#813 Hard Earned Resiliency

Baileigh has type 1 diabetes and some hard earned resiliency. 

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 813 of the Juicebox Podcast

this episode stuck up on me. I know that's hard to imagine because I recorded it, and then I edited it. And then I put these ads on it. And you'd think, Well, Scott, how could it sneak up on you? You're you've heard it four times. But I mean, I don't know how to tell you and it just, it kind of it starts in my remembrance. It's feels like it starts. It just builds, it builds this episode, I should have said this episode builds this episode built. Today's Today's guest is Bailey. She's a young person who has type one diabetes. And she's been through a lot. She has a ton of resilience and, and some some wisdom beyond her years. I know I'm fumbling through this, but you just want to listen to this whole conversation. It's wonderful. But it will sneak up on you a little bit. While you're listening. Please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, please Always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan. Were becoming bold with insulin. You know that I wanted to really explain this because I forgot to mention the 20 exchange. So I must really liked this episode. Today's episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by Dexcom, makers of the Dexcom G six, and coming in 2023 to the United States, but already available in Europe Dexcom G seven, learn more and get started. today@dexcom.com Ford slash Juicebox Podcast is also sponsored today by Omni pod makers of the Omni pod dash and the Omni pod five. You can learn more about the Omni pod five and get started today. Or learn more about the Omni pod dash and see if you're eligible for a free 30 day trial at Omni pod.com. Forward slash juice box.

Baileigh 2:13
My name is Bailey and I am 26 years old. I have been type ones since I was 11 years old, and have been through a lot. And through a pretty, you know trial is Tribulus journey with it and you know still here still kicking so well.

Scott Benner 2:32
Alright, Bailey, let's hear about it. So you were diagnosed 15 years ago when you were 11?

Baileigh 2:37
Yeah. Yeah, more than half my life.

Scott Benner 2:40
Is that how you think about it? Yeah, actually, I

Baileigh 2:44
do. I look at that. And I'm like, holy cow. I can't believe it doesn't feel like it's been more than half my life. But it has been which is crazy to me. So

Scott Benner 2:54
is it upsetting or comforting, but it's been more than half of your life?

Baileigh 2:59
Oh, that is such a hard question. Um, I would say in some ways, I don't know if appsettings the right word, I think it's more or less just like the whole grieving process that comes with, you know, having a chronic illness that you know, is never gonna go away and there's no cure for. And so I think for me, it's more or less just like, the grieving aspect of it. But also like a proud moment that like I've survived and I've been through so much, and I've been so resilient and been able to come back from so much as well. So

Scott Benner 3:32
well. Okay, so when you were diagnosed at 11, you lived at home with your parents of some way I would imagine. What do you remember about being diagnosed?

Baileigh 3:42
Oh, so diabetes actually runs on my family. Which is interesting, because I've talked to quite a few people who are type one, and most of their family isn't diabetic. And so I grew up in a single mom household. My parents were divorced when I was six years old. And my mom, her brother had type one diabetes. And she knew all of the symptoms and so I got diagnosed over Labor Day weekend in 2007. And my mom had started to notice you know, the classic symptoms, the weight loss, the thirst, the grumpiness, the tiredness, lethargic, you know all of that. My mom said that she just knew when I started to take like water bottles to bed with me. And I would wake up in the morning and they were gone. Like all the water was gone from them. I think I went from weighing like 80 pounds down to like 69 pounds. And at this point in time, I was in fifth almost no, I was in sixth grade. And so for me, you know, my mom's brother who's type one. I grew up really close with him at Usually, because my dad didn't live very close to where I grew up, and I didn't see him very often. And so my mom's brother was really honestly, like, my, like my dad to me. And so even before I was diagnosed, you know, he would, he wouldn't take care of himself. And so, you know, there would be times when I would overhear, you know, my grandma and my mom talking in the kitchen, the all about how, you know, they had to call the ambulance for my Uncle Ken again. And, you know, y'all, he's in the hospital or, you know, he just didn't take great care of himself. And so when I got diagnosed, there was some kind of like a preconceived trauma for me that I was going to end up like him. I really thought I was going to die when I was diagnosed. And

Scott Benner 5:52
is he? Is he still with us? No, no. How old? Was he? When he passed away?

Baileigh 5:59
He was in his 50s. I believe what this

Scott Benner 6:02
was, yeah, diabetes.

Baileigh 6:05
Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately, he didn't take the best care of himself. And he had to get a kidney and pancreas transplant. And this actually happened after I was diagnosed. So at that point in time, I was already diagnosis diabetes when he'd gotten his transplant. And he just didn't do well after and ended up dying when I was, I want to say 16 or 17.

Scott Benner 6:35
So this, yeah, so to you, his experience felt like foreshadowing, he's the Ghost of Christmas Future, you think this is exactly what's gonna happen?

Baileigh 6:44
1,000% 1,000%. And so, and, you know, it took me years actually, to realize that that was what, like, because I knew that I had a lot of anxiety around the diabetes. I mean, I always did. And so for me, it took me years to unravel, that, I realized that, you know, just seeing those things, as a child really did affect me, you know, thinking that, that is going to be me, you know, on that I, like, I just automatically felt like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to end up doing that. And that's going to be who I'm going to be. And so when I when I got diagnosed, I got a lot of anxiety that came with that. And, you know, I, I, you know, being raised by a single mom, she tried to do the best that she could, but I mean, I do. Yeah, so I have one biological brother. And then I've got four other siblings. I've got two step siblings and two half siblings. And my, all my other siblings are with my dad and my stepmom. And so my mom just raised my older brother and I, okay, together.

Scott Benner 7:59
So, can I ask how do you know how old your uncle was when he was diagnosed?

Baileigh 8:04
I think he was in his late teens when he was diagnosed.

Scott Benner 8:07
And you said there. Are there other people in your family with our Well, yeah,

Baileigh 8:11
so most of the other people in my family are type two. So my mom has five kids in her family total and four of the five warrior type one or type two. Well, yeah. And then on my dad's side, I've got type two that also runs and then a cousin that also has type one. It's kind of interesting. I'm sorry. Oh, sorry. Is it saying that it's interesting because my mom was actually doing genealogy and our family and was able to trace back to one of my great grandpa's during the Civil War, and they had documented that he had diabetes. And so I've actually got a picture of him. And I'm actually named after his daughter, which is kind of interesting and kind of creepy. Let's see.

Scott Benner 8:57
Did he pass early?

Baileigh 8:59
He did. Yeah. Yeah, he was. He was pretty young when he died. So

Scott Benner 9:04
yeah, I mean, type one Civil War when the hell was this? Yeah, now you're gonna show up that I don't pay attention at school. He was I got worried. Civil War years. What the heck, why does it not just pop up what I want? Barely. I mean, like, I am at the part where I'm like, I want to just yell machine, do it. Okay, the Civil War timeline 1861 to 1865.

Baileigh 9:35
Yeah. And it's actually documented on actual, like, Civil War paperwork. This past year, when we had the 100th year of the insulin discovery, I made a special post on my Instagram and post a photo of him and the photo of the dark, excuse me of the documentation.

Scott Benner 9:55
I barely

Baileigh 9:59
got a breath of the group really dry air?

Scott Benner 10:01
Trust me, I know what you're talking about you Okay, so yeah, good. Yeah. So that paperwork that shows him to be the have diabetes from the, from the 1800s.

Baileigh 10:14
Yeah. Yep. They're pretty cool. Pretty crazy stuff.

Scott Benner 10:20
Even how crazy is it that he basically he missed? I mean, it's by a lot. But in the grand scheme of things he missed insulin by what? Like maybe almost sick maybe around 60 years, right?

Baileigh 10:32
I know right. Yeah. Well, and it's interesting to think about, you know how diabetes in this is something that I just think every day that I'm very lucky to live when I when I do because it would have been a death diagnosis, I mean, getting sent off to be in a coma and just literally die after, you know, at the most after like two years where they just starve you essentially.

Scott Benner 10:56
Yeah, yeah. No, that's what they would do they exercise you to death and Knology any, like, you just didn't eat any carbs?

Baileigh 11:02
Yeah, yeah. And then you just go comatose. And

Scott Benner 11:06
eventually, eventually, you'd have whatever the a cookie looked like in 1800s. And you'd be done. Yeah, I always think about it, you know, you know that Arden was very lucky about when she was diagnosed. Everybody who has insulin is incredibly. Are there other autoimmune issues in your family? Or do you have any? Oh,

Baileigh 11:25
no, it's really just the diabetes. I mean, like heart disease and stuff. But

Scott Benner 11:31
can I rattle through that? Sometimes people go oh, really? hypo or hyperthyroidism? Great. Oh, please hold on, hey, we're testing my memory here, belly, give me a second. You would think I say this stuff all the time. Then when I go to say it. I'm like, celiac? Oh, get an aunt that runs in the bathroom after Thanksgiving dinner, anything at all?

