn't think of that as, as some sort of a life level up, but I guess it is really well, what else should people know?
Aryssah 54:35
The last thing I would probably want to share too, is as as we talked about, I was writing my university career while I was going through this and obviously my mental state, physical health and GPA truly all suffered because of it. And I know that university can be really challenging and that diabetes itself can be really challenging, but I've created a scholarship Actually, this year, hoping to provide some solace to a student who is diabetic themselves. And entering their first year of university. And I want to be able to help people now and I have the means to be able to help people now as a, you know, fully working functioning adult. And I find I find it to be cathartic to be involved with that funding it myself to say, Hey, I went through this, I don't want you to feel this. If you're experiencing some of the challenges that I did, here's a scholarship to help pay for your education. Wow, how many scholarships are you funding? So just the one, it's funded through myself, it's not a whole lot, but it's called the the torchbearer scholarship toward for scholarship for type ones. And I just really want to make sure that I tried to do right by the situation, as I mentioned, that I felt was unjust. And this is a good way for me to give back and feel better, maybe about the situation I by no means I'm ever going to be able to go back and erase those years that I didn't take care of myself. But this could be a way to make myself feel that I've
Scott Benner 55:55
come to terms with it. It's lovely. Is there any chance that's happening in a Canadian province with a really funny name? No, unfortunately, no, nevermind. I was hoping it would be Manitoba or something like no, no, no,
Aryssah 56:08
I live in I live in Toronto, Ontario. So I'm one of the more regulated names
Scott Benner 56:14
you didn't even say at tr. O and like I said, it's it's without the second tee. It's mostly Toronto. Yeah. You don't really say the second tee? No, I know you don't. But I had somebody on recently that was like, I live in Toronto. And I'm like, wait a minute What now? I was like, TRN t. Trump Toronto. Meanwhile, you know, I can't say water. But what the hell, you know? Still, which when I think she when she said it on is like that's by that's gonna be a good episode. I can't wait. There are times where I think I wish the show was just a daily like, show. Because I have these conversations and like, I can't wait for people to hear these. And then I they don't go up all the time. So you have to wait. And like I'm thinking right now like, Oh, this is a great story like this should go up right away. But the truth is, it's not going to, like I'm so recorded ahead. But I'm enjoying talking to you a lot. I want to I just very much want to make sure that we're not missing anything here. So there's no. So you saw let me make Let me see if I can pick through my understanding. So you, you had some sort of a major health crisis that made you say, I am not living like this anymore. First step, I think is to be able to see my blood sugar. So you got you got to CGM, then you had to make the conscious decision to give yourself insulin which it doesn't sound like you had trouble doing. It wasn't like some sort of an existential fight to do you gave yourself insulin, you brought your agency down how long until you felt better? I would say maybe
Aryssah 57:50
the only part was really the big changer. So I mean, even a few weeks after having the Omnipod I felt so much better, so much better Scott and to be able to to be able to not have that roller coaster of the up and downs. I think that's that's one of the most untalked about challenges. Yes, we talk about it certain instances, but it's it's the consistent roller coaster. And I'm sure some people talk about it, but it's just not. It's not known maybe it's the most challenging thing people maybe go to different you know, lows or highs but they don't talk about the in between period of that going up and down where you know, if you're if you're high you over and jacked and then you ultimately go low. And then when you're low, obviously you try need someone else to bring you higher, and then you go high again, and it's just that constant vicious cycle.
Scott Benner 58:36
I think of it as chasing, you're always chasing the diabetes like Daddy, and how did you and how did you know how to do it? Like, did you limit carbs so that you could be successful with the insulin? or How did you know how to be successful and keep away the ups and downs,
Aryssah 58:51
I would say not necessarily limit carbs, I do have a pretty low carb diet. So that wasn't too challenging. I think if we're kind of being candid through this and going back in the schedule, or the or the timeline, once I had the Dexcom I was eating healthier. So when the Omnipod came along, it was just Hey, how do I manage eating healthy already, but without having to necessarily inject got it. So it was it was pretty easy to do and obviously much more handy and a great tool. But I think Yeah, after a couple of weeks on the Omni part of you know it is challenging a little bit in the beginning because you're trying to get your basil is right and you know, trying to make sure that your your I don't have my carb ratio I think changed as well. But once I got it right, it was Oh wow. Okay, I feel awesome and what like looking down on my Dexcom I'm what 6.2 That's amazing. And again, I apologize for the for the discrepancy in American and Canadian numbers but Juicebox Podcast I kind of made once you calculate but it felt it felt amazing. And I think your mind becomes addicted to again, whatever your whatever your environment is, if you're feeling good, you want to continue to feel Good. If you feel bad, unfortunately, you want to continue to feel that way too.