Baileigh 11:53
No. I mean, we do have, you know, predisposition to, you know, depression, anxiety. All of that, you know, a lot of my family members suffer with that, including me,

Scott Benner 12:05
you, you're, you're clinically depressed.

Baileigh 12:08
I am I actually. So I have what's called a major depressive disorder. And I also have PTSD. And a lot of that is actually related to the diabetes and things that I had went through, you know, as a teenager, and

Scott Benner 12:23
you mentioned the onset of anxiety around the type one diagnosis, and I was going to ask you, you're doing such a nice job of telling your story. I didn't want to stop you. But I was going to ask you if it permeated your entire life or if it hung diabetes?

Baileigh 12:36
Um, it? It? That's a really difficult question. I think that I was just like, already genetically, there. And I think that the diabetes was a trigger, if that makes sense. Like I was already at risk for that. Because of how, you know, like, most of my family members do have anxiety and stuff. And I think that the diabetes was really what triggered it. And I've also been diagnosed with OCD as well. And so that I think just like went into it, just like the diabetes just made it. Ignite, essentially.

Scott Benner 13:13
So what is OCD look like when you're 11? For you? Sorry, what did you say? What did the OCD look like in your life?

Baileigh 13:22
So mostly, it's just the intrusive thinking. And then just like the obsessiveness so I'll share kind of like, what had happened. So when I was 12, it was about it was the summer after I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to a religious camp for girls my age, and the leaders who I had went with, my mom sat down with them before I had went. And we had a really like good discussion on like, how to treat diabetes. And like if there was an emergency, like what to do. And at the time, my best friend's mom was like, okay, like, because she was the one that was taking me with their group. And she's like, Yeah, you know, like we can, we'll take care of her and everything was good. I was really excited and we get up into the mountains. And you know, when we're there I ended up getting really sick. And I just like, my blood sugar's were all over the place and anxiety was crazy. And this was like really hard to talk about. So at the end of the week, I we were going down to hike Lake and it was like two or three miles away from where the campsite was. And while we were hiking, I started to feel like really out of it. And I almost passed out on a hike. And so then by the time we got down to the lake, I was so out of it. I just that was the first time I felt like I'd ever like had a breakdown. And I didn't know what was wrong with me and I was He's really scared. And I was trying to explain to them that I like what they thought I was homesick. Right. And so I tried to explain to them like No, I'm not homesick like, I don't know what's going on with me. Like, you know, my blood sugar's Are you know I tried to explain and that just like basically fell on deaf ears. And

Scott Benner 15:19
can I can I ask a question around that? So I want to know me if you know, was it related to your blood sugar's were you super high super low or were you I was

Baileigh 15:28
I think I was running really high. And so when I was hiking it just overexerted me. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, like if I had to go and like test my blood sugar in the middle of like, a meeting or whatever. And then my friend's mom would walk me out to go over and take care of what I would need to take care of. And there was one point in time that I had asked if I could go and check my levels, and then, you know, make sure that I was good. And because I was feeling low. And my best friend's mom just looked at me and was like, can you just like not do this? Can we can just wait.

Scott Benner 16:08
Oh, so she said she was gonna take care of you. But then when it came to doing it, she was like, that's a lot of work. Yeah,

Baileigh 16:13
I mean, imagine that, like, for me being, you know, 12 year old. I'm the type of person that I want. Like, I'm a people pleaser, I hate to say it, but I don't like disappointing other people. And I always felt like the diabetes was such a burden anyways. And so like when she had said that, it crushed me, I was like, I don't have control over this, but you're acting like I do. And that just immediately, so I just stopped paying attention to how I was feeling. And the very last night of camp, we were sitting around the campfire and talking about all of the religious stuff. And I started to feel really faint. And I just ignored it. Because I didn't want to have to interrupt people and be like, hey, like, I need to go and grab something to eat, or, you know, and so I ignored it. And I shouldn't have. And I actually ended up having to have people like, walk me down to the kitchen, like hold me up and like walk me down to the kitchen because I was so weak by the time I got to the kitchen,

Scott Benner 17:15
where you grew up. Like, I don't want to make assumptions. But at some point, you said y'all earlier on in our talk, if you realize that are not and was my question is this was were you surrounded by people who were like, Jesus will take care of this. Or

Baileigh 17:32
so I grew up in Utah. I just I just say y'all, but I grew up in Utah. And I am yeah, I'm talking about like the LDS Mormon religion. So

Scott Benner 17:43
this is the point in the conversation where we stop for a second and point out that this podcast is huge, huge with the Lord. Yeah, I have no idea why, but I'm very grateful for Do you have any idea why this is usually when I asked?

Baileigh 17:55
Oh, so I don't know. That's interesting,

Scott Benner 17:58
massive, massive, massive Mormon following. And it's interesting, nothing religious about me whatsoever. Yeah, the closest we've come to when I asked the question, are you still in the church?

Baileigh 18:10
Am I still in the church? Yeah, I'm not active in the church currently, no. Okay.

Scott Benner 18:14
So usually, when I ask, the answer I get back is that it's a very community based sort of a situations right. And so that they, I guess somebody within has decided this podcast is valuable, and it gets shared around because of that.

Baileigh 18:29
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I have nothing against the church. I'm just not like going at the moment. So. Yeah,

Scott Benner 18:37
gotcha. Yeah. No, it's sorry, with me. I'm just I'm just I'm trying to imagine, Bailey that eight years ago, I started a podcast and yeah, 800 episodes into it. It's, it's really big. And you've got to be like the 20th person I've talked to who's either involved in or grew up in. And that's crazy. Fascinating. I have an episode coming out. I don't even know when it is. But um, because I don't know where it's stacked up. But anyway, I've got like, people who used to be in the church. And anyway, it's not, that's not what the bias about, I'm just saying, crazy time. So but But was there that vibe among those? Like, do you think that woman, like looking back was just didn't understand the gravity of it? And was just telling your mom, it's fine, it's fine. It's fine. Where do you think she knew and was ignoring it? Or do you have no idea?

Baileigh 19:27
I feel like and I don't want to say like, a blanket statement for everybody that's in the church, because not not everybody's the same. But there are people in the church that the way that they look is more important than the how things actually are. And so I think for me, having to like get up and like leave these meetings and like having to go take care of what I needed to do to take care of myself. I think for her, she was only thinking about herself. And so I do think She understood. But I, I think for her, she was so embarrassed that she didn't even think about me.

Scott Benner 20:08
Was this so she didn't want anybody to know you had diabetes?

Baileigh 20:12
I mean, I don't know. I don't I think it was more or less like, she was like, embarrassed that we'd like have to get up and leave. And so she was just like it like it was like an inconvenience for her. Like I had control over it, which in reality, I didn't. You know, ya

Scott Benner 20:29
know, I've heard from a lot of people. Listen, when Artem was a, you know, in kindergarten, I had the superintendent of the school say, can't she just take care of this herself? She was like, five, she'd been five for three minutes. Can't she just do it? And I was like, What? No, she's fine. Like, she was like, Oh, he she doesn't understand this at all. Like, like, you know, you'd explain it to him? And then nothing would come of it. And you know, and

Baileigh 20:57
it shouldn't have to be their job at five to, you know, yeah. Because it's such the gravity of the disease in and of itself, there's just so many intricate things that people just don't understand how it's just different for everybody. You know, not everybody's diabetes is the same. It's not a you know, you throw everybody into the same box. Everybody's dosages are different. Everybody's lifestyles are different. Everybody, you know, it's not that easy, vastly different for every single person. You know, this

Scott Benner 21:29
excursion was like a week, right? You were going for a walk? And your and your what was I gonna say your I mean, your blood sugar sounds like it was really high or was swinging around, you're probably disoriented at that

Baileigh 21:42
point, winging everywhere. Yeah, it was crazy. And I think a lot of that, too, is that once that initial, you know, that first time where I was like hiking, it almost passed out, I think it just caused my body to go into fight or flight. And so, you know, swinging around from that, and then the adrenaline raising my blood sugar, and then I would come down, and it just, you know, and I was only 12 years old, you know, so I think about this in this, I think about it this way that diabetes is the responsibility and the gravity of it is almost like having a child in the sense of like, you have to, it's like having a baby, you know, you have to feed it every three to four hours, you know, check your levels every three to four hours that you know. So I think about that. And I think about the gravity of me being 12 years old and having to essentially like deal with a quote unquote, baby. There was no way you know, I mean, I had to deal with it by myself from the moment I was 12 years on, do you so do you think

Scott Benner 22:39
this one experience changed things for you? Or were you did? So you weren't feeling poorly about it prior to this experience?

Baileigh 22:49
I mean, I was feeling the anxiousness of it, you know, after being diagnosed, because how can an 11 year old understand that she's gonna have that the rest of her life, you know, so I was coping with that. And I think that's normal. But after I had came home from camp, that was the beginning of summer, it was in June, my personality changed. And my mom said that she watched me change from this happy go lucky, you know, always out with your friends, outgoing, loud laugh, you know, everything. To just I became agoraphobic, I wouldn't leave my house, I would have panic attacks when I would go out with people that I didn't feel safe with. And that translated into, you know, my teen years when I started high school, you know, I had a really difficult time going to school because I couldn't focus all I could think about was like, what if something happens, and I'm not safe? And it just completely that trauma that I experienced? It just damaged my trust in other people around me.

Scott Benner 23:56
It really did. Yeah. And,

Baileigh 24:00
you know, so after that experience, I, you know, and then like, you know, seeing my uncle be as sick as he was growing up, I became really, really terrified to have low blood sugars. And so I would purposely keep my blood sugar's high, just so that I would feel safe. And, you know, I fought for years trying to do what I could. And so this is when the OCD started to kick in, when I would start to have anxiety. Sometimes it would mimic the same symptoms of the low blood sugar. And so I would obsessively like test my blood sugar because I didn't believe what the meter was showing me.

Scott Benner 24:39
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Baileigh 24:44
Yeah.

Scott Benner 24:45
And your mom, involved in your management are now at that

Baileigh 24:48
time. No, no, not really. Unfortunately.

Scott Benner 24:52
15 years ago, what is that 2004 ish.

Baileigh 24:55
It was 2007 was when I was diagnosed, so it was about 2000 ate on.

Scott Benner 25:00
So there's technology. I mean, there's not there's meters and needles. And that's about it right? Like, did you have a pump or

Baileigh 25:08
so I tried the pump. And I didn't like the way that it made me feel. I felt like a ball in and chained to me.

Scott Benner 25:16
By the way, belly, as soon as you call it, the pump, I know you didn't like it, you didn't have to finish?

Baileigh 25:21
No, wait, I actually, like ironically, my boss at work has type one. And she's going on the army pod. And we were talking about it. And I was saying that maybe I'd be open to try that because I have had Dexcom. And it was an absolute success. I loved it. And so I'm definitely open. And that's the thing of me is like, I'm very self aware. I've always been very self aware, I can look at myself. And I can say, okay, like, this is what I need to work on. And I like to challenge myself, because that's where growth happens. And so I ended up getting married at 19, I was really young, and had my daughter at 2122. And, you know, she was like the best thing that ever happened to me. And, you know, I never thought I'd be able to have children. I just it was one of those things that when I would think about having to manage the diabetes while being pregnant, I always was just so overwhelmed with the thought of it that I just didn't think it would be possible. But I ended up the year that I got pregnant with my daughter, I actually went into DKA right before I got pregnant. And I wanted to DKA because I wasn't taking care of myself, but I also got the stomach flu. And at this point in time, like I wasn't I really wasn't taking very good care of myself.

Scott Benner 27:00
The AMI pod is an insulin pump that fits every lifestyle. Because it doesn't have tubing. You wear it on your body, but it is not connected to anything by tubing or by wires. It is completely tubeless and completely wireless. It's also able to go in the bathtub, a swimming pool, a body of water, such as a lake or an ocean or any other place with water. Wait a minute now you can swim with it and live with it. It's not connected to anything. You don't have to take it off to exercise or play a sport or do fun time. Nothing at all. This this insulin pump sounds perfect, doesn't it? Omni pod.com forward slash juice box now, you say there couldn't be any more to this Scott. But yes, there could be on the pod dash is the tubeless insulin pump just like we're talking about. There is also an omni pod five now the Omni pod five and the Omni pod dash to the naked eye appear exactly the same. But the Omni pod five when paired with a Dexcom G six gives you automated insulin functionality. All right, one more time on the pod dash tubeless insulin pump absolutely fantastic. On the pod five, automated insulin delivery. Go find out about either of them at Omni pod.com forward slash juice box and get this you may be eligible for a free 30 day trial of the Omni pod dash. Head over to my link right now to get those details. To find out more Get started today or for full safety risk information and free trial Terms and Conditions. Visit Omni pod.com forward slash juice box. Now let's talk about Dexcom for a minute. This is a continuous glucose monitor that you wear for your your loved one wears. And it reports your blood sugar back to a receiver or your phone Android or iPhone in like real time. It's I mean if you don't know what a Dexcom is at this point. I mean I guess you're new and that's if you're new Hey, welcome dexcom.com forward slash juice box if you know what it is, but you don't have one. I mean, what are you doing? Let's get going right dexcom.com forward slash juice box Get started today with the Dexcom G six Dexcom G seven coming to the United States in early 2023. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be checking into it now and getting all your ducks in a row quack quack, quack, understand. Zero finger sticks, glucose readings right on your smart device customizable alerts and alarms, seeing your blood sugar, not just the number but the speed and direction by picking up your phone. People do it dexcom.com forward slash juice box. And did I mention you can share your Dexcom data with up to 10 followers. That's and loved ones or clinicians or school nurses who can see your blood sugar's and also receive alerts and alarms if they set it up to do that, right on their devices. Dex comm.com forward slash juice box Omni pod.com, forward slash juice box links in the show notes are links at juicebox podcast.com. To these and all the sponsors, when you click on my links or type them into a browser, you're supporting the podcast. The does the the I'll just keep it high to keep it from being low. Does that eventually turn into apathy? Because what the hell what the hell is the difference between 202 50 is That's how it starts to feel. Okay. All right. Yeah.

Baileigh 30:41
Yeah, I mean, I was constantly running and like the four or five hundreds at that point in my life and

Scott Benner 30:46
keeping it high. Do anything for your anxiety?

Baileigh 30:49
Yeah, it did, actually, which is really sad. It actually is, much as I felt physically, I'm just sick and disgusting all the time. I had this sense of like, security that if I were to randomly drop out of nowhere from like, 500, all the way down to 25. Granted, I've never passed out, I've never like I've always been so responsible. But I just like, that's that whole trust piece that like I just didn't trust? You know,

Scott Benner 31:21
did that ever happen? By the way? Did you ever have a big crash? Yes,

Baileigh 31:25
actually, I've had a couple. There was one actually was on the pump for a little bit. And one of the reasons I don't like the pump is because this had happened. And I look back now. And I'm like, Oh, I probably could have adjusted my doses. But when I was on the pump, there was a day where I had bolused for some food, and it was too much insulin. And my blood sugars would come up and I didn't have any juice in my house. And so I was eating things that I didn't know this at the time, but I was eating like peanut butter. And I was thinking oh, like my nurses told me that if I could never bring my blood sugar's up to do like cake frosting. So I didn't do gel frosting. I did like full fat frosting things. Yeah. Yeah, it was eating all these things that had a lot of fat in it. And so my blood sugars didn't come up immediately.

Scott Benner 32:20
And then once they did, they wouldn't come down again. Probably, exactly.

Baileigh 32:24
And so my lowest I got down to 25. And it got to the point where I was eating so much food. And I was laying on my mom's bathroom floor. And I just looked at my mom and I was like, Mom, if I cannot eat anything else, and I'm like, if I can't get these up in the next, you know, 15 minutes, you're gonna have to use my glucagon on me because I can't keep them up. And I can't eat anything else. Because if I do that, I'm going to throw up and then you know,

Scott Benner 32:51
so you're like, Okay, well, how old? Are you at that point?

Baileigh 32:56
I was 16 or 17 for

Scott Benner 32:59
your blood sugar is so low. And you've got so much insulin going, that even even gorging yourself wasn't putting a dent into it.

Baileigh 33:07
Yeah, and I have eaten a lot of food that has had that fat in it. And so it was enough carbs to bring me up. It's just, you know, with fat, your body takes longer to digest. And so yeah, it was in my system, it just wasn't working longer to bring my blood sugar's up. And then I remember looking back and being like, oh my gosh, like, I shouldn't have had the peanut butter and like, you know, like half thing of like cake frosting, just, you know, in that sitting trying to bring me up over an hour, you know, because I was 25 and then 34 and 27. And, you know, so that was the lowest I'd ever been. And

Scott Benner 33:46
that was rough. Wow, that's terrible. Can I ask you so in your mind at that time? This isn't because you've used too much insulin. It's the pumps fault. Like, is that how it felt that the pump did this?

Baileigh 34:01
No, I knew that I had over Bolus, like I look back and I was like, Okay, I had had like, pancakes for breakfast. And I didn't eat the syrup that I Bolus for it with. And I've always been really insulin sensitive. And so it just, you know, instead of it being like a normal low and this was before the time of CGM comes you know, so yeah, look back. It was like, oh, shoot, like, I definitely didn't think that through, you know,

Scott Benner 34:35
so I admit something. Sometimes when people who have had diabetes forever and have debt and have and are people who have had it for a long time before CGM, and before like great meters and they say stuff like I'm brittle or I'm sensitive, I always just think they just didn't know what they were doing back then. Yeah, you know, and I know that if someone heard that right now who thinks they're brittle they'd be like, you Scott. But but it I really do. I don't believe. I don't think it's a coincidence that as the technology gets better, you hear fewer and fewer people using that.