Scott Benner 1:00:03
Yeah. Now your body's process of chemicals, right chemical reactions happening all over the place. If you if you take out sugar, just as an example of what you're saying, your body will stop wanting it at some point. And then you give it back. And it's just like, it just it lights up every one of those receptors again, you're like, Oh, my God, sugar, definitely want more sugar until you completely crash and your system can't keep up with it. And you're, you know, you look up six months later, and you're 25 pounds heavier, and you feel like you've eaten a big dinner constantly. And it's just a drag on your your blood sugar is, is very much in charge of a lot of how you feel. Yeah, just true. I had a question where to go. It's in my brain somewhere. I'm getting older. It's not my fault. is what I'm sticking with for now. Dammit. What was I gonna say? This is very poignant. There should be some music that plays here while I'm thinking but Jeopardy music. Yeah, but then I'd have to pay to use the music and what the hell? Give me a second. I'm not talking. I'm lost. I'm 100% lost. In my own mind, this is terrible. I'm going to start over instead. And I'll find my way back. So Dexcom on the pod, using the insulin correctly, making better food choices. You haven't felt like you're gonna slip backwards? No. therapy. That was it? Did you go to therapy?
Aryssah 1:01:37
Did very thankful for any counseling I've done? And I think in the past, I'd felt and this is this is a conversation that I hope this should be the pinpoint of the episode here to where everyone needs to speak to someone if they're going through diabetes. And I think it's not, it's not talked about enough where Yes, okay, we're given those tools of, you know, a nurse maybe and, you know, you meet with your diabetes education center, you really need to speak to someone about how you feel. Because I felt that I was a failure. I felt heavy on my self worth. I felt like I couldn't do anything right when it came to diabetes. And then after speaking to my therapist and sort of discovering Hey, Yeah, wow. Okay, if I've been diagnosed three months earlier, I would have had all these tools at my disposal. But because of, you know, luck of the draw, unfortunately, I didn't. That doesn't mean that I'm a failure. It just means I wasn't set up with the right tools. So I really want if anyone has a message to take away from this episode, please speak to someone. You're not alone. You can speak to support groups, you can speak to a therapist, you can speak to friends, family, just don't keep how you're feeling to yourself, because it's it's painful to bottle it up. Are you proud of yourself? Oh, very much, very much. And I don't think Scott, if you had told me at 19 what I would be at now? I would think I would think you're crazy.
Scott Benner 1:02:57
Yeah. Do you think you would be dead? Probably. Did you ever have a conscious thought? Like, I'm just gonna ride this wave to like, crash into the reef, or you weren't thinking about it? I
Aryssah 1:03:06
think I didn't care as much when I was treating my body that way. Because I thought I don't know how long this is gonna last anyway. So Screw it.
Scott Benner 1:03:12
Okay. Were you ever misled by the idea of like, they're going to cure this, so it doesn't matter?
Aryssah 1:03:19
Oh, completely. I mean, my mom and I go into my undercut endocrinologists office when I was diagnosed, he says, hey, yeah, five to 10 years, we'll have a cure. And I mean, that was 2009. Right?
Scott Benner 1:03:31
So as a young person that kind of makes you feel like, why not to do a great job of this? Because they'll just cure it. Yeah, not realizing that, I think in the history of mankind, we've only cured like nine things, and five of them aren't that exciting, right? So yeah, the curing something like that. And I'm making air quotes, no one can see me making air quotes. So I better find a way to use inflection, but curing something's uncommon. And the end, if you really understood the system at play, like maybe they'll be able to block your immune system and replace your beta cells one day or something like that. But there's no you're not going to take a pill and not have diabetes anymore. Right? That's not how this is going to work in in any kind of foreseeable timeline that you and I are going to be alive in. You know, I'm not saying that the baby's organs aren't gonna figure it out 5000 years from now or something like that, but we're not figuring out in 2026 like that. So
Aryssah 1:04:32
I think if you folks to probably I don't know I felt this way after leaving the doctor's office that honeymoon phase is so important thinking oh, well, you know, they told me I have this but I don't really write because I mean my blood sugar is not terrible. Now that I've started taking insulin a little bit and then honestly when that honeymoon phase goes away, you know, wham bam
Scott Benner 1:04:51
Yeah. Wham you got diabetes. Boom, here we go. You know, your your Basal goes from three a day to 10 a day like what happened well Have a sudden a unit of insulin won't make you low. It won't even make your blood sugar move. Right and you're 19 and yeah, I think that it prouds not even the right word like, for how you should feel, you know what I mean? Like somebody dropped you in the middle of a war again with a like a peashooter and and your home now. You know, that's it's really a it's extraordinary, honestly, isn't it? No. No. And, and you're Canadian. So bonus points. Because I mean, I don't know. Like imagine. Listen for people listening, imagining having to ride a moose to your doctor's appointment. It's not a great life.