Baileigh 35:09
Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Well, and it goes back to like what we were just saying, like everybody's bodies are so different. Yeah, no, no. No,

Scott Benner 35:17
yeah. You know what I mean? Like, not that not that somebody couldn't be that sensitive, but I, I just always have this feeling that if you could have pulled that person out of that situation, put them in modern technology and isolated and paid attention to it for a minute. I think you could figure out why they were like bouncing around or low all the time. And to make definitely, yeah, to make that point, Bailey. How, how do you know me? How did that happen?

Baileigh 35:44
So my friend actually spoke on your podcast last year. And so yeah, her name is Max.

Scott Benner 35:55
Oh, hold on. Maddie, but Max now? Yes. Do you know I just recorded with with Max yesterday? Oh, no, I did not. She did a follow up with me. And she let me call her Maddie for 45 minutes. And then she's like, it's max. Now. It's like, Well, where was that information? 45 minutes ago, Maddie. And then I'm like, Max. So for people. As Okay, So Matt, this is gonna be weird. You're so go up after her. So it doesn't matter. She was on an after dark episode. Yep. Right. And her she's young and her young son has has has been cancer that she's struggling with. She has issues herself beyond the type one. She gave this great interview. And then I asked her to come back on so I could catch back up with her. And yeah, I can't believe that was how does that happen? Belly? Why does the world work like that.

Baileigh 36:52
So I don't know, I think I'm the type of person that believes that everything happens for a reason. And actually, so going back to me being in DKA, that was in 2016, I had the stomach flu really bad. And I just couldn't keep anything down. And my ketones were really high. So I went to the hospital. And I was in mild DKA. So I was hospitalized for three days, couldn't eat anything, you know, the whole drill. So after that, I was determined to have things in my life go better, because for so long, I just felt so controlled by the diabetes. And then, you know, my mental health, I just like it couldn't get a grip on it. And so I've just had decided I had had enough. And so I remember vividly having a thought. And just thinking to myself, well, you know, I can't control the diabetes. And so for the first time in my life, I accepted that I had had it, fully accepted it. And then I thought, well, you know, I can control what I eat. So then I go down this rabbit hole of restricting my insulin, and restricting my food. And that was in January of 2016. And things were going good, like my agency was coming down. And then I started to notice that I was losing weight. And I didn't want to be losing weight. And I took a really hard look at myself. And I realized I had an eating disorder. And I did one of the scariest things in my life, I checked myself into an eating disorder facility. And that is where I met Maddie, then max now Oh, good for you. That's wonderful. There is a really renowned clinic here in Utah, that treats people that have diabetes and eating disorders. And yeah, for just everything that I had went through, previous to that, and all the trauma of like, you know, seeing my uncle habit and then me thinking that was going to be me. And then, you know, all of the, the stuff that I had went through I mean, there's even more like when I was in high school, I had, you know, a teacher during my lunch break, I was drinking some Gatorade in the hallway, walking the hallways, my friends, my teacher pulled me in the classroom and was like, hey, you know, like, you can't be drinking that. And then, you know, proceeded to lecture me in front of the class when our bell rang. And she actually got written up from school district because of that, because she had said those things to me in front of the other kids and

Scott Benner 39:40
and there's, you know, so yeah, there's something about you to begin with, probably from the anxiety and whatever else is that stuff all impacts you so hard when it happened? Yeah. Because these are the same stories that other people might hear and just be like, Oh, I had a teacher once what a jerk didn't know I had diabetes yelled at me for drinking Gatorade and never thought about it again. But for you exactly. Yeah, it's a different, it's a different experience for you.

Baileigh 40:03
Yeah, because I was already so hypersensitive to it. It had made me feel like such a burden, you know, because if I had to leave class to go and get food from my locker, or, you know, just even go and do anything, I was just so embarrassed and just felt so just like, like, my teachers weren't gonna like me. And so when my teacher had done that, it was almost like a confirmation of like,

Scott Benner 40:26
Oh, see this way? Really? Yeah. And that's,

Baileigh 40:30
you know, like, I'm a burden to these people around me. Yeah. And I, it was hard, you know, it's traumatic having to feel like you don't fit in or that you're not welcomed is what made me feel and I don't think that the teacher was trying to come off in any ill way.

Scott Benner 40:49
Right. But what they any means reinforced your fear, though.

Baileigh 40:52
But it absolutely reinforced my fear. Made me feel even more just terrible about myself, were you able to hit?

Scott Benner 41:02
Were you able to manage the eating disorder? Or where are you at with

Baileigh 41:06
so? Yeah, um, so I went, and I got my treatment, I was there for a month for inpatient. And then a month actually, after I got out of treatment, I ended up getting pregnant with my daughter. And when I say that everything happens for a reason. I mean, I really believe that we going to get the help that I needed, prepared me to be able to deal with the intensity of pregnancy, because it's a lot more challenging to be pregnant and have diabetes. And I'm good. I mean, I haven't had, for me, I was so determined to just move forward with wildlife that I was, and I was ready to face those fears and to move forward. And I, you know, obviously, like, there are days in my mind where it's easier for me to just be like, oh, like, I don't want to have to like take a bunch of insulin and I don't want to eat. But I still do it anyways, because I know that I need to I've worked through that. So and I'm good.

Scott Benner 42:17
Good. Congratulations. Yeah, so this sort of all falls in the line. So you realize you have an eating disorder, you put yourself into treatment? You come out, I'm guessing I listen. I don't know. I didn't make my first baby on purpose. Was this on purpose?

Baileigh 42:32
It was actually yeah, were you? Okay, so it wasn't like, oh, yeah, yeah, I had been married for a year, actually, with. He's my ex husband, but I was married for a year and then with him for four years at that point. Okay, because I had been with my ex for, since I was 16.

Scott Benner 42:51
I was gonna say you're only like 20 or 21. After you're married for a year, so

Baileigh 42:55
Exactly, yeah. And then, so I had been with him for a long time. At that point. Were

Scott Benner 42:59
you with him while you were in treatment? Yes. Okay. And then come out. You have you get you get pregnant, you have a baby? How did you manage the pregnancy? Like, you'll be able to keep your agency where your doctors were asking you to and all the other things? Really? Yeah, it was

Baileigh 43:15
high at first, because I was still coming out of treatment and bringing it down and everything. But yeah, everything was good. I just survived. I got through it. I used my coping skills that I learned. pushed through.

Scott Benner 43:29
And And I'm assuming I'm guessing that that being pregnant part helped you to stay focused and to not kind of drift away from it. Right.

Baileigh 43:41
Yeah. So it's actually interesting, because when I was pregnant, I had severe morning sickness I had was called hyperemesis gravidarum. And I couldn't keep anything down almost my whole pregnancy. And that was actually more taxing than the diabetes was. And so I just have, I have this determination inside of me that I just wanted to just fight. So that's what I did. And that's what I've done. And when I say that my daughter really saved my life. She did because she put me you know, she like put me into making me have a routine to take care of myself to you know, to make sure that I'm doing what I need to do, and I should definitely came into my life for a reason.

Scott Benner 44:33
Somebody asked me today, Bailey, like what is one of the things I've learned from interviewing so many people that surprises me. And I the first thing I thought to say was, how prevalent it is that people can often not change their lives for themselves. But they can do it but they can do it for the love of another person. I you know, I I want to be pregnant. I want to have a healthy baby. I want to get married. I like whatever it is like don't. It's so difficult to do it for yourself. But when it's for someone else, I've heard so many people say like, oh, I, you know, I didn't really care. But then I got married and I wanted to, you know, I want to be healthy. And it's just it's so interesting. how our minds work, you know?

Baileigh 45:16
Yeah, how long? How old your daughter, she's five.

Scott Benner 45:20
And you've been keeping this going for six years down through your pregnancy and five more years. Wow, good for you.

Baileigh 45:24
Yeah. Thank you, I have fought really hard to be wearing that I actually, so when I had scheduled this interview with you back in November, I was still married. And I'm currently going through my divorce and I am leaving an abusive situation have left an abusive situation. And I'm out on my own completely doing it by myself with my daughter, doing the best that I can. That's amazing. And I, you know, also didn't get my license up until last year, because my doctors when I was a teenager wouldn't sign off on it. And then I got married so young, and I was so codependent on my ex husband, that I just die, I didn't bother getting it. And so when I was trying to make like my plan to leave, I realized that I had to have had to have my license on the car. And that was something that I got last year. You know, I got my car that I have all by myself. I didn't have any help from my parents. And can I?

Scott Benner 46:35
Can I ask you a couple of questions about that. I tried that while you're here. But it kind of is. Was he much older than you?

Baileigh 46:46
Three years, four years was me

Scott Benner 46:48
a little bit, though, when you're that young when you're 1920? You know, three years, three, four years is a lot older. I'm not asking you to say anything that makes you uncomfortable. But what does abuse look like in your situation? Is it physical? Or is it

Baileigh 47:02
it was everything? Wow. Is there? Yeah, mostly financial. You know, he really struggled to keep a job and to provide for our family, you know, so I, there's a lot of that was put on to me trying to, you know, work one or two jobs or just make ends meet.

Scott Benner 47:23
While he's was difficult, well, he's not doing

Baileigh 47:26
anything. Pretty much. Yeah. Okay.

Scott Benner 47:30
Was he? Was it a situation where you were able to leave face to face? Or did you have to kind of leave in the, in the dark of night kind of thing. Um,

Baileigh 47:39
well, I had tried to leave, but I didn't have anywhere to go. And so I, like my dad lives out of state now. And I mean, I could have gone and moved with him. But like, in that moment, there wasn't much that I could do to just up and leave, you know, my mom lives with my brother and his family. And, you know, housing, you know, the, you know, state assisted housing for my state was actually closed in my county, because there's so many people that needed it. And so my choices. During those times, when I was facing the abuse, I was faced with either having to stay and you know, have a place to live or go stay in shelter. And I chose to stay and I tried to leave a few times, and it just didn't end up working out.

I was able to successfully leave it in the end of February, early March this year.

Scott Benner 48:40
Wow. It's crazy. It's sounds incredibly difficult. And on top of you, you already have anxiety and so there, there it is. How do you keep? I mean, how did you not give up? I guess my question. I don't know. I feeling like you needed to get away or you need to get your daughter away or both. Yeah,

Baileigh 49:08
I for me, for years, I didn't realize that I was a victim of abuse. And so when I had started to place things together and realize that I was a victim of abuse, I actually started to document things. And I documented for three years. Pictures, you know, statements, things like that it police reports. I documented everything and kept everything safe. And that is what kept me going is knowing that I knew because I'm a very determined person. I knew that one day I'd be able to leave it just was a matter of when. And if, you know, as soon as I could have figured it out, I knew that things were going to be okay it just was going It takes some time. And that was, you know, one common theme that I've had in my life is that I have had to wait for the things that I deserve. And that's been hard for me. Because I see, you know, like with my license and stuff, I didn't get it up until last year. And then leaving and, you know, being out on my own and being independent and doing things and not being dependent on another person. I have have this really deep gratitude for life. And I hate that I had to go through the things that I went through to great to gain that. That gratitude. But I'm also I don't, I feel like I'm never going to be ungrateful for the things that I had to work hard for.

Scott Benner 50:49
Well, I think the good news is, is you're so incredibly young. I mean, you've been through so much in such a short amount of time. You have so much life left, that yeah, that if you could take that gratitude and, and redirect yourself, which I mean, it's obvious you're doing. There's a lot of there's a lot of ceiling ahead of you still, you know what I mean? There's still a lot for you to do. Are you able to work and take care of your daughter right now?

Baileigh 51:12
Yeah, yeah. So I actually so when my daughter was about nine months old, I had went through a period of time where I wasn't able to work really well. I mean, I did nannying for a family member. But my mental health was just not there. And if you talk to my family members, and my friends during that time, they will tell you, and I've had multiple people tell me that they are just amazed at how well I'm doing now in life. I mean, granted, I have things that are going on, and it's hard and it's challenging, but being able to manage it is what's the most important thing. Because they thought I was just going to end up dying. Because I didn't take care of myself, I let my mental and physical health control me. And they they just are proud of me. And I'm proud of myself. And I'm just so grateful and so blessed. And just, I like I said, Everything happens for a reason. And I think that the things that I've gone through, have really strengthened we and have just put me to where I've needed to go. I feel I'm exactly where I need to be. Yeah,

Scott Benner 52:27
I don't know, you and I'm proud of you. So thank you. Yeah, I mean, it's astonishing what you've been through already. Seriously. I mean, just starting with the diabetes, it's such a young age sound like you're kind of on your own, and you ran into so many different hurdles that you know, just kept pushing it down, pushing it down. And then I mean, my God, you're going from DK at 16 to married at 19. I don't imagine there was a lot of growth and learning between 16 and 19 about diabetes. Now, I asked you a question about management. And then I want to find out where you're at right now, when you're in that when you're in that situation where your existence is how you've described? Are you seeing a doctor with any frequency? Yes. What What are they saying to you?

Baileigh 53:13
Um, so the doctors during that time, I mean, obviously, it's, what it makes me think of is that quote of you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. So I mean, they were obviously like, giving me the tools and training to help me but I wasn't helping myself.

Scott Benner 53:30
What were the tools? Do you remember?

Baileigh 53:34
Yeah, I mean, like, the tools like they were, you know, I'd go in from every, like three months checkup, get my agency done. Then we talked about changing my dosages. And, you know, then they'd be like, giving me the talk of like, you know, like, my agency was like, 15 off the charts, you know, not taking care of myself, and just really just neglecting myself. And there wasn't, I mean, I even had one of my nurses. She's like, well, I don't even know why you come in, if you're not going to take care of yourself.

Scott Benner 54:00
No more uplifting behavior from people around you. Yeah,

Baileigh 54:05
I mean, but it also like, it wasn't great, but it was also eye opening, because I did need a little bit of a kick in the butt. But I also at that point in time, I was literally, I could not do anything because I was so controlled by my mental health. I couldn't, I couldn't force myself to do it.

Scott Benner 54:23
I also don't know how you're supposed to have good mental health when your blood sugar's that high all the time.

Baileigh 54:27
Exactly. Well, and then like when my trauma revolves around blood sugars, you know, it's like a like a cycle. You know, it was this toxic cycle of like, I would try to take care of myself and then I would self sabotage and then not take care of myself and it was this back and forth all the time. And it was so exhausting. And it was all I could focus on the OCD, those intrusive thinking, the thought patterns that were just not serving me, controlled me for very, very long time, and I do even today, you know, I have those thought patterns still because trauma, you know, you can't just get rid of it. But the most important thing that I have learned is that Feelings come and go. They're just visitors, they don't stay. And I know even in my worst moments, I can give myself that grace, to feel what I'm feeling so that I can move forward and take care of myself, then I'm not the most perfect diabetic, you know, nobody is it's hard. But I try my best. And that's what matters most you go to therapy? I have,

Scott Benner 55:42
yeah. It we're outside of treatment. You you've sought out therapy. Have you ever tried the? The EMDR?

Baileigh 55:51
EMDR? Yeah, yeah, I have. Yeah, I have. And it's, it's a really great tool. I actually, I don't know if I would say enjoy it, you know, having to re you know, go through my trauma again. But I enjoy the outcome. When I was doing that therapy, I was talking with my family about it. And I had told them that it's like, it helps. But it's like a drop in the bucket. You just have to keep going. And keep reprocessing the trauma for it to get better. And it's hard. Yeah. But I do enjoy the outcomes of EMDR. For sure.

Scott Benner 56:27
You just the way you were talking, I thought she's definitely try this. Because again, at this point, I've spoken to enough people I was like, this is definitely a thing that the belly is trying. Yeah, yeah, cuz everyone speaks so well about it. He talks about it here.

Baileigh 56:41
Yeah, it's hard, you know, having to reprocess. But it helps. It definitely helps.

Scott Benner 56:46
I'm not asking you for details. But of all the things you've told me over the last 15 minutes. Are there? Have there been horrors in your life that if you shared with me would make what you've shared so far seem trivial? Or have you pretty? Or have you been pretty forthcoming with what's going on in your life?

Baileigh 57:03
Oh, I think I've been pretty forthcoming. I mean, I'm a open book.

Scott Benner 57:06
Cool. No, I just want to I mean, there's some times that, you know, people go through things they just don't want to share. But yeah, I can't. I

Baileigh 57:14
mean, there's obviously more

Scott Benner 57:17
more examples, you could give more examples, right?

Baileigh 57:20
Exactly. Yeah. What Sam? Yeah.

Scott Benner 57:23
My other question is the gum trying to decide while you're young, and going through all this, and obviously struggling, and at the doctor with a 15? A one C, which, by the way, is an average blood sugar of 384? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Your parents never intervene? And say, you're obviously not good at this Bailey, we're going to help you? Or do they not know or, like, that part always confuses me in these stories.

Baileigh 57:52
So I'll be completely honest, I my mom tried to help me, but I wouldn't let her. But I know that my mom was trying the best that she could, and I don't want to make her feel guilty. However, there was never a formal, I'm going to help you or it was like, we would go to the doctor's and it would be well, she's not letting me help her. But then there was no

Scott Benner 58:23
like, nowhere where she actually tried to help him like physically

Baileigh 58:28
stepped in, right, like, so I think it and my diagnosis was traumatic for my whole family. You know, like, even my older brother, it affected him. And I didn't realize that until I was older, you know, and so, but yeah, with my mom and my dad, like, my dad, he, I didn't see him a whole lot growing up. And I mean, I would go visit him and stuff. And so I would just take care of myself when I was with him. And I felt like, if I needed help, I could have reached out to my parents. I know that I could have. But there was a lot of like, blame put on me that I wasn't letting my parents helped me, which I don't think was very fair. When I was so young,

Scott Benner 59:11
it's very honest with you to share. Thank you. I very often think I hear that and people's stories, and they can't come to terms with saying it about their parents usually. So I really appreciate it.