Aryssah 1:05:37
It's challenging. I usually have to Yeah, I escaped to to the pharmacy to pick up my insulin. So you're very right,
Scott Benner 1:05:43
I escaped on two rocks that you tied to your feet. You live at the Arctic Circle, I think I'm not that far for you. I'm not that far from I realize it's very close to me. So Matter of fact, I think you drive through some fairly Hickey, United States states to get to Toronto, where Toronto might be much more of a metropolitan center than those places are right. But it's more fun if we talk about it like this. So you live in an igloo, and, and even though we don't know what you do for a living, we assume you trap beavers, and hats and other warm weather here so that your people don't die. That's right. 100%. Although I guess we're gonna end this in a second, I'm gonna find out you're an attorney or something like that. But is there anything else that you want to add that you think that people should know? But I think this has been a terrific episode. But I just want to make sure I don't miss anything. No, I
Aryssah 1:06:42
think I think I've shared all that I can. And I hope everyone can be vulnerable with anyone that they're speaking to you. And the same way that I have, that I've been this episode. And I there's power in that vulnerability, and there's power in that resiliency, and there's power in that adversity that we're all dealing with. So I guess just be open, whenever you feel comfortable, it may not be right away. But whenever you feel comfortable, feel free to be vulnerable. Well, I
Scott Benner 1:07:04
want to thank you for doing that. I was just sharing with my brother last night that he was asking, it's a weird thing to have a podcast like this that says popular as it is because there are people in your life like that. Like I don't know if it comes to surprise anybody. But nobody in my immediate family has ever heard this podcast. And you know, he's talking to my brother. And he was asking about it a little bit. And I was telling him how it was growing. And we were talking about downloads and stuff like that, while he and I were on the phone. And I was telling him I think I might add another advertiser soon. And he said, what else comes from the show besides like this, this aspect of it, I started telling him about people writing to me, and, and seeking me out to tell me stories. And listen. A lot of people have blogs and podcasts and you'll hear people say like I hear from people all the time. And and sometimes the reality is they get a note every once in a while, which is amazing. I'm not saying that that's not all the time, but I probably hear from 15 people a day. And so I was explaining to my brother about not feeling like you have to not get overwhelmed by hearing people's stories, and not make yourself numb to them either. So that you can you want to really hear them. Like I want to really hear when somebody writes to me or reaches out or whatever, like I don't want to, I don't want your best moment in the last three years to be a blahs a like thing to me, I guess. And so I don't feel that way. But you do when it happens so frequently. Like you got to catch yourself. Sometimes somebody is like, Oh my God, my life is changed. You don't go great. Like, you know, like you, you can really be in it with them. But what I said to him was that personally, that it's been incredibly fulfilling to me, and not for helping people. I mean, although the it is for that. But I still I'm starting to feel like a repository of people's stories. Like I get to hear every one of them and it's different to have the count, even though the people listening I think are being really served well by this conversation you and I are having. I'm listening to it in a different way. Because I do not know what you're going to say. And I do not know what question is going to pop in my head when you say it. So we are having a really personal like interaction right now you and I. And I just feel like the decisions I make around diabetes and life at this point now. May I'm just gonna digress for one more second. When I grew up, I was I'm adopted right so I grew up with a family unit and I did not feel incredibly similar to them. Like something would happen and they'd have a reaction my reaction would always be somewhat different. Whether it was like a question about money or politics or in general, like I just I always was sort of different than them. And because of that, I would kind of go out into the world. And when I met people who I found to have like, real valuable aspects to them, I think about them, like I'm thinking of a man now who I met when he was in his 60s who was, you know, basically a brick Mason. I had nothing in common with them. But he was an incredibly hard worker. And I thought that's, that's his best skill. Like, that's his best trait. Like that's important. Like, look how important being a hard worker is, I'll remember that. Or I met a guy who incorporated his his kind of like, comedic feel into bad situations, I was already doing that. But I was like, okay, that seems viable, like, so I would kind of pick and choose from people like their best attributes to pay attention to like, is that something I'd want to do? And now I'm getting to do it with the podcast. And I record three of these a week. So I have hours and hours of conversation every week with people who are different than me who have different perspectives. And as I'm hearing them, I think I'm remembering the kind of the salient points, the stuff that I take away, and I think it's making me a better person.