Baileigh 59:26
I think, yeah, well, you know, bless my mom, she tried the best that she could. I think that's I mean, most people are doing the best that they can. Yeah.

Scott Benner 59:35
Yeah, I want to say that there's this thing that doesn't get said because I think nobody wants to be insulting, but I don't think it's apathy. For most people. I think they're overmatched by it. And that is overwhelming. And then you're you're you're being asked to do a thing you really don't understand. And yeah, and so you, they default, often to the sayings that you hear people like doctors say like well, they gotta learn to take Turns out, it's their disease. That's one of my favorite ones. It's their disease, they have to figure it out. Because you know, you know who's great at figuring out diabetes, before technology? 11 year olds, they're amazing. Yeah.

Baileigh 1:00:13
Like, just going back and looking at like, the out of the many years that I've been diabetic, I have been very responsible. And it's interesting. You know, like, I never, because there are some kids that get diagnosed, and they just decide like, Oh, I'm not going to take my Lantis, or I'm not going to dose for this and whatever, like, they don't want to take their insulin around their friends, I have always been very responsible, we're trying and because I knew the gravity of it from such a young age, and out of all of those years, I think there's only been like, one or two times that I've ever missed an insulin dose. Yeah. Well, that's

Scott Benner 1:00:49
such a great point, because you're putting, you're putting in the effort. It's just you don't know, you just don't know what to do. I mean, it really, really is equivalent to somebody saying to you, I need you to cut down this tree, and then you go dig a hole, digging a hole.

Baileigh 1:01:05
And I don't think I even had, like, you know, if you're thinking about it in like a, in that sense, it's like, if you're digging a hole, or you have, you don't have the tools to do it, either. I don't think I had the tools to cope with that, or even deal with that. And so for me, going through all that. And then people were telling me like, I've got to take care of myself, but yet, I want to so desperately, but I couldn't because I didn't have the skills not only didn't have that, at that time in my life.

Scott Benner 1:01:33
Yeah, it's so common to hear that not only do people not have the tools, they don't have the direction of the idea of which way they're supposed to go, even if they had the tools. So overwhelming,

Baileigh 1:01:41
right?

Scott Benner 1:01:42
And it's too much. And it's it's and it doesn't have to be right. Like it just it never gets explained, right. And then I mean, Jesus, I just had a private conversation with somebody three hours ago, where they were talking about their son, and how the direction that he gets is not commensurate to what he needs. He struggles. And then his doctor tells him he's not trying hard enough.

Baileigh 1:02:06
Exactly. And that's the thing with diabetes, too, is it's like you always have to try harder.

Scott Benner 1:02:10
Yeah, I wouldn't Bailey, listen, I'm gonna say this 99 times out of 100. If you're a physician telling a type one diabetic or a type two diabetic, they're not trying hard enough. You are stopping yourself from saying, I'm really bad at explaining this to you. Because pretty much yeah, because they don't they can't do something that they don't understand. And they don't understand it. Because whatever you're saying isn't getting through to them. So Exactly. Yeah. You know, just you're talking to yourself, if you're telling them they're not trying hard enough, I think

Baileigh 1:02:41
most times, yeah. And I've actually been through a few diabetes doctors, and the one that I have now is absolutely amazing. And she's really good. So I'm, I'm very fortunate that I have her as my doctor, because I've had some pretty poor experiences with doctors on my life. So

Scott Benner 1:03:03
hey, like an hour ago, I asked you how you do about the podcast, and we started talking about Max, then we went another direction. But do you listen to the show?

Baileigh 1:03:10
I've listened to a few it's been a while though, since I've listened to him, What makes

Scott Benner 1:03:15
you want to add your story into it when you're not like a real like hardcore listener?

Baileigh 1:03:19
I am very, I've been through a lot of really traumatic things. And a lot of it has been surrounded by the diabetes. And I look at what I've gone through. And had I heard somebody who had gone through similar things when I was just at my lowest point where I just wasn't taking care of myself, didn't know like, just so desperate for things to get better. And I didn't know how they would get better. Had I heard your podcast and been able to listen to those things. I think it would have helped me be able to feel hope of some sort, you know, that things would get better and that I would be okay. You know, because during those times, I definitely didn't feel like things were going to be okay.

Scott Benner 1:04:01
So you don't particularly manage insulin, the way I talk about it. You have a thing that works for you. Yeah. Will you share your new agency? Like what do you have currently?

Baileigh 1:04:11
Yeah, so my agency is an eight. That's not great, but it's better

Scott Benner 1:04:16
belly, it ain't 50. And that's amazing. Yeah, yeah,

Baileigh 1:04:19
yeah. Yeah. So it's an 8%. I'm working on getting it down. And a lot of that is mostly just because I am actually going through my divorce and I'm adjusting to things and so the diabetes has definitely taken a little bit more of a backburner.

Scott Benner 1:04:36
Well, listen, you know, a lot of adjustments. Yeah, I'm sorry. You're making a lot of adjustments in your life. And there's a lot of things going so you have it's interesting, you have things going on, that are like with people, you have things going on that are in your own mind. You have diabetes, you're a single mom, right? Like and you got your agency from a 15 to an eight. That's Magical, like, it really is. Yeah, we're aware. Yeah. And you're aware that you're not there yet. And, and, and you're titrating it down without kicking yourself back into your eating disorder to, which is very impressive.

Baileigh 1:05:14
Yes, well, and you know, it's hard because, you know, just like the way that the brain works and the psychology of, you know, going through the trauma, you know, your brain automatically starts to go down those, those pathways. And so it takes a lot of effort to stop yourself when you're triggered. And, you know, there are days where I do struggle, and it is hard, and I'm like, I just want to go back to like, restricting my food, because that's easier. But that's not what long term, I'm not gonna work long term, right? Like, sometimes, doing the things that are the easiest, are going to end up being the most difficult in the long run. And so for me, as much as I hate it, I face my fears, because I know that it makes me stronger. You're gonna have to be persistent. To get that resilience,

Scott Benner 1:06:04
you want to check out a couple of the after dark episodes. So like, Episode 627 was a disordered eating episode from a guy from a man's perspective. And he lived a lot longer with it than you then you don't mean older than you in general. But I found him to be really excellent. And then in the halfway through the therapist, he used to help him comes on and talks about it. Oh, really cool. And then Awesome. Okay. And then there's one. I'm assuming you heard Matt, Max's episode, right? Yeah. about her struggles. And I just think that I think that's, I think that we're talking about something that people want to believe is niche, right? Like, oh, most people don't have eating disorders. Most people don't grow up in ways that are difficult. I think that's bull, I think most No, is completely bald. Yeah. I think most people have something going on, like you're talking about. And just like with an autoimmune disease, when you get one crappy person in your life, a lot of times you get more crappy people in your life. Yeah, you know, it's, you know, you don't, you don't usually get hit by your husband, but then during the day hang out with like, you know, the queen, the queen of Australia or something like that, like, do they have a queen, it doesn't matter. Theoretically, meanwhile, I don't give a crap. But you know what I'm saying? Like you don't, you don't drift in and out of situations, like people who are in bad situations are often always in them. And it's easy for other people who aren't in those situations to look at you. Or to look at maxixe it Yeah, and say, we'll just take care of it. You're not trying hard enough, right. And that's just, that's not the case. You're under a mountain of problems when you're in a situation like that. And nobody can pick it up, especially people who have not been brought up to, to manage problems like this. Like, it's easy to get to me mean, like, yeah, it's just it's not right. And I think it's, it's why do they after dark, because I think it's more prevalent that people want to give a credit for or people want to admit maybe is the worst? Yeah.

Baileigh 1:08:08
Well, and I've heard that. I don't know the percentage of it, I'll maybe have to email you once I find it but that there are actually a lot of people with diabetes. I have eating disorders, because it's so food focused. Yeah, you know, I mean, you're going out and you're Googling, you know, carbs and Wendy's chili, or you're making dinner with a friend. And you're like, checking the boxes to see what the serving sizes are. And like, even though, you know, you just double check, you know, so, you know, it's so hyper focused that how could you not have a disordered eating? And I think there are a lot of people that have disordered eating that don't realize it, you know, and then like, Good, I'm sorry, oh, I was just gonna say like, it's just important for me, personally, that I am taking care of myself and keeping myself in line because I want to change those generational patterns for my daughter, you know, so like, having those coping skills. You know, like, even with my daughter right now, going through the divorce has been very hard on her. And, you know, she also has ADHD, and so she struggles and I know that maybe my parents were trying their best with that they were given, but I didn't have the coping skills to go through what I was going through. And so now, me being self aware, I want to make sure that I'm giving my daughter the coping skills that she needs to get through life because, you know, having a conversation with my mom, just maybe like, a month ago, you know, she's like, Oh, I hope Charlotte doesn't ever have to go through anything bad. And I just looked at her and I said, You know what, Mom? I said, You know what, she's gonna go through hard times. I can't stop that. There's nothing I can do because she's gonna grow up. She's going to be an adult, she's going to be a woman. And my job as your parent is to protect her to give her those skills to get through life right, not stuck her by trying to shelter her or keep For safe, give her those experiences so she can get strong so she can grow her resilience. Resilience is what matters most. And you know,

Scott Benner 1:10:09
no disrespect to your mom. But that whole idea of like, I hope, hope, I don't need your hope I need your help. You don't need me like, like, I love that what you're talking about isn't just like, isn't like, Well, I hope that I don't let her down. You're actively making sure that you don't. And when you when you lack the tools to do that, you go out and find the tools and teach them. Here's exactly, exactly how did this happen to you? Why are you so much more? Money is the wrong word? Why are you smarter than your situation? Do you know what I mean?

Baileigh 1:10:45
No, I don't know. I honestly, I think a lot of it is that I'm very stubborn. I don't want to settle for things in my life. And because I don't want to settle,

Scott Benner 1:10:59
let me cut you off. It's not just that you're not giving up in that you're fighting, you're actually succeeding, like going to treatment for an eating disorder. And six years later, being able to say I I'm not, I'm not falling to it still, that's not just trying, that's not just not giving up that's doing that's like you learn something in that therapy that you put into practice. And you've said it a couple of times here. Like there are clear ideas that you have about keeping yourself straight. And you know what they are, and you know, when you need them, and you put them into action without without, you know, without you without fault, like you at fault, the wrong word without without failure, you put them into action when you need them. That's what's holding, you're holding your situation. I mean, your husband's gone, it wasn't it's not like you guys were running around like like June and Ward Cleaver, which is a reference, there's no way you would get. But But and then suddenly it went bad. Like you didn't suddenly find them in the car with your neighbor. You had a problem that was long running, you held yourself together in it before you could get away from it. And you're still talking about it just a couple of months removed from it. And you're incredibly together. Like I hate I really hate to say this, but you feel like a person. Like if I would have snatched you away at birth and sent you somewhere else, like your life would have been different. It feels like Yeah, yeah. And I feel bad. Yeah, that because I'm sure your parents are lovely people. But,

Baileigh 1:12:22
you know, it's interesting, because I have thought about it like that, that had I had different, you know, I'm kind of going to talk about privilege a little bit. But had I had a different upbringing where I might have been in a different environment, with the amount of determination and strength that I have inside myself, I look at that. And I think where would I be? And that's hard, because I'm here, and I'm doing well, and I'm succeeding, and overall, you know, just moving forward in my life. And I think, man, you know, could I have been a doctor, could I have done this? And then I remind myself, like the woods and the curves, I shouldn't go down that route. Because I don't want to make myself feel bad and cut myself short either. Because I have fought so incredibly hard to be where I'm at.

Scott Benner 1:13:08
Yeah, you don't want to you don't want to minimize the effort you've put in. And the other thing is to i Listen, I don't have the same problems you have. My situation is completely different. But I, I'm adopted by really? I love my mom and dad, my dad's gone. He wasn't a great dad. I still love him. My mom is my mom is 79 years old. I talked to her three times a day. She's amazing. But they but there, huh? All right, ready belly. Hold. I'm trying to find words. Their ability to navigate life is not commensurate to my ability to navigate life. Exactly. I was being held back by their knowledge of the world. Exactly. And I've had the same thought you've had like, I wonder what I would have been if except I know a lot enough about where I came from to tell you that that was no great shakes either. So. So my intellect like whatever's happening in my mind right now. My ability to deal with life was not fostered as I grew up. But all of the problems that that were created by that, yeah, are probably the reasons why I am who I am now.

Baileigh 1:14:29
Exactly. Like it was almost like fuel. And I think that is part of the reason why I am is I'm a very big dreamer. I look at things that I want, and I don't just want them I go after them. And I don't give up. And so when I see those things, and I have something in my mind, I will fight so hard to get that. Yeah, that I don't give up. And so for me, I see that as like To the things that I've gone through, and I don't ever want to experience that again. So I do everything I can, so that I don't have to experience that again.

Scott Benner 1:15:11
I used to have this, I used to do it more when I was younger than I do it now. But I used to have this kind of mental exercise that I enjoyed, where I tried to imagine what was beyond my understanding. Like, I always thought like, there's so much that I get right. And I know there's more than that. I know, I'm not the smartest person in the world. I know, I don't have all the information, right? There are things beyond my understanding, what are they? And, and how do I find them? And how do I make them part of what I understand that I know, I'm not going to reach to the end of the earth with my understanding. But I keep kind of trying to learn more than what I know right now. I feel like that's what you're doing. But you're doing it with living. Like you're you're doing with like with like the, like the common sense and big picture and sometimes focused picture ideas about how to be a successful person day to day.

Baileigh 1:16:03
Yeah, I'm taking it moment by moment, you know? Yeah, because that's sometimes all that we can do. And there are days like as of lately, I've been hot mess and crying and like, emotional and like processing all these things. But I'm also Okay, mentally, I'm just going through it.

Scott Benner 1:16:20
I can tell, I can tell so so it's impressive. Oh, my God. No, no, seriously, somebody should be congratulating you every 35 minutes. Somebody should walk up behind you ring a bell and go belly, Kill it, kill it and walk away. Seriously, your daughter is going to have such a different experience than you do. Seriously. So

Baileigh 1:16:42
I think that's what most people hope for their children's that things are different. No, of course. Yeah. But what matters most is if your train

Scott Benner 1:16:50
Yeah. Oh, Bailey. First of all, I'm having such a nice time with you. And I know people either believe me or don't believe me. I do not pre plan these. Like, I swear to you what I knew about this conversation was Bailey wanted to talk about resilience. That's all I knew about it. Right? I didn't. And I didn't know about your eating disorder. I know how you grew up. I didn't know about your agencies. I didn't know anything about anything. And so I'm having such a good time talking to you. But also, there's something about you like you have like that old soul feeling because you're too young to be having this deep of a conversation. You are really cool. I'm having such a nice time. But what was I gonna say? I just talked myself right out of my thought waiting

Baileigh 1:17:34
to train station.

Scott Benner 1:17:37
Darn it. I'm never gonna think of it now. Yeah, hell, it'll come up again, if it's important. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, your daughter, your daughter robot. Yeah, you are going to like this content, this is going to continue your desire to understand more than you understand now to do it right to move to the next thing, like the thing that's going to help your daughter when she's going to college, you don't even know yet. You haven't learned it yet. It's kind of exciting. Because, because what I see from you here is the same thing that I see with people who are who are going to figure out diabetes, but don't know it yet. So I you know, I speak with people on the show or privately about their type one or their kids or whatever. And there's this thing about people who are going to succeed that you can feel it's, um, it's a desire to get there. And it's a desire, and it's such a desire to get there the right way. And not cheat, not not jump ahead or take a hand off or something, but to actually learn the steps so you can take the steps. And when I'm talking to people, I often will tell them at the end, if it's if it matches with their personality, I'll say hey, look, you don't know this. But you have the most important thing right now. You want to do this? Yeah, you know, exactly. And you want to do this, like your daughter's going to is going to benefit from your drive. And from your desire to find more. You don't even know you don't need that means a lot. Yeah, I'll be dead by the time that what I just said came true. Because I'm very old. I mean, seriously, right. Your kids what? How old is she?

Baileigh 1:19:20
She's only five. Right? So

Scott Benner 1:19:22
when this kid when this kids your age? I'm 76 I'm gone by then you should see me I can't last 25 more years. So this chair all day, Bailey, the most exercise I get is kicking my feet while I'm talking to you. And once in a while I lean back and sit up. But seriously, she's going to like, I hope you remember my words. I hope one day you're at your daughter's college graduation. And you think that old man on that podcast said I was gonna get here. I really do. Yeah, that's really cool.

Baileigh 1:19:54
And you know, I think that goes back to what I was saying about the gratitude piece is just every now and again I get so emotional like, I was driving my car a couple of weeks ago. And I know it was like a week ago, I was driving my car and I just started crying because I was just so grateful. And like, yeah, there are things in my life that are so hard right now. But I look at what I've gone through. And I never would have thought that I would have my license or car or my daughter, or these things that people just have, that they don't say that they didn't work for. But like, I had to go through extra hurdles in my life to achieve these things. And for me to have them, I will never not have that gratitude. And so it's exactly what you're saying. If you know my daughter graduates college, it will be the same thing of just that gratitude that I'm so glad that I didn't give up in my worst moment there. Because

Scott Benner 1:20:49
they're harder and possessions than they really are. Right? You fought for them and, and they're meaningful to you the same way is just this really rich guy, and I heard him talking. He's old. Alright, so everybody, just whoever the old rich guy is, you know, I mean, and

Baileigh 1:21:08
Warren Buffett, god dammit,

Scott Benner 1:21:09
well done Bailey. i I heard him talking to these kids. And he said something about like, Hey, I'm gonna like, let's pretend for a second I'm gonna give you all a car. But then he goes, but then let's you could pick it out. Doesn't matter which one it is. But here's the catch. It's the only car you're ever gonna keep for your whole life. And imagine, maintain it. Yeah. Imagine how good you're gonna take care of it. Yes, what exactly that because it's meaningful, it means something. So in his scenario, it forces you into that position. But you were forced in that position, you didn't have basic things that other people get. You had to strive to get them fight to get them. It, whether it's your own health, or a driver's license, and, and now you have the main they're meaningful to you because of the effort you put into finding them. Yep, yeah. 100% Who knew we were gonna have this conversation belly?