Aryssah 1:11:20
Oh, completely. But you're, I mean, Scott, yes. And good on you that you're able to stay present with everyone sharing their story when they do, but you're also creating that community for us all to feel safe to share. You know, it wasn't till I started listening to your podcast, where I thought, Oh, hey, you know what, there were some after dark episodes where that kind of resonates with me, you know, hey, yeah, no, there was that there was that girl I listen to that. Yeah, she was actually throwing up as well, while she was diabetic. So it's, it's the community that you are creating as well. The world very thankful for, and grateful that we get to experience but yeah, it sounds like it's a it's a gift both ways, right? It's a gift to yourself, but it's also a gift to us.
Scott Benner 1:11:56
I think I might be getting more out of it than you are. And I feel like you just said you were getting a fair amount out of it. So I think we're good, but, but I appreciate that. I really do. And it was my it's funny, that was actually my intention. But now hearing it set back by you, I think, Wow, that was like a fool's errand when I started it, like, what made me think I could accomplish that. It's such a big thing. You know, like I, I'm sitting here right now, as you say that thinking like, I can't believe it worked. Yeah, I'm grateful it worked. I just, I don't know, I guess, you know, I guess that's everything, right? If you if you stood at the bottom of Mount Everest and thought, I'm probably not going to make it up there, then you wouldn't, you wouldn't even try. And and so some people try and make it and some people don't. And, you know, for whatever reason, who knows? I'm very grateful that it helps people. And and that it's been that it was that for you or for anybody else. Okay, I didn't mean for this to know how great I was at the end. I really was just trying to say that. I'm grateful for people like you who come on and share so openly like this. Because this is not scripted. And you and I did not talk before we did this, like you sent me like a blurb. I think it was three sentences. I sit down and think to myself about the talk to a woman who had an eating disorder is doing better now. Right? Like that's the only like, and then we had technical difficulties. Now I'm an MIT and trying to keep your your life in my mind at the same time. So yeah, very cool. All right, we are going to stop here.
First, a huge thanks to Arista for coming on the show and sharing her story so bravely. I also want to thank Dexcom to remind you to go to dexcom.com forward slash juice box today right now I mean as soon as you're done with us just shut it off Dexcom comm forward slash juice box, then roll right over to Omni pod Omni pod comm forward slash juice box. check in and see if you're eligible for the free 30 day trial the Omni pod dash Don't forget about the Omni pod promise you can get started today. just dive right in. Just want to say here how terrific it is that people come on the show and share so freely really does make the podcast what it is. If you hold on for a second, I'll let you know about the other after darks in case you'd like to find them. So as the podcast gets bigger, I realized there are more and more episodes and it might become difficult to find some of the ones you're looking for. The afterdark series goes all the way back to Episode 274 where we talked about drinking. In Episode 283 we spoke about smoking weed 305 trauma and addiction 319 it was having sex from a female perspective 336 depression and self harm 365 sex from a male perspective 72 after dark divorce and co parenting 380 for bipolar 393 bulimia and depression 399 heroin addiction in Episode 422, we talked to Amy. Amy is so singularly special I just call the episode after dark Amy. In Episode 450 spoke about using psychedelics while you have type one, Episode 462 a sexual assault survivor came on and talked about how that impacted their life with diabetes. There was another episode of 472 living with bipolar disorder 508, the adult child of divorce in Episode 531, a 30 plus year type one named Mike shares his complications with us and of course today, this is a ressa and she's talking about an eating disorder. You can find these episodes in your podcast app by searching Juicebox Podcast afterdark or you can go to Juicebox Podcast comm scroll down a little bit, you'll find them there. As you're scrolling. You'll also see the pro tip series, the defining diabetes series, the diabetes variable series, how we eat there's a ton there to check out. So I mean, whatever algorithm pumping a you know, there's a lot there, head over and take a look Juicebox podcast.com
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