Baileigh 1:22:04
Yeah, that's good. It's a good good conversation. We're

Scott Benner 1:22:07
doing okay.

Baileigh 1:22:09
Yeah, I think we're doing great. You

Scott Benner 1:22:10
know, like, you're not like thinking like, Oh, this guy's and asked, I shouldn't have done this or anything like that, right? No, no,

Baileigh 1:22:15
I'm enjoying it. I think that I, I like to talk about what I've gone through. And not in the sense of like, oh, I want the attention on me. But I like to talk about it. Because I want people to realize that in their hardest moments, things get better. It just takes time and you have to be able to push and fight and I That's my I don't know if like my personality type. I am just like everybody's biggest cheerleader. Like, if you're gonna do something I will cheer you on. Even if I don't like you, I will still be kind to you. I will still cheer you on. Because that is just the type of person that I am. Because I believe that everybody can do what they want to do. They just have to fight and work hard enough for

Scott Benner 1:23:00
it. Yeah. And sometimes it has to be thrust on you. So you have to prove it to yourself.

Baileigh 1:23:05
Exactly. And sometimes we do it to ourselves where we have no other choice, and that is just part of life.

Scott Benner 1:23:12
Yeah. You're making me think of episode 303. It's called do hard things. This woman comes on her name's Anne. And she it's a it's a crazy story. But she came on to tell me about how she was a listener of the podcast and how it was helping her kid. She's super excited taking her son to the endo appointment. I think near Christmas, and there's a snowstorm. And they have a like a horrific car accident and her and her children. Wow, her children die in the car accident. Oh, no. And, and she, she tells she's on the show, just kind of out of remembrance of Him. And and she comes to tell me that she still listens to the podcast. And if she's still listening, I hope she hears this. Because she said that listening to people talk about their diabetes actually makes her feel closer to her to her one son. And, and but anyway, she she talked about the boy, and how her son's name is Adam and Alec is one of the hardest conversations I've ever had in my life. And I can imagine how he had I think when when his if I'm remembering right when his teacher was remembering him. He talked about how it was possible to do hard things that people could do hard things and then I think she always thought she was talking about I don't know what she was thinking about. But when I was listening to her, I kept thinking but and you're doing the hard thing now. Yep. And yeah, you know, I just think if she can get like if she can get up every day after that happening to her. Yeah, we all can figure out whatever our thing is, and do that hard thing, you know, because I can't imagine much worse than that. Honestly.

Baileigh 1:25:00
Yeah, it's absolutely terrible. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:25:02
And I know that very sad. Yeah, I know you're a thing and her thing don't need to be compared. And I'm not do No, I'm not doing that. No, no, no, no, no, I'm saying that I'm saying that within us somewhere, is the Freedom is the ability to do that thing.

Baileigh 1:25:19
Exactly. It's that resilience, being able to find your own resilience and hone in on that and not give up. And not give up is the most important thing is to find your why. You know, like, for me, I look at these things that I want in life. And, you know, it was my daughter, I wanted to have a child, and then I, you know, like, with my car, I wanted to have a car and want to have my license, and then, you know, now I'm working on myself, and I want to be the best that I can be, and then maybe download the line in the future, maybe I can have a healthy happy marriage or, you know, like, buy a house or you know, so those are the things that I want that I'm not going to settle for. Because I'm going to fight for them. And that's what's important for me. And in order to do that, I have to take care of myself. And so along the way, I'm gonna be taking care of the diabetes. And you know, so

Scott Benner 1:26:16
you told me earlier you using Dexcom? Are you have used it in the past, I have used

Baileigh 1:26:21
it currently not. Single mom ended up here. So my salary is very low right now. Are you?

Scott Benner 1:26:28
Are you private insurance? Are you using Medicare, Medicaid?

Baileigh 1:26:33
I am private insurance through my work. Yeah. Because it sucks

Scott Benner 1:26:37
because I think I think it's covered under Medicaid, Medicaid, I think or Medicare.

Baileigh 1:26:41
I don't have to check into it. Yeah, but so it's

Scott Benner 1:26:44
it just because I know you can be in a situation where you have insurance, but it's not good enough to help you. Yeah,

Baileigh 1:26:51
well, I have it. And I think that my insurance covers it. It's just very expensive, unfortunately. Yeah, you're so and that's another thing is I know, I'll get that again in the future. And you know, where I'm at in my life right now, like the the place that I live is a good, safe place. But I know this is not ultimately where I'm going to end up or where I'm going to stay long term. I'm just here figuring out what I'm doing. And then when it's time to move on, it's time to move on. So

Scott Benner 1:27:23
if you, I'm not pushing you if you're up to it. I think I think you might enjoy listening to the pro tip episodes from the podcast. And even if you don't, even if you don't listen to them with an eye on I'm definitely going to make a change. I think just hearing the conversations might help you get your stability more stable and your agency lower. Awesome. Yeah. I mean, I'll when we're done, I'll send you a list of them. So you have them.

Baileigh 1:27:50
I would love that. Thank you. Yeah, I

Scott Benner 1:27:51
think that could that could be beneficial. And then like you said, you add the technology when you can and then you kind of tighten the screws on it. And

Baileigh 1:27:59
then when I had my ducks calm I was my control was practically perfect. It was great. It is her I miss it. I miss it.

Scott Benner 1:28:07
I specially just it's just incredibly helpful. Even just using one of these new algorithms could could could drive you down into the sixes maybe without even know what the hell you're doing. So Exactly, yeah. All right. Bailey, I have to say two things. First of all, I have to tell you that I don't usually record at night, but I'm really enjoying this. I might do this more often. I feel so much like more relaxed. Like, hey, yeah, during the day, I'm like, I'll operate but you can't see me but I'm seated back pretty far right now. And I'm having a good time yourself. Yeah. Like people are always like may do them on video. And I'm like, am too old for that. You don't want to see that. But I wouldn't mind somebody seeing me right now. I'm just like, laid back. And the other thing I just want to make it just ask you if there's I can't imagine but is there anything you want to talk about that we haven't covered? I don't want to cut you short, because I am gonna say goodbye in a minute.

Baileigh 1:28:56
Oh, no, I think we're good. I record everything.

Scott Benner 1:29:00
We're so honest. I really appreciate that.

Baileigh 1:29:02
Thanks. It makes it's hard to talk about, but it if they can help other people. And it actually helps me to talk to people that understand so

Scott Benner 1:29:12
do you think I don't think this is an after dark episode? I think this is just what do you think that we didn't say anything? Like? We didn't talk about stuff that people would find like oh, we that's not things we talk about out loud? Like my grandma.

Baileigh 1:29:24
I don't think so. I mean, I could

Scott Benner 1:29:29
do that. We turn the recording off. You can tell me some creepy stories or something like that. But you're fine. I honestly don't know. There's some weeks I get done. I'm like, I can't take other people's stories anymore. I'm like, I'm gonna crack listening to. There's just some of them. I put one out this week. This poor woman who was amazing on the show, Gen. Two comes on to talk about her son who had type one and he odd in any path. Oh my God. I want to talk about like addiction. Like, whether that's her or you, I'm always or anybody honestly, I'm so grateful when people are willing to share their stories like this, I think, yeah, like you're helping way more people than you would imagine. You know, thanks. That's

Baileigh 1:30:13
my hope. I hope that I can.

Scott Benner 1:30:15
I really think, you know, I really think you did that and I'm freaked out there. I just interviewed Max yesterday, and now you're here and that YouTube.

Baileigh 1:30:21
She's one of my good friends. I love her to death. She's amazing.

Scott Benner 1:30:25
When I talked to her, I put a picture of her up because she's like, she's just like, She reminds me of like a pixie or something. I don't know. Like, yes, she's, she's

Baileigh 1:30:32
adorable. I

Scott Benner 1:30:32
love her. So I was gonna use She's adorable. She really is.

A huge thanks to Bailey for coming on the show today and having that terrific conversation with me. And thanks to Omni pod as well. Um, the pod.com forward slash juice box. Find out more about on the pod five or Omni pod dash and get started today. I also want to thank Dexcom for sponsoring the show dexcom.com forward slash juice box go get yourself a Dexcom G six continuous glucose monitor right now. That's pretty much it. I appreciate your listening. I hope you go to the T one D exchange and fill out the survey T one D exchange.com. Forward slash juicebox T one D exchange.org. Forward slash juicebox. Excuse me. That's it. I gotta go. Thanks so much for listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast.

